Just writing this out feels like such a mission because there is so much to say/write and you feel like you don't want to miss out on explaining any details so you can give the whole picture versus bits and pieces. 

Okay, so he has 50/50 custody with both exes. His job does not enable him to have a routine to fetch and spend time with kids on fixed days. So he does it when he can.... we have been struggling alot financially lately, his new job has been a struggle for him aswell. So no, he is not financially stable, comfortable or okay. In the very beginning he was fine with money, but things started getting so much worse as time went by. His monthly child support is €750... every month!!!! Nevermind extras.... 

I am not working as I had actually left my home country (sacrificed everything for love) to come to his country and had to learn the language which I did within a year, and then study for my drivers licence here in the native language (I can't do a swop out). I have my exam next monday, but up until I have my licence, finding a job has not been the easiest.

Does he love his kids? Yes. Does he see them often? No.... the eldest lives 2 hours away. He needs money to go visit for petrol, for lunch and to do things. There has been no money, just enough to almost survive. 

The other two live closer but again, kids want to do things and/or want things. So he hasn't fetched them for awhile because of financial reasons and he has been working day and night and weekends most times. 

Are his exes stable? Yes and No. 

Ex1 seems intelligent, but a control freak and jealous of his kids he has with EX2. Constantly moans at my BF and puts him down, always asking for money for extras, even if BF has no more money. He pays all maintenance on time. August he had no money to pay, so got a loan and paid her in September with Septembers maintenance. She knows he is struggling but still wants him to pay for summer camp which she didn't even discuss with him before sending the kid there. So she can't demand he pay if she never even discussed this. Constantly demanding time and money from him. Uses manipulation on BF telling him how the son is doing terrible at school because he has not seen his dad for awhile. But the report card comes and the kid has all 8s, 9s and 10s with an outstanding comment from the teacher. Due to distance the relationship between my BF and his eldest son is not strong at all and when he does phone to speak to the child, he has no interest to speak to his dad. Only when its birthday time and christmas because it means he is getting gifts. His EX1 and her parents even have a go at my BF sometimes on the phone, edpecially if he tries to explain something to his son as to why he can't be present always. Shout at him, and don't allow him to have a private convo with the kid. Phone is always on speaker. My BF did put a voice recording app on the phone and when the kid was with us, BM called to chat to him. Of course we listened to the recording later, where she asked him if he asked his dad and his grandparents for money. To which the kid responded no. EX1 and I have met and she was decent with me and vice versa. 

EX2 is another story.... also always constantly asking for money. She threatens my BF by always going to the police and reporting him... even for petty shit. They bought a house together which when bought, BF paid for but put half in her name as he said to her at the time "we are a family and this is ours together. What's mine is yours." Bond is not paid fully. But she wants the house... this is a long complicated story in itself... so the final outcome is that she will pay for the notary fees and he will GIVE her his 50% of the house. He will not get any money out of this and he cannot afford to pay to put it in his kids names, which was my suggestion. But EX2 said if he wants to do that he must pay for it then... But she knows he has no money to do it... She has taken EVERYTHING from him. They had a joint account where she drew all the money out of, took the brand new washing machine for her mother to have out of storage that BF paid for. Didn't even return all his clothes he left behind when she kicked him out the house.  

She doesnt tell him about parent evenings, school plays, nothing... if she does tell him it's last minute and he is not able to make it, then she shits all over him.  The list goes on about EX2 and her family. The stories I could tell you... 

Ex2 avoids me like the plague... she won't greet me and won't come near the car if I'm in it. I don't know her and am quite happy keeping my distance from her. The stories that i have heard from other people that know her and her family, the things I have seen her do and heard her say to my BF... I dont think much of her at all. If anything I have come to hate her... I didn't know you could hate a person you dont know! 

I don't think my BF expects me to "mother" his kids.. but he does expect some kind of mothering to a certain extent. I don't quite know how to explain it... though I do think he wishes I could accept the kids as my own. We have already discussed they have a mother and I do not intend to replace their mothers. I will ve their friend, respect them, help them if need be and just be nice. But I don't have any feelings towards his kids. The little girl I sometimes wish was maybe my biological child but the boys not at all. The youngest kid is rowdy, won't sit at the dinner table and eat. Has to run around and crawl under the table. Won't feed himself. He goes to school and feeds himself but at the house he won't eat unless my BF puts the fork with food in his mouth. I have done it too to let my BF at least eat his dinner. 

The kids are normal.... they not misbehaved, they are kids and scream and carry on like kids do... but they could definitely do with some discipline in our hone. BF has already said he tries not to discipline them too much when they are with us because he hardly sees them. So he wants them to have fun when they with him...  I get it, I do... but problem is it will become an expectation in the future! 

When they have slept by us they generally fall asleep in our bed. The first time I felt bad to tell him they must go to their room as I had never done this before... that night I did not sleep! 

The next time I told him they can fall asleep here but must go to their own room after... it didn't happen so I ended up going to sleep in their room.

When we went to his parents for Christmas, all 3 kids were with us. The eldest kid got his own bedroom to sleep in... the other two were with us in a bedroom. I asked to put all 3 kids in one bedroom and they can all share a bed and me and him in our own room. 

None of the kids wanted to do that... so when we all went to sleep I couldn't sleep. I ended up going to sleep on the couch in the lounge without a blanket. Put my jacket on to keep warm. BF saw me get up but he is a heavy sleeper so his eyes just closed immediately after he asked where I'm going. And I refused to go to the room with the eldest kid because I was afraid if the kid made up some story which wasn't true. So safest option was the couch. Rather be safe than sorry right?  

BF does not stand up to his exes. I can see he is overwhelmed by everything at the moment.... we both are. I have been in depression for awhile due to this. I know way too much info about his exes including intimate details. Sometimes i would find myself comparing me to them, but mostly EX2. Everytime we did something, even get intimate, her face would pop up in my head. I hate the couch in the house because he conceived child no.3 on it! Wish I could burn the couch! He said to me once it seems like I am in competition with EX2, which hurt me! I'm not in competition but I feel like I need to compete and fight to have a life with him without the interference of these women. He has nothing left and they still want his time and his empty pockets... 

Because of this shit, I have started resenting his kids and resenting his past life choices as to how he had his kids... because the eldest son was conceived in the last year of his marriage to EX1 that was falling apart... so why have a kid and then leave. Kid 2 (his daughter), was conceived with EX2, in the second month of knowing his EX2 because he felt good and that's what he wanted in the moment. Didn't know her or who she was etc. (After she left him and kicked him out the house, he found out her ex husband had divorced her because he found her in bed with the guy who lived upstairs, EX2 has 1 kid with her ex husband/previous marriage) And kid 3 (the son of 5yrs), with EX2 again, he wanted another kid but she didn't, so he just said to her "oops" and she was pregnant... and not long after she found another man and kicked him out the house.... and then I came along... 

As much as I love him... I sacrificed many many things for him, and I feel not second but the last... he doesnt stand up to his exes, it's like he cannot manage the situation, and he buries himself in his phone scrolling Facebook or playing games (oh how I hate facebook since coming here, I deleted mine). 

This new job he has as a sales rep is not working.... his child support is alot ontop of rent etc. I am not working yet (I cannot wait to be independant again, I desperately need to pass my drivers licence tests) so I have not been contributing to home expenses... but... i have been fortunate enough that my father has offered to help me financially for things I need until I can get a job. So my personal expenses such as toiletries or doctors etc I pay for with the help and generosity of my father. I feel really bad about it, but soon enough I'll be able to be independent again and can pay my own way. 

So essentially BF pays water and lights, rent and food. I do help out with food when I can! I know if I had a job I would have been paying for alot of things... and for the month of August I would have probably ended up having to give him money for child support too. 

He has not managed the situation in the correct way... and because of all of this I feel distant from him. I love him with all my heart and soul. But right now I feel far away.... and am worried about my future with him. Our kids, if I have kids with him. Will I have to work for the rest of my life just trying to survive, to allow my kids to have an educationand live a good life. But then if I'm busy working to support my kids, who will be watching my kids? Will I be a mother who constantly works and not able to be there for school plays or to help with homework and school projects? 

Will I be ex number 3 because I end up resenting him and his kids... I already dread havingto see his kids, especially in winter when it's too cold to go outside. They don't play in their room, they bring all their toy's into the lounge and play there... toy guns blazing, playdough all over the floor... the apartment is small also so I can'treally "escape" anywhere..two bedrooms, lounge, 1 bath and no garden because it's not affordable right now. 

My BF brought home a kitten few months ago. I said I will look for a home for it... we can't afford it. As much as I love animals, financially it's not an option right now. I said i don't have money for the cat right now and neither does he. We dont live comfortable. The cat needs vaccinations and needs to be neutered... we ended up having a fight as he says he feels like he abandoned the cat. So now we have a cat... guess who looks after it, feeds it, cleans it, changes the litter, buys it food, plays with it and entertains it... and I will be paying for it's vaccinations this week because he has no extra cash... 

We haven't done anything since I have been here in europe for 2 years... so much to explore but 90% of the time I'm at home in the house.... 

My birthday he was not able to buy anything for me last year and I said it was okay and I understand. This year it was the same story.... i said okay i understand again, but a flower from the sunflower fields you drive by when you come home after work or something would have been a sweet gesture... so we fought about that as he thinks I'm being materialistic and not understanding. Our anniversary is twi days before my birthday and he bought me a rose and a little cactus to which I loved and was grateful for. And because he bought that for me for our anniversary two days before it was okay that he never thought of a "gift" for my birthday... like I said sunflowers from a sunflower field would have been perfect for me! Or a letter to tell me how much you love me to which he responded I already know how much he loves me, a letter is something a kid would do. 

For his birthday I used the money I had left from my home country, and bought him a little something three months before his birthday and hid it away.... because I make him a priority.... even if i have very little. 

The other night he came home with some stupid toys that cost literally €1. I was upset not because he bought the kids toys.... he totally should and can. It's his kids! But the fact that for my birthday he couldn't even do that for me... it was the principle.... I felt last in his books... very last. I dont feel like a priority to him anymore.... it's become all about fighting for survival. Or maybe that he knows I'm there at home waiting for him? 

He is a beautiful soul and has the best of intentions and he does love me....he is willingto have more kids with me too... but he is not dealing with his current issues... he avoids them. Doesn't answer texts, phonecalls of he doesn't feel like it. Exes get pissed. And makes the situation somewhat worse. And he needs to change his job... this job is not working for him! 

I used to organize his finances, I stopped.. it was to help him track his expenses with his kids and to budget accordingly. To file all slips and payment requests. What he paid and did not pay. Just in case exes came back and said he didnt pay for something but in the meantime he did etc etc. To have all proof and all bases covered... to keep record of all extra costs too. I don't do it anymore. 

I have adapted the "not my kids, not my problem" attitude. His 6 year old dsughter got a cellphone from her grandmother and aunt on her birthday.... he doesnt agree... neither do I...but he didnt say anything to his EX2... she has whatsapp and adds videos etc. I just hope BM is keeping control of it.... because the 6yr old watches her 12yr old half sister and wants to be like her, especuslly with social media etc.

I'm just tired.... I love him dearly... but I am resentful and concerned for my future and my possible future kids if I choose to stay.... I am also concerned financially.... will life be a constant struggle for money?  Unfortunately money is a big make or break in this modern world.... we need it to survive. It's not everything but it is important to live. I wonder how much more I will need to sacrifice long term... 

I worry if we have kids my first will be beautiful for me but for him will it be "omg another mouth to feed".... he loves kids and is good with them. Says ours would be just as special... but realistically he already has 2x boys and a girl. And of course his daughter is his favourite and you can see it. She is also very attached to him. 

All the things my father said to me about this relationship have all come true so far... if I leave I will need to go back to my father at 32 years of age with my tail between my legs... in my home country I was independent, paid my own way through life.  I had my own business which I workedso hard to create. But gave it all up to come here for love. And things have only gotten worse and stayed stagnant... the light at the end of the tunnel is still far out. And I feel terrible for my BF as I know his dream is to have a family unit... one that is whole, no divorcing etc. He has had 2 chances at this... I would be his 3rd so called chance... I haven't even had my first chance... never married and never been divorced... but want a family of my own.

I told him the other night maybe instead of him trying to build something new... maybe we should go our separate ways and concentrate on ourselves individually... and he must concentrate on what he has... his 3 kids and build with them and give them what he can versus spreading himself even thinner....take care of what you already have and give them your all. 

And if I do go... I want the cat... I have basically looked after it and taken care of it.... I'm just confused because I do love him... 

Excuse any typos.... and thank you for taking the time to read and reply♡

**fixed the typos as they were terrible!

So i read all your comments, advice, thoughts and opinions and thank you for taking the time out to reply. 

So as i mentioned i have my drivers theory exam on monday morning and he said he maybe wants to go to his parents again this weekend as he needs to collect a contract from his sister. His folks are a 2 hours drive away from us.  So i said i won't be able to go with as when we go we normally sleep over and we ALWAYS come back home late and this weekend i want to revise and get to bed a decent hour for monday morning. 

So he said maybe he will take the opportunity and go to his parents with all 3 kids in tow if I'm not going to be there.... so i took it a bit offensively, I felt as if I was a horrid person because he wants to take the kids to his folks when I'm not around.... because I moaned about the kids sleeping in the bed with us and I can't sleep and would prefer all 3 kids in one room and us in another. So that's why he thought maybe he should take the kids with him as I won't be there. 

I told him firstly today is already Thursday, why leave things for the last minute, these things should be organized a bit better for everyone's sake. (Things are always left last minute) 

And then i said to him I feel like I'm some kind of monster by you wanting to take the kids because I'm not going! He responded by saying he never said that. I know he didnt, but it sure made me feel that way. 

So we got into a discussion about the fact that he hardly sees his kids and if he wants to fall asleep holding them he doesnt see anything wrong with it and sometimes he doesn't have the force or willpower to put them in their own room and I should understand that. 

Told him I do understand it, but why must i go sleep in another room or couch because I cant sleep, or why must i have a sleepless night and then still be expected the next day to stay and chat with family but I'm exhausted...  mentioned the kids can fall asleep with us, not a problem at all, but then find the willpower to take them to their room. If they wake up and come back... it's okay, let them fall asleep and then we take them back to their room again. Otherwise as they get older, and when he starts seeing them more often this will become an expectation and I will always have to sleep in another room while they with us... it's not fair. But he cannot see my point of view. He won't say it, but I can feel that in his mind he thinks I am not understanding and am selfish. 

Then I asked him the question someone here asked me, does he expect me to mother his kids? 

He said no they already have a mother, but yes to create a motherly bond with them etc. So cut a long story short he expects me to become a motherly figure but he is looking for it to happen now rather than later. He wants me to love his kids and cannot understand why I don't feel love towards them. If he has them he wants me to always be present. Whether it's an ice cream for 2 hours, or a day or a weekend. He wants me to always be present. Whereas I don't always want to be present. If I want to go out for an hour or two and come back later and spend less time, or leave him to go get ice cream with them and I dont always go. Told him it's more important you guys have the bond right now, I will grow the bond with them at my own pace. Yes it's been 2 years we have been together but relationships take time and I dont want to feel forced because then I resent his kids and him and my stomach falls to the ground when i know they coming over. 

I have never grown up around small kids, never had small cousins etc. I like kids but am not the crazy funny aunt that all kids love. I'm more of an introvert and need to do this in a way I feel most comfortable... and while I'm progressing he can still do what he needs to do with his kids. The relationship between me and the kids will grow just a slower pace than he expected. 

I told him I will chat with them, and laugh with them, respect them and make them lunch or dinner when they here. But he must wash them and bathe them, put them to bed. I do help his 6yr old daughter with washing and drying her hair because I see he struggles with it. So that I do. 

He told me that no matter what we do I choose to look at his life from the aspect that it has more bad than good... which is not true. We just have two different perspectives. 

To him he has lots of good.... and his kids are what makes up the good in his life. He is a good hearted person, wants to help everyone (but sometimes is a walkover because can't say no to others... but then i/we suffer), he is a good dad even if this year he has been terrible at seeing them and phoning them. But when he is with them I see he loves them and cherishes them. 

The bad part is his exes, financials and that he is not managing these women and making sure they all know their places... not standing up for himself, being an almost disney dad because he feels guilty. In his eyes it's a small amount of bad and yes I know finances can be changed. 

But to me his past baggage is alot bigger than the good.. not because I choose to see the bad... but the reality, my reality not his, is  because for me I need to share him with 3 kids and accept his exes are in his life forever. Will have these exes knowing things about my family with him, I'm a very private person so I struggle with that. When we moved house his daughter ran into the house opening all the cupboards as if it was a game to see what was inside... comes out her mother asked her to go look what dad has at home and tell her because she wants some things that he may still have from when they were together (nevermind that she already took everything, literally). 

To know that for the rest of my days with him €750 will always go to these other families and then there are still extra expenses some months, and child support could be increased if necessary. To know that I have to WAIT until finances are better on his side and I have a "well paying job" before we can have kids... to know that maybe one day if we have one kid and he tells me, he cant give me another because he cant financially do this. It's a possibility right! To know that I may not be able to give my kids everything because we have too many expenses. And the list goes on.... 

The other side of it, financially all things can go well... but if it all goes well financially then we know the exes want more money.... so for the rest of my days I will be choosing a life of sacrifice and compromise. 

One way for him to save money, is if he takes the 2kids from EX2 15 days every month and she takes them 15 days every month. He qont have to pay maintenace... and they just need to share extra expenses... it's great yes... but then when he is at work who needs to watch and care for his kids? There is no family of his close by to us that can help with the kids.... does that mean I need to be a stay at home mom/babysitter for his kids? Because someone needs to fetch them from school, make lunch for them, take them to extra activities and entertain them... so it leaves me... but what about my career, my work life, me being independent? It just feels whatever road I turn down it's a bigger sacrifice on my behalf than on his behalf.... 

I was in a 10 year relationship before this one... never pushed my ex partner to marry me, never questioned him. He must do it because he wanted to not because I begged him to. I waited 10 years... because i loved him... and everytime i would bring up a "oneday" scenario for example "oneday when we have kids...." he would laugh at me and make jokes like "hahaha me have kids with you etc etc" as a deflection to not talk about these things. It hurt... I waited 10 years for him to "come around" and for us to take the next step and I couldnt wait anymore... I left. And now I must WAIT again until HIS  finances are okay if I want kids.... and for when I have a good paying job... ( I know I need a job but it feels like a condition, that only when I have a job he will have a kid with me) 

I will get a job no doubt, I will become independent again and soon! But his finances? How long do I have to wait till he feels financially okay to have another child?? 

I asked him on a scale of 1 to 10, what importance do you give us as a couple, forget about finances and kids etc. Just us a couple. He said he doesnt know anymore... so I said there's our answer.... because neither do I know. I do know I have no longer been your priority for a long time now, I'd say for almost a year... 

We know we need to part ways... I knew it in my heart already when I posted this online yesterday. But I just needed a place to vent, to talk, to know if I'm the monster here and being selfish. 

I have not been the best SM, I have never done this before and yes he has fetched the kids less because he knows I struggle in their presence. But I eventually  said you go fetch them and spend time with them. I will go see my dad or go see a friend for an hour or two. But he can't accept that.... and I cannot give everything he wants me to give. I have already sacrificed everything I had... I cannot sacrifice more for him or his kids.... I need to live too and I also want something for my life. 

So... my dad moved back to his home country and my dad is here with me in the same country. But... he is old school European and a hard headed stubborn old man. We bash heads, we fight alot, I dont like his way of living and he doeant like mine. But... we do help each other at the end of the day... I go do washing for him in the week and he helps me out financially until I have my licence and can get a damn job! 

We did fight over this relationship, some nasty fights and some nasty words were said to me. Threatened to disown me too.... but he didnt... so I hate the thought of having to go back to him and live with him. My father has our 3 dogs with him that he brought with when he came here... so now I want to bring a cat into the picture too... my father is going to kill me! Because obviously I need his help to feed this cat. I cannot leave the cat behind with my ex... I just cant. I love this kitty too much! 

From a 32yr old independent woman to a 32yr old dependant woman... I feel like a 16year old teenager going back home and will be reprimanded. I know my father will be happy this relationship will be over... and to have me back... but I also know it may not go down without some nasty words (or maybe not , but generally my father is just that way). 

My mom stayed in our home country as my folks are divorced... if you were wondering. 

So I will be staying in europe and try to rebuild here... because going back home to my home country is not an option... my mom has her own issues and her and her partner are looking to emigrate also within a year or two. Also within europe, just not the same country where we are. 

Sent my BF a message this morning while he was at work, and just said I do love him and I dont want him or anyone to suffer. Even if we fight and cannot agree, I do love him... regardless of what our future is or is not... 

He replied saying he feels the same and he doesnt want me to suffer either. That I'm a great person and have been "locked up" for too long, I need to "breathe in new air". (Am translating here so sorry if it sounds weird) 

We know we need to part ways... but it doesnt hurt any less or make it any easier.... :( 

I feel like I destroyed myself in this process.... I feel stupid, naive like a small child. Gave up many things and lost many things. I look at photos from 2 years ago and I am not the same person anymore... I dont like who I am now... so there is lots to do, to heal and to rebuild.... it's never a fun process.... 

I don't think it's really fair to "diagnose" me with borderline personality disorder because of what I have written or how I have written and explained things. 

Yes I struggle with the kids presence... but I have never told him not to see them or collect them. He makes a choice not to because he feels I should ALWAYS be present and if I'm not then he just doesn't fetch them. I used to remind him to call them or to make plans to fetch them and say you havent seen them in awhile, maybe fetch them this weekend or this day. But I stopped doing it... because it's his responsibility, his choice. 

I know I'm not a "monster" I have done nothing to be a so called monster. But certain moments in this "step" situation can make one feel quite shitty and low at times. 

I have never been in this before and I try do the best i can with what knowledge I have or learn along the way. 

On the topic of my father... he is an old school European with a mind of his own... and neither is he a "young dad". So our views clash... I just have to bite the bullet and deal with it when it happens. But helps to vent and just get it out about everything.