Just a little patience
Hi there. I hope I'm not being ridiculous as I am not currently a step parent, but I would like advice from the seasoned step parents out there. I am in a LTR with a man who has full custody of his four kids ages 10, 14, 15, & 19. I have full custody of my three, ages 8, 9 & 12. We have been together nearly a year and things are completely committed and long term. We talk a lot about the future but mostly it seems to be framed in terms of a time when our kids are grown. He has met my kids and I have met all but the 14 year old on separate occasions - long story. He says he is afraid to introduce me to the 14 year old because she has scared off women he's dated in the past even made them cry. I find this hard to be worried about, but then again I've met the 19 year old and found her to be kind of a miserable person. Okay, I can respect his wishes and I'm certainly not going to pressure him into doing something he doesn't feel comfortable doing.
As a result we mostly only see each other when our kids are with our exes. This would be all well and good except his ex does not take the kids on a regular schedule and, as I found out this weekend, will actually refuse to take them in order to stop him from seeing me. She took them Saturday so we spent the day hiking, but then she refused to keep them overnight (as she is entitled to) so the date was cut short. Generally I am very understanding but nonetheless found myself sort of lonely Saturday night wishing he would get over his fears about the 14 year old so I could tag along to a movie with all of them or something. I was not raised to invite myself to things so I'm not comfortable saying, "Can I go along?"
I love this man so much and he loves me. I really like the kids I've met (even the 19 y.o.) and he seems to think my kids are great too. As a result I can say that while I may not be looking to marry again I do want to get to a point where I can be folded into their lives and them into mine more. Let's call it step-dating. LOL.
I suppose the sage advice I am seeking is how to be patient with all this. What did you all experience when dating the spouse you ended up with and what are the usual milestones (if you will) for a relationship when you both have kids? If I have to wait for 5-10 years to be with him in a more substantial way I'm willing to do that, but I need some coping strategies to get there. Thank you in advance for any helpful hints you may all have.
Well, I can't help you cope
Well, I can't help you cope or be patient but I can tell you that a 14 year old he is afraid to introduce you to is a glowing neon sign flashing "Here Be Dragons!" Proceed with caution.
When my sd was 12 and I was the new gf at the time I took her bathing suit shopping and she made the saleslady cry.
wow!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, she's a peach.
Yeah, she's a peach. Aggressive, mean, bullying, domineering.
I can't imagine dating
I can't imagine dating someone for a year and not meeting all their children.
Has he set a time frame for when you will meet her? Does he think you will date until she ages out and you two will never meet?
You have to wonder what the
You have to wonder what the heck were wrong with those women? Why didn't they have the guts to put the brat in her place.
Got interrupted. So I'm back
Got interrupted. So I'm back now.
You are thinking "how bad can it be?" because you are picturing the children you know and the children you are raising. You are picturing them at their worst moments and you think your bf's ex-gfs were just wimps. But you really have no idea just how bad a youngster can be because your bf's kids are in a whole different stratosphere than any kids you've experienced before.
This man's ex-wife is a holy terror. He cannot stand up to the ex wife or handle her. His children are being trained by this woman. He can't handle his children, either. It is his instinct to put his entire life on hold AND YOURS instead of to parent his children and keep firm boundaries with his ex wife.
Right now, bouyant on love, you feel on top of the mountain. You know how to raise kids, it will be fine, he's wonderful! It won't be fine. You won't know what to do when you experience behavior you never dreamed of.
You feel a twinge of loneliness now when his kids' presence "force" him to leave you out of the activity. Magnify this feeling by a million and then a million more when you discover you are also everybody's villain. It's quite a magic trick, going from being a loving, happy person to a sinister blackguard who is Always At Fault. It has happened to many of us and it will certainly happen to you based on what you've written.
---interrupted again--
Honey, take my advice and
Honey, take my advice and run.
You have your own kids to raise and trust me it will all turn to hell when/if you all decide to marry. The kids will fight, the DH will not parent his kids but will nitpick at yours. BM will drive you insane with her drama & all the sunshine & rainbows of bliss you're feeling now will float away into oblivion.
There's def a reason why the 14 yr old has run off other women...
Part 3 Your boyfriend has
Part 3
Your boyfriend has decided his only hope of having any kind of life is to keep his children, especially the one, completely separate from any girlfriend.
This is not a winning plan in the long run because YOU are sacrificing a great deal of yourself and will end up being trampled on in ways you can't picture yet. Eventually your big mountain of love will turn into an even bigger mountain of disgust and resentment. Ask any of the several stepparents we've had leave their dh's just in the last 3 or 4 months here. They were enthusiastic, besotted gfs and brides at one point. Just like you.
There is little chance you will break up with this man because of what we've said here in this thread. But I encourage you to stay here and read the forums. One day you will realize you need us very much. We'll still be here and you will be welcome.
if he loved you as much as
if he loved you as much as you think he did, he would have already brought you into the family and put a lid on his unruly kid. men will climb mountains for the woman they love. time for THE talk (all the other talks of the future are pointless now). an ultimatum is well deserved here - but be prepared to lose (really what do you have to lose at this point?). good luck.
Forgive my bluntness but you
Forgive my bluntness but you are a booty call that is firmly a second priority. You deserve better. Why are you sitting home wsiting for this "man" to have time for you? You deserve better.
If you've been together for
If you've been together for less than a year, how is this a long term relationship?
It sounds like you are looking for more than he is. The "evil"14 year old and BM are nothing more than excuses not to take things to the next level.
The older kids could watch the younger ones when BM flakes out. Instead, he cuts his time with you short. This seems like a man who is happy to just date. And with 7 kids involved, I can't blame him.
I know someone who has been
I know someone who has been married for 3 years and still has never met the 2 young skids! How in the world she pulls this off--to marry a man with 2 little kids and not have them in her life at all. She has managed to work overseas and only comes back to visit her husband when the kids aren't there. I find that very strange. Maybe I'm just jealous.
Thank you to everyone but
Thank you to everyone but especially @ChiefGrownUp and @NoAlias
Had a lot of time to think while walking my kids around the zoo and such this weekend. NoAlias is right, I just needed to define what kind of relationship I want. I am good with not rushing headlong into living together or marriage (never was my aim actually). We are committed to each other and that is what really matters. Truly what we have is great, I just see the idea of all the kids meeting me opening up the ability for us to see each other a bit more as we could do the things we enjoy together (hiking, snowshoeing etc) with the kids as well - thus more time together.
I know you will say I'm in denial, but this isn't a booty call thing. We are both mature (I'm 43, he is 45) adults and if I added up the time we spend having sex vs. the time we spend laughing together at lunches, on our every wednesday night walk, skiing, hiking, chatting on google nearly 24/7, etc. I would guess the physical side of our relationship is a pretty small percentage of our time and focus. Other than this patience thing we have the healthiest relationship I've been in in my life. As such I don't believe that pressure, ultimatums or other techniques have a place. Open honest communication does and we do have a lot of that.
While you are right, I'm not likely to break up with him because of what you've said, I do have a more realistic view of the issues. Truth is I really don't like his 19 year old. I found her snotty, very bossy to him and weirdly competitive in a way, hard to explain. But seriously who, when they first meet someone new out of the blue makes the statement, "I am a very judgmental person." Um, okay, but generally that isn't a quality to brag about. So yeah, as long as she is still living with him I have no desire to be there or expose my kids to her if I can help it. And yes, poking around the site I fully understand that even if she moved out tomorrow she will always be an unpleasant factor.
When I met her she just summarily announced to him that she had decided she is moving her bedroom into the larger room in their basement which he has slated for his home office. Then she proceeds to tell him, not ask him, that he needs to re-carpet because the carpet in that room is ugly. I found it so offensive, maybe because I was not raised to talk to parents like that and especially not to demand something that would cause expense and disruption. The first time he took me to his house he gave me the tour. When we got to her door he said, "She is soooo messy." He opened the door and we're not talking typical teen/young adult clothes all over and maybe some dishes. There was that plus old food everywhere, and horrifyingly - cat shit on the floor and bed. She thinks the cat has to live in her room because of their dog who is the mellowest sweetest lab you'll ever meet. I wanted to vomit. Seriously. So the thought she would do that to the best room for his home office is horrifying. It hasn't happened yet, so maybe he actually told her no after that encounter. I realize that kids that age are very self absorbed but this girl is so inconsiderate. She regularly eats the lunch he's packed for himself when she gets home from working at the movie theater late at night. So bizarre.
This brings me to the next realization I made this weekend. The issue isn't the kids' behavior per se. The issue really is his inability to stand up to them or the ex. The 19 and 14 year old are daddy's girls. That is fine, but it is clear that this means he will be poorly equipped to deal with them if they choose to make outings with them unbearable for me and my kids. Another example - he texted me yesterday that the ex only would take the 14 year old for the evening. This is often her technique - take only one so he has to stay home because god forbid the 19 year old step up and help. She is supposed to pick up and drop off. Later that night he was texted me that he was ironing shirts and making dinner, then one second later, "Oh crap. She just texted and I need to go pick up L(the daughter)." So he drops everything, stops dinner midway through cooking, etc. I'm sorry, but if my ex did that (which he does pull similar crap) I would respond, "Your choices are to bring her home or wait 20 minutes as I am in the middle of something and will come pick her up when I'm finished."
Anyway, sorry for venting but it and you guys have helped me see clearly that I'm happy with the status quo. I love him. He loves me and shows me in a myriad of ways great and small. He wants to keep his undisciplined kids away from me that's okay. Seems like it is better this way on all fronts. I'll continue to enjoy the times we do get together and if at some point he introduces me to the 14 y.o. we'll see how it goes and move from there. I won't however put up with her if she is anything like the 19 y.o. and certainly will limit my kids' exposure to them if that is the case.
Ok, that's fine for now but
Ok, that's fine for now but don't expect things to change when the kids move out, if they ever do. His "daddies girls" will still order him around, will still expect him to drop everything for them, will still be rude and demanding. He allows those behaviors now, and they don't get better. In fact they get worse. Oh, and it will be YOUR FAULT because you took their trained, weak daddy away from them.
He's learning that it's fine to show love to you only when he has permission from his kids and ex-wife, otherwise they are controlling his time and activities. He seems to be ok with that, and it seems a lot like you are in an all-but-secret relationship.
Maybe this works now while you're busy raising your own kids, but sooner or later I would find it intolerable.