"Unfair"
Unfair, unfair, unfair. That's all I heard from DH this freaking weekend.
Let me start off by saying he has actually been making a ton if progress. He hasn't spoken to BM. He's been great at putting SD in line. It's been quite marvelous actually. Then yesterday happened.
We brought SS+SD to see MIL for a quick visit. We went to walmart after we dropped them off to grab DS a high chair. When we were in the baby gear aisle I also was looking at car seats. DS is soon to outgrow his infant bucket seat and needs a bigger one. DH comes over and is looking at them with me, and says he can't move into one of these! This is way bigger the kids will have no room! (He obviously would not put DS in the car without a car seat, so I ignored him. DS is reaching the height/weight limit so we don't have an option, and I didn't think it was worth bickering) After we leave walmart we stopped to grab lunch before going to pick up the kids. As we were eating I was talking about how I refuse to put DS in with SS. There is too much of an age difference. I'd rather he stay in our freaking bedroom. Then I also said that if it got to the point where we had to downsize and we could only afford a 2 bedroom or something then DS would be getting that bedroom. Skids can sleep on the couch on their one overnight. DH gets pissed. "How can you say that! How can you think it's fair that DS gets a room and my kids don't!! They can't sleep on the couch!!" Blah blah blah. I'm disgusted with him over this. So Skids can have their own bedrooms at moms AND dads but my baby doesn't have any room. He's just going to bunk in our room until he's 6 and the skids are adults? It's more fair that they have a room that sits empty 6 days a week but DS has no room. Frigging blow me. Ugh. It pissed me off so bad. DH is so thick headed sometimes.
On a better note he has been pretty good about putting SD in her place. He was so good about it last night I couldn't even stay mad, I was beaming with pride. Even though that pissed me off really bad he is making changes, and overall I'm happy. I just HATE favorites. Especially when it comes to my baby. My baby is not second rate to them.
Oh god, I TOTALLY sympathize
Oh god, I TOTALLY sympathize on the rooms thing! That used to make me NUTS. (My oldest 2 SD's are in their 20's now with their own apartments, so it's less of an issue these days. Thank GOD.) I also refused to have an entire room sit vacant 12 days out of every 14. Ridiculous.
For car seats, look into which one has the smallest width. I actually need to fit 2 car seats and a booster chair in my car, so I had to get the smallest ones I could find! (There's still *plenty* of room for the baby, it's mostly the bottom of the seat that takes up less room.) Anyway, they can range from something like 18 inches to 24, which can be a huge difference.
It drives me crazy too!
It drives me crazy too! Growing up I had a blended family. I have three brothers. When my dad met my step mom she had three kids. Two lived with their dad, one with her. The one that lived full time with us shared a room with my brothers. The two that lived with their dad slept on the couches every other weekend. When they moved in full time they 'got' bedrooms. It makes no sense to me that they would have a room over the kid that actually lives here/sleeps here seven days a week. I don't want then to feel unwelcome. But it's seriously ridiculous.
this is interesting insight
this is interesting insight to something i hadnt thought much about.
we have a 2 bedroom, and SD13 is supposed to sleep over every other Saturday. So 2 nights a month. she has yet to sleep over. but we have always referred to my former guest room as "SD's room" to try and get her used to it/comfortable with it. She apparently made a comment to BM that got back to us that she felt like it wasnt "her room" but rather just a guest room. In part this is true. we do put guests in there, usually my mom. but i dont think this is a big deal. and i did talk to SD about it saying that others may stay there but her linens would always be washed and cleaned, and i even put a different bedspread on for guests and put hers back on when they leave.
but now that i think this through, i really want to put the nice bedspread on all the time and put her hideous hot pink one on just the two nights she stays, if she stays. at first i thought this was mean or unwelcoming but now im rethinking it. i did make it clear to fiance that i dont want the room decked out and decorated for a 13 year old unless and until she straightens up and starts staying iwht us regularly.
I think it depends on what
I think it depends on what size they are. If they are bigger kids it won't make sense for both of them to sleep on the same couch. You don't have to let them have their own room but they shouldn't have to feel like visitors in their father's home. Maybe let them have a little corner/area to decorate and put their stuff.
I definitely don't want them
I definitely don't want them to feel like visitors. This is simply an if scenario, if we have to downsize.
We have two couches though. SD always sleeps in the smaller one every night she's here because she's still afraid of the dark (read: likes to watch TV all night, but knows if she's pouts and says daddy I was scared he'll let her keep doing it)
Glad you're making progress!
Glad you're making progress! I hope you complimented him with each good move on his part - my husband really responds well to praise (I think most men do, especially those who were previously beaten down by exes!)
I sure did. Even without me
I sure did. Even without me saying anything it was obvious he was proud of himself. She threatened not to come over anymore because he was scolding her, and he looked her right in the eye and said fine. If you don't want to see me anymore then I won't force you. I love you and I've been the best dad I can be, if I'm not good enough for you that's your problem not mine. I wanted to yell hallelujah! Hahaha. She has always held that over his head just like BM does and as soon as he took away that power from her and gave it back to himself, you could see the difference. It was wonderful. He's grown a lot of confidence.
Yay! High five!
Yay! High five!
You can only do the best you
You can only do the best you can do if you have to downsize. I'd rather skids feel like visitors in their fathers home part time & have their own rooms at BMs, then to have your DS feel like a visitor ALL THE TIME at his mom & dad's house, while skids room sits empty.
Amen to that! That is EXACTLY
Amen to that! That is EXACTLY how I see it.
As a biological parent, it
As a biological parent, it would be a cold day in hell before my husband/boy friend/SO would tell me my children would have to sleep on the couch when they came to my home. Really? Would you treat your child that way? So why would you expect your husband to treat his children that way?
As a BM it would be an even colder day in hell before I would send my son to HIS FATHER'S house to sleep on the couch while his new baby slept in a bedroom. Again, really??
You need to have enough bedrooms for all of the kids. Who cares if the bedroom is empty 6 days a week? Make it work, his kids shouldn't be punished because the parents divorced, dad remarried and procreated with a new spouse.
I totally agree with your husband's standpoint, he is not wrong.
If you have to downsize, you
If you have to downsize, you can't AFFORD for all kids to have their own room.
They wouldn't just be downsizing for fun.
If her DH feels it is that important skids have their own separate rooms, he needs to develop a side hustle to pay for a place that size.
If visitation is just EOWE & holidays, in our state kids do not have to have a room at NCP house. NCP pays CS for kids to have a room at mom's house. Some fathers cannot afford to support two households. Is it fair? no. But it's just how it is.
Nuclear families have to downsize too. It's unfortunate - with this economy it happens. All 3 kids in babies room would also work & sound 'nicer' but what child over the age of 6 wants to be in the room with an infant waking them up in the middle of the night every nigth?
"If her DH feels it is that
"If her DH feels it is that important skids have their own separate rooms, he needs to develop a side hustle to pay for a place that size."
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Same could be said for new wife/stepmom.
Kids should not have to feel like visitors in their parents homes. It is sad that adults think they should.
New wife is also a new
New wife is also a new mother. She has 1 child to be financially responsible for. DH has 3. SM, new mom, picking up a new job so that skids can have their own room is just ignorant. kids are DH's responsibility (all 3). Only 1 is SM's. Skids have a room at mom's. Baby does not.
It is obviously not as important to SM that somebody elses kids have a room in her home.
Do I think kids have to feel like visitors in NCP home? NO. But if you CAN'T AFFORD it, you just CAN'T. When you have a hefty sum going out the door for CS, sometimes you just CAN'T.
Should the baby just have no room? Is that the option? Or they all share?
I could understand them all sharing, but I don't think older skids would really agree to that. Especially with SM/dad coming in for nightly feedings.
SM, new mom, picking up a new
SM, new mom, picking up a new job so that skids can have their own room is just ignorant.
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No new Mom would be picking up a job so her kid could have a room. Her husband is already working to provide that times two.
Are you a bio parent? There is no way I would allow my son to feel like visitor in his father's home. Would. Never. Happen.
I raised my stepkids, and find the mindset that "new families" should some how take priority over children who were on earth long before the second wife came along mind boggling. There can be a happy medium.
Oh so old families should
Oh so old families should take priority over new families?
I don't understand. Dh only has to provide for skids, not other biokid?
I have a child on the way right now. It will be my first.
We provide SD with her own room because we can. If times got financially hard, all children in our home would have to sacrifice. SD7 would still 'come first' in the fact that CS would ALWAYS be paid. As hard has time have been, DH has never been behind, never been late. But if all our kids had to share a room? That's not us putting SD7 on the back burner. That's just how families have to sacrifice because there isn't enough money.
If we were a nuclear family, SD7 would still have to share. If there aren't enough rooms there just aren't enough rooms. If SD7 was say, 15 & we had a new baby & she didn't want to share? She'd be welcome to the couch. Whether skid or my bio. Would it suck? Yes. Would i hate not having enough money for all my kids to have the 'american dream' everyone with their own bedroom? Yes. But hey, they would live - they would be like I was growing up -sharing with siblings.
DH needs to provide all kids with a bedroom. 1. If he is paying CS, he is already providing skids with one. IMHO.
& really? BM has no say on what goes on in our house. I wish she would say something if we went through hard times. SD7 has been sharing a room with her brother (not DH's) 5 yrs old her whole life. There's nothing DH can do about it.
You never answered if you would object to all kids sharing with baby?
You know what boggles ME, QB?
You know what boggles ME, QB? That some people think that a step situation deserves greater importance than a nuclear situation. I'm pretty sure this is where this generation is getting their entitlement from.
When my sister and I were little, we shared a room. In a four bedroom house. Two kept free for guests, and our parents had the master. Did we ever question it? Nope. Was this was until we were 13 and 14 and moved to a 5 bedroom house. Did we ever think it was unfair that two guest rooms was kept free and we couldn't each have our own room? Nope. Didn't even THINK it. It was how my parents ran things and it is the house they bought, so why would we even question it?
See, what amazes me is that we fear these feelings in children and it causes them to have these feelings too. I'm sure if you raised your child to NOT THINK the entire world was against them, or not to "look in their neighbors bowls unless it's to make sure they have enough" so to speak, this wouldn't be a problem.
You want to raise a child to be a spoiled brat? By not helping them see the positive side of things, and to only see where they are perceived to be jilted, you're creating people who will be ruled by jealousy in their lives, and that's a sad thing indeed and only the parents are to blame for that.
I personally think that showing them what is practical in life, (if you don't have the money, then the people who spend the majority time there should get the majority space) will help them grow into fiscally responsible adults.
But if you don't want that, by all means teach them that because someone's feelings might get hurt, to not be responsible and try to live above their means.
Yeesh.
As a mother myself, I know if I divorced DH, he would probably only be able to afford a 1 bedroom apartment. Would I throw a hissy fit if DH had BD sleep on a pull out couch when she went to visit him EOW? No way. I'd honestly think he'd be stupid and a terrible financial role model if he tried to get a 2 bedroom apartment just so he can keep one bedroom empty 95% of the year just so she didn't feel "like a visitor."
But to each their own I guess. I think ultimately the show of success is what kind of people we end up raising. Those who are compassionate to others and can agree on the best practical course of action, even at their own expense... or... y'know, those who don't.
I know which one I'd rather my child be.
I love this. Can you replace
I love this. Can you replace DH and help me raise my son? Hahaha. This is exactly how I want him to be raised. He wears what clothes I can afford to but him. And I don't want him to be 13 begging for an iphone. (Cough skids cough) It disgusts me how entitled kids are nowadays.
No, I have no problems with
No, I have no problems with kids sharing rooms. Mine (steps and bio) did it for several years in various groupings or "sharings" (I can't think of the right word.).
I was assuming this was the
I was assuming this was the original offer, the skids would only sleep on the couch if they didn't want to be awoken by a crying baby.
No, not at all. From the OP
No, not at all. From the OP in the ORIGINAL post, OP refuses to put her son in a room with SS:
***************
After we leave walmart we stopped to grab lunch before going to pick up the kids. As we were eating I was talking about how I refuse to put DS in with SS. There is too much of an age difference. I'd rather he stay in our freaking bedroom.
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but LOL @ it'll be a cold day
but LOL @ it'll be a cold day in hell before I send MY child to sleep on the couch at dads.. good luck with that logic in any court you crazy ass BM.
LMAO - that was my response too... seriously? BM gets to dictate what happens in MY house? I don't think so. And she cannot with-hold visitation because the skids don't have their own bedrooms. Rubbish.
Kids who live in the house ALL the time get preference for the bedrooms. VISITORS get put where they fit.
My ex and his fiancé have a 4 b/r house. One is their room; one a study; one a guest room and one for my two dd's when they go to visit (out of state, 4 visits a year) Fiance has friends with kids, THEY sleepover in my dd's room when they aren't there. While I don't LIKE that, it's not MY house so therefore not my place to try and demand anything. *I* have no rights there.
My skids BM tried to insist to my OH that we had to leave our Bedroom door open at night so her kids didn't get scared - yeah good luck with that honey, you have NO say in my house.
Oh, and SASM is an old poster, not an incarnation of HNRY
I refuse to have him share a
I refuse to have him share a room, meaning he would sleep in our room. Having a 2 year old in with two 16 year olds is not okay.
I think that lady is just a
I think that lady is just a crazy BM wanting to argue. Lol. She ignored all logic and reason, said SM should get a job to make sure her baby has a room (because skids were born first & come first) & just in general seemed more like she would say whatever to start an argument. Also, she offered zero advice (other than SM work to support poor widdle skids, they need TWO rooms before baby can have ONE).
I'm one for calling out trollish behavior... seems trollish to me. Lol
I'm not asking that DS have
I'm not asking that DS have more than them! I don't think he deserves more than them. They both have very nice bedrooms at their moms that DH helps pay for. My son deserves to have a freaking room too! Lol.
Dissenting views equal
Dissenting views equal trollish behavior? How mature. People don't have to agree. Really they do not.
Not to mention you did not even read the OP's post before posting your view point, and was corrected after several posts, where you were flat out wrong. LOL
Actually, your 'correction'
Actually, your 'correction' was wrong... lol. Please see above, where OP replied to you.
I disagreed with your correction but I kind of lost interest in replying to you. I felt, & still feel, that you were steering this thread away from a helpful conversation to your own ventings about your fears as a BM. -shrugs-.
Thank you QB for seeing my
Thank you QB for seeing my point of view. The skids do get priority in that CS is always paid. DH works exclusively on commission. And some weeks he makes no money. We still pay CS no matter what and we always will. Now that skids are teens it will be increased, judging by the online calculator it will be over 1/3 of DH's take home pay(the amount is way over what she pays in rent btw). We would not be able to afford 4bedrooms anymore. We would not downsize for fun. I in no way think my son takes priority over the skids. But DH already pays for them to have a bedroom, it's just at BM's. How does it make sense at all that they would have two bedrooms while my son doesn't have one. That makes no sense. If they moved in with us we would gladly go back to a bigger place. But if the CS goes up and we just can't afford it we just can't. They would be more than welcome to sleep in DS's room, on a blow up mattress or something. We'd probably put their clothes and things in his closet anyway. I would just have him sleep in our bed on those nights. (DS will be 2-3 when the skids are 16. That's just not appopriate to me for them to sleep together)
And I am a bio mom, if DH and I were divorced, and he couldn't afford for DS to have his own bedroom, I would understand. He'd be paying me to provide DS with a bedroom and a full belly. When you sign the divorce papers (or just break up) you lose all rights to have any say at Dads house. I wish more exes would realize that. Do I think my son deserves everything? Of course. But if DH had a new family and he couldn't afford for DS to have his own room after paying me, I don't see what's wrong with that. If no longer have any day over what goes in at his house.
my BM has no living expenses
my BM has no living expenses other than food and gas for her paid off car. regardless, she gets an obscene amount of money per month in CS. i hate hate hate how living expenses of both payor and the payee are not taken into account at all and that its strictly based on the payor's income. its simply awful how CS is really spousal support under a warm and fuzzy title.
EXACTLY! & I think govt hand
EXACTLY! & I think govt hand outs should be counted as income.
BM gets free daycare, free insurance (she had SD7 & her brother who is not DH's child both on medicaid until I put SD on my insurance so she could actually have decent health care), food stamps, etc. Along with the help her family gives her. & she gets CS from DH. She does not get CS from her son's Biodad because 'she doesn't want him to try and get visitation' as she said before (lies - she doesn't know who his real dad is).
DH & I work hard to provide SD with good things even though she's only here 30% of the time & he pays a good amount of his income to BM. SD has her own decorated room here, we have a nice yard, live in a nice neighborhood etc. & that is with paying CS. BM receives CS for SD & lives in a crappy 2 bedroom apartment in a crappy neighborhood & SD7 & her 5 yr old brother share a room about the size of a closet.
What is CS covering? We provide SD with school supplies & clothes so not that. Tax payers provide her food - even her school lunches. Her car was given to her.
But if that WERENT the case, if we COULDN'T afford to give SD nice things because of how much CS was going out - I'll be damned if BM gets to say what we do provide isn't good enough. Want her to have a better life at our home? Cut your CS.
Agreed. BM has no bills. She
Agreed. BM has no bills. She works full time. Her bf works full time. His parents own a duplex they live in. She got the car in the divorce. DH pays insurance. Half their babysitter. She also expects we pay half of activities/sports/clothes. Which I'm trying to put a stop to, but that's a whole other story. It sucks that living expenses aren't counted. They're saving up quite the hefty sum while we can't even afford to keep the kids bedrooms! It's stupid.
THIS If money is an issue,
THIS
If money is an issue, then put all three kids in one room.
There's no way in the world I woulmake some of my kids sleep on the couch while my other kids sleep in a bedroom.
I just can't imagine treating a minor child like she/he is a visitor in my home. I wouldn't have an issue with not giving each their own room, but a bed of their own in a shared bedroom would be a must.
Exactly. A parent's children
Exactly. A parent's children are his children. He should not be favoring one over another due to his wife. I would never put my husband in that situation nor would I ever make such demands.
Because apparently sending
Because apparently sending half of his take home pay to BM's to support his children is favoring my son? He is a 'team' with her to help provide for his children. They each have their own bedroom at BMs house. With flat screen TVs, game systems, toys and clothes galore. The other half of his income is combined with mine and provides for 'our' family. If we can only afford two bedrooms. You bet my son is getting the room. It would be completely ignorant for the kid that lives here full time to not have a bedroom while one sits empty except for 4 nights a month. You obviously think he should favor his 'first' family.
Those are repercussions of
Those are repercussions of divorce and subsequent marriages and children. Child support is a fact of life. That is why it is so important for us (women/stepmothers) chose our partners wisely. My step kids lived with me 24/7/365 and we paid 100% of their upbringing, cars, and now college. It would have been much easier to pay child support actually.
That's an interesting take on
That's an interesting take on things.
It seems you want SM/SDad to pay for the mistakes of BM/BDad.
Truth is, child support is paid so that the children can have 1 home where they have all their needs & a lot of their wants. DH is paying half his income for that home. SM/BD now cannot afford a house big enough for all kids to have their own rooms. That's fine. Biochild needs a room, they don't have one at another house. Biochild gets that room. skids sleep in room when they are on visitation, biochild sleeps in mom/dads room. It's 4 days a month.
That is how it has to be. But SM, who ALREADY works to support her biochild, does not need to take on a second job to give skids a room. Biodad is already supplying all his children (all 3) with a room, 2 just happen to be a BM's house.
Is it perfect? No, not for anyone involved. But you can't make SM & other child suffer (even more) just because you want to displace the negative effects of divorce on the COD. It simply doesn't work that way.
Please read OP's other responses, she explained things very nicely. Seems you are still looking at this as if she wants them to have no room at all, wants to force them on the couch against their will, & like she is unemployed. This has nothing to do with the difference between fulltime & part time stepkids. If skids lived there 100% of the time, no CS would be paid, BM would possibly PAY CS, & OP could afford a larger home for all kids to have their own rooms.
The amount DH pays BM a month is not equal to the amount we spend on SD when she is here all summer. That includes paying over 100 a week for camps & feeding & clothing her. That includes 1 dinner out a week. That includes gas & vacations. We spend less on that monthly in the summer than DH pays in CS every month. Paying CS is hard because you have to support TWO homes, instead of one. Don't have your skids 100% of the time & you still can very well pay most of their upbringing, car, & be CO'd to pay for college.
A lot of people think "it would be easier to pay CS" but in all honesty, I've done the math & we could have SD here full time, in a better school district & safer home, away from crazy BM, & it would cost us less than it does for DH to pay CS. She is of course 7 so, in school - just pay for after school care. The amount would be almost equal, but with the child tax credit we would then get, & not having to pay taxes on CS money - we would end up better off financially. Even with having her in extracurricular activities like dance/soccer/other things she is interested in. We already pay insurance & for all health costs for SD. We already pay for school clothes & supplies. DH already supports SD financialy 80% at Bm's house & 100% here. (This was actually calculated out & it was how they decided previously that DH would claim SD 4/5 years on taxes. However the state later ruled that since SD lives with Bm, she claims yearly.)
agreed! we'd have so much
agreed! we'd have so much more in the bank if SD just lived with us. that's money that we could invest for our retirement, her future needs, etc.
knowing that BM had zero living expenses and was not smart with money, my fiance at the time of the divorce tried to convince her to accept a deal where he paid one half of the child support to her each month and the other half he would invest in a high yield Trust for SD for her to have at 21. she of course refused this.
Perhaps if his children were
Perhaps if his children were that important to him then a) why did he leave his kids in the first place, surely he should have stayed there through thick and thin and b) why move into a home where it's quite obvious there aren't enough rooms for his kids?
No point in closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.
The child who lives in the home comes first, if only for clothes and personal storage space! They have their own rooms at BM's house and cannot expect to have their own rooms everywhere.Do they have their own room when they stay over at friends houses for the night? Or happy to bunk down anywhere? They normally are at that age.
My SS has the couch and my DD1 has her own bedroom. My grown up children also have the couch, apart from DS19 who lives with me and also has his own room. If SS or MY grown up children don't like it, then don't sleep the night, and my OH is totally in agreement with this.
Children's rights have to be
Children's rights have to be fought for by their parents. I see the mothers fighting for theirs more than the fathers do. Which is why there is an imbalance. It also explains why BM is usually in a tizzy- because she knows her ex-h will bend to the will of his wife at the expense of his children.
To reply to both you and San
To reply to both you and San Antonio. DH does not bend to my will. My son goes without FREQUENTLY because BM signs the skids up for clubs/spirts/activities/summer camp/etc and she will scream and cry and tell DH he is a pathetic father until he pays half. If he doesn't cave to her the skids come over and say mom told them that dad doesn't want them to do fun things or care about them at all. That breaks his heart and he folds immediately. That's on top of the CO child support and insurance.
DH pays CS to tell pay for BM apartment/living expenses, he already pays for their bedroom. It makes absolutely no sense that they would get priority over the child that lives her full time. If my son was part time and they were full time there is no way I would give him priority over them, and he shouldn't be treated that way either. Their clothes and items would go in his closet or whatever. And they would be more than welcome to sleep in their on their nights. However DS would not sleep in their with them. It's not a appropriate to put a 15 year old girl and a 15 year old boy in the same room with a 2 year old.
DH and I both support our son. DH helps BM support the skids. I honestly cannot understand why he would be providing doubly for them. I just don't get it. If DS was part time and skids were full time there is no way I would make them change their sleeping arrangement for him on his over night. That would be selfish. Skids both have their own rooms at BMs that DH helps pay for. Why can BS not have a room at his BM that DH helps pay for. It is completely stupid to think I should get two jobs to support skids having a bedroom. And it's completely stupid to think that I should completely support my son. Does their BM completely support them?? Of course not and she shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to either. DH and I are a team. Not him and BM being a team and I'm just supposed to completely provide for our son.
I agree 100% Generic.
I agree 100% Generic.
Now that my sd's (17) have
Now that my sd's (17) have shunned us, I no longer feel compelled to keep a room for them in our house. My spare room is my office and there's a bed in there if we have guests, but gone are the days when an entire room of my house was reserved for people who treat me like crap, shit on my husband, and act like our family is a cancer. We felt like we had to keep it as "the girls' bedroom" because they are our kids (DH's kids, not mine, but we call all of them "our" kids when we talk about them to each other) and we provide our kids with a place to sleep in our home. Now that we have outgrown the archaic thinking, we have also outgrown the superficial pretense. It's a small thing, but, man oh man, do I ever love having an office/spare bedroom now. We recently moved to a different house and there is something about a fresh start that makes moving on and disengaging feel so good.
Oh my goodness this is my
Oh my goodness this is my husband. His kids go away to schools and visit half time with us and half time with their mom. Some of the vacations are also spent with their friends and traveling, so they spend a small fraction of their time in our home. My child is with us half of the time. We are thinking of moving and the husband actually wants us to have a four bedroom home. If my child has a room of her own his must too. Never mind that they literally spend ten days a year here. So we should pay all of this money to have two rooms literally sit empty. We cannot afford such as we should be applying that money to retirement, but he will be dammed if he sees his children deprived. It makes no sense.
The car seat thing though is wrong. You need to keep your baby safe. The psychological aspect of it is amazing, needing the larger seat so that your child can take a rightful place as an equal child scares your husband. It dislike they are afraid of and ashamed of us. It is heartbreaking. How can people that were loving and sweet enough to us that we wanted to marry them become this? Perhaps we ignored and overlooked, but clearly something happened on their part too.
For one year I lived in a 2
For one year I lived in a 2 BR house and shared a bedroom with my kids. My daughter slept in the queen bed with me, and my son's twin mattress was on the floor in front of the bed. It was the best year ever. We could all go to bed at night, watching Little House on the Prairie reruns. This was just 5 years ago. We didn't have a couch in our living room. The living room was our "playroom" and our kitchen table was our "school room." The second bedroom was our "computer room" where my office and their computers were. You do what you have to do. And kids are only going to bitch about sleeping on the couch because someone tells them they should. My daughter loves sleeping on the couch rather than her bed, and so does my boyfriend's son (different house). Daddy needs to get over it. (My kids share a bedroom at their father's 2 br house.)
That 2br house sounds so
That 2br house sounds so cozy! You really set the tone with the little house on the prairie reruns - I would be in heaven!
That's the best part to! SD
That's the best part to! SD always sleeps on the couch when she's here. That's why I suggested it! She pretends to sleep in her bed until we go to bed then she moves out to the couch. The people saying I am making DH choose or favor obviously did not fully read what I said.
we have a 4 BR house- 1.
we have a 4 BR house-
1. master
2. husband's man cave
3. sd room/guest room
4. my office
SD14 has slept here 3 times in the last year. Not THIS year- since March 2013 to now. 3 times.
NO way I'm making it a shrine to her so her fee fees don't get hurt
this thread is definitely
this thread is definitely making me feel better about SD's room being used for guests as well. she never sleeps over even though she is supposed to. and even if she did what she was supposed to do, we're talking 2 nights per month. that's 24 nights a year.
This^^^ This is exactly
This^^^
This is exactly what's going on here.
Not really...I just don't
Not really...I just don't want the kid/s we had together to be treated like second class citizens when they go to your house. It is really quite simple.
So when they go to their
So when they go to their grandparents and sleep on the couch they're being treated like second class citizens? Or when BM moved in with her BF's parents while their duplex was being built and the skids slept in the same room on air mattresses, she was treating them like second class citizens? We should have prevented them from going back to her because they're too good to sleep on the floor or a couch? Especially when they sleep there six nights a week vs our one night.
As I said in my other comment, half of DH's take home income goes to BM/Skids. That is to pay for them to have bedrooms, insurance, food, sports, activities, camp, babysitter, etc. And if we had the skids full time we would be saving money instead of barely scraping by. I know that with 100% certainty. He had custody of them up until right before we married. We were in a much better financial situation, the amount we payed then vs now is much less. We pay for food/their bedrooms/insurance/babysitter/holidays and parties still but now we have the CS payment and gas to go the hour to her house and back four times a week on top of that. It's a lot more expensive.
It's really quite simple that the child that lives her full time gets the bedroom. Whether it's a first family kid, second, third, whatever. I "knew what I was getting into" and I'm quite happy with DH, and I'm also quite happy having the skids in my life as well as DS's life. However, he is just as responsible for the new baby as the twins. He pays his half to BM and when he 'pays his half' to me that includes making sure our son has a bedroom to sleep in! If we could afford it then I would more than want the skids to have bedrooms. But if it can't happen, it can't happen. Simple as that.
I think it all comes back to
I think it all comes back to the frequency of the visits. Since those two spend mostly all time at her mums,I don't see a problem with them sleeping on a comfy couch!! It does not mean they are feeling less welcome- it can be 100% explained to him that a)There is not enough money for a bigger place and b) the baby would wake them up at night , plus they would have adjust to babys need for sleep, which means no more TV or staying up later if all would share a room and c)they only come here for 1 night.
i just don't understand why SM is should feel bad- I can imagine that the kids will actually not mind it either- for 1 day a week it sounds a bit adventurous and fun.All SM and DH should care about should be that the kids are welcome and feel like family members rather than visitors.My own kids camped on couches and in the garage here and there and it was all good.It is not a big deal if we talk 1 day per week.But the baby needs the routine and spends all of his life at this house, so moving the baby is not such a good idea.All would be different if the skids would be 50% at the house- then I agree that another solution should be found.
We are in the process of
We are in the process of kicking my SS out of his room at our house. He's never in it except to sleep and I think he would prefer to sleep on the couch anyway since he constantly gets in trouble for falling asleep downstairs anyway. We are eventually going to finish our basement and put a 4th bedroom in our house that my SS says he wants really badly. We have a baby due in a couple of months and my SS's room is the largest so our younger son is going to move into that room and the smaller room is going to be for the new baby. My SS10 has a huge age gap to my oldest son, who is 16 months so them sharing a room is not an option for us. Plus, I don't trust my SS to be in a room alone with my kids anyway. My SS threatened to punch me in the stomach if I ever got pregnant again. He did NOT want siblings. My SS is an entitled troll so I wasn't worried about him actually hitting me in the stomach while I was pregnant, and he's too "scared" of babies to actually hurt my son(s), but I'm still not going to trust him to sleep in a room overnight with them.
Also, I don't think my 16 month old should be woken up every night by a newborn so they will be getting their own rooms for now.
My husband is taking his ex back to court, for various reasons, but one of them is for more visitation especially in the summer when he's not in school and we asked our lawyer about the bedroom arrangement and how that would affect getting more visitation/custody. She said he'll be fine in the court's eyes to sleep on the couch as long as we have a plan to get him a bedroom at some point especially if we are going for full custody down the road. She said we don't have to have a "finish date" and that us planning on finishing our basement "someday" is good enough.
I don't mind my boys sharing a room when they are older to accommodate my SS having his own room when he's here, but during this beginning stage, it's just not going to happen and I hope to god we have the basement finished sooner rather than later so it's not an issue.
This is a touchy subject. One
This is a touchy subject. One we discuss alot since we are planning to have another child and only have 3 bedrooms. When they are infants its ok for the baby to sleep in the crib in our bedroom, but as they grow up and possibly need a toddler bed it becomes sticky. For us, although SS is 12 we have him and my almost 2 year old share a room. The reality is this we only have 3 bedrooms, and SS is only there 1 day a week and eow weekend. They have to share. It is what it is. My DH was upset siad it wasn't fair, but my thing is this...are you going to go and get us a 5 bedroom house and we be house poor??? I mean with all the medical bills and child support we have what we can afford right now and they will live. Now we are having a 2nd baby together and guess what its a girl. She will share a room with SD once she gets older too. Its what it is. Good luck.
They are 13 and DS is 9
They are 13 and DS is 9 months old. He'll be staying in our room for at least another year because that's what I want. So he'll be around 2-3 lets say, and they will be 15-16. It seems inappropriate to me to put a little boy in with young adults.. And even besides that I know SS + SD would hate the rules (no tv, no going in and out after DS bedtime at 8, not waking him up, not encouraging him to get out of bed, etc).
We did find a reasonable priced house for rent that has 3 bedrooms, but it has a basement that we could possibly convert into something for SS. So we might not even have to deal with the not enough bedrooms.