The Typical BM-Mentally Ill Whether Diagnosed or Not
We all see the common thread running through here. BM fits the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, or BiPolar Disorder or has been diagnosed with such.
She has done any number of things such as attempted suicide, hidden the children, defied court orders, refused to work, demanded money, PAS'd the kids, used the kids to do dirty deeds and may do this to more than one man.
She gets food stamps, free lunches and sometimes free child care, she works, she gets CS AND she has a BF or DH paying even more for her.
SKIDS are lacking eye care, dental care, medical care and are dressed like street kids in India when they come to dad's house (to show how poor they are).
BM tries to keep dad away from school and special events.
BM tries to replace dad with another guy, or a few guys.
BM knows we have her number and therefore hates us for calling her out to DH every time.
DH is a wimp, scared of her because the court system has decimated him financially and in every other way. He only longs to see his children.
These are our fellow womenfolk. They make me sick. Even my friends who are relatively normal divorced BMs are constantly asking for money.
1) Mentally ill women should not have custody-courts need to give custody to fathers more
2) Every divorce without proof of abuse or neglect should assume joint custody and shared parenting time
3) A CS account should be set up where each parent has to contribute money in and each parent may use the money for approved expenses when the child is with them. It can be set up like food stamps where only certain items can be purchased to a certain amount. That means school fees, school supplies, food, clothes and one activity. If for some reason one parent has primary custody they can be appointed to pay school fees and other things.
4) CS money should not be used for mortgage or rent. Everybody has to live somewhere
5) In the case of those below poverty level, they must be enrolled in welfare to work programs, in school or in some type of training to qualify for benefits. Both mother and father.
6) For those with extreme wealth-a legal mediator coordinates the financial responsibilities of each parent
Our court systems in every state have allowed this to go on. They empower women as victims-rewarding them for crying and complaining in court. They are rewarded for their lack of education and lack of work history. The system continues to view men as abusers and women as victims. The court disbelieves men when they are abused (and can't hit her back).
We as women need to stop this. This is not progress. If the courts assumed that the more financially stable parent should have custody, you would see them high tail it out to more lucrative work.
We need to make police reports, child protective reports, welfare fraud reports and write to our political representatives.
We also need to tell BMs to get some psychological help and some self-respect.
Who isn't paying child
Who isn't paying child support? Why do fathers have to pay twice? We have to supply a roof, food, clothes, activities, gifts, transportation ON TOP of CS. And these dead beat mothers don't even have to prove where they spend the money!
This BM quit her job for one whole summer yet was able to give a large financial gift to a bride. CS paid that gift. She spent $1000.oo on a communion dress yet she gets food stamps. The men get hit with CS, maintenance (why don't we bring back chastity belts also) and her damn attorney fees.
These women are users and losers.
When it comes to custody she says "my children." When it comes to money she says " your children."
That says it all right there.
So you have custody of SKIDS
So you have custody of SKIDS and BM doesn't pay?
DSO has to give BM money to
DSO has to give BM money to transport one of the kids to something...doctor, activity. If he doesn't, she doesn't care if the kid misses something.
DSO has 100% and BM doesn't pay her CO'ed CS.
That was my case, I ended up
That was my case, I ended up being friends with the BM over the years I was married to my ex. My ex wanted to make me hate her, he was always the victim. Over the years I started to see how manipulative he was. BTW mine had an MMPII test so I know exactly what his mental diagnosis is.
So true!
So true!
I knew it was BOTH before I
I knew it was BOTH before I divorced. I just wish I knew BEFORE I ever married! LMAO!
Uh huh and when a BM has
Uh huh and when a BM has multiple diagnosis of illnesses from her GP to ensure she can "stay at home" and is too unwell to work? Our has manic depression, fibromyalgia, anxiety disorder and recently she added ADD. Let me not forget alcoholism.
There is a definite
There is a definite difference between crazy and disordered. Some of these 'crazy' BM's are high functioning and quite capable of appearing crazy, when they're really just master manipulators. That's when I say, disordered.
Already, in that case we have
Already, in that case we have an EXTREMELY disordered BM. The fake illnesses are exactly that. There is nothing wrong with her, other than she doesn't want to work so lives off maintenance and her new husbands salary. She got him to adopt her first born.
Ahh.... Master manipulator. I
Ahh.... Master manipulator. I gotcha!
LOL.
Sally, wanna talk about a
Sally, wanna talk about a DUMBASS. Look at my DH. Him and everyone in their group knew BM was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by her therapist (changed from an original Dissociative Disorder diagnosis when more specific mental illnesses were recognized) BECAUSE SHE TOLD EVERYONE.
And DH, not knowing what the fuck that was and didn't have the brain to google it, slept with her anyway and was surprised that she was a manipulative, lying, crazy person.
So now he's paying for it with a quarter of his income.
3kids I live in South Africa.
3kids I live in South Africa. Fibromyalgia and depression are exclusions on all disability life insurances. There for she placed on the court that my SS was autistic along with a number of other strange claims. Additionally she claimed she could not work AND my SS needed her as a SAHM tada very large maintenance was awarded.
Her "illnesses" cause my SS immense anguish. She tells him things like "Mommy will never be well, her head is messed up" then takes to her bed for the week.
In my country you can do that and still keep the children.
My brother's MIL has played
My brother's MIL has played the Fibromyalgia card for decades. He calls it Fig-My-Imagia. It only seems to flare up when there is something she does not want to do or a place that her husband wants to visit or live that her "disease" will not allow.
I love the officially Dx'd syndrome of the week that these useless wastes of skin leverage to justify their uselessness.
The people with legitimate issues seem to gut through them and live life with some character and honor while the wastes of skin seem to use the Dx of the month as an excuse.
"If it's proven they need a
"If it's proven they need a bigger place for an extra room for a child, they'd have to pay that anyway. Why should someone else pay for it? That becomes alimony, not child support."
It is not typical for a child to sleep in the same room as a parent. Ergo, there will be additional cost to having a home with an extra room for the child/children. So, there should be some proportional responsibility for that extra cost.
"Clothing? The non custodial parent can purchase the clothes directly, and not give the other parent the money for it."
Sure, that could work but if my DH had been responsible for his girls' clothing they would have looked ridiculous. lol.
"Daycare should be split evenly by the parents. Period. If the parents would have had to pay daycare when they were together anyway, it should still be paid for when split. But evenly. "
Why evenly? There should be a proportional allocation of this and other expenses. Let's say the BF is a doctor and the BM is a cashier at Foodlion but she took care of the home and did pretty much 100% of the work to keep the house running (paying bills, dealing with repair people, raising kids, cooking meals, shopping, errands etc..). Shouldn't he proportionally pay more? I think so. BTW, in the original household, there may NOT have been any child care costs if the BM was a SAHM.
Extracurricular activities, health care, etc... all those things can be prescribed differently in different COs.
I am not saying that all BM's spend the money they get "wisely". Shoot, I would say my DH's EX did NOT and didn't pay her share of other things like medical expenses etc... but, my DH paid his obligation to her for his kids' sake. The bottom line is that kid's cost money and it is quite often that there is a variation in earning power in a couple. It is also more typical for the BM to be the primary caregiver to the children during the marriage and I believe that is a driver behind her getting custody in many cases. That is not to say a man cannot get custody or shouldn't but in more traditional homes, the woman tends to be the one doing most of the child related things.
I don't see the value in nickel and diming how the EX is spending money. I have a feeling that the people who often complain the most are the NEW spouse that resents seeing financial resources leave their household and they are resentful of that money being spent on the ex/kids. Add to that fact that I have seen many women who's DH is pretty much a loser who doesn't work enough to really contribute only cobbling together part time jobs and that leaves the burden of making up the difference on the NEW wife or partner. Ladies, that is not the EX's fault. That is NOT the kid's fault. That is YOUR fault for picking a guy that can't pull his own weight. That is YOUR fault for allowing him to pull YOU down. That is your SO's fault for being lazy and just bitching about his ex instead of doing something adult like stepping up and earning more money.
Oh.. and my position is a SM and I am not a BM. My DH had to pay CS and there were times I had to help pay things when his business was struggling, so I am not without sympathy for the situation. But, you can either wallow in pity and resent the kids when it isn't their fault or be a partner to your SO and help them become successful so that they ARE pulling their weight. Your attitude is your choice.
***you're right - but the
***you're right - but the other parent has to pay their own increase in living expenses to accommodate that same child... I meant by this that they shouldn't ALSO have to pay for the increase in the other parent's housing.
Because generally the house that has the primary custody will have a greater need. Often in the NCP home, the children are not allocated primary or exclusive space. They often share a bedroom or the room is used for other purposes while they are gone.
Proportional is still a viable option.. When they decided to bring children into the world that was a promise at that point in time by both parents that they would contribute and combine resources (financial and otherwise) to raising that child. ERGO, when the relationship with the spouse ends, that does not mean the obligation to support the child in some proportional way ends.
The bottom line is that the new wife resents money leaving the house. This is especially true when they are married to an under performing partner that leaves THEM on the hook for a greater percentage of the new household expenses. In this case, it may be 100% true that the NEW spouse actually has ended up with the problem. It's a 50/50 chance that the one you marry was the problem...
The sad fact is that when a family splits up, the cost to support those people goes up because there are now two households that need to independantly survive. Take the combined income of the two people and both will be paying more but the higher earning spouse often ends up paying a LOT more. That's the way it is. You have a choice to marry someone with these financial obligations. Don't do it if you can't handle the reality that there are going to be primary dibs on money that your spouse makes. If your husband can't pay his part of your bills, that is his problem to fix. It isn't the EX's fault.
The bottom line is that
The bottom line is that raising a kid is expensive. The greater risk lies with the woman because she bears the physical risk of the actual pregnancy and childbirth. She is also at the mercy of the man's willingness and ability to provide her with support for the child. I hazard a guess that there are more women that are raising a child with little to no paternal support vs. the few guys that are being taken to the cleaners. Even an order of support doesn't guarantee payment. (of course this goes both ways as a man can be a CP, but it isn't as typical)
The man on the other hand does not have primary decision as to whether the child is born or not. After his "donation" the woman can decide to abort or have the child and he doesn't have a say. If the woman decides to have the child then, the (if they aren't together) court will assign him a financial responsibility for that child and afford him rights to access to the child (visitation schedules etc..)
Yes, the woman can decide to have the kid and they guy at that point doesn't have a choice. But, that's the risk he took when he had relations with the woman.
Unfortunately, for the next SO, the obligations to the child can impair his financial position. You came after and generally, should know what that is going to mean. If you can't handle the fact that he is paying bucks to the EX (or one night stand) for a kid that was produced, don't be with them. It is at that point your choice to put yourself in a position where the "household income" is impaired.
I agree with you. I do not
I agree with you. I do not believe that CS should be able to augment the CP's life in any way. Unfortunately the system is set in the current toxic format that demonizes dads and ignores the toxic crap of some moms. And... I am a custodial step parent (Married to the CP).
We never needed a penny in CS. However, I relished in flaunting the use of the pittance in CS the SpermGrandParents paid for their useless POS waste of skin son the SpermIdiot for everything including expensive vacations, new cars, homes, expensive gifts, etc... Not that the pittance initially would cover much more than a decent dinner once a month for the three of us or at any given time funded much of anything noteworthy.
I relished in rubbing their noses in how whiney they got over how unfair it was that THEY were paying CS that we did not need. In our case, the NCP clan was toxic and my CP bride was and is the responsible bio-adult in the equation.
Over 16 years of our CO CS increased from $110/mo to $133/mo to $785/mo to $385/mo for a total of ~$40K.
The pittance was never worth having to expose the kid to the shallow and polluted toxic end of his gene pool. His mom and I would have paid far more to keep them out of his life.
Oh my. The statements here in
Oh my. The statements here in the original post are such blanket statements.
The gist of the post that I am getting is that most women should be penalized because some men can't stand up to them. Like Sally said, sounds like a man problem.
Blanket statements against women really get me angry. How about the men who actually like to use their wives as punching bags, live sex dolls, etc.??? You think a guy like that should get custody. The sad part about that type of situation is it is that type of guy who will stand up to his ex.
Mysoginy at its best.
Well if she writes that
Well if she writes that letter with all it's 'How It Should Be According To SM' to her House Rep. and Senator, it won't get pass his/her secretary's gopher.
Illinois has the same guidelines/laws on CS for every NCP as they do OP'S guy. OP's guy wasn't treated 'special' nor will he be. One kid, 20%. Doesn't lower or increase per whether CP works nor CP's income. Same rules Illinois has carried since roughly 1980.
Why would blanket statements
Why would blanket statements against women anger you any more than blanket statements against men? The entire family law system exists to demonize men and on the assumption that dads are irrelevant and unnecessary.
This is why though my own Skid's NCP BioDad is a useless POS I am a proponent of CPs not being allowed to use CS for anything that the CP in any way would benefit from. Not one electron of
electricity , not one square millimeter of living space, not one pico-cent of benefit. Unfortunately that is not a practical position to implement. Which is why I am a proponent of the most financially capable bioparent being given preference of custody in a Custody/Visitation/Support order.
Base it entirely on verifiable fact in a gender blind manner.
Misogyny is a tragic thing that fortunately is not prevalent in 1st world countries. In fact I find it to primarily be an excuse that low performers use to justify their low performance. It just happens to only be an applicable excuse for ~half of the human population or undoubtedly low performing men would appropriate it. Misogyny is alive and well and I see it every day in the developing world.
IMHO of course.
It angers me when people make
It angers me when people make blanket statements against men as well. Because the general statements are shaped by people's specific experiences. I don't enjoy listening to the feminist rhetoric as well. It is usually so anti-men.
As a woman I don't think all men are horrible people who want to bring women down. I also don't think all women are crazy who want to bring men down and bleed them dry.
I think we are in agreement
I think we are in agreement then. But... I do question this .... "I also don't think all women are crazy who want to bring men down and bleed them dry." To qualify agreement with this part I would have to say "unless justified by the man's behavior."
So many people live like
So many people live like that!
BM is a perfect example. She's building a house in a resort town and she's run out of money and credit. Between the house, the new jeep, the new 5th wheel toy hauler and dog knows what else she's near bankruptcy. She can't even finish the house and is looking for investors to pay her to finish it.
But on FB life is great and she's building herself a retirement dream home! How things look are more important to her than how things really are. It must be incredibly stressful.
"Some are born and the guy
"Some are born and the guy was an absolute fool for risking a baby with her, but crazy often means wild sex and fun times and not to put too fine a point on it, too many men think with the wrong head."
True True! According to my brother, crazy women are freaks in the sheets, lol.
If I ever got CS from my Ex I
If I ever got CS from my Ex I am spending it all on myself! }:)
He owes so much now I swear
He owes so much now I swear if I got it all in one lump sum I would probably pass out and then get up and head straight to the mall.
Oh yeah I have lots of
Oh yeah I have lots of fantasy vacations planned in my head too.
Keep the faith. I know a
Keep the faith. I know a lady who got paid all her back support when her EX's mom passed and she stipulated that the CS be paid before he got his inheritance. GO Grammy!
I'm actually thinking this
I'm actually thinking this might happen. I get along very well with Ex MIL. She never got CS for Ex and his sister growing up so she knows the situation I am in. Ex MIL did VERY well for herself. I think she is smart enough (and kind enough) to make sure that I am paid any back CS before Ex receives any money.
Well this can happen as well.
Well this can happen as well. Ex MIL is pretty fed up with Ex so she may just decide to not leave him anything and leave it to BS. Which is fine too.
Right! I like to think what
Right!
I like to think what I would do with the CS money if I got it. At this point it would be all extra money.
DH is done with CS next year
DH is done with CS next year (edited this correctly) so that will free up $600 a month. And to think- if I got the $350 in CS that is ordered (that is not including the arrears amount, so it would be even more)- shoot we could have ourselves a nice truck and a camper with those payments alone. LOL.
yeah we're not gonna hold our
yeah we're not gonna hold our breath for any $ from dumb@$$.
but sometimes you never know - a girl who works for me, her dad refused to pay cs. well, she grew up and he thought he was off the hook. she ran into him one time, and as he left she wrote down his license plate #. at the time she was working for the PD }:) }:) }:)
That is what we led the
That is what we led the SpermClan to believe for the entire 16yrs of our CO. }:)
You pretty much described Bm
You pretty much described Bm in your post. I think she has borderline personality disorder. I was reading your post and was like "Check, check, check.. that's her.. she does that, check.. yep, and yep and yep!"
But he doesn't stand up to her. And someone who can't fight crazy for the best interest of their kids ... Should they get custody?
This thread has been real
This thread has been real entertaining. The way I see it, a scorned woman is often going to be unreasonable. The new woman is going to resent the chick her husband impregnated and the situation that robs her of her money and sanity.
The BM I deal with, in my opinion, is a certified fucking loser. I am no CEO making 6 figures a year, but I at least work a full time job and have health benefits and contribute to society. BM and DH has the kids young and the best reason DH could come up with is because "all of their friends were having kids." DH was also a huge loser at that point in his life. He isn't innocent in the whole situation... she didn't "trick him" into both kids... he is guilty too. Tough pill to swallow.
The issue is, when they split it was essentially mutual until new woman (me) was in the picture. Then DH is suddenly a demon who wasn't allowed to be around his kids, ever. BM dragged them from guy to guy and that was A-OK.
Then BM decides she is a little tight on cash, so lets take DH to court and demand arrears from the time skid 2 was born. So, BM decides to take the house and everything he has and then take him for child support and fight tooth and nail to be the custodial parent. Seems legit.
Because if he wants to move on with his life, he is going to pay for it. She would rather see DH in a sleeping bag on the side of the highway, grazing for food like livestock than living a good life without her. That is the BM mentality that makes so many of us call these women "mentally ill.
I can see both sides. BM thinks I am a stupid whore who ruined her family and has no idea what being a parent entails... fair enough. I think BM is an uneducated, redneck whore who sucks as a parent and can barely function as an adult. 2 sides to every story. And at the end of the day, I am making memories with her kids and her kids are going back and forth between houses, and on our kid free weekends I am lounging naked in bed with my hubby, the father of her kids, while she gets yelled at by her crazy new boyfriend. It sucks worse to be her, in my humble opinion.
At the end of the day the only way I can maintain an ounce of fucking sanity is to repeatedly try to "see things from her perspective" and "take the high road." If I think about it too much I do want to explode, who wouldn't... when you see money flying out of your household and still the bitch always wants more? I must be mentally ill myself, to put up with the situation. Such is life.
Very well said! The way I
Very well said!
The way I look at it... one day that CS is going to end and BM is still going to be the same loser that she is now. She is still going to be over extended on her credit, working a low wage job, living in a crappy apartment with crappy furniture.
Well DH and I are just going to be up $600 a month when CS ends. And since we are already working good jobs, live in a house and have nice things (that we worked for and paid cash for)we are just going to be doing better.
I doubt it in the next year (when CS ends) that BM is going to be in any better type of situation.
So really it all works out in the end.
I try to look at it like that
I try to look at it like that too. I try to tell myself that I am financially responsible, I am teaching DH to be responsible, I try to save as much money as possible - always hunting for the discount. BM is an irresponsible idiot and a nice, hefty child support payment isn't going to change that... if anything it'll make it easier for her to fuck up on a slightly larger scale.
That karma train will come and when it does I am going to sip my wine and just bask in the glory of it all.
In my former Step-situation,
In my former Step-situation, this is exactly what happened. SK's aged out and her free pay day ended.
She latched on to a man, any man. (Sometimes more than one.) Her only other income was that of her 'disabled' kid who received SSI beginning at age 15 (which was never calculated as income at the time, b/c BM never disclosed it.) Yes, it can and does happen. She lived large until the bottom dropped out. Even her kid moved out and took the SSI with. It was actually fun to watch. }:)
BM got married a couple of
BM got married a couple of years ago and I guess her new DH is an alcoholic and can't keep a job. So she is stuck with this loser, so no hope in her finding someone else to latch on too. Even if they got divorced she has zero qualities that would attract a good man.
She put a vehicle in her name for YSD17's boyfriend who worked at the grocery store. Well he obviously stopped paying for the car, so SS took over the payment. Well then SS got 2 DUIs within 6 months of each other so I am sure he will be going to jail soon, lose the job he has now and not be able to pay for the car and BM will be stuck with it.
When CS ends she is going to be so screwed.
I know that it seems
I know that it seems counter-productive, to take delight in someone else's hardship. But, it's hard not to do, when you've had to do without, simply b/c the BM refused to step up for her own kids or herself.
Both the bios in my former step-hell were losers who should have never bred. Having said that, BM took the first place ribbon. Even now, when I hear that she's struggling, it brings a smile to my face.
well I'm just going to admit
well I'm just going to admit it. I long for the kharma train to hit BM hard. I hope that when child support ends she suffers and suffers greatly. If that isn't taking the high road and makes me a lesser person, then it is what it is because that's my honest to God true feelings on the matter.
Sadly my IL clan had a
Sadly my IL clan had a similar philosophy. My bride received a notable VA income her entire childhood and young adult life. Her biodad was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant. From birth to age 18 the VA paid my MIL a boat load of money in benefits for my wife. In fact.... my ILs specifically worked hard to talk my bride out of marrying the SpermIdiot (at 16) when she got pregnant to preserve their reliance on my wife's VA benefits. They also purposely did not have my FIL adopt my bride though he was in the delivery room when she was born and MIL and FIL married when DW was 2mos old.
When my bride left the state for college my ILs were pissed off to no end and oh so very screwed. DW took her benefits with her. That started a downward spiral of financial collapse that ultimately led my ILs through multiple foreclosures and bankruptcies.
It is sad but a ton of karmic justice when these types of people live the consequences of their crappy behavior and decisions.
I have been on both sides of
I have been on both sides of the CS situation and it is a tough call. What I get from my son's father doesn't even cover 1/2 what I spend on daycare or health insurance for our son let allowing me to be spending it on me lol. This summer alone my daycare ran me 800.00 a month. Plus because of his age when they go on field trips the kids bring spending money. I am so thankful that summer is ending because that is a lot of money. My ex and I made about the same but his custody is at 14%... he agreed to that mind you. i WOULD NEVER ask for anything for activities, in fact the only thing he has ever paid other than CS was $23.00 for his 40% of a dental bill. He was such as a$$ about that , that I do not even ask for that anymore.