Troubled SD and Father Who Leaves it to Me
I'm about to lose it. I've been with this man for over 7 years. His daughter was 2 when we met. She refers to me as her mom to other people. When she was 6, he had custody of her for a year while his psycho ex-wife was homeless. We took her to counseling, we went to parenting classes, we went to her school each week (she was in trouble in Kindergarten), we put her in summer camp and swimming lessons. Then, one fine day, at trial, the psycho judge gives her back to her mother and assigns him high child support, maintenance, gives her the house (in foreclosure anyway) and the child tax deductions each year. She also assigns him half of her attorney fees. Three years later we are still struggling under CS and our attorney fees. Three years later SD will be 10 in November. She is 120 pounds. She has had a broken finger and broken foot. Her adult brothers have shown her pornography on the computer. They drive recklessly with her in the car. She looks a mess. Her clothes are too small, holes in the shoes. Hair a tangled mess and she stinks when she arrives. BM forbids haircuts (I used to cut he hair, I'm a cosmetology teacher). Then we started to take her to a salon because SD will fight me cutting her hair because BM punishes her if she allows it. Each haircut BM calls and screams. I guess a tangled mess is more to her liking.
Now, SD is out of control. Same issues I see on other posts. Her father doesn't discipline her. He argues with me if I try to. I can't control her. She alternately calls for me every 3 minutes, and refuses to listen to me. She will only eat junk food. She will not eat a normal meal "because it's not the same as momma's." She has been here for 11 days for vacation and I have taken care of her for all 11 days. Father is busy working. I am off for the summer. We scraped together 500 dollars to put her in horseback riding camp to which I drove and picked her up each day. I feed her, I wash her clothes, i anticipate her needs while father is oblivious. Yet, I have to struggle to get her to shower, brush her hair, brush her teeth, She throws all of her clothes on the floor, all wrappers on the floor. Each day is spent trying to stay ahead of the mess and cleaning up after her. She goes from room to room back and forth, in and out of the house literally every 5 minutes. She does not stay still. TV on, tv off. Each day is like this, there is no peace. Even though she won't listen to me, she clings to me and calls me every few minutes. Look at me, look what I can do, blah blah. She is also very physical with me, like a boy. I took her to the pool today and she pushes me, splashes me, pulls me. We can't just be together and enjoy the water, she has to be pushing, shoving, pulling.
As usual, I'm by myself with her and can't control her. Everywhere we go she wants me to buy something, anything. If she sees a vending machine she has to have something or she won't stop whining and complaining, even though I brought all the food and drinks with us.
Tonight she refused to get out of the pool and ignored me when I called her. She was the last kid in the pool at a giant water park. I had to go to her and get her out of the water. Then, in the locker room, it's help me, help me. Her father is useless, I decided that today. He thinks that the "mother" whoever she is that day, can handle her. Problem is, his ex-wife is mentally ill, self-absorbed and is fixated on getting him back (I should give him). She is a religious fanatic but spends her time thinking of ways to get even with us. Her late life daughter is of little concern. She is only wanted because she gets child support, medical card, food stamps. She does not nurture or guide her daughter.
I don't know what is wrong with this child and I don't know what to do. If I wasn't back in graduate school I'd seriously consider leaving.
My son will be 10 in
My son will be 10 in September and only weighs 52! Anyway, it sounds like she needs rules and boundaries. Does she have anything to lose? (Like a phone or tablet?) I would threaten to take away her privileges with toys or electronics. Like, "When I say it's time to leave the pool you will lose your tablet if you don't listen to me." Also, she should earn going to the pool by cleaning up after herself, keeping hands to self, etc. It sounds like she needs a list of rules for home and outside the home. Before I take kids to pool, we go over pool rules "No running, splashing, etc." The number 1 thing she needs is Dad to do all this instead of you having to do all this! My son has autism, so I have to set up and constantly go over rules. If Dad isn't involved, who is going to enforce punishments?? He needs to step up! I deal with my son and my DH enforces punishments for SS. Your DH needs to be a part of making and going over the rules and letting her know what the consequences will be...at least. As for bm, I can't say much there as I suffer from mental illness myself. I'm just responsible enough to take my meds.
We went to counseling for
We went to counseling for eight months when she lived with us and parenting classes. I was told I was too strict and he was taught to give consequences. Now that BM has custody, he does nothing. When she is here, no boundaries, no rules, no consequences. When he is fed up he yells at her. I can't get any cooperation from him at all. If I don't take her somewhere my life will be hell in the house.
She is very tall, in the 96th percentile or whatever, but she is still overweight. I buy her women's size medium clothes.
As long as she knows Dad
As long as she knows Dad won't give her consequences, she will be out of control. I suggest you and he go to counseling. If he refuses to go talk about this and find out why he thinks it's his job to make his daughter happy rather than parent, I'd leave. So sorry you're dealing with this!!!
Her mother has mental issues
Her mother has mental issues which doesn't help. I just had to talk to her now. I haven't even finished my coffee and she got up and started going after the cat because he scratched her two days ago. I told her he is afraid to go outside and she tried to force him and he scratched her trying to get in the house. She has been trying to kick him for two days now. i think her mother told her to do that on the phone. I just sat down and explained to her that he is an animal and is scared to go outside, he never scratches anyone. She picked him up and threw him in the air and tried to force him outside and he scratched. I told her she has to take responsibility for her actions-what if someone tried to throw her out, how would she feel and wouldn't you kick and scream?
I also told her she has to start picking up after herself because she is old enough now and she is making too much work for everyone. She said her mother picks up after her.
Father is useless, seriously. He wants to spoil her because she is not here all the time anymore. This was a one week vacation, plus weekends, she is not here all summer. She will go back today. I think that the two households are very different. I feel that parents are in control, not kids.
The counselor told me "it's not 1963 anymore." Meaning parents don't parent the way I was parented. That's the problem with these kids, the parents don't parent anymore. Plus they are told in school they can call the police on their parents if they are spanked. Maybe those spankings kept me from doing really stupid things. Now the kids think they are the adults and we have to listen to them. Unbelievable.
Pull back! Its amazing how
Pull back! Its amazing how kids act towards parents that do so much for them. I want to do so much for my kid, but I noticed that the more camps I pay for and things I get her, the more bratty she acted. Her dad would never go out of his way to take her to gymnastics or dance class, but she seemed to like him more! So, I stopped volunteering to do so many things for her. When she asked me to take her here or there I would reply "If I feel like it." Or I would cancel plans to go to the pool because of her attitude and tell her that "I didn't feel like going anymore." (not in an angry tone though) She would ask why and I would explain to her that the way she talked to me made me not want to go anywhere with her. If things were better, maybe later I might feel like it. This seemed to work. I started this tactic when she was 10 or so. It seemed to work. She became more aware of how her actions effect other people (and ultimately her).
Granted I didn't have someone in her other ear working against me...good luck!
This article is my situation
This article is my situation exactly. The only difference is that he had custody for a year while psycho BM was homeless. I invested in a year of child psychotherapy, parenting classes and 14k of my own money in the custody trial. Her mother is mentally ill and she lives with two adult brothers. One with aspergers who hits her and another who is always watching porn in front of her. I know she is not safe or well taken care of there. Her mother even refuses to get her eyeglasses (we did when she was with us) and told her she looks funny in them. I don't know what these idiot judges are thinking when they make these decisions. We don't have enough money to start a change of custody suit so I keep trying to make a good life for her here. Lately, these past few months, the behavior has started like this. She was always difficult, but something has changed. I feel that her mother is encouraging her to do this so that perhaps I will get so frustrated and forbid her to be here. The BM doesn't want her with me. Maybe she hopes I will leave altogether if the daughter is bad as she wants DH back. Lately she's begun saying things like "he's my daddy," "you're always in the middle of us." Yet, it's me who is always trying to get him to spend more time with her.
I will try to disengage. What
I will try to disengage. What is frightening to me is that she has known me since she was 2. I'm not sure she has any memories of him living with her, except BM is always showing her pictures and reinforcing how THEY are a family and not me. She tells SD that they are still married (this is her religious fanaticism) and that they can't marry anyone else. SD is confused, her eyes tell her one thing and her mother another. SD has been close to me, holds my hand, wants to go places with me etc. This new terrible (ok, it went from bad to terrible) is new. Her mother insisted on calling during the vacation and she would go hide with the phone-don't know what she was telling her but I heard a lot of "mm hmmms." She is instructing her on the phone. I told him to stop letting her talk because of this.
Food is a serious issue because BM thinks she is the world's best cook. She may be, but it's not healthy food. It's high fat, high carb Italian food, lots of fried dough. Tastes delicious, yes, but SD is dangerously overweight. i try to buy healthy food and SD won't eat it. She wants that same high fat, high carb crap that her mother makes. So first thing BM asks on the phone is "did you eat?" As if we don't feed her. I could go on but...
What is really bothering me is that BM won't get over this. Just two weeks ago she was inviting DH to eat dinner with them (this food thing again, she tries to send him food out with SD-we had to get a court order to stop her) on his Wednesday visitation. She tried to incarcerate him THREE times for CS she must be delusional if she thinks he would ever talk to her again. Everyone told me she would get over it, go on with her life, find a boyfriend. They were all wrong. Seven years later she is still after him and manipulating her daughter against me. The judge only empowered her sickness and SD is not only 120 pounds, she failed three classes in school and doesn't get the medical care she needs. Hard to disengage from this, you know? But, I'll take small steps.