trying to move forward but I keep going backward
So much has happened this past year and I am just trying to move forward with a new life with my fiance. So much negative things has happened ,first psycho ex started with her bs when my kids come over .Then the bs with my sister (long story ) but court is coming up for that . Now my parents have gotten into the picture to start their crap with my fiance because of my sisters actions. So, with the wedding booked and coming in 11 months, how do I move forward with this woman that I love so much. She does not want anything to do with my parents after last nights phone call from them. They were yelling at her over the phone and she feels that I should have said something to them about it. So, she wants me to choose her or them . I don't get along with my parents because they still want to have contact with my ex even after a bitter divorce because of my kids. I need to make things right but how ?
One of the many reasons why I
One of the many reasons why I left my ex was because of his mother and two of his sisters. They were horrible to me. In fact, it was so bad that one Christmas they made my mom because they were so rotten to me. WHen I met the brother's FIL-tobe ....he looked at me and said "Wow....I don't know why they call you Plain Jane." I spend years of my left getting sick to my stomach over them, I just stopped having anything to do with them. I didn't even consider thelling him them or me. Finally, I just had ENOUGH....he is Bipolar and he was getting worse. I left. When you get involved you get a package. My ex never did anything on my behalf in controlling his mother and those sisters....maybe if he did...things would have been different. I doubt that because it wouldn't have changed hid Bipolarness. I guess what I am saying it is up to you to reun interferance between your family and fiance and respect the fact that for now she wants to keep her distance.
She has stated that she wants
She has stated that she wants to keep her distance forever. She said she has had enough with my family. She just wants peace and does not want them at the wedding . She said to choose a life with her or them . I can not have both. I never thought things would be so bad. I am shaking today and don't know what to do anymore.
"She said to choose a life
"She said to choose a life with her or them ."
-----------------------------------------------
If she's putting this in front of you & forcing you to make a choice, she's trying to control you. She expects you to stand by while her kids disrespect you & her both, yet is intolerant of your kids & your family. Someone who loves you & respects you will NOT make you choose. She is wrong. I'm not one to try to tell someone to leave a relationship, because I feel it's a choice only that person can make, but I will tell you that your fiance is NOT being fair. She is not being respectful to you or your family. Her goal is for HER to be happy...not for the two of you to be happy together. As long as you're willing to throw your family to the side & make her spoiled kids a priority over your own, she'll be happy with you. As soon as you try to be a good father to your children, she'll be throwing more ultimatums. She's being selfish. I can understand why your parents have a hard time accepting her. She's trying to force their son to cut ties with his family. She's wrong, & as long as you continue to move toward marriage with this woman, you will be moving backward.
She has had me choose what is
She has had me choose what is best for us. To get out of the line of fire and all the garbage that keeps coming our way. It is a time to be happy together. But, who can be happy with all the drama. We don't bother anyone, so, why bother with someone that is not happy for your happiness ?
Ok....I understand where she
Ok....I understand where she is coming from, because I have been there. No matter how sick those evil creatures made me there were times I took the high road and just dealt with them. Usually 7 or 8 Magaritas helped...LOL! I realized there were times that I had to suck it up and be the bigger person. The last few years I spent with him, if I saw his family twice a year it was a lot. When I did see them it was because his uncle or the sister-in-law's family where doing something. In fact the sister-in-law family felt the same way I did. Once they had something at their house...when I got there the dad said...."Can you beleive that they walked in to MY home and never said hello." That was the norm, but they had no problem when it came to complaining or just saying nasty shit about one of us. Thinking about it brings back bad memories.
The wedding....this could turn into hell on earth. If they come it can be horrible, if they don't come it can be horrible.
Can you talk to both sides and ask them to behave just for one day?
Talk to later...have to go out for a while.
It is not just about the
It is not just about the wedding, it is about life in general. She does not want anymore drama. She wants nothing to do with my parents anymore with all that has gone down from the beginning.
Dart, She said that she
Dart,
She said that she would choose me over her family if it went down to it. She says that we don't need family and friends come and go. All we need is each others support and respect.
"She said that she would
"She said that she would choose me over her family if it went down to it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
She has already shown that this isn't the case. She chooses her children over you. It shows in the way she supports them disrespecting you & your relationship. Not to mention, you respect her too much to ask her to choose. She doesn't respect you that much.
She has not let her kids
She has not let her kids disrespect me. They choose not to talk to me, well that is ok. I choose not to talk to them. There is nothing she can do about that. We are in hopes that they will turn around.
Geez Pat. Isn't it quite
Geez Pat. Isn't it quite obvious? You should not be engaged or living with her daugthers. You already have issues with SD's (to put it mildly), and you & your family aren't amicable. Sounds like too much drama already. Why are your parents mad at her & what's your part in your sister's pending court date? There's alot of pieces missing which would make this a puzzle that can't be solved. And I get that you love her. So date her until things settle down. I just see this from a step point of view & if you aren't willing to "blend" its not going to work for you, or the girls.
Yes, it is alot of drama, but
Yes, it is alot of drama, but we are still wanting to be together . You have to keep working on your relationship if you truly love someone and never let go.
Well arrow, we tryed to talk
Well arrow, we tryed to talk with them via the phone the other night only for my mother to yell and call my fiance a bitch ! So, I have written them off. She will be my wife next year and I wont deal with anyones bs . People think they have the right to do and say what they want, wrong. I wont tolerate it anymore. I dont care whom it is.
Thanks Happy, I have read on
Thanks Happy,
I have read on PAS and I use to let people walk on me. Well, where is the love and understanding when people just keep up with all the garbage ? I wont let people walk all over me I don't care whom you are. And, you won't dissrespect my fiance either. Always glad to see you here .
She said cut ties with them
She said cut ties with them or we are done. She does not want them in our life anymore,period.
Yeah, I screwed up. I told my
Yeah, I screwed up. I told my fiance that I should have grabed the phone and reemed my family out. The night started great and went to the pits in a hurry.
So what's the problem?
So what's the problem? Choose.
Sometimes you have to divorce your family.
Sometimes family sucks..
Sometimes family sucks..
I am going to call them now.
I am going to call them now. If they still disapprove, well then there is nothing to do but cut ties and hope that maybe down the road things would change. I wont hold my breathe,but sometimes family can really stink.
Yes, I agree. Family should
Yes, I agree. Family should love and respect me . I have helped them all my life and this is the thanks ? I have written them letters about my feelings with no response . So sad for families to end up this way. I use to think I was not normal for having a family like this. It is not me, but them who has the issue.
Happy., I just got off the
Happy., I just got off the phone with my fiance. She is hurt by the actions that continue from my family. She has drawn a line in the sand. She does not want to become a punching bag like they have treated me. She just wants peace. I am kind and warm,. Sometimes being a good guy sucks.
I have told her and we are
I have told her and we are suppose to go to a wedding show and a food tasting at the place we booked. I think I need a drink after today.
Thanks Happy. I am trying to
Thanks Happy. I am trying to have a good second life. It is not easy when in the past two years I have been struggling to make life work. My job,parents and sibblings , not to mention my ex , have all been problems that I have had to deal with. My job will be changing very soon. My siblings and my parents I dont deal with anymore, and my ex still plays mind games, but, I am on top of her games. I just feel sad for my kids. Someday I hope they will see through her. As long as my kids are safe and happy, that is what matters even though I dont see them much.Again, thanks for posting.
My mother actually told me
My mother actually told me that if I decide to divorce my DH, she would gladly pay my monthly bills for the next three months.
Dart, I did not emancipate
Dart,
I did not emancipate my kids. I had a change of mind. I have decided to shorten the visits untill my ex calms down with all her bitterness. Maybe when she has someone in her life, things will calm down. Now I see them twice a month.Her kids are against it because they dont want anyone sharing their mother or replacing their father. I have cut ties with my parents because things have gotten worse on thier part. They are not happy for me and have dissrespected my fiance for the last time. As far as her kids , well she has begun to crack the whip as to say . She has told the oldest to pay rent of start to clean up. The middle one has been the most problem (17). The 13 seems to be going through her changes, but so far has not been aggressive . The 13 year old still wants to go to the wedding next year. The other two still dont talk to me. I have learned to distant myself from them. Anyway thanks for posting back.
"I did not emancipate my
"I did not emancipate my kids. I had a change of mind. I have decided to shorten the visits untill my ex calms down with all her bitterness."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And as long as she's getting her way by doing so, she'll continue to be bitter. Why is it that you are the only one having to make sacrifices for this relationship? In everything I've read about your situation, it seems to me you're the doormat that your fiance is wiping her muddy feet on.
Storm, We are just wanting
Storm,
We are just wanting some peace for now. We are planning a wedding and it is suppose to be a happy time for us without the parents, ex , and bitter children making it harder than it has to be. No one is going to mess with our future period. I don't mess with them , so why mess with us ? We don't bother with them, so because they are misrible, they feel they can mess with us because we are happy together ?
What I've mentioned has come
What I've mentioned has come from Pat's previous posts. Everything he's posted has been about demands from everybody else. I'm going by what he's posting. Like you said, she's not here posting, so what he says is all anyone here has to go by. In the past his fiance has expressed that she doesn't want his kids around because of grief from his ex. Psycho BM doesn't necessarily mean step back. Sometimes it means stand up for yourself & absolutely take legal action. It's his right as a father, & it's what his children need from him so that they can have a relationship with their father.
Parents calling your partner a name. Absolutely demand respect, but he didn't. He doesn't take up for his fiance when he needs to, & she doesn't for him. Her kids were physically violent toward her. He did nothing about it. They are verbally disrespectful to him. She does nothing about it.
Allowing teens to act out & letting it slide because they're teens isn't parenting. Their mother isn't willing to choose him over her family, so what gives her the right to demand he cut ties with his???
I'm not trying to beat him down by any means. He sounds like a decent guy. He sounds like a guy who would do anything to make a woman happy, but that should never come at the expense of his happiness. Obviously it doesn't make him feel good to have her demanding he cut ties with his family. I'm not trying to hurt his feelings, but I'm not one, either, to encourage someone to marry into a situation where they are on the back burner.
In my opinion, the extremely close bond & working through things together need to come BEFORE jumping into marriage. Her giving him an ultimatum to choose is not them tackling problems together. It's her being controlling & demanding her way. And to jump into marriage simply because her biological clock is ticking & they want to have babies (which Pat has previously posted that clearly) when everything with BOTH sets of children is still a mess is the wrong reason to get married. In my opinion, they need to cope with the situations & children they already have before they bring more into it.
Again, I'm not against Pat. He sounds like he has a big heart & he wants to be happy. I'm just saying he's pushing forward into what's likely to turn out be an even uglier marriage.
Storm, To reply to your
Storm,
To reply to your post, you are correct , I am a good man. Does it mean that it makes me sad that people have come to dissrespect my fiance and me, of course it does. Yes, I should have been more proactive on protecting us. Going back and forth to court for the psycho BM and spend more thousands because I want to see my kids, why ? I am going to need that money to put them in college some day .Again, as long as they are safe and happy, that is what counts in the end. Of course I want to see them, but, I also need peace in my life. It cant be her pissing me off every week because I want to see my kids. She just called me and told me she has a conflict about picking up the kids this Sunday, so we have to wait untill two more weeks. Maybe she will get tired of having them so much. She does not encourage them to have contact with me at all. It is her sick and evil way of getting back at me. The more I show it bothers me, the more she will do it. Courts, that is a joke. I spent thousands to have a parenting plan that is not worth the paper written on. Bottom line, I am only a pay check to the courts.
Pat, I really do hope you
Pat, I really do hope you know that I see how big your heart is. I really do, & it isn't my goal to be hurtful or offensive. DH & I have had our rounds with the system as well. I'm not going to keep debating. As someone who doesn't know anything about you or your relationship aside from what you post here, I'm just giving my honest thoughts. Of course, they're yours to consider or not...to take or leave. I'm not one to just watch a really good & decent person walk into a firey pit without speaking up.
Your parents can fight their own battles with you & your fiance, but please, consider your role as a father to your children. Put yourself in their place. Consider what they will feel when they are grown, looking back with no memories of time spent with their dad...how lonely & sad that would be for them. I'm not saying that court will guarantee things working out the way you want it to, but it's so important that your kids know that they are worth fighting for & that you gave it everything you could. For them to say, "Dad, why didn't you try harder?" & you to say, "Because your mom pissed me off & I needed peace in my life" isn't going to fly with them. It's not fair to them for you or their mother to decide that they don't need you to be active in their lives.
You're right. It IS important for them to feel safe & happy. How happy would you feel if your dad walked away instead of continuing the effort to be in your life because he got tired of trying & needed peace in his life? Kids NEED their father.
Just try to look at the situation...everything about it. Consider the things your fiance is demanding you to give up. Have you made any such demands for her? Relationships & marriage MUST be joint & flexible. In your posts, I see that on your part, but not on hers. I can't say that you haven't made those demands on her. Maybe you have & just haven't written about them. I don't know. But the way you come across, I don't imagine that happening.
I've said what I needed to say. Best of luck.
I do see where you are coming
I do see where you are coming from. I am trying to be there for my kids , but, my fiance just wants peace and so do I .You do get tired of all the mind games and the email,phone calls, and stupid snail mail that we have recieved. If she decided to move or I , then what ? I will always be their father even though we live in seperate homes.I have told them over and over that I do love them, and if they want to ever talk I am always only a phone call away. I will try to be more a part of my kids, but, dealing with a nasty ex is not a easy task one bit. My fiance has never had to deal with skids or a nasty ex, or nasty in-laws. So, I do see her point.Thank you for posting .
Storm, Last night psycho BM
Storm,
Last night psycho BM left me voice mail that I could not have my kids this Sunday. So, I decided to tell my fiance that I would fight her in court and file a motion. My fiance said not on her dime because we really can't afford it because of the high cs I pay ,and because I don't have much money to give her towards bills. I told my fiance that I would do it myself without a lawyer. She said , it still causes us money and grief and she will just do it again.,no way we are doing that. So, I told her to support me on this, she replied that if I file , to get out on Monday and she wants to call off the wedding. I told her that if that is her choice, well , I will start packing this weekend. She said that I will never change , that I like all the drama and she won't put up with it anymore. I asked her again if we are done. She replied that I will never want a better life and how she should have not have gotten together with a man with kids. I am very sad, don't know where to go because I really can't afford anything , and there is no room at parents and they are angry at us. So, by Monday I will be homeless.
Pat, Do your parents not have
Pat,
Do your parents not have a couch you can sleep on until you get things in order for yourself? If not, a friend must have one. I don't understand how this woman can figure your life would be better without your children...especially given the fact that she, herself, won't part with hers. Even with things being difficult for you now, it's in the best interest of your children. Every child deserves a relationship with their mother & their father. Your children need you. Obviously, BM doesn't have your children's best interest in her heart, or else she wouldn't be trying to push you out. Your kids need you to fight for them.
If your fiance is willing to put you out with no warning because you want a relationship with your children, she's selfish. She's not about the two of you being happy together. She's all about her & her children being happy with you at their disposal. I'm so sorry you're sad, but if you do this for your kids, you'll have relationships that no amount of money could buy.
Storm, We have talked it out
Storm,
We have talked it out and have decided that for me to force psycho BM to take them out of their activities and force them to come with me would be a mistake. It would only make my kids resent me because they would be kicked out of their games and practice .I believe that if the kids want to come then ,they will come . If not ,as long as they are happy that is what counts.We are going to try to go to their games and practice and hope psycho BM will stay on her side of the field.
How old are your kids?
How old are your kids?
8 and 10
8 and 10
My heart truly goes out to
My heart truly goes out to your kids, Pat. They're going to grow up without a father because you won't stand up to their mother or to your fiance for them. You're stepping aside & allowing your ex to manipulate them to believe they don't need you. Of course, you're taking the easy road, & leaving your kids behind so you can start fresh & make a new family with a woman who can't respect the man in you wanting to be there for the kids you already have.
THEIR happiness is what counts. I'm sure when your kids are grown & are faced with choices & challenges & are struggling with who to turn to, they'll appreciate the fact that you refused to be a father because it was challenging. I'm sure they'll look up to you for the choice you made to walk away. They'll be truly happy because, after all, they didn't have to miss games or practices. That's what will really matter in their lives...
I'm not saying that a parent who loves their children will grant every wish & desire, but there's a lot to be said for a man who truly WANTS to be in their child's life & will make a real effort to do so. Of course, many BM's make that difficult, but in my opinion, even if it doesn't work out a child is worth making the effort, & every child deserves to feel so loved. Actions speak volumes for character.
Best of luck.
Storm, It is not a easy
Storm,
It is not a easy choice that I have to make. I don't have the moneies to battle psycho BM ,and my F wont fiance the court battles. So, what choice do I have? My parents are very poor and so are my siblings . To pull them out of games with their freinds will only have resentment towards me. They know that they can pick up the phone if they need me. Even if I went to court, I can change the Pas that BM has. She has plenty of money to battle and has proven it through our divorce. As long as I pay CS and my kids are heathy and happy for now, that is what counts. When they get older and can drive , then they can have a better relationship because they won't have to rely on BM to take them to see me.
This will be my last remark
This will be my last remark here, because I feel I've made my opinions clear. If you can't pay a lawyer to go to court, go without one. At least it will be an effort on your part. I GUARANTEE you that the longer you are distant from them, the harder it will be for them to pick up the phone to call you. Why would they? They can't count on you to be there for them now. They won't count on you to be there for them later. The longer you are distant from them, the easier it will be for BM to alienate them. By the time they're old enough to drive, you will have NO relationship with them because you weren't willing to at least make the effort you could have made.
Take BM to court, even if she has a lawyer & you don't. Take her for contempt. Your kids are old enough to know that at least an effort is being made. They are also old enough to understand that you walking away from them for a woman who doesn't support you having a relationship with them & starting a new family. They will know you are taking the easy way out & that you are making choices based on YOUR best interest. Your using your ex & your fiance as scapegoats. Tell your fiance that you being a father means you'll make an effort to be in your children's lives. If she can't support you in being a father to the kids you already have, how do you figure she'll support your role as a father to the kids you plan to have with her? Only hers are worthy??? If you don't feel like your kids are worth standing up to these women, just say so. Don't blame your choice to not be a father to your children on other people. Only you can decide whether or not your kids are worth it to you.
Happy, things are really bad.
Happy, things are really bad. I am in hopes that you are here today. Last night was a huge fight and I will be homeless on Monday. My psycho BM told me that I could not have my kids this Sunday. I am so sick of not seeing my kids, so I told my fiance that I was going to fight her in court. My fiance said not on her dime because I already send most of my check to CS. I told her to support me on this. She said no way , and to pack up and leave on Monday ,because we are done ! I am so sad. I went from a 4 bedroom house , to being homeless at 45 years old. I can't go to my family because there is no room there, and my siblings live with there families and we don't talk to each other. Friends all are married with kids, so that leaves me homeless.
Happy, I feel that you know
Happy,
I feel that you know me some how.You hit the mark with every word. Yes ,I wish things were better, but, I now live a life as a divorced father . I am just trying to make a new life at 45 years old . Yes, my kids will only do as the evil BM says. Do I hate it, of coarse. In the end, with court and lawyers, will that change? Not without the BM changing her attitude and ways. Will that ever happen, no. She is a narsist and they will always think in only one way. Thanks again for posting. Your voice does help .
My connection failed, so I'm
My connection failed, so I'm not sure if my post went through. Sorry for the repeat if that is the case! However, I can help you with this. Almost exactly a year ago, my fiance and I underwent an eye-opening moment in our relationship, and my mother, sister and her husband got involved and practically came between us. We had an amazing relationship, and they managed to throw a stick between the spokes. My fiance could see right through this and confronted me with how I allowed my family to come between us. It was true, I got it. When we decided to mend our relationship, we did it ourselves and without involving each other's families. We sought councelling and this just strengthened our relationship.
When you decide to spend your life with somebody, nobody else's input should have bearing on your relationship. What you decide is between you and your wife-to-be.
At this point, my family is on the need-to-know basis and my fiance and I are back to the relationship we had before the event, but it is stronger than before as well.
Hope this helped
Maybe we need counseling to
Maybe we need counseling to help us. Things are really rocky now.
Hi Pat, On the subject of
Hi Pat,
On the subject of grandkids, I've said this many times before. I think your parents do what they do solely so they can see their grandkids. I don't think they're doing it to be in cahoots with BM. When we had EOW, my inlaws had contact with BM solely so they could see their grandkids more often. They certainly didn't do it to interact with BM. Grandparents tend to love & spoil grandkids
Do they live near the kids?
About 40 minutes away. The
About 40 minutes away. The point is I told them that I would bring them to them, but they snuck behind my back and did it anyway.Total dissrespect for my feelings. That is why I am angry and hurt by this.