Think I am done
So I want to make this long, convoluted story as concise as possible.
Many years ago, dh and his best friend's then fiancé (now wife) had some kind of weekend full of inappropriate behavior that he admits was infidelity, but not actual sex while friend was out of town. He feels horrible about this, friend doesn't know. Let's call her Rose and her husband Rob.
Then several years ago while dh was married to bm (and Rose to Rob), Rose & dh arranged for him to hook up with a friend of hers when she went to visit them (they live in another state). It didn't work out, but was ridiculously inappropriate nonetheless.
A year or so ago dh and I had a big disagreement because he was texting and emailing Rose, although nothing was overtly inappropriate about the text messages, I felt that under the circumstances it was not appropriate. I have no problem with him having friendships with other women- even exes, where no boundaries were ever crossed. But these two have crossed boundaries at least twice that I know of and while in committed relationships. I did say I was okay with them having contact as long as he told me about every text, email, etc and I was present for any phone conversation.
Then a few months later, he deleted a dozen texts between them, which he says were innocent but he just didn't want me to be mad that they were texting. We came to an understanding and agreement and worked through it in therapy.
We have been having some rocky times lately and had a big blow out last week- partly because I just found out that while we were in therapy he told BM we were in therapy. Even though one of our issues over the years has been him oversharing with bm.
So... last night...
Dh gets a couple of texts messages from Rose. Just "Dh are you there?" He tells me, but says he isn't going to respond. I said I would prefer if he did and we could find out what she wanted. So he says "Yeah, what's up?"
She responds "Rob just told me some of what's been going on with you. Are you splitting up?"
I calmly asked him what that was about and he said last week when we had our blow up, Rob had called and he talked to him because he was upset (They talk a few times a year, if that).
I typed a response to her "I don't know. What did Rob tell you?" But he didn't want me to send it, so I didn't, but told him if he didn't send it and I didn't get to know what *she* knows about *my* marriage, then we had NOTHING to talk about so to get out of my bedroom and stay away from me.
He walked out, then came back in at bedtime. I handed him his pillows and told him to get out.
I think I am truly finished. He just doesn't get it. And it is that he doesn't get it that bugs me as much as what he did.
I feel betrayed and like he will always do this. He doesn't get why it would bother me that BM and ROSE of all freaking people know about my marriage problems when even my mom doesn't.
And with all the stepfamily bs (we are in middle of what appears will be a long and expensive custody battle) it just isn't worth it.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry! I
Oh honey, I'm so sorry! I remember when "Rose" was an issue before (on the other forums), and I know how much that hurt you at the time. I think (and thought then!) that given his clear lack of boundaries he should have zero contact with Rose. I cannot believe your DH STILL doesn't understand why he's wrong. I suspect all he sees is that he's talking about *himself* - but he's totally forgotten that he's talking about you, too, and it's incredibly selfish of him.
HUGE hugs, I'm sorry you're dealing with this issue again!
Past behavior is an indicator
Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. If he didn't get inappropriate conversations/relationships in the past, doesn't get it now, there's a certain guarantee he will still be doing it in the future. You've already indicated you have your answer - you are finished. Seems to make sense to me. He sounds like an immature boy who likes to "play" in other sandboxes - whether it's physical or emotional. In either case, it's not behavior that a mature man should be exhibiting especially when married. Especially when he has friends like "Rose" who are more than willing to play in the sand with him, or find friends who will.
Wow, sorry to hear that
Wow, sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. You have a right to be angry, especially since it seems like he talks more with Rose than he does with his friend Rob, which isn't acceptable.
To be honest here, seems like your DH is just a shady person. I mean, we all make mistakes. It's one thing to be single and have an affair with some unknown person's woman, but to do that to somebody who's supposed to be your FRIEND? That's just not cool at all, and it seems like your DH has no self-control at all. Now if he told his friend Rob, who then in turn told Rose....then that's not really his fault. Even guys sometimes need people to vent to when things aren't going well in a relationship.
But if I didn't know any better, seems like he's probably closer to Rose than he is to Rob, and probably has been telling your business to her anyway. Also telling the BM about your problems also is a violation of trust. It may take you moving out for a short period of time for him to finally "get it". But even if you do move out, I have a feeling that Rose will be the one comforting him.
I think you are done too. Go
I think you are done too. Go with your gut. Bottom line, you can't trust him and he's telling all his ex's your biz and you know about it, heck no! that is too messy. DH wants to do whatever he wants to do and have his cake and eat it too.
Just to clarify, he told Rob,
Just to clarify, he told Rob, the husband about our recent fight, which Rob told to Rose. Dh did not directly talk to her.
He rarely talks to Rob, if he needed to spout off to someone, he has plenty of friends he could talk to without muddying things up by picking Rob, when we already have issues in our relationship because of his friendship with Rob and Rose.
He has never told anyone about the weekend with Rose- none of their mutual friends, etc. I asked if Rob would still want to be friends with him if he knew? Would Rob be okay with dh & Rose talking & texting- of course not he said... but *I* am supposed to be okay with it.
So, anyhow- in this last incident- he did not directly talk to Rose about our problems. But had she texted today while I am at work instead of last night when I saw it... where would that conversation have gone? Eventually to his trash I assume!
I think this is just a straw, you know? I feel actually pretty comfortable with the thought of leaving. I have felt that way for a while. I *like* dh. I love him. I enjoy time we spend together, in between the stupid stuff he does. I just don't think I want to keep dealing with the stupid stuff.
Of course he didn't tell any
Of course he didn't tell any of his friends about what happened. His other guy friends would be pissed off, and they also wouldn't trust him around their girlfriends and spouses.
The real question here is if he rarely talks to Rob, why is he texting Rose? Also what's concerning here is that he's deleting text messages. If you have to delete text messages, that's a BAD sign, especially if you're deleting them from someone that he already knows you have a problem with.
It may be a dirty tactic, but if it were me I'd get Rob's number out of his phone and threaten to tell Rob what happened if he doesn't cut off communication with Rose.
There is absolutely no way in
There is absolutely no way in HELL that my DH would have the luxury of ANY continued contact with a woman he already admitted to "infidelity" with.
If he can't see the inappropriateness of this, you need to consider if this is something that you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life/marriage.
My take on this ~ obviously
My take on this ~ obviously that relationship is something that is not kosher in your eyes ~ along with many on this thread. She is not his soft place to fall ~ we don't live in the Woodstock era would that relationship would be acceptable.
I completely get your reasoning ~ I have been in a similar situation ~ my hubby felt that I strayed which I didn't n never would have. I was too busy raising our 2 small children and working full time. He went to a bar ~ a friended a shrew who dismantled my marriage piece by piece. All in front of my eyes ~ I would rub my eyes in utter shock of her repeated actions all along my hubby was gas lighting me. Drove me crazy ~ felt like I needed a rubber room n a straight jacket. She was evil ; he met her at a bar n she soon after stalked me on AOL chat room n friended me ~ meanwhile she knew everything about me. I was in a chat room about grieving a miscarriage ~ she stretched truths for her own personal gain. I ultimately became pregnant again n I was having complications n was explaining them to my "new" friend ~ she urged me for my phone number to discuss. I would never forget that voice ~ hubby acquired a babysitter for the 3 children n I soon put together that my stalker n babysitter were one in the same. They conjured up divorce papers together ~ she put voice activating devices in my sons power wheels car n the box spring of my bed. This woman was every part of evil imaginable.
All I can say is ~ from my experience ~ having your man turn to someone other than his wife is ruthless. Maybe I am the extreme but keep your eyes wide open.
It sounds like your DH and
It sounds like your DH and Rose have an unresolved sexual attraction to each other and she is just waiting for him to give her the green light to get it resolved.
Neither one of them seem to know the meaning of boundaries or commitment.