You are here

Things that really hurt me

SC's picture

Submitted by SC on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 1:16pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

Ok, there are many great things about my fiance, but these are the things that really, really hurt me...

* After I spent the entire day taking pictures of my two children (ages 3 and 9) and his daughter (6 yrs) TOGETHER on vacation, he stepped in with his camera and asked my children to step aside so he could get a picture of his daughter (alone). We spoke about this and I told him it hurt me terribly. He apologized, but did it AGAIN at Christmas! This time, he didn't ask my children to step aside, but after I took about 10 photos of the children together, he came over and snapped pictures of his daughter alone. I asked why he didn't want any of the children together. He got angry and said he DID have pictures of them together. When I asked him to show me, there were none, of course. He said, "Well, I THOUGHT I had pictures of them together."

* When his parents came down to visit, they stayed with my fiance's ex-wife.

*When my children and I got together with his family (parents, sister/bil, brother/sil and their children), my children and I had to step aside and watch as they took family photos together. It made me feel we'll never be a "real family". The kicker is that when my family gets together, we include my fiance and his daughter in our photos.

* He thinks the world revolves around his daughter, to the point that when friends come to visit him, he uses language such as, "Oh, my friend will be so excited to see _________! He won't believe how much she's grown!" (What 30-something man is SO excited to see a chid? Don't most people say, "I can't wait for my friend to see ________!")

*When I expressed my fears about problems in a stepfamily (mostly because of my fiance's obsession with his daughter), he said, "I want to be married! I want a companion!" I said, "But why do we have to be married? I AM your companion." He said, "Yes, you are my companion...and so is ______! (his daughter)" He expressed this thought with such joy and pride. Yuck! This is exactly why I'm afraid to marry him. I hope he and his daughter live happily ever after.

I love my fiance, but just can't imagine living a life where I feel so left out and sad so often.

Denial's picture

Submitted by Denial on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 1:24pm

SC,

Please think long and hard before you make any permanent changes in your life with this man. I am not trying to be negative, but I doubt it will ever change.

All of the children should be included. If he is making a differentiation - the kids will notice and not only will you have issues with them getting along, it will also affect your marriage.

In my case, this differentiation has carried over into the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Its not a good place for anyone to be.

I wish you well.

ChaiLatte's picture

Submitted by ChaiLatte on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 1:47pm

This man is waving many red flags SC.

If this man truly is obsessed with his daughter, the more you try to get him to see his behavior is unhealthy the more defensive he is going to get. This will lead to him resenting you, and the obsession only intensifying. People who are obsessed with their children don't become less obsessed with time. Trying to get him to change is a losing battle. If you cannot accept how he feels, this is probably not the situation for you and your daughters.

Also, a six year old is not an adults companion, to be compared to the relationship a man has with his gf. Hearing this would disturb me as well.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 1:48pm

I'm so sorry SC, I would be very hurt too. I agree with 1life.... you have some thinking to do....

Constantly_guilty's picture

Submitted by Constantly_guilty on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 1:52pm

Oh SC, Crayon once coined the term (I think this is it) adult spousal syndrome. Basically it's when the adult confers the status of an equal spouse on the child rather than the actual spouse. This sounds like what your FH is doing and it is a giant warning sign.

I've said this before on this site and I'm sure I will say it again, my mother taught me that the parents are the sun and the children are the planets that orbit the sun. In order for the whole family to be healthy and happy, the children must know their place and the parents must have a happy, healthy relationship. It is GOOD for children when they see a healthy functioning relationship and in the long run all children, including steps will be better of for it. He is making her an equal in your relationship and she is not. Unless he can recognize the problem here and fix it, you should think carefully before you marry this man.

Here if you need me,
C_G

SC's picture

Submitted by SC on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 2:30pm

I know you all are right and really appreciate the input. Deep down, I've known for awhile that I just wouldn't be happy being married to him. I even went to counseling and my counselor said the most important thing she noticed was that I wasn't expressing excitement at sharing a life together. That is very telling.

How do I break it off, though? Right now, he's my best friend. He's the one I call at the end of the day, if you know what I mean.
SC

ChaiLatte's picture

Submitted by ChaiLatte on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 2:50pm

I think you should be honest with him. While you're together you have to sugar coat what you say for the sake of their feelings. You shouldn't sugar coat things if you need to end it because then he'll never learn from his mistakes. You don't want him to walk away from this pointing fingers at you, as if his behavior did not contribute to the breakup. Don't let him convince you or himself that he was innocently and admirably trying to be a good dad and you just wouldn't let him.

The last time I spoke with my Ex H, I told him he should be with someone who respects the way he is raising his child. He needed to be with someone who would understand being obsessed with his child, and feel the same way. That wasn't me, and never would be so neither of us were ever going to be happy.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

Denial's picture

Submitted by Denial on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 2:40pm

My DH has been my best friend for 24 years - we've only been married for 2. If I knew then, what I know now - that might not be the case.

I would sit him down and tell him he's your best friend and how you feel about him. Be honest with your feelings and tell him why you have reservations and why you are rethinking a lifetime with him.

Maybe that'll be enough to spin his head around, maybe not. You have to listen to your gut, not your heart. You don't want to wake up 20 years from now with time you'll never get back and so much heartache you can't even see the sun.

Kelly32's picture

Submitted by Kelly32 on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 4:30pm

SC, please think long and hard. I have 2 SC and the SD has turned into a living nightmare. I met her when she was 8 years old - she was lovely for the early years, but the past 2 have been just awful and I find myself wishing that I had never married her father. She is making my life hell and is trying to rip the family apart at the moment. I remember being "warned" about looking after somebody elses children before I married my husband, but I'm afraid I foolisly believed that all families were like The Waltons and couldn't imagine ever having problems. I think you may find it very difficult after you've been married a while - you intended is already showing warning signs (I didn't even have those before we married) - believe me, it will get worse. Sorry to be so negative, but I'm speaking from a similar experience.