They can't have my dignity too revised
I have been married for 3 years and with my husband for almost 6. My step kids are 9 and 10 now. In the beginning I was totally disregarded and disrespected by his ex. She crossed boundaries and made it point to let me know that she was still in control. I fault him for allowing her to be overly involved in our lives but before marriage I had made it very clear to him what the boundaries were. I would never be her friend but I would be cordial. It's hard to be a friend of someone who is on a mission to get her ex back. I did a lot for the kids because neither he nor she was financially stable. I didn't mind and didn't ask for anything in return other than respect. Somewhere before marriage they decided that financially it would be best if he signed over his rights and allowed her father to adopt the girls. Their mother has an illness that could possibly disable her at any moment and my husband was in such a bad place financially that he couldn't offer much assistance. She knew his financial situation because she helped him get into his mess so it was more of a sympathy thing than making him pay child support.
Where we are now? I honestly don't like the woman. I don't desire to have a friendship with her and I don't mind being invisible. She is still crossing boundaries and the last major incident was about 2 months ago when she text my husband with some foolishness unrelated to the children. I confronted her about it and she read me my rights saying that her husband was sitting right there when she sent the message. Lies! By the way she married my husbands friend. I told her to respect my boundaries. She said her and her husband was laughing about something and decided to tell my husband about it.
Cont....If that's the case
Cont....If that's the case why are they insisting that I participate or approve of their shenanigans? Am I wrong for not wanting to? I don't trust her motives. At this point she has forbidden him to have the kids around me. I love the girls and would never speak bad about their mom in their presence or hurt them. They love me too. After all of these years I made a bad decision. I talked about our situation to a mutual associate who went back and told the ex. She immediately called my husband and for the last few days I felt that something wasn't right with him. Finally yesterday he spilled the beans. Yes I did talk about her. Yes it was all true but I shouldn't have discussed her with the person. I'm human I made a bad choice but I'm not sorry for telling the truth. Subconsciously I think I did it because I'm sick of being the villain. My husband is insisting that I call her and plead my case. What about my dignity? She has never apologized to me for anything and I don't desire one. Why can't we just be non factors and do what we do for the kids? I won't apologize cause I'm not sorry. Why do I have to be the sacrificial lamb? He signed over his rights and now I am expected to kiss ass to fix his problem. He says I'm making him choose between me and his kids. No I'm not! She is! If he had rights it wouldn't matter if we got along or not. He asked me how can we grow old together and he can't see his kids? Grow some balls and stop making me the scapegoat sounds like a plan.
You are not making him choose
You are not making him choose between you and his kids.
You are making him choose between you and BM.
He should be telling her to apologize to you for texting your husband. I wonder how that would go over??
He wouldn't dare!
He wouldn't dare!
Exactly, you need to ask him
Exactly, you need to ask him why it's okay for him to ask you to apologize but not her. Make him think about your relationship and why it's not okay for him to cater to her.
This isn't about the kids, this is about him not wanting to upset her. Again it's okay to upset you but not her. Ask him to think about that.
Do not feel bad for talking
Do not feel bad for talking to someone...Hell if I didn't do that I may do something really stupid like going off on BM. You do what you need to do. BUT do not apologize for that. Too bad. If he had boundaries with BM you wouldn't be so frustrated. He is in the wrong.
I have sacrificed enough.
I have sacrificed enough. Husband and exwife are mad because I exposed some truths that they both didn't want to face to someone who I knew had a whole different story. I'm sick of the lies, the pretending and the BS. Why does that even matter to me? Because its all about trust and character. Its now established that I'm a gossiper. She's a lying cheater. He's a pretender and the truth hurts so much he would rather live a lie. It matters cause I am expected to play this stupid game and I'm so over it. I guess at this point I have to do what's right for me and that is holding on to the little piece of me that says, "You have done enough. You have tried enough. You are good enough to stand by the choices you've made, regardless of who's feelings are hurt." I asked this morning but I've made my decision now.
I owe her nothing. He owes her. I don't have to play by her rules. He does. He signed his rights away, because "they" thought it was a good idea. I didn't. Calling her won't end well because I lack the self disciple (my mouth) that it takes to fake with her. When I look at the girls I see my husband, not their mom. I love them because they are his. She flatters herself, insisting that I hate here so much that I may mistreat them. I've done the right thing with her many times only to end up sabotaged. She won't stop unitl she sees us divorced over her. Let's see if my husband is foolishness enough to go for it. Tears for now but joy comes in the morning and trouble doesn't last always.
I would call the BM and do
I would call the BM and do just as your husband has asked; tell her how sorry you are for all the things she is
But on a serious note, I don't think you're going to find anyone on here is going to tell you anything other than "no one has the right to tell you who you should or must get along with". Not your husband, and most certainly not with his ex-wife. Gimme a BREAK !
If she is going to keep his kids from him, because you won't apologize to her, than so be it ! Eventually, the girls are going to make their own demands to see their dad, and shame on her if she doesn't accommodate them, but bottom line, that's not on you. Frankly, if she has no less rights to the children than he does, then nothing ANYONE does will give either of them the right to deny access to the kids. She has no more say than HE does at this point. Shoulda, coulda, woulda about whether you saying anything about her behind her back was called for or necessary. People do shit like that all the time, and quite honestly, if everything you said was true, then maybe it's about time she realized that you're not intimidated by her.
You're not sick of being the villain, you're sick of being the doormat, and kudos for standing up for yourself !
LOL ^^^ agree with
LOL ^^^ agree with stepmeanie.
OP, good for you not letting him use you as a scapegoat. They all try it when they've screwed up in the parenting department. "You're putting me in the middle and making me choose!" Hogwash.
Throw the ball right back at him... every idiotic mistake. The financial problems. The poor choices. Letting his ex control him. Choosing a lame BM in the first place. If he loses out on being in his kid's life it is because of his and BM's choices. AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO HER... you *might* want to apologize to DH for bringing another person into your relationship problems, but don't ever say you're sorry to an entitled BM.
Good for you! I would love
Good for you! I would love to tell the BM of my steps exactly how I feel and trust me I have confided my feelings to many. She causes so much stress in my life and she and the skids are the only reasons for any battles that we have. You feel the way that you feel, nothing wrong with that.
Honey, you are caught in a
Honey, you are caught in a nasty trap. Legally he has no rights to his daughters because he signed that all away to his ex FIL. Simple as that. And all the pretending in the world doesn't take away those legal ties. HE is not responsible for them, ex-FIL is.
What kind of whacked-out people sign away their children because BM "may' become an invalid at any time (and I doubt she even signed the paperwork) and DH felt he 'wasn't in a good place'.
Tell your DH that you love him with his children or without. However his relationship with the kids is just that... his. Not yours and not BMs. And if they weave a web of lies about their family eventually someone will walk through that web and expose it for all it is.
Be strong.
The more I think about this
The more I think about this the more I realize why DH is so pissed. He always tries to make his time with the girls fun. They can't just come over and be at home. It has to be entertainment and other kids to play with. If not they pout and express boredom. All this to say....he expects me to help him with them because he doesn't want to have to do it alone. Honestly, I don't really enjoy it but I do it for them. I'm not their mom so I don't have that emotional maternal instinct. I didn't bond with them at birth. It's too much work to see them on his own. When they come here I have to help plan the grocery store run, clean up, feed, entertain, oversee......ect. He has to exert energy and leave the house. He can't duck off in the room to watch tv. He has to interact with them the whole time. I don't since BM has forbidden him to bring them here. DH has mentioned how can we grow old together if he can't see his kids. Lol seriously? I told him he can see his kids and asked was that some type of ultimatum. Im the one who is banned. He is free to see them as much as he wants. Idle threats don't scare me. He is free to leave and be with his kids. I'm lmao.....he's mad cause I'm free from his burden. Thanks BM!!!!! Talking about looking on the bright side! I do love the girls but I won't die without them. It's not my nature to need that type of attention to survive.
What a screwy family,
What a screwy family, technically your DH doesn't have kids since he signed them away. I'd sign DH back over to BM and her new hubby. Let them all live together and be chummy. The only thing that should be growing old is the ridiculous situation.
This situation has been a
This situation has been a turning point in my life and anyone who doesn't like it can excuse themselves from my life. Out of sight out of mind. I've already told him that he if free to leave and choose his children since he wants to make this about choices. If all of the things Virgin Mary (BM) has done towards me were with good intentions then she wouldn't retaliate by trying to cut me out of the picture by using the kids. A long time ago she would have came to me and made it clear that she is not the enemy but does everything out of love and respect. Instead she plays the victim everytime I put her back in her place for crossing my boundaries. My exact words to DH was "I advise you to get your f'in mind right before you end up right where your ex wants you. Alone, unhappy, blue balls, crying on her shoulder and searching for a new woman who will put up with you all's Bullsh*t." By the way, she once left him for another man and when he moved on they claimed their friendship never ceased. When her relationship didn't work out she picked DH like and old dirty rag, dusted him off, married him, got two kids back to back and sat him out on the curb once again. I saw the trash and since I'm a reburisher, I picked him up. I shouldn't have married potential. He wasn't literal trash but he was broken and I took on the responsibility of fixing him. Now I don't need to be reprimanded for doing that. I realize my mistake and I can live with that. I know where I went wrong. DH ha allowed this one issue to overshadow all of the good in our relationship. It's a problem that I don't have a problem with. Everyone is in for a surprise. The script has changed and for his sake I hope he understands now that just because he's cleaned up with me doesn't mean I won't sit him back out on the curb. If he chooses to keep making this an issue come garbage day he's gonna be looking crazy. No one has to like it but they will respect it!
Atta girl ! I'm loving come
Atta girl !
I'm loving come back in here over and over again, finding you stronger and stronger from one time to the next.
You're gaining clarity and perspective, and if just airing your feelings and venting with us has given that to you, then we couldn't be happier for you !
Make sure you keep us all posted on any new developments.
Good luck sweets !
Ditto. ^^^
Ditto. ^^^
Update....so my DH left me
Update....so my DH left me saying that we don't share the same family values and because I was born into a dysfunction
Jehovah's Witness family (they disowned me) he cannot allow me to destroy his.
Since he left I've disconnect from FB because I no longer want to be apart of his world. I've realized that our relationship had me in bondage. It was onsided and although he was a nice companion (at times) he brought nothing to my life except a whole bunch of drama and people that I could care less about.
My blood pressure went really high due to stress , so I'm on three meds for anxiety. Yes, I know he is not worth it however my therapist knows me well and she also knows I suffer from anxiety and ADD, which was a problem before this incident. I pray that once this is over, I will feel better and won't have these symptoms due to the stress that I have been under. I'm not sad....there is a whole world out there just waiting for me to explore. He can have his kids, his family, his friends and that gorilla of an ex wife. Some would say I let her win and she destroyed my marriage but I say she helped delivered me from this hellish marriage. Once again thanks BM....Romans 8:28.
I am sorry your marriage is
I am sorry your marriage is ending but it sounds like it might be the best for you and your health.
Talk about dysfunction, what a mess they are!
Although my heart tells me
Although my heart tells me I'm in a better place, I'm still angry that I suffered all of that time
for her to feel accomplished. I know what she's been doing to me all of this time and the thought of her even feeling like she won makes me livid. I want that thought to go away but it's like a tape playing over and over in my mind. How do I stop it?
First of all, you are the one
First of all, you are the one who has really won because you now get to be free of this. And remember, this is really on your DH, not BM.
It might feel like she won and that it was her actions that caused this but your DH has allowed all of this, he is the responsible party. She just helped bring to the forefront what kind of a man your DH is. She has won nor accomplished nothing.
You have to let go of the time you have spent on this relationship. Not easy, I know but it will drive you crazy if you don't, and staying angry is not going to help your physical or mental health. Maybe think of what you have learned from this and how it has made you stronger, something positive to negate some of that anger. Or maybe this happened to show you something about how to proceed in future relationships. My DH always says that everything happens for a reason.
Get a new tape, one that says, "I am the winner, here, and thank God I don't have to waste one more minute in that dysfunction!" They did you a favor because you probably would have kept trying and wasted even more of your life.
Thank u so much...I'm going
Thank u so much...I'm going to try really really hard to let go of the anger. I really appreciate all that you said.