Thank you for not thinking I'm some horrible monster. Because I feel like a monster, you know, for not liking this girl. I purposely never dated men with children because I know I want to be the most important person in my mate's life. This is the first guy with a kid I've taken a chance on. Now I see I'm just not cut out for it, but I truly did try.

Does he know any stepparents? No, I don't think so. This guy is 35 and has been incarcerated since he was 18 (drug charges- guess it runs in the family). There is a lot he doesn't know about the real world because he never got to experience adult relationships or really have to live in reality. I hate myself for being able to overlook his prior criminal activity but not being able to overlook his kid. She's just terrible. I am ashamed to admit this but a few nights ago I got a bit tipsy and called her phone pretending to be a wrong number. Morbid curiosity on my part I guess. This little twat sounded high as a kite when she answered and told me (the wrong number) that I sound like I'm "fucking retarded." Who says that? Who is so goddamn hateful that they curse out a wrong number? That's when I knew- I can't.

His argument is that because he never got to know his daughter, she will be 17 when he comes home in 13 months, and she doesn't even live in the same state, that I should be able to overlook her. The thing is, I know better. I realize that when you commit to someone you're taking on their baggage, too. She will ALWAYS be his daughter and she will ALWAYS come first- regardless of when he says he'll love our future kid more than her (and what kind of father even says that?!). He desperately wants a relationship with her and she wants nothing to do with him. Her step-father died six months ago and she's on social media proclaiming how much she misses her Daddy, RIP Daddy, she'd give anything to hear her Daddy's voice but he's in heaven now- yet when her biological father calls her she rushes him off the phone to go hang out with her friends. And you know what, I get that, I understand that she never got to know my now ex and in her mind he's of little use to her. It just kills me that I love this man more than she ever will, yet he'll put her before me every time. I can't even look at him because when I see her name and year of birth and portrait of her face tattooed on him it literally makes me throw up. I shouldn't be vomiting when I look at the man I love, but that's how much this whole situation disgusts me.

My mother has tried to convince me that I need to get over it, because at my age it will be increasingly more difficult to find a man without children and if this guy is good to me (and he truly is wonderful) I should learn to live with it. She says his daughter will probably want nothing to do with him when he gets home and she's almost an adult anyway so it's really a non-issue. But what about when he wants to go visit her on her birthday and asks for me to pay for his plane ticket? What about when she wants to come visit on holidays and expects to stay under my roof? What if God forbid he and I had a child and my kid would want to know his half-sister? Those are the things that I just can't ignore, though my mother tells me I should. Then my father tells me he'll never love me as much as he loves his daughter and I need to end it.

I emailed the guy yesterday, basically saying "fuck you" for thinking my feelings are abnormal and sent him about two pages worth of quotes from women who hate stepmotherhood and feel the exact same way I do. I guess I just need validation, I don't even know.

So interesting new development, I hadn't heard from the guy since I broke things off with him over the phone on Tuesday. I sent him an email a couple of days ago explaining that not wanting to be a step-mom is totally valid and okay, but he didn't reply. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again. I mean, if I had a kid, I know I certainly would never be with a guy who couldn't accept him/her. Then this morning I woke up to an email from him which stated:

"when you are ready to talk like a grown up, put some money on the phone... if we can't talk like that then we are not talking... you say my daughter is a horrible person.... wow... never heard any one talk about a teenage girl like that.... especially a girl that they don't even know... very judgmentle... you act like you are a perfect person...."

To which my first thought was, wtf? This girl DOES exhibit horrible behavior (and illegal behavior at that) and I'm in the wrong for calling it as I see it? I don't have to know her personally to see how she curses at people and calls them bitches and hos on social media. I don't have to know her personally to watch the videos of her smoking marijuana, which is not legal in her state and certainly not for a minor. I don't have to know her personally to know that telling her mom she hates her is a horrible thing to say.

You know what I realized? No matter what I say or do, no matter what she says or does, it's not going to change his feelings. I know he's always going to love his daughter, but the fact that he makes excuse after excuse for her sorry behavior, that's the part I resent the most. I mean, why would I even want to consider having kids with a man who is clearly such an inept parent? He doesn't see all these things about her because he's locked up with no internet access so he's not reading all the hateful and racist vitriol that comes out of her mouth. And when he's home and can read it for himself? It probably wouldn't change anything anyway.

I initially came on here trying to figure out a way to work through my feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy and insecurity because I thought I was the problem. Now I'm not so sure. Is this fixable?

Lol Cat, thank you for your honesty. For some reason, reading that actually put a smile on my face Why was I in a relationship with a convict? It was honestly just meant to be a pen pal thing. I was planning on heading down to Mexico and doing a five year working tour of Central America once my lease is up at the end of the year. I was feeling a little lonely (I'm living 2,000 miles away from my home city and all my friends/family) but I thought it would be silly to meet someone in my current city if I'm just going to leave in a few months, anyway. I thought a pen pal would be a great way to have someone to talk with and share things with, and prisoners actually do make the best pen pals in terms of being consistent with writing over a long period of time. It was JUST supposed to be platonic with this guy, a way to pass the time before starting my Central America adventure, but then we got to know each other and caught feelings.

Yep, I graduated high school in just three years, graduated magna cum laude with my BA when I was 20, I've been self employed for years and currently successfully pursuing my dream of being a full time published writer. I'm not a stupid girl at all and have accomplished a lot in my own life. I can say that my family wasn't so great and pretty much all of my male relatives have been arrested and served time. I have a couple of uncles who served long bids for drug dealing; my great-grandfather, great-uncle, and father have all been convicted and served time for attempted murder. And all of those men have been wonderful to me and would never hurt a hair on my head, even though they have this stigma that they must be horrible because they did time. I guess with my family background I am more likely to overlook someone with a conviction because I see examples in my own family of men who have done bad things but still treat me very well regardless. I hope that makes sense and explains why I don't necessarily see all felons as unworthy relationship partners. Certain crimes, sure- I know I could never be with someone who did something violent or did anything to a child. But in comparison to what my own father has done, a man who would jump in front of a bullet for me, my boyfriend trafficking some drugs seems so minor in comparison it became a non-issue for me.

Yes, my mother actually told me flat out that I need to get over my feelings about his daughter and be with him. My mother is the type who constantly needs at least one man in her life, she's always been that way, so I guess maybe she was projecting her own insecurities on to me. Me? I have had some very bad and abusive relationships in my past. I had been single for about 2.5 years before I started talking with this guy and I LOVED being single, I loved making plans to go on adventures, traveling, all that good stuff. In fact I was convinced that I would probably be single for the rest of my life and I was totally okay with it, even looking forward to it because then I'd have the freedom to travel the world without baggage. But then, like I said, this guy and his brat daughter came along and my plans changed.

My mother actually started writing to this guy as well, very casually, just a card here and there and exchanging hellos through me. Like I said, he and I were talking cohabitation and marriage, and they wanted to get to know each other and start building a relationship before he's released. I will be the first to admit I've dated some horrible men in the past and my mother knows all about it. My last partner was a mentally disturbed sociopath who went off his meds and tried to murder me. Twice. I guess in comparison, this convict seemed like an angel and my mother wanted me to be with the first guy I chose who actually treated me with consideration, patience, and respect. She's also pushed me to think about having bio children with him once he's home. I was adamantly against it because I don't want my child to have a rotten beast for a half-sister, but he and my mother both put so much pressure on me to change my mind and have a baby. Actually that's kind of sick now that I think about it. Him, I can kind of understand- his daughter wants nothing to do with him so I guess he figures he can just make a new one. My mother, I don't know, I'm an only child and maybe she just really wants grandkids but sees I'm not too keen on having a bio baby?

The more I write about this the weirder it seems.

Oh wow, I had no idea so many people on here know about corrections! I only know the convict side of things due to my family's history, but I have tried doing my research. I agree we would have been in for a HARD life! This guy got kicked out of 8th grade for selling cocaine (he was only 13 years old!), spent a bunch of time in and out of juvie, met his daughter's mom briefly when they were both in the system, he served 17 months at the age of 18 for stealing a car (went in right after knocking BM up, but he didn't know, and she was sleeping with 2 other men and said it wasn't his) all before catching this 15 year drug trafficking case at the age of 20. It is truly upsetting to know that this guy has basically NO experience with being a normal, functional, independent person. I live in AZ, he is in Ohio, I had told him I would move up there for him but he insisted he wanted to get away from OH because he could see himself getting caught up with all of the old people and behaviors that led him to spending more than half his life behind bars. Sad story.

So yeah, I am lucky that I am independently employed (I work online while pursuing my writing career). In my line of work a criminal record doesn't matter at all so we had planned on me teaching him the ropes so he could earn a little income online until he could get a legit straight job with benefits. I knew it would be a WHILE before he could land a 9-5, might not possibly ever happen, and had my eyes wide open to the fact that I would be the sole breadwinner. And I was okay with that. But I am just not okay with having to support me, him, AND his bastard child. Guess I have to draw the line somewhere?

I couldn't know the full effects of being with a recently released con who never got to experience adult life, responsibilities, and relationships until after the fact- but I truly would have been willing to try. I feel so guilty for giving up on him, honestly I thought we could work past all of those issues with some good counseling and a strong plan in place, but I just know I can't look past his ridiculous little brat. I wanted SO desperately to learn how to accept the step-situation, or at least tolerate it. I know we would have had other post-incarceration issues but I believed we could figure out how to resolve those. But how do you resolve another human being who's never going away?

"Maybe your mom can date him if he's so wonderful?"

LMAO you know what's disgusting/disturbing? I wouldn't put it past my mother. She has ALWAYS went for younger guys, and I have always gone for older guys, so usually (and this is so messed up) my boyfriends have been older than hers. I could see her trying to talk to him; he's honestly very attractive and only 35 (my mom is 50). Right up her alley. He even semi-joked about what if my mom tries to flirt with him? Totally effing disgusting. Who knows, maybe instead of being his brat's step-mom I'll end up being her step-sister? *vomit*

Just got another email from my now ex:

"i told you that i'm not going to discuss these matters on here.... i'm not gonna rush what i have to say to you... and if you would'nt have called the number then you would'nt have been talked to that way... don't get mad now, cause you are the one who wanted to hear her... and i feel that it is plain wrong to even call her when you don't even know her------period... and then do it behind my back.... you are wrong for this, and i'm not gonna discuss this through emails any more... and why would you block the phone... its rediculous... wake up and realize what you are doing to us... and its for nothing [my first name]. you are trippin about nothing... and ask yourself one thing-------no matter what you tell me about my daughter, ask your self this-----------what can i do about it from in here??? nothing. you already know that you are suppose to be with me!!!! so stop this nonsense and lets figure out what we need to do... its not incurable... the world is not ending... we will be alright, just relax and see this shit for what it is... don't allow it to have so much power..."

Ladies (and gents?) THANK you for the pep talk earlier because I now see how much BS I Don't have to put up with! We're done. I really thought he was worth the headache but now I see, he isn't. I never wanted to be a step-mommy and I will not be a step-mommy and I certainly won't compromise my deeply-held desires for someone who can talk to me the way he does. So I sent him THIS as a reply:

"See, this is EXACTLY what I am saying. You are always going to put me second. When it comes to seeing my side of things, you will NEVER give me the benefit of the doubt because your child comes first. And you know what? I Don't Play Second Fiddle Very Well. So I'll tell you what: I really, really thought that we could have figured out a way for you to have me in your life, have her in your life, and you could have kept the two completely separate. Now I see that's not going to happen, because no matter what I say or do, you are always going to see ME as the one who is the problem. So in your mind, she gets to be disrespectful and curse a wrong number out, and that's totally okay on her part, but you see ME as the bad guy? You're fucking delusional.

You know why I brought these things to your attention? So you could talk to her mother about her taking those drug videos down before the cops go after her. So you could talk to her mother about maybe finding a counselor or program or something for her since she is clearly heading down a dangerous path. No, maybe you can't do it by yourself, but you are refusing to do ANYTHING and you are using your incarceration as an excuse not to be a parent. And you think I'd ever want to have a child with someone who refuses to at least try to get his kid on the right track? Once again, delusional.

We are not going to be together because I don't want you anymore- I thought you were a great guy, but I will NOT settle for the life you are planning on "offering" me. The end. Done deal. I'm over it. You know how I told you I was choosing to be with you despite all odds? Well now I am choosing to walk away from you for my own sanity, because I am not going to be the bad guy in my own home, and therefore I can never share a home with you. I've already mailed back everything you have ever sent me- the pictures, the letters, everything. Don't write to me anymore. Everyone was right about you. My feelings are NOT nothing, and since you fail to realize that, then I leave you gladly. I don't wish you harm. I don't wish you malice. I just wish for you to leave me alone. A better man would have found a balance between the girl he loves and the woman he loves, but now I see you are not that man, and I'd rather be alone than be with someone who's going to turn me into a second class citizen just because he has daddy issues."

THANK YOU everyone for giving me such wonderful feedback. Now back to planning my working tour through Central America and having a REAL life without a convict and his bastard. This site has saved me so much grief, I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart

Update: So I emailed this guy on the 1st telling him I'm terminating the relationship because I can't handle his daddy issues, and asked him not to write to me anymore. Obviously I have put no money on his phone either, but he's since been trying to call me collect 2-3x/day. He knows I can't accept collect calls on my cell even if I wanted to (it's a prepaid) but would always say that would be his signal to let me know he's thinking of me. Today (the 3rd) I got two attempted collect calls from him and a one line email which states, "whats wrong...can't handle talkin to me??"

Um... does this seem confrontational to anybody else? I have not yet written to the warden of his facility asking for no contact. I will if he persists with this behavior but I'd only like to use that as a last resort method. I just don't want to create that kind of drama if he'll eventually (sooner rather than later!) stop contacting me on his own. Should I reply to his email once again asking for no contact, so that I can show the warden that he is not complying on his own? Should I ignore the email and hope he gets the hint? What would be an appropriate amount of time to allow him to back off before I get the warden involved?

I know this has transformed into something WAY beyond a step-issue, but I thank anyone in advance who can offer some insight.