Support needed - finding my place in bf's new surprise family
Hi everyone! This is my first post on this forum. Thank you in advance for everyone reading or possibly commenting, and overall just for this forum for existing.
I am a 30-year old woman, who has found herself in a new family situation this year, in a kind of an unusual one, I think.
In early January, I met my boyfriend (soon to be live-in partner). We immediately hit off very well and things seemed to just "click".
On our third date he wanted to talk to me about something serious, and that he would understand if I didn't want to keep dating him. He told me he had just found out that a girl he had been casually sleeping with during the fall had become pregnant and that she was now contemplating what to do. To make things clear: they were never in a relationship or romantically involved, just casually hooked up a couple of times.
When I heard about this, I was of course surprised and worried - how would this work out and what was I possibly getting myself into? However, as I was starting to like him a lot and was very interested in finding out how things would evolve, I did not end anything there. After all, no one had done anything wrong..
The girl eventually decided she would keep the baby. My bf and her decided that they would keep in touch and that my bf would be some sort of a father figure in the baby's life.
Then came the pandemic. Our relationship has truly been a rock for both of us this year: we got to know each other very well during the lockdown months in the spring and have loved and supported each other through the mess of a year this is. During this time my bf met the girl almost solely through videocalls. They also met with a psychologist two times to discuss the situation.
Fast forward to December. The baby is now 3 months old, she is healthy and happy and my bf has started to slowly build a relationship with her with weekly visits. As it turns out, the mother (and slowly my bf as well) wanted to be more in touch etc. I am happy about this and I think it will be good for everyone.
Right now there's two big concerns (in addition to just being overall concered about how all of this will work out).
Number one is that I have not met the baby nor the mom face to face, only once via videocall. I know the baby is still very small and there's all the time in the world, but it all still feels crushing at times. We are just now trying to set up a date for us to meet, and my bf has been trying to make this happen for a while now. At the same time, my bf and the mom have been getting to know each other as well. As I said, they were just casually hooking up last year and they don't really know each other that well. They have had some misunderstandings about things throughout this year and have now started to focus on building some sort of a functioning relationship.
The mom has been reluctant about meeting me at first and even referred to me as "some random friend" who she is not interested in meeting. I am trying to be as empathetic as I can to the stress levels, tiredness etc. that are involved with being a new mom. However, I find this a bit weird and offensive, considering that she has known about me all along (my bf told her about me in early feb). Furthermore, as they have never been a couple, I find it unreasonable that she seems a bit hostile towards me. I am not looking to build a friendship with her or anything or being a stepmom. I just think that in this situation it would be best if we all knew each other a bit and could trust each other. I think she is maybe starting to see this as well in some way, as she also now agrees that we should meet. My boyfriend and I are moving in together in a few weeks, and we are both committed to each other and want to build a life together. I just want to do as much as I can to make the pieces of this puzzle fit.
My second concern is just concern for my own feelings. As much as I try to be constructive, understanding and tell myself that all of this takes time, I have these moments of crushing sadness, jealousy and just overall fear of how will all of this work out. This is such a random situation and my bf has had and is having his own crisis to deal with. He has always wanted a family but obviously this is not the way he imagined it would happen. He has also struggled with feelings of being totally unable to control his life. We are all adults in this situation and I am very happy that me and my bf have a very open and sharing relationship: we have talked about all of this so much. But I still feel so detached and alone at times. I have myself talked to a psychologist a couple of times and a lot with friends.
Ahh, even writing this out felt relieving. This message is so long, sorry 
If anyone wants to comment on anything, that would be great.
Welcome - that must have been
Welcome - that must have been hard to find out.
May I ask why it feels "crushing" that you haven't met the mother? This is your BF's child, don't fall into the trap of taking over parenting for him, or even seeing yourself as a "co-parent". Sure, you can help him, you can even grow to love the baby, but this is not your mutual child and you don't have to be part of any of the communication with the mother. That's all on your BF to handle, it's his child.
Eventually you will likely get to know her, as time goes on, in some capacity, and you may or may not ever trust her. That can't be forced. IMO, your BF and this woman both "did something wrong" - they failed to prevent pregnancy in a casual encounter, and now there is a child who has been born under far less than ideal circumstances. I commend your BF for being willing to step up and be a father to her, but this road won't be easy, and it could have all been prevented by wearing a condom.
(For the record, my DH also knocked up someone he barely knew. He stayed with her, even eventually married her, but it's been a challenge all the way through).
Also, last thought - I hope he's had a paternity test done?
Thanks for your reply
Thanks for your reply
A few comments: yes, a paternity test has been done. And it's a good point that I don't have to take on any more role or responsibility than I do at this point! What feels bad is a feeling of being ignored as part of this whole thing. Because I do see myself as some kind of part of the picture - not a part of parenting of course, but as a person who will influence and be influenced by whatever happens. And being referred to as a random or irrelevant person seems, I don't know, unnecessary. And I don't know if I'm being too emotional or something, but the whole timing of this situation sometimes makes me sad.
You are getting a preview of
You are getting a preview of who this person is - and it's not good. She may have hoped that he would get into a relationship with her when he found out she was pregnant and now she's jealous of you.
Your BF needs to nip that talk in the bud right away. He really shouldn't talk to her about anything other than the child. Frankly, she may never respect you or see you as relevant. You can't control that. Focus on helping BF set up strong boundaries with her in case she turns out to be a high conflict person.
I wish the crystal ball says you live happily ever after, but...
I know of a situation similar where 15 years ago my friend's now husband knocked up his gf at the time. It was after they broke up that exGF discovered she was pregnant and she decided to keep it. So they tried to have a second go at the relationship for the baby only for the exGF to kick him to the curb for the second time before she gave birth solo. When my friend met this guy the baby was less than a year old and he was upfront about her from the first date.
It was sort of ok while baby was still a baby. Then when she started to talk all sorts of interesting things came out of her mouth like "mummy says you hate me and you want me dead". Any photos featuring my friend the SM were systematically deleted from SD's phone. She was a sweet natured girl to begin with like most steps but longterm poisoning from BM has completely wrecked any early potential. Does it make sense that BM should be jealous since she was the one who ended the relationship and decided to have the baby on her own? Of course not. But don't expect sense to enter into the equation.
Now she's a teenager and my friend's jewellery and makeup go missing after SD visits. SD claims to know nothing. After a very sentimental piece disappeared she had to put cameras in her bedroom. Then things stopped going missing. Like magic.
And throughout it all there's feelings of frustration, depression and loneliness. A stupid mistake from her DH's past and it feels like she's the one paying for it. A baby doesn't stay a baby for long. Things that your BF will promise to you now may or may not be realistic when his child grows up. The reality is that as that child grows up, more and more time will be spent with that child, leaving less for couples nights. And even if time isn't spent, money will. A huge chunk of your family's resources will go to support another family - for decades if not forever. It will impact your family's decision on whether or not you guys can afford to have another child in the mix.
My friend has said that if she could do over the last 15 years she would have kept looking for someone else. Some days the crazy doesn't make her feel like it's worth it. So if you can take this example and imagine it 10 times worse in your head and decide this guy is still worth it then go for it. At least you half half an idea of the hell that might await. Otherwise there's plenty more fish in the sea.
This. Sorry, love is not
This. Sorry, love is not enough. Don't sabotage your own life by moving forward with this relationship.
Wow, isn't it a bit too soon
Wow, isn't it a bit too soon to predict what my life will be like in 15 years - and to assume that it will be like (or worse than) the story above?
Ah, to be young again ...
.. and so naive. To feel so exceptional. To feel unique.
Like everyone else. Listen up. People are the same always and everywhere, and they keep doing the same things over and over and over again. If this sounds cynical, that's because it is. I've been around awhile and have been paying attention. You seem not to have those advantages, so I invite you to read around this site and learn a bit about what women experience in relationships with men who have exes and children. These same things CAN and WILL happen to you.
Believe me, I wish I were wrong.
I would like for her to
I would like for her to especially pay attention to the posts where women come on her and are beside themselves about the fact that their child won't be their partner's first. They feel cheated. They feel like their partner can't possibly see their pregnancy and child as special. Oh.. and the "I don't want the stepkid to have anything to do with my child" posts as well. In almost every single case.. these women did get into a relationship with a man with a child. then are upset because.. they are in a relationship with a man who has a child. I'm not saying that we should all "get what we get because we should have known".. because sometimes you can't possibly know everything.. but pretty sure that the fact that the guy already had a child and yours wouldn't be first could have been predicted.
OP's situation is not exactly a surprise child.. He and she found out about the pregnancy fairly early in their own relationship.. the child didn't pop entirely out of thin air into a 4 year marriage...
I don't blame OP for thinking it might be worth it to see where things go.. but this is not a situation for the faint of heart. .for people who are hyper sensitive or prone to jealousy. It isn't a place for people who cannot have 100% transparent communication with their parents. OP knows herself better than anyone.. only she knows whether she can take being marginalized by the bio mother.. and that there is nothing she can do about it. That her partner may be a disney daddy over the guilt of the situation.. That there is some first that happened for him.. that she was not a part of.
I think the last paragraph is
I think the last paragraph is probably the most important to consider here...
How many people would look back and say.. you know.. I had a chance 20 years ago to save myself the heartache of steplife. I hadn't even been dating the guy two months when I found about his kid...
I can understand OP's current feelings too.. the mother (fresh from giving birth to her child)...likely doesn't want to give any other person a place at her table so to speak. But, she also needs to understand that she doesn't get to vet her child's father's social life.
My concern would be that as they get to know each other.. the pull of being more of a father to his bio child might make him inclined to try to have more of a real relationship with this person who may have been casual in the past.. but with a kid they want to try to work it out.
I don't know.. it's a tough situation for sure.. but at your age, there are likely other fish in the sea that don't have this horn sticking out of the side of his head. If you stay.. you are potentially signing up for decades of confilct with his ex. sacrifices for a kid that isn't yours... he has a pre-existing financial obligation to this child that will limit spending in your home.. all things that seem like they may be petty to want to quit now.. but it is not easy to be a stepmom... in so many ways. Lots of people here would have pulled the plug at the beginning had they known.
No kidding
" ... the pull of being more of a father to his bio child might make him inclined to try to have more of a real relationship with this person who may have been casual in the past.. but with a kid they want to try to work it out."
Or maybe he'll simply decide to have his cake and eat it. Either way, this is an emotional disaster waiting to happen.
Run.
Also agree. You are 30, no
Also agree. You are 30, no children. This will be a long, painful road. To me, your feelings of sadness and all the other negativity is understandable.
I don't know what kind of person you are. Not morally, but i mean what kind of life do you want? Do you place a big value on family? Do you want children? The reason i say this is i think some people might be better suited to handle the trials of steplife than others. If you don't care about having a traditional family and don't define yourself by your relationships, maybe you will be ok.
I have realized about myself that i very much tie my self-worth to my role and relationships within my family, and i have sort of traditional ideas about family roles. If you do, too, then this situation is understandably hard. This is a time in your relationship where you are just beginning your life together. You want to use this time to get to know each other, to bond, and to plan for the future.
Your BF, however, is getting to know the mother of his child. He is bonding with the child and, unless he has iron-clad personal boundaries, he is bonding with the mother too. He is planning for his child's future. With a woman who is already expressing that she does not respect your role in your boyfriend's life. Has he defended you and told her her opinion about you is of zero significance? Told her that you are his partner, not her, and he is only interested in making plans regarding the baby and no other chit chat? Or, is he treating this woman with a lot of care and "letting things go", because she has his baby?
Does he have a court ordered custody plan or does he see the baby where and when the mom says he can? Is there a plan for child support or shared custody? Does he want the child living with him half-time?
All this without even mentioning the very significant amount of money that this woman and child will siphon away from your boyfriend. No wonder you have negative feelings. I think, if you want kids of your own with a more traditional life, run, and look for a man who is fully available to you. If you are more excited about your career, friends, etc., than your relationship, maybe this will work. I just think this situation is very likely to cause you a lot of grief. I also think your BF was kind of selfish to be dating while all this was going on and wait until several dates in, "hooking you", then telling you about this mess.
Welcome to the site!
Only one thing (other than points that others have already commented on) stood out for me in your account of the relationship so far. There appears to be unfinished business between your bf and the mother of his child - not only the fact that they have a child together, but her hostility to you would suggest that she feels proprietorial towards him - possibly wants him back in her life as a boyfriend/partner. He appears to feel flattered that two women now want him and I suggest to you that this will be problematic for your relationship as he may be subconsciously encouraging the rivalry between you and her. Are you sure you can be bothered with all this? It may well be quite stressful for the next 20 yrs, as it has been for many of us members here.
While I seriously respect the
While I seriously respect the experience and wisdom clearly present at this forum and appreciate your ideas, I would just like to point out that the responses I am getting include assumptions which are not based on anything I have said, but more on what I think you are likely assuming has happened or not happened. So let me just explain a few things:
"Has he defended you and told her her opinion about you is of zero significance? Told her that you are his partner, not her, and he is only interested in making plans regarding the baby and no other chit chat?" Yes he has, he has been very clear about this and about the importance of me in his life. Their relationships building at this point means just getting to know very basic facts about each other and learning to communicate.
"You're here for a reason - you know this isn't looking promising." Um. I came here because I was looking for peer support, no one in my close friends or family has experience on this kind of situation.
"Does he have a court ordered custody plan or does he see the baby where and when the mom says he can? Is there a plan for child support or shared custody? Does he want the child living with him half-time?" All of this is either already agreed on or in the works.
"I also think your BF was kind of selfish to be dating while all this was going on and wait until several dates in, "hooking you", then telling you about this mess. ". This is the exact opposite of what happened, but maybe I explained myself not too well (english is not my first language). He told me the same week he found out, on our third date. So just a few days after finding out, and he gave me a very clear opportunity to exit.
I get that there are a lot of things to be concerned about and that you all have experience, but I would appreciate a little fewer assumptions.
I'm glad that at least he
I'm glad that at least he does defend you and was honest from the start. I don't know what you hoped to get from this site, but you will hear from people from all over the world and from all walks of life who share this one cluster of issues. You will get a variety of replies.
I am also still in a relationship with the man whose situation led me to find this site, despite people telling me i need to leave. The thing is, even if you know logically that your situation is bad (not saying you do), you will not leave it until you are ready. I totally get that. Take the advice you find here with a grain of salt, but do respect the experiences the people here have had and their mostly well-intentioned advice and warnings.
People are going to fill in
People are going to fill in some blanks a bit.. when information isn't crystal clear laid out. I don't think that anyone is trying to attack you.. just trying to help support you. But, you might want to consider that supporting you does not mean that they are necessarily supporting your relationship or your BF. People do have experience here.. but it is a site most people arrived at when they had a problem/worry that they needed a safe space to let off steam or get advice...
First, it is good that your BF is defending you as an important part of your life. Honestly, that is all you can expect.. you have no control over his "ex" for lack of a better term. How she feels about you is likely not personal.. she would feel that way about anyone he was seeing. But, if that bothers you a lot... keep in mind, this is just the beginning of hurts. If you can't brush off and not take things she may say or do personally.. it will bring hurt into your home. And.. I'm not saying she should do these things..but we are talking about what you can control and what your BF can do in your home. She has his child.. and to an extent... he may feel at her mercy to get access to his child and his ability to "make the BM do anything" is severely limited.
and.. "you are here for a reason"... support yes.. but underneath it all.. there are things here that are giving you a reason to question.. there are things happening you aren't happy about. It doesn't look promising for his Ex to have the opinion that she does.. and you are smart enough to realize it. You also are in tune with your own feelings and know it is not promising that you have concerns... this doesn't mean only gloom and doom.. but definitely a time to look for red flags.
Asking about the custody plan isn't really an assumption.. but it is something that can have a huge financial, logistical and other impact on your life if you stay with him. Have you ever thought of moving elsewhere? might not be possible. How much will he be paying her? what will be left for your family and home? it's something to well consider.
Finally, it wasn't clear when he knew vs you knew. It's good if he was forthright and told you early in the game.. but just because you didn't pick that as a jumping off point doesn't mean that you are comitted to seeing this through to death till you part. When things become unworkable for you.. you can step away from this relationship..
Again.. many people here have had negative experiences. You are at a point where you could more easily make a break and look for a new relationship without this baggage.. that is, even in the best of circumstances, going to have some negative affect on your life in some way at some point. People will tell you to run now.. and you may not be inclined to take that advice. Certainly not every relationship is doomed. I would consider my relationship with my DH to be good.. his kids are now grown and out of the home.. and his Ex issues are no longer a real impact on our life. but that does not mean I still might not advise someone to not jump into the same pool I did because the results are not guaranteed.. and in steplife.. they are stacked against you even more.
I think we just see red flags
I think we just see red flags in hindsight, and are hoping to point them out to you. It's good that some of them aren't actually red flags, he's dealing with them.
The part that IS real though, is that it's really hard to be a stepparent under the best of circumstances - and that is, when the parents can work together as co-parents but have good boundaries, and the kids are well-behaved and pleasant to you. Your situation might turn out that way, you're right, it's too early to tell. We are just warning you about what flags to look for - the biggest one so far that I see in your situation is that BM has already dismissed you, the live-in GF, as "random and irrelevant", which tells me she's very likely to be an angry, jealous, high-conflict person who could make your life miserable and poison the child against you. If she was truly just a random hook-up who had no feelings for your BF, she wouldn't see you in that light.
Just keep your eyes open and your boundaries tight - and don't get married or pregnant until you see how this situation plays out.
ETA: We need 1dad4kids to chime in here on their years-long court battle with the random hook-up that her DH knocked up.
It may seem hard now, but you
It may seem hard now, but you have only known this man for a few months. I would save yourself the Step Life drama, and potential heartache, and leave now. The level of committing to this at 30y/o with no children is crazy. You are signing your life away because of someone else's dumb decisions... and now you're supposed to just go along with it?
In your situation, I would
In your situation, I would hold off on moving in with the BF until the situation with the child and the BM isn't so fluid. What's the rush? You haven't even been dating him for a year, and there is a LOT going on here.
Welcome to ST--glad you found
Welcome to ST--glad you found us.
Its gonna be a long, hard road especially when bm takes your new boyfriend to court for Child support, and a court order. I read where you wrote it is being worked on.
Imagine a cs order being worked on for the next 18 years, and maybe longer which includes College OR possibly life long child support.. You good with that?
Are you ok with working 30- to -40hours a week for YOUR paycheck and moving in with your boyfriend, taking your money to subliment for his court order child support, legal fees to pay rent, lights, food? In other words, are YOU ok with supporting your boyfriend. Yeah yeah yeah,,I know, Your gonna split expenses, right?
Lets just start there....Are you ok with that---before you have a ring and a date?
We havent even begun to talk about the baby and the babies mom.
.
Haven't talked about the the
Haven't talked about the the fresh hell of problems that will start if you plan on having children of your own yet either...
welcome to ST,, the responses
welcome to ST,, the responses you are getting are from outsiders points of views based on the only info you have posted , thats all we have to go by and our own experiences. you are on this forum because something isnt feeling right already ,,,first red flag. there will certainly be a rocky stressful road ahead with your situation so i hope your prepared for it! Regardless of love , how well you and your BF get along etc etc ,, we are simpoly opening your eyes up to all the common things that come along with step parenting , well for the majority of us anyway. Will you be ok with your BF giving another women every last dollar he has every week while you cover his shortfall for your household that you both share? what about a baby mama dictating your BF plans whenever she wants the baby to be looked after ? will you be ok not having a say in anything when it comes to custody and visitation and you have to schedule yourself around it all? will you be fine with him spending xmas and birthdays with his kid and the BM together doing presents and 'family stuff'? these questions are only touching the surface of the longggg road ahead. Be prepared and put yourself first
I guess, even if everything
I guess, even if everything else is perfect, OP and her boyfriend are in two different places. OP, and this is an assumption, wants to start a life with this man, based on the fact that they are planning to move in together. This man is starting a life with his child. That is huge. Now, he only visits maybe weekly, but it sounds like he wants to be more involved. The BM is also very involved, which means that since this is a newborn baby, they will be involved with each other for a very long time. He is starting this brand new life, and what will that leave for a life with OP? Some people (i don't see how but maybe some people) could probably be ok with all this and find a way to fit in and make it work. But, for this guy, if he wants to be an involved father with joint custody (assumption alert), this will be his life. It will consume his time and his money and OP is young and single with no children of her own. Unless the BM dies or moves far away and becomes uninvolved, the chances of this child being anything like a son or daughter to OP are low.
AAAUUUGGGHH
a girl he had been casually sleeping with
they were never in a relationship or romantically involved, just casually hooked up a couple of times.
,they were just casually hooking up last year and they don't really know each other that well.
That's his story, and I wonder why you repeat it three times here. I'll bet he doesn't use porn, either. And that the condom machine was empty on the nights when they casually hooked up.
the mother (and slowly my bf as well) wanted to be more in touch etc. I am happy about this and I think it will be good for everyone.
No, this will not be good for everyone. It might be just dandy for them, at least for awhile, but it will purely suck for you. if he even sticks around. They are developing their relationship right under your nose.
I repeat: AAAUUUGGGHH
MissT
Exactly this they are developing a relationship right under your nose! That is exactly what is happening.
OP you have a difficult life ahead of you, even if your BF is supportive of you. You will always feel left out. Do not trust that the BM will not try to lure your BF in via the baby. She has already diminished your role in your BF's life. Nothing like a new mom with hormones raging to try and make that happen. BEWARE.
Is a newish relationship worth the anguish? You are young and childfree, why choose a rocky road? It will be far easier to love someone childless than one with a child. Your BF for the next 18yrs plus will be financially responsible for another broads child. Do you want children? Be prepared if BM is high conflict and you and your BF have a child she will raise holy hell.
IT AINT WORTH IT!
Even if SO is supportive of
Even if SO is supportive of you to a fault and BM is not vindictive or crazy. The reality is your life will drastically change and there will be many aspects where you have no say or control.
First off the reality is as a new BM she is likely not going to be comfortable with another woman caring for her infant child, so that will become an issue especially when it comes to visitation.
CS, custody and visitation will always be added stress and voluntarily taking on those issues, especially when the end game is this is not your child,. The reality is you get nothing out of your time, effort and energy and it is only worth it if your relationship with DP is strong and balanced and they have good coping skills so not to let it effect Thier relationship with you.
You will be giving up your time and finances to help care for a child that is not yours, while the BPs get all the love and credit.
Your life, your time, your plans will revolve around a child that is not yours and a BM you never chose to have a relationship with.
applesauce
This just came to mind. I could be way off base and do not take offence. Do you think BM got preggo on purpose? As he said they just hooked up a few times. Some women tie emotion into a mans just sex / hook up category . Then he ends up with you and she makes you sound insignificant in his life. Sounds like she is jealous. There may be more to this story?
I could be very very wrong. I hope I am. Just giving you more to think about. If I am correct be prepared for battle if BM is high conflict.
You are in a tough spot and I
You are in a tough spot and I commend you for trying to embrace it all with open arms.
i also want to say that you have every right to be upset that biomom is calling you irrelevant and feeling like you are being excluded. Your SO is working on communication with biomom so that they can co-parent. As he should. But for you it's difficult because you are on the outside looking in watching another women build a partnership with the man that is supposed to be YOUR partner. She was just supposed to be a fling in his past, but now instead of being someone in his past, she is also some one in the present and the future. This has to be incredibly stressful for you! And yeah... now that they have this child to raise and they are navigating all that between just themselves... you are being treated like a third wheel.
as far as here calling you irrelevant.... don't worry about it. Who cares if she wants to not involve you. Frankly that is her right. But your SO should be involving you. He doesn't need to shove you down biomoms throat, but he should make sure when he is in communication with here you are present.
you have been incredibly supportive towards both him and biomom. talk to your SO about how you are feeling. I am going to say it again because it bears repeating... you have been so supportive throughout this whole situation. Talk to your SO. If he is half as supportive as you, I'm sure he will work to ease your insecurities and include you in things from his end.
good luck
Yeah, I think this situation
Yeah, I think this situation is tough.
Your bf is going to develop a relationship with the baby (which of course is understandable) and through this, with the mother too. Someone above said they think the pair of them may grow close, and it sounds like this is on the cards....it seems as though the mum wants that, as she considers you "irrelevant" and is not concerned about your feelings....
Did we run the OP off ...
... with our bitter old harpy routine?
I usually try to be at least a little bit tactful when talking to folks like her. But they are so hard to get to through the fog of "New Love." I am weary of hearing about people, especially young women, offering themselves up as victim-hosts to the human version of parasitic cuckoos.
You're lucky
Let's focus on some absolute positive you have...
Your bf is standing by you, supporting your relationship and encouraging your presence in his daughters life.
Both parents definitely have their daughters best interests at heart, so coparenting will come easier than most.
They're using all the right people to help their situation.
The mum issue, is more than likely out of feeling threatened and should start going when you meet her and tell her your not interested in taking her role away. I would think meeting mother before the baby more important as she doesnt seem unreasonable at the moment and you can establish a good basis for future by introducing yourself first.
I also just want to say, this is never going to be easy. Even when coparenting is set up, the child grows takes part in activities so visits need to be adapted...your partner may change job, again visits need to be adapted...you decide to have children...visits need to be adapted. If I could go back now, I wouldnt have moved in with my SO and so not meeting his son for 2 years wouldnt have hurt so much.
Try and have patience, it seems like things are moving the right direction.
Your desire to bond with the
Your desire to bond with the BM is naive at best. You are better served to maintain the team bond that you have with your SO and the two of you focus on your relationship and on creating a relationship with your SD.
Quit wasting your time and emotion on the breeder BM. One thing i would for sure put a fork in is your BF trying to bond with his failed family breeder of a BM.
I am not sure how somone can have a sexual relationship, repeatedly, without a romantic envolvement. Your BF has zero business bonding with BM in any way other than specificu issues regarding the baby. That crap needs to end IMHO.
He either is all in with you, or .... you need to find someone with better control over their sperm.
Good luck.