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Stepson finished what his sister couldn't

livroa's picture

Submitted by livroa on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 3:32pm

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I really wish I found this site sooner maybe my marriage could have been saved. I just really need to get this off my chest. I've been holding it in for a while.

I was married to my husband for 10 years and we have have a 6 year old daughter together and a 4 year old son. He also had a daughter and a son. My stepdaughter was only 18 years old when she claimed her own life- god rest her soul. She had severe depression and was put in emergency care due many times she tempted to claim her life. She also was very hostile to everyone- her mom, stepfather, myself and my husband. She didn't want her stepfather or I do be around. Her mother and father did everything they could to get her help but she only got worse. It got a point where she punched my husband in the face and slapped her mom. How much for could we have taken? She wasn't stable and she did not want help. I'm not trying to bad mouth her or anything. I'm just trying to show how bad things had gotten. She really was a good kid. She just got lost but she was very close to her little brother.  Her mother and father didn't not want her around their houses. They also had to think about the other kids well-being an their safety as well. After punching her stepfather in the face, she got kicked out of her mother's house and we didn't want to have her in our home. She went to go live with her mother's mom. Her mother and father would still go and visit her and call her everyday to show her that she wasn't being pushed out or neglected. She ended up claming her own life. This destoyed everyone epesically her brother. 

My stepson was never the same after that. He didn't talk to anyone. Whenver we would engage him, he would shut us down. Grief and loss counselling wasn't working either. He blamed everyone. That even though it was her choice, the parents played the role in her death as well is what he would say.  To him everyone abandoned her. He labelled his own parents as monsters.  

Without going into too much detail, he divided and conquered. His parents were afraid because they put their respective spouses before their daughter; and they lost her. They didn't want to lose their son too. 

Ultimatley he came between his mother and stepfather and  between my husband and I . He blamed us all.  He became the alpha male in his mother's house and alpha female in my house. 

He destoyed on just one marriage but two. He didn't even care about his little siblings and how it would affect them. He wanted his stepfather and I gone and he did it. 

Thanks of listening. I'm devasted. I'm happy that I was able to get this off my chest at least. 

Sorry for the other post btw. It got posted my accident. 

 

 

Totheend12345's picture

Submitted by Totheend12345 on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 4:43pm

I am sorry , this isnt fair. But maybe its better off for you. Always try to look foward and in hopes of better things. ***Hugs****

livroa's picture

Submitted by livroa on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 10:52pm

Hugs are very much appreciated. Thank you so much

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 6:04pm

I'm sorry. I know it was hard for your husband to lose his daughter, but he let his son destroy your marriage as a result.

There will be happiness for you in the future.

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 6:36pm

I feel badly for everyone involved in this fractured family.  My brother committed suicide years ago and the ripples of his action are still felt today.

CG made some excellent points:  1. many marriages do not survive the death of a child; 2.  your children have essentially lost their father at a young age. 

In my non-professional opinion, your DH will never be the father that your children would have had if SD had not taken her life. With or without SS's actions.  He will co-parent from a different place and likely will act in ways that you never would have believed were possible.

Counseling for you and your little ones may help you grieve the loss of your marriage and maybe make sense of this situation.  {{Hugs}}

 

 

livroa's picture

Submitted by livroa on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 10:46pm

I really just needed to get this out of my system. 

While I was writing this out, I was in tears. I kept all of this bottled up and it all came out. 

livroa's picture

Submitted by livroa on Fri, 12/28/2018 - 2:37pm

I'm taking it one day at a time.

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Thu, 12/27/2018 - 11:03pm

I am so very sorry.  In time I am sure he will regret not telling his son that he can not and will not choose between the children he has left.  For his son to even try to do that to him was and is incredibly cruel.  One day soon he will be off with his own life and your then ex-DH will be left alone and wishing you and his younger children were with him.  But you will be long gone and his relationship with the little ones will likely be irreparably fractured.  That son needs some serious help if he is able to do something so obviously destructive. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 01/04/2019 - 3:03pm

Suicide is IMHO the most selfish act a person can perpetrate on others.  What your SS has done is not far behind on that curve IMHO. Your SS was not the only one to lose a sister. Your children also lost a sister and your DH lost a daughter.  In my experience the loss of a child is the most difficult thing anyone can experience. All indicators are that it is far harder than losing a sibling though that is extremely devastating as well.  We lost my youngest brother when I was 8yo.  It gutted me me but it nearly killed my mom and dad.  Our loss occurred in an intace family and mom, dad my surviving younger brother rallied around each other and still remain close. We celebrate his life every year in his birthday month.  My youngest nephew was born on the same day within minutes of the same time ~38 years after my youngest brother was born.  So we have two great blessings to celebrate every year when the grief period is intense for mom and dad.

This is sad and tragic for you and your young children.  Who ended your marriage. You or your XH?  I ask only because it helps frame the perspective for responses to your post.

An upside I can see is that you may now be able to minimize the exposure of  your own young children to their toxic elder half brother as well as to the high risk extended gene pool on their father's side.  You can monitor your own children and get them help early if you see indicators that help for your children is in order.

My condolences on all of the tragedy in your former marriage and on the demise of your relationship with your XH.

Take care of you, take care of your kids.