Stepmom and my son
I have an issue and can’t decide if I should say something or just deal with it.
My ex and I divorced 10 years ago. He cheated and they got married. At the time we had 2 kids and she had 2 kids along with getting pregnant. 3 years after our divorce they moved to Maine and my son went with them because his dad promised him a golden ticket to life. After 4.5 years of living with them he made the decision to move back with me and his stepdad. His dad has anger issues and started getting violent. It’s been 3 years, he’s 19 and is thriving in college and has no relationship with bio dad. Stepmom is a different story. She’s currently going through a divorce with his dad. They talk regularly and she’s been unloading to him about what’s going on in the divorce. I feel it’s inappropriate to talk to my kid about this stuff, but he wants to know everything since his little half bro is in the middle. This is my issue…this past week she posted a huge happy birthday post on fb and lavished him with beautiful words of how wonderful he is and posted pics everywhere. Most of the pics were when they were together as a family in Maine. Looking at the pics and reading how much she loved being his “other mother” and how much she misses his help around the house and showing off his name tattooed on her leg I kinda got creeped out and frankly mad. You see, while he was living with them in Maine getting them to get me pics or knowing what was going on took an act of congress. So i had never seen some of the pics she posted. Thankfully I had friends there who kept me up on his well being. I really wanna put her in her place and tell her to stay in her lane and know her role. I don’t mind him talking to her and his little bro, but does this sound weird?
You cant do much because your
You cant do much because your son is 18+ and he can decide of his own communication with whoever he wants. I would just have a convo with your son and let him know to be careful when discussing the divorce of his father and stay out of that business because its more complicated than he thinks.
My husband has BM1 and BM2. BM2 hated the first set children and would ask BM1 to not let them come over for visitation and make up an excuse behind their fathers back. Then BM1 would contact the father and say she cant bring the kids over or she would turn off her phone and go silent. BM2 would act like an innocent dove who misses the children and just wants to be a mama bear to all the kids in the world.
There are some pics of few visits that the first set of children had during BM2s relationship and guess what? BM2 claims she is the OG stepmother and loves the kids like her own! Even though after the breakup of that short relationship, BM1 exposed BM2 and BM2 never sawthe first set of children for 9 years and even asked that her children not associate with their siblings.
When OSD and OSS started having problems with their father and mother, guess who scooped them up and claimed to be (step)mother of the year? BM2 with pictures and long declarations of her undying love and motherhood and big paragraphs criticising BM1 and daddy for the situation that the children were in. Nvm the fact that the children were assholes with behavioral problems. Now all the steps live with BM2 and she taunts my husband with that and gives the bioparents parenting advice lol
I have been a stepmother for 10years consistently but she hates me and tells her children and my husband "this bitch has no say" or "only listen to your father, others dont matter"...I now dont bother anymore. She was a "stepmother" for 3years inconsistently and got a say on everything and gets all the flowers.
I honestly see it as a blessing. I let her have all the children she wants at her home as long as it means that OSS and OSD who never launched can remain at her home and mooch off her, it works for me!
Some women use the rapport with their estranged spouses children to taunt them. The social media post and constant texting is to taunt ex husband and make a point that she has everyone on her side. Thats how BM2 started texting OSS and OSD after not seeing them for 9+years....
Weird but fits within any type of custody battle. She also will use the half siblings as a carrot that she will dangle over your sons head. Trust me on that. This is what BM2 is doing to BM1s children
Moral of the story: be glad you arent a stepmother and continue to give sound advice on communication with your bio. He will be manipulated anyway because that is the nature of these types of women. She will always use her connection to your son to hurt her ex husband and dismiss you or anyone else in your sons life so she can be the "main attraction" and "mother of the year"
It sounds as if they had a
It sounds as if they had a great relationship, I would just but out. It sucks that his dad was an ass, but at least he had someone in that house that cared about him. be happy he at least had that.
I'd Leave It Alone
I've been thinking about your post before commenting. I'm going to assume your son kept his relationship with his SM after leaving his father's home. He left that home because of his father being violent and has not spoken to him since. BUT he does have a brother in that home...hence probably part of why he kept the relationship with his SM? I'd also like to think the BS behaviors came more from your ex husband than the SM, ie withholding pics, communication, etc. I mean, I'd hate to be accused of something my DH did and get the blame simply because I'm the SM. Now, I can see how it hurts to see the SM posting stuff but your son is 19, apparently has a good relationship with her and is concerned about his brother. You've epressed some of your thoughts to him and he's still fine continuing his relationship with SM. Time to let go.
A short story. My daughter's SM decided to get her pearl earrings for Christmas one year. That was the gift I was going to get her. My ex called me and when he told me what SM was buying, I thought, what a nice gesture and what a great gift between SD and SM to help them bond. I told my ex, no worries, I'll find another gift. I appreciated her knowing my daughter well enough to know she needed those earrings (she had lost one of her first set).
As we all know on this board, most SMs are wonderful women just trying to do right by kids that aren't ours. Recognize your son has a good relationship with his SM and regardless of the dynamics of how she came into his life, apparently, he likes her. Yes, she may be doing the post as a PA move against the ex, but it's also possible she really loves your son and is realizing his importance to her. Either way, the post paints your son as a beautiful person whom she cares about. And clearly, she's getting her karma from that "cheating" as she is now going through a divorce.
Much of what I've said here is based on assumptions so if I'm wrong, please forgive me. I'd not want to make light of your feelings and the situation. Sending you a big hug.
I know it must be difficult
I know it must be difficult given the history to know that despite that.. your son still developed a good relationship with her. But.. I think you have to realize that the majority of the blame of the difficultness and possibly even the affair.. was your EX'es doing... he may have let her believe all sorts of things about your relationship.. that it was over.. unhealthy.. that you cheated on him (my EX told his GF this.. it was a lie). And.. I am guessing that there was plenty of conflict between you, your EX and his new SO over the years.
Fortunately, you raised a kid who is able to make his own assessments and not be led or PAS'ed against either parent. My YSD is like that.. despite the fact she loves her mom.. she also loves her dad.. and me.. and knows her mom can be difficult.. but she has a relationship with us all on her own independant terms. In your case.. there is brother in the mix (is it your other son or his SM's son?).. and he may also want to keep the relationship for that association.
I know it must be difficult.. and I think that you can take it in the spirit it was meant.. that she is proud of your son.. likes the person he has become. I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to have more people that care about them either.
There is also the possibility that this is a bit of a dig at your EX.. that his kid still likes her.. despite the split???
Thank you for this insight.
Thank you for this insight. It is difficult and I try really hard to be the bigger person and not let this get to me. But, im human and sometimes i just can't help it. The little brother belongs to my ex and the stepmom. I know that's why my son stays in touch. I guess I just wished she would stop bashing his dad to him since they are going thru the divorce. My kid has already been thru that with me and his dad and I tried really hard at that time to keep things age appropriate. Everyone knows his dad his an ahole...it's not new news. But since my kid already has anger issues concerning his dad it's just not healthy. I do agree that maybe she posted the pics so my ex could see them. You're probably right about that one. Thank you!
Your Son is an adult
Beyond parental advice to an adult child there really isn't much you can do other than point out how his STBXSM's behavior does not pass the smell test.
Not an exact correlation, my SS-30 wrote off his SpermClan more than a decade ago. I do recommend to him periodically that he reach out to them just to maintain contact and to not be the one who does not engage. Even though they are toxic. He rarely does and then he only speaks with his HalfSister (SpermIdiot Spawn #2). My Son is Spermidiot Spawn #1 of 4 by three different baby mamas. #2 hates their father, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind #3.
It is no mistery why my son (Former SS who asked me to adopt him 8yrs ago) has written them off.
Your DS's write off of his father makes perfect sense.
That your DS's STBXSM/BioDad's STBXW is using him as a confidante sets off all kinds of alarm bells. I understand your concerns. I would have the same concerns were I you. SM's behavior definatley does not pass the smell test.
I hope your DS takes care of himself in all of this.
Even if it's inappropriate,
Even if it's inappropriate, there's nothing you can do. Your son is 18. His SM is totally inappropriate saying this, but he is of age and if he wants to listen, that's his business not yours. It's hard to do.
I married my DH when my daughter was 18 and his was 21. They didn't have to like it. Only I was divorced. . My DH's Wife had died years before so I didn't have to deal with an SM. My DH never got on my daughters case about her BD/ She was actually better with her SD, then with her BD. In any case, they were both adults at the time, so neither one of them had to do anything.
Adult step kids have to decide what to listen to on their own/ They may think it's fine today. They may regret it tomorrow, but the bottom line is they're adults.