Stepfather concerns
My issues are two currently.
1) my stepdaughter age 6 is intermittently challenging my position in the group, this is by saying things like 'it's me, mummy, my brother and not you' and moving away from me toward her mother saying 'your not next to anyone'. Small things I know and maybe nothing but it is upsetting me as the only time she interacts with me is when she wants me to do something for her...any advice?
2) my partner(children's mother) is pregnant and wants me to show the same love toward the step children as I would my own, mainly kissing them goodnight. Trouble is the boy normally says he doesn't want a kiss and the girl has stated she doesn't either at every turn, again any advice because once (if of course) my child is born I would be showing all the affection you'd expect, like kisses goodnight etc ?
I encouraged my DH to tuck
I encouraged my DH to tuck into bed, bond and hang out and spend time with my kids and I did the same for him...
He wanted to bond naturally over time, so he didn't go all out like I was encouraging.
Now, years later, I've seen the progress and time the bond built and he was right.
It was better to let it grow and bloom over time rather than force it.
Going in at night to say goodnight would be nice of you to do, but you don't need to kiss them good night, make your own tradition, make up a hand shake or say one thing you liked about your day and the kids say one then say goodnight and leave...something to end the day might be nice but she shouldn't encourage or force hugs and kisses kind of goodnight if you and skids are not ready...
I never had my DH kiss my son
I never had my DH kiss my son goodnight. I did the tucking in for my son and my DH did the tucking in for his kids i normally stayed out of there. I just didnt feel comfortable trying to act like their parent when I wasnt. I would tell them goodnight before they went to their room. Of course the oldest skid did try to attack me, so i had a good reason to not go in there.
This is my take too...I would
This is my take too...I would feel uncomfortable with the tucking in and kissing scenario. Its like you are being forced to act like a father replacement. You are not their father and your SD6 is showing you her displeasure in this too.
If it were me, I would step back and not do the things normally reserved for parents (kissing, etc) and "wait" till they approach you. Just treat them with respect. Over time, they will see that you are here to stay, will start to "trust' you and will grow closer....eventually. At 6 a child must be confused with why mummy and daddy aren't together let alone you trying to step in and take his place (inadvertently of course).
Be clear with your wife. You cant possibly "replace" the father. All you can ever be to your skids is a positive role model/mentor in their lives. I know as Ive been going through this the last 5 years as well as having been through it myself as a kid growing up.
This is my take too...I would
This is my take too...I would feel uncomfortable with the tucking in and kissing scenario. Its like you are being forced to act like a father replacement. You are not their father and your SD6 is showing you her displeasure in this too.
If it were me, I would step back and not do the things normally reserved for parents (kissing, etc) and "wait" till they approach you. Just treat them with respect. Over time, they will see that you are here to stay, will start to "trust' you and will grow closer....eventually. At 6 a child must be confused with why mummy and daddy aren't together let alone you trying to step in and take his place (inadvertently of course).
Be clear with your wife. You cant possibly "replace" the father. All you can ever be to your skids is a positive role model/mentor in their lives. I know as Ive been going through this the last 5 years as well as having been through it myself as a kid growing up.
The complication I guess that
The complication I guess that she is concerned with is that treating the first two differently from our biological child would cause a rift, any thoughts on this?
Really appreciate the responses so far by the way, thank you for your time.
A query I have is do I still
A query I have is do I still play with the girl despite her apparent attitude toward me or am I being taken the muck out of?
The fact is, you won't feel
The fact is, you won't feel the same about her kids as you do YOUR child with her. I tried and tried to bond with my DH's kids, but as the saying goes You'll only allow a dog to bite you so many times...it's the same with kids. If there is a distance between you and her kids ask yourself these...
1) Am I just not trying with her kids or do her kids not want to try with me.
2) How would I react to a relatives kid or friends kid treating me this way.
If the problem is the kids behavior, and there for your wifes unwillingness to correct it then she has just as much work as you do to help a bond form. If she's not willing to call her kids out on their rude behavior and let them know that you are the man of the house and deserve respect then there's not much you can do. It has to be a team effort, talk to her, but be careful with what you say as pregnancy hormones are deadly
One more question, is their
One more question, is their father in the picture?
The real problem is mom
The real problem is mom allowing sd to behave this way. You know what happens outside the home when you break the rules and act anti-socially? You get arrested. Why isn't mom saying, "Little daughter, in this house we kind to everyone. I think you forgot that for a moment." <<<
How very odd. ST ate half my
How very odd. ST ate half my post. Here it is again. (fingers crossed for proper posting)
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I think you forgot that for a moment." <<<
ok, I guess it's never going
ok, I guess it's never going to post more than a few lines. Anyone else having this trouble today?
Well, she is only six. I said
Well, she is only six. I said some mean things to my stepfather too. I didn't want him there. He moved into my house and tried to change things. That doesn't sit well with kids. It will pass. I would just ignore it.
That does it. This thread is
That does it. This thread is cursed to me. All other threads work, this one just eats most of it each time I try:
It is not on you to try to get this kid to like you. It is on Mom to raise likable kids. Period.
If you don't nip this in the bud, by the time she is 13 she will be calling CPS on you and flunking all her classes. All to revel in her rage about life changing when she was 6. You are the scapegoat and Mom has got to stop allowing it in order to have her daughter grow up with healthy emotional habits.
The other thing about kisses etc. is also bats. Let it come natural. I like the suggestion about doing a special signal and reviewing pleasant thoughts to say good night. Sounds perfect.
In response to Evil
In response to Evil Stepmonster, the father is still seeing the two children on one weekend every fortnight. As you say I need to discuss it with my partner but do so carefully.
Well then there you have it,
Well then there you have it, you're not their father, he is. I'm sure if you were in his shoes you wouldn't want some guy to come in there and try to play daddy to your kid, and I bet your wife would be livid if their fathers new wife tried to play mommy to her kids.
But yes, communication is key here. Good luck