How many of you have been victims of abuse by your step children that was directed towards you? This is a topic that is getting more attention thankfully.
My Skid would not ever even think of being abusive towards me.... or my wife (his mother). Just as I would never have considered being abusive towards my own parents.
Abusive Kids should have a healthy fear of disappearing in the woods or during an off shore fishing trip. Particularly kids who would even think of abusing a parent. Regardless of what prefix that parent may have applied to their parental status.
Had I ever even thought of raising a hand to my mother I would have woken up on the kitchen floor with the permanent indention of a cast iron pan somewhere on my face or skull. As should be the case for any adult abusing child or.... child abusing adult for that matter. And when dad got home, the consequences would have become extremely unpleasant. By comparison, the cast iron skillet to the skull would be down right enjoyable.
As it should be.
For those who take exception to indention inducing consequences, if I had a violent abuse kid/skid in my home I would have Mace and a TAZER on my hip at all times and would season and fry the violent pelvic refuse liberally when they attempted to be abusive.
When I was 16 6'1" and outweighed my 5'1" mom by at least 50Lbs she asked me to take out the trash. I once told her "You do it!" I woke up on the kitchen floor after she knocked me out cold with hard bare fist. I hopped up, said "Yes Ma'am" took out the trash and never messed with her again.
She did not go to jail and in all likelihood I would have been the one taken away in cuffs if I had called the police.
Kids having a healthy fear of their parents is no crime. If anything, it prevents crime like parent abuse.
In the short time I've been on this site, you've really come across as someone with a very black and white view, there is little to zero gray in there. I think the OP was alluding to psychological or emotional abuse. You went straight to the physical, which is unacceptable from them but equally unacceptable from us. Hitting children in the way you describe is just plain wrong, even some of these Skidmark Skids from Hell.
Physcially abused, no, although one time his daughter did pull on my hair roughly but I believe it was an accident. Emotionally abused yes. I have been called names, lied about, ignored, talked back to, and accused of doing things I never did by his kids. His kids would throw things at, punch and grab one another. If they ever did it to me I would not have tolerated it.
I would imagine this would be the category most SPs would fall into--not physically abused, but mentally or emotionally abused. Then, you get into that whole area of what is and isn't abuse. Largely accepted definition: To treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. And, to speak in an insulting and offensive way to or about (someone).
HOWEVER, the one thing that gets me really PO'd regarding this topic and stepparents is, and Iamwoman alludes to this below, the dismissive attitude most seem to have when stepparents make any sort of statement or claim whatsoever that they are being or were abused. This is why when you mention the term stepparents and being abuse, you also have to throw the term gaslighting in there, big time. As in, any stepparents who complains of such, will surely get gaslighted by others, including their own spouse or SO oftentimes, into thinking it was really not that bad, and kids will be kids and such. THIS happens a lot more than most would care to know.
I always said that if a SS, for example, pointed a loaded gun at his SM and threatened her, and the SM went running to her husband and his family with this info., she'd be told: Clearly, she must be mistaken, as I'm sure little Timmy never would threatened her, and if he did, well. . . he didn't mean it and was just having a bad day and teenagers will be teenagers. SM would further be told that she needs to get over it and that it was little to nothing. SM, being the odd one out, would then slowly and over time become confused about what she really did see, and for some !#$!$# reason, start to accept this as some sort of "normal," given the situation.
THAT doubles the damage--to not only be abused, but to have no one take it seriously or to have them imply that it is somehow you! And, all of this dismissive crap and sayings that go around regarding SMs, such as suck it up and take it, you knew what you were getting into when you married him, don't take it personally, take the high road, etc., all plays into dismissing SPs' concerns regarding how they being treated and, yes, abused. No one would ever tell, I hope, a woman being abused by a BF to suck it up and take it, or take the high road, BUT when it is a SP potentially being abused by a SK, then, all of these dismissive, dum-dum suck-it-up type sayings come out big time!! Even from professionals. I read all the time professional advice telling SPs to not take it personally, for instance. Well. . . when you are getting your butt kicked, it hurts the same!, whether it was meant personally or not.
So, I sure hope you are correct that more focus is being put on abused stepparents, because for most non-steps, no one thinks such a thing can even exist.
The gun example expecially. See that is EXACTLY what happened to me. I had a gun pointed at me by my ss. Although I was not verbally threatened at the time, I felt threatened. What happened to me was this. I was sitting in the living room watching TV. My ss comes walking in with his high powered rifle that his dad/my dh had purchased for him for christmas. SS sits down on the chair that is catty corned to the couch I was sitting on and lays the rifle accross his lap. He has the barrel pointed in my direction. He then proceeds to push the butt of the rifle down with one hand while the other hand is holding the the barrel. The rifle goes from being pointed at my chest to being pointed at my head and then back to being pointed at my chest. I jumped up and said "Hey, lets not shoot the stepmom!" and left the room. He pretended to be watching tv but I KNOW he was pointing that rifle at me on purpose.
This happened within the first three years or so of my marriage. My ss was living with us at the time. This was also not the only incident. There were two others although no gun was pointed at me.
The first incident. We live out in the country. I had an old washing machine tub in the yard. I know it sounds ghetto but it made a nice fire pit. I enjoyed using it to roast hot dogs & marsh mellows or just to sit out by a fire. Well ss used it for target practice. It angered me that he blasted it and messed it all up.
The second incident. My dh works nites and had left for work. I had my granddaughter spending the nite with me. About an hour after my granddaughter and I went to bed, we hear a LOUD explosion just outside my bedroom window. My granddaughter (about 3 or 4 at the time) immediately sat up and yelled "whats that". I jumped up and ran into the living room just in time to see ss running in from outside. I asked him what he was doing and he said "why?" I then said "I heard an explosion!" and his reply was "well maybe someone is shooting a gun." I then headed for the front door and I heard ss under his breath say "oh no". I stepped out side, but then felt afraid to leave my granddaughter alone with my ss so I stepped back in. I think his rifle was laying out there somewhere but felt hepless to doing anything. I did not want to take my granddaughter outside and I did not want to leave her with my ss.
I said something to my dh after each of these incidents. The response about the wash tub was just a dismissive "he should not have done that but boys will be boys. Dh did ask ss about the second incident but ss denied he was involved at all. The third incident I am made to feel that I totally mis-read what even happened.
Nothing more was said at that time but years later while having a discussion I brought it up. Years later and I was still upset. There was so much building up but it seemed we never confronted and resolved any of our problems with the skids. We would just simply act as if it never happened.
During this particular conversation my dh is aggravated that I bring up stuff that happened years ago. I tell my dh that it is because that problem was NEVER resolved and that we don't resolve problems, we just tack on another. I then said "Well how would you feel having a loaded gun pointed at you? The reply I received from my dh that day upset me AS MUCH AS the actual event with my ss. My dh had never even acknowledged anything about how that situation made me feel. My dh's reply was simply “What makes you think the gun was loaded?”
I was at a loss for words. My dh knew/knows gun safety very well. He has been around guns his whole life. I too was well educated about gun safety AND I knew my ss was also well educated about it. My dh had taught ss about gun safety and the three of us took a gun safety course together.
I at one point told my dh that I think my ss was trying to accidentally on purpose get rid of me. I said that I could have been shot and killed and that ss would get all kinds of sympathy about how it was just a terrible accident.
My dh and I have been married for almost 16 years now. I have 3 skids and we are estranged from 2 of them. Estranged from ss on and off for years and estranged from 1 sd for over 10 years. .
Anyway. I have been reluctant to share my gun story on this site for years. Guess I feel shame that I did not make some heads roll. Today, thanks to you, I felt I had to share. Someone here needs to hear it.
I needed to hear this- this was so very valuable, deep, insightful and somethign we have all experienced. I did not have a gun pointed in my direction but I can't even name the many many times that I have been threatened, my character put into question and treated as if I was not human. A very powerful example. The gun was literally pointed at you.
This is really really accurate. Stepkids are allowed to be mean, nasty, horrible - say things, threaten, villianize the stepparent, take everything she/he does and see it as bad and simply ignore or treat the person like scum. Disrespect is rampant by stepkids and many times celebrated from outsiders, often encouraged. And somehow we are suppose to take it? WIld, I hope this really comes to light about the abust of stepparents on a much larger vocal program - I'd love to see it be pushed into the faces of the public and make them have to see this. This doesn't even address the bio other parent behavior, etc. that stepparents have ot endure.
If SD9 ever added abusive to her list of many, many issues, she'd be out of my house in a heartbeat. If my SO had a problem with that, he could leave with her! Bye, bye!
Let’s use a personal example of my own, and maybe this will bring out other personal examples, while also showing how and why no one takes abuse regarding step-parents that seriously. And, I know from past experiences, particularly from posting on non-steps sites, that most would say I was overreacting and certainly not abused. But, I’m not so sure I wasn’t.
Was I abused by my SD’s wedding? If we go with the definition of abuse I gave above, maybe I was? At my SD’s wedding several years ago, not only was I shut out 100%, sat alone, but I had to unexpectedly watch my DH escort BM down the aisle, arm in arm (something my counselor said she had never heard of years after a divorce). DH and I had been married for 13 years at the time and did a lot with and for his kids. That was when I had it thrown in my face--wedding step hell. There's more that went on that day, such as not being allowed in any of the wedding pictures, finally being allowed in a couple by DH’s insistence, but only to then have them conveniently disappear when their whereabouts were later questioned. There's more, but trying to make a really long story short.
Actually, both my husband and I were Shanghaied, and I get it that DH had no clue either, and what was he supposed to do when right after he handed out the programs, the processional playing, the minister came up to him and told him to take BM’s hand and walk her down the aisle and then come back and get his daughter (p.s., of course I expected him to walk his daughter down the aisle), but really! What a ruse! In hindsight, we were set up for this ahead of time by pretty much all involved, including the Minister. Despite, I still blamed my DH. Husbands are supposed to protect and not go along with throwing their wife under the bus plots, even though they themselves may have been caught off-guard.
So, get over it. No big deal, right!? Despite the fact that my husband and I were husband and wife and had been for years and neither of our permissions were sought regarding who sat with whom or escorted whom, etc., and despite the fact that both my husband and I attended this event expecting to be treated like husband wife because we were husband and wife, and because the ceremony was only 2 hrs. or so, and despite the fact my husband and I both contributed money together and individually, and because supposedly I knew what I was getting into when I married a man with children from a previous relationship, and because you just can’t take these things personally when you are a SP, and because clergy, the minister himself seemed to be in on all of this, and because children want to honor their bio-parents on their wedding day and have them hang out like the good ol’ days (never mind if either one has since remarried), and because of the fact that there were dozens and dozens of people present, I am supposed to suck it up and take it.
Therefore, the story goes, I wasn’t abused, and if I'm upset, well, it's all on me! I'm just overreacting. Despite the fact that the only time a husband and wife are ever seated separately at a wedding is when it is bio-dad and SM, this wasn’t an act of cruelty, no! All it was was just totally negating someone’s existence and role (my role as a wife, dad’s wife) to make a family of divorce happy (despite the fact that bio-dad, my DH wasn’t happy). Certainly we should all have the expectation that dad's wife be a sacrificial lamb in this case, shouldn't we? She should be willing to go along with such vs. feeling offended.
Or, just maybe, was I, the stepparent in this case, being abused, treated cruelly? Semi- perhaps? And is semi-abuse, if there is such a thing, OK if we can delude ourselves into thinking that the person should have seen it coming? And, who would ever see it coming? Who would expect a husband and wife to see it coming, that the wife is going to be replaced by an ex- whenever the ex- or her children feel like doing so? No permissions needed. Does clergy, ministers really think that is OK? Lots of questions. Personally, I can’t even say for sure I was abused. But, considering the fact that my world seemed to fall apart right after that, and I had to see a counselor, and question my own marriage, something horrible sure as H- went on. And, I’m not alone at all in someone or a group of someones trying to negate my existence and role, repeatedly. Each and every SP has at least 100 stories just like this.
Yes you were abused. I hurt for you in this situation. The consequences of failed and toxic parenting never seems to stop hurting good people. I really couldn't give a crap about the toxic perpetrators and minions of failed parenting.
I am so sorry you had to experience that pain.
Hind site being far easie to respond with in toxic situations.... "Sorry Rev. You walk her down the isle. I will not honor her with my hand. I will escort my daughter as is my right and honor as her father. Now scoot along! Buh-bye." Would have sent exactly the right message IMHO.
That would have been great--to put it back in the Rev.'s lap. Hmm, what would he have stated to my DH? I see him grabbing my DH by the neck, bringing him closer and whispering in his ear, "She's the mother of your child, so walk her down the aisle, for God's sake?" To which my DH could have replied, "If everyone here was expected to escort the mother or father of their children to this event vs. their spouse, then you'd have a riot on your hands." "Do not ask me to do something you wouldn't ask every other married person to do, because what you are asking me to do is abandon my spouse to escort another." Nice to think about, but part of what I've had to accept about my DH (not just because of this event, but others) is that he only has one ball, tops. Oh, well. . . . Work in progress.
This is abuse. I've said this several times on this site and pointed out actions that are abuse and called it abuse. Lots of good meaning folks have come up with other words to use and have said- no...not abuse. Their choice. But when we decide to mince words and not just call it for what it is we are giving these stepkids a PASS. This is abuse. So is ignoring someone's existence, so is not acknowledging a person for decades, so is all the little crap behaviors to dehumanize someone or let them know they do not matter. This is abuse. And for ALLLL those adult stepkids who feign innocence, hold themselves up to be the most religious and goodliest people on the earth - I'd argue their maker is going to come down hard on them for this stuff and they are going to have to answer and they can't "pretend" at that point to be the victim - they'll have to actually face it all since they never faced the abuse they inflicted in their mortal life and maybe they don't go to heaven or get reincarnated as a cow...maybe they have to experience the pain they have inflicted- I gurantee if they had to experience 10% of what most of us experienced as stepparents they would be traumatized, scarred and permanently damaged.
idvilen that sounds horrible and i would look at it as emotional abuse. To be treated like that and to be made to feel as if your not thr 'real' wife is just saddening
She definitely abused me emotionally. I texted her "go with love". and meant it. GO.
Shes called me names and lied about me. Its all in the past now, but occasionally she will ask to move back in with us DH always likes to say "better talk it over with Clove." Crickets.
Shes living with her mother now, Toxic Troll. They fight and argue and go after each other. Supposedly FF has been given a 60-day notice to vacate. We shall see. Mother of the year wants her baybee...
I think I've been emotionally and financially abused...not necessarily by any one specific person (maybe OSD on the emotional side when she was going through her dark period) but by the entire first-family-centric/kid-centric world we live in.
I mean...when I cook dinner for a family of 5 and no one offers to help clean up and they all go off and start a game or a movie before food is put away...that may not technically be abuse but it FEELS abusive.
Physically though? No...never. Never even threatened or experienced a raised voice.
Yep. A great example is when you make the meal, they criticize it but eat it all then they leave with no gratitude and you're left to clean up. This recently happened when I made a meal and the adult SKIDs are saying - not enough this, not enough that, one altered it by crushing chips on top of it -which...nmot sure it really added anything but salt . ATE the whole meal- it couldn't have been that bad right? Grunts, pushes the bowl back, makes a face of disatisfaction and begins on a list of how it could be improved. A total F you and they didn't even flinch. I am so used to this abuse from them that I listened to it and then said, "well it couldn't have been too bad you ate all of it." Which was met with a blank stare and getting up and going. This is totally typical of what I deal with and these are not children anymore !
Well played on the ending. However, I would advise playing that level of confrontation through every bite. One sigh, confront it. One comment about what it needs, confront it, do not let them ride their delusion snd rudeness uncountered.
Every thing they do that is snarky, disrepectful, unappreciated, etc..... bare their ass instantly. And add in a quick yank on DH's short and curlies with a "Are you going to finally parent or are you going to let these rude kidults that are your parental failures keep their toxic crap rolling. Please, man up."
THIS is the point where the step parent stops cooking and it is now the bio parent's responsibility.
Frankly, IMO, saying those words to one's spouse is toxic and the beginning of the end. Do you honestly believe that disrespecting your spouse in front of others is healthy??? It doesn't matter if it's the skids. Disrespect will not be forgotten.
My DH was a Disney Dad. WAS. It took me stepping back from everything and forcing him to step up that was the catalyst for Death of a Disney Dad. And by forcing, I don't mean I degraded him. I simply stepped back and he had no choice but to step up. You can call it MANNING UP, if you like. And I made the choice to Man Up and let him do his job: poorly or well.
I am a tree: I bend. My way - which was wrong - did not work. But my husband is a strong man and he was determined to raise strong, productive children. He found his way when I got out of the way and left him to do all of it. But I never disrespected him or spoke to him in a toxic, degrading way. That is neither conducive nor helpful. There are ways to constructively convey criticism. Look for ways to put a positive spin on the negative without verbally vomiting on your partner.
Aniki-Moderator - is it possible this is in reference to another post? I didn't degrade my DH at all and there isn't any content that says that just that the SKIDs were terribly ungrateful for my cooking and I found their criticisms of what I made to be abusive - long standing attacks, typically I don't cook for them anymore - this just happened to be an exception so we didn't spend a zillion dollars at another resturant. My DH SHOULD have put them in their place, the only person that did was me by asking "If it was so bad than why did you eat all of it?"
UPDATE: ....wait I think you are responding to @Rags. Slow uptake overhere but I am catching on (sips her coffee and wakes up.)
When a mate disrespects us by failing to address the rude behaviors of their children, being upleasantly direct often has to occur to shake their tree and to get them to find an effective way to deal with their children. When what they have long been doing does not work, it is not wrong for a SParent to demand effectiveness and bare the failure of the long used waste of effort methods used by the BP mate.
Fortunately, true partners can collaborate and figure it out. We have never had to to do these things in our marriage and family. Not that DW and I have not had disagreements. We certainly have. But..... some people need the brick wall to smack them in the head to get them to move to a different and actually effective path.
When the unstoppable force repeatedly meets the immovable object, the rational mate has to move the ineffective mate to a different path to accomplish the goal of effectively addressing the ineffective efforts of the situationally blind mate.
I wont use the word victim so I do not give them more power over me but yes I am the survivor of physical and mental abuse inflicted upon me by minor stepchildren
There are no resources for ppl like me and the cops do not take us seriously because we are adults and they are minors. We are also told to leave our own homes or our partners if the stepchildren are so bad to us. No one thinks of the financial or emotional ramifications because everyone caters to the minor children including law enforcement and counseling
Because specifically stepmothers get a bad rep due to lots of criminal shows featuring examples of stepmothers murdering or abusing stepchildren in their care, no one believes us and even if they do, they think there must be a reason why the stepchildren are acting abusive and we deserve it
There is no literature or workshops or protections for women in this situation. Stepfathers are highly praised and protected mostly because they are men and the women they are with tend to put them on pedestals and give them a high rank for the child to see and respect. As a matter of fact you will find that abusive stepfathers are allowed to operate for years without ever being bothered by the law or questioned by their partners
When stepmothers are victims of murders by their stepchildren, there is always a convo about how they must have deserved it or the child probably did that as a reaction to some sort of abuse....
Its hard to be the black sheep for everything in life and even harder when partners dont disclose their childrens behavioral issues upfront
This is very true. I agree. My SKIDs are now grown - I used to allow them to berate my cooking, cleaning, everything I did. I didn't know better back then. As they became adults their behavior didn't modify - that's when I started holding a line. One SKID sort of tried to be a bit better, he still criticizes me to some extent - I allow him to sleep at the house on holidays but NO extended stays, the other did not thus he's not allowed to stay over and minimal contact. It's a pretty low bar that they have to do to win me over but they don't do it. We caught one SKID straight up lieing to us and really lieing to his dad. Very frustrating and sad. The deception has bothered me just as much as the constant criticism, verbal abuse- gossiping and villianizing me to outsiders. Now that they are physically bigger than me and adults I do not TOLERATE that kind of crap in my house and I have let go of going above and beyond. I do basics but DH and I come first. I also watch the actions over the "words." Lots and lots of broken promises. We'll see- I keep an eye out for if someone is on good behavior - if they do I am willing to pay attention, otherwise they can crawl back into their hole.
As they get older, you will notice a pattern in their life. Once you are removed or far from their personal situations, they will start finding another person to abuse emotionally or blame for their shortcomings. We are just glorified punching bags for society at large. They end up abusing their partners, especially boys. OSS22 has recently revealed that him and his ex gf used to fist fight. I was shocked and asked why would you hit her? He said she would be disrespectful or hit him and he responded the same way? Coming from him and knowing how he is (he has hit me before in a separate incident), i know he has a deep seeded hate for women and does not respect them outside of his mother. This is because BM1 is a former stripper and sex worker who had a very loose life with multiple men around her children and she showed an image of a loose weak woman used and abused by men...
Role models matter....When something is wrong with the parents, be sure that it will come back on you tenfolds. Especially male stepchildren vs stepmothers
This is VERY interesting 1st3rd5thWEinHell - you are correct on this. I think one SKID is a covert narcissist, kind of hangs on to his pain and victimhood while lashing out to scapegoat or emotionally abuse me. I am literally blamed for everything. At first I just tried harder in their early 20s but the behavior for them escalated. Then I began to completely disengage - now 1-2 times a year everyone tries to pull me back into the dynamics. I don't ask anything, I don't offer advice or interesting insight ever- I try to see them once or twice a year maximum in very small increments. Even in these small doses - everything is scrutizined. Most recently nothing could be found after a short visit but adult male SKID decided to very publicly reject me in front of the entire family. DH really did a good job confronting it - it was very rejecting and abusive- one might even say inhumane. Rather than review and understand his horrible act, SKID went into a litany of things SM has to modify for behavior and then begins to share that he's got his entire wife's family rallying against stepmom and watching her on social media channels etc. Once again, he's the victim against bad stepmom after he was the abusive one. I was soooo pissed and really wanted to say something but that's exactly what they were trying to do to pull me back in- so I disengaged. Now SKID goes to dad and wants to know why stepmom doesn't come around?
Followeed by an RO/ PO to keep them away from you and your home. The failed family prior breeder partner can leave with the spawn during their COd time.
I just keep anyone not acting right at an arm's length- I've learned the victim act is a front. Boundaries are firmly in place and slightly different pending on the SKID and their previous pattern of behavior.
My Skid would not ever even
My Skid would not ever even think of being abusive towards me.... or my wife (his mother). Just as I would never have considered being abusive towards my own parents.
Abusive Kids should have a healthy fear of disappearing in the woods or during an off shore fishing trip. Particularly kids who would even think of abusing a parent. Regardless of what prefix that parent may have applied to their parental status.
Had I ever even thought of raising a hand to my mother I would have woken up on the kitchen floor with the permanent indention of a cast iron pan somewhere on my face or skull. As should be the case for any adult abusing child or.... child abusing adult for that matter. And when dad got home, the consequences would have become extremely unpleasant. By comparison, the cast iron skillet to the skull would be down right enjoyable.
As it should be.
For those who take exception to indention inducing consequences, if I had a violent abuse kid/skid in my home I would have Mace and a TAZER on my hip at all times and would season and fry the violent pelvic refuse liberally when they attempted to be abusive.
smh
That this is even a thing is beyond belief.
And you would go to jail -
And you would go to jail - but it sounds really cool in print, right?
When I was 16 6'1" and
When I was 16 6'1" and outweighed my 5'1" mom by at least 50Lbs she asked me to take out the trash. I once told her "You do it!" I woke up on the kitchen floor after she knocked me out cold with hard bare fist. I hopped up, said "Yes Ma'am" took out the trash and never messed with her again.
She did not go to jail and in all likelihood I would have been the one taken away in cuffs if I had called the police.
Kids having a healthy fear of their parents is no crime. If anything, it prevents crime like parent abuse.
In the short time I've been
In the short time I've been on this site, you've really come across as someone with a very black and white view, there is little to zero gray in there. I think the OP was alluding to psychological or emotional abuse. You went straight to the physical, which is unacceptable from them but equally unacceptable from us. Hitting children in the way you describe is just plain wrong, even some of these Skidmark Skids from Hell.
Yep. I don't deal in grey.
Yep. I don't deal in grey.
I wouldn't let anyone abuse
I wouldn't let anyone abuse me in my own home, much less a stepkid.
SO would lose his shit if SSs
SO would lose his shit if SSs ever threaten me or touch me. He raised his sons to respect others especially women.
There are so many on here who deal with way more than I could deal with. I hope they find the right path.
Physcially abused, no,
Physcially abused, no, although one time his daughter did pull on my hair roughly but I believe it was an accident. Emotionally abused yes. I have been called names, lied about, ignored, talked back to, and accused of doing things I never did by his kids. His kids would throw things at, punch and grab one another. If they ever did it to me I would not have tolerated it.
I would imagine this would be
I would imagine this would be the category most SPs would fall into--not physically abused, but mentally or emotionally abused. Then, you get into that whole area of what is and isn't abuse. Largely accepted definition: To treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. And, to speak in an insulting and offensive way to or about (someone).
HOWEVER, the one thing that gets me really PO'd regarding this topic and stepparents is, and Iamwoman alludes to this below, the dismissive attitude most seem to have when stepparents make any sort of statement or claim whatsoever that they are being or were abused. This is why when you mention the term stepparents and being abuse, you also have to throw the term gaslighting in there, big time. As in, any stepparents who complains of such, will surely get gaslighted by others, including their own spouse or SO oftentimes, into thinking it was really not that bad, and kids will be kids and such. THIS happens a lot more than most would care to know.
I always said that if a SS, for example, pointed a loaded gun at his SM and threatened her, and the SM went running to her husband and his family with this info., she'd be told: Clearly, she must be mistaken, as I'm sure little Timmy never would threatened her, and if he did, well. . . he didn't mean it and was just having a bad day and teenagers will be teenagers. SM would further be told that she needs to get over it and that it was little to nothing. SM, being the odd one out, would then slowly and over time become confused about what she really did see, and for some !#$!$# reason, start to accept this as some sort of "normal," given the situation.
THAT doubles the damage--to not only be abused, but to have no one take it seriously or to have them imply that it is somehow you! And, all of this dismissive crap and sayings that go around regarding SMs, such as suck it up and take it, you knew what you were getting into when you married him, don't take it personally, take the high road, etc., all plays into dismissing SPs' concerns regarding how they being treated and, yes, abused. No one would ever tell, I hope, a woman being abused by a BF to suck it up and take it, or take the high road, BUT when it is a SP potentially being abused by a SK, then, all of these dismissive, dum-dum suck-it-up type sayings come out big time!! Even from professionals. I read all the time professional advice telling SPs to not take it personally, for instance. Well. . . when you are getting your butt kicked, it hurts the same!, whether it was meant personally or not.
So, I sure hope you are correct that more focus is being put on abused stepparents, because for most non-steps, no one thinks such a thing can even exist.
You are so spot on!
You are so spot on!
The gun example expecially. See that is EXACTLY what happened to me. I had a gun pointed at me by my ss. Although I was not verbally threatened at the time, I felt threatened. What happened to me was this. I was sitting in the living room watching TV. My ss comes walking in with his high powered rifle that his dad/my dh had purchased for him for christmas. SS sits down on the chair that is catty corned to the couch I was sitting on and lays the rifle accross his lap. He has the barrel pointed in my direction. He then proceeds to push the butt of the rifle down with one hand while the other hand is holding the the barrel. The rifle goes from being pointed at my chest to being pointed at my head and then back to being pointed at my chest. I jumped up and said "Hey, lets not shoot the stepmom!" and left the room. He pretended to be watching tv but I KNOW he was pointing that rifle at me on purpose.
This happened within the first three years or so of my marriage. My ss was living with us at the time. This was also not the only incident. There were two others although no gun was pointed at me.
The first incident. We live out in the country. I had an old washing machine tub in the yard. I know it sounds ghetto but it made a nice fire pit. I enjoyed using it to roast hot dogs & marsh mellows or just to sit out by a fire. Well ss used it for target practice. It angered me that he blasted it and messed it all up.
The second incident. My dh works nites and had left for work. I had my granddaughter spending the nite with me. About an hour after my granddaughter and I went to bed, we hear a LOUD explosion just outside my bedroom window. My granddaughter (about 3 or 4 at the time) immediately sat up and yelled "whats that". I jumped up and ran into the living room just in time to see ss running in from outside. I asked him what he was doing and he said "why?" I then said "I heard an explosion!" and his reply was "well maybe someone is shooting a gun." I then headed for the front door and I heard ss under his breath say "oh no". I stepped out side, but then felt afraid to leave my granddaughter alone with my ss so I stepped back in. I think his rifle was laying out there somewhere but felt hepless to doing anything. I did not want to take my granddaughter outside and I did not want to leave her with my ss.
I said something to my dh after each of these incidents. The response about the wash tub was just a dismissive "he should not have done that but boys will be boys. Dh did ask ss about the second incident but ss denied he was involved at all. The third incident I am made to feel that I totally mis-read what even happened.
Nothing more was said at that time but years later while having a discussion I brought it up. Years later and I was still upset. There was so much building up but it seemed we never confronted and resolved any of our problems with the skids. We would just simply act as if it never happened.
During this particular conversation my dh is aggravated that I bring up stuff that happened years ago. I tell my dh that it is because that problem was NEVER resolved and that we don't resolve problems, we just tack on another. I then said "Well how would you feel having a loaded gun pointed at you? The reply I received from my dh that day upset me AS MUCH AS the actual event with my ss. My dh had never even acknowledged anything about how that situation made me feel. My dh's reply was simply “What makes you think the gun was loaded?”
I was at a loss for words. My dh knew/knows gun safety very well. He has been around guns his whole life. I too was well educated about gun safety AND I knew my ss was also well educated about it. My dh had taught ss about gun safety and the three of us took a gun safety course together.
I at one point told my dh that I think my ss was trying to accidentally on purpose get rid of me. I said that I could have been shot and killed and that ss would get all kinds of sympathy about how it was just a terrible accident.
My dh and I have been married for almost 16 years now. I have 3 skids and we are estranged from 2 of them. Estranged from ss on and off for years and estranged from 1 sd for over 10 years. .
Anyway. I have been reluctant to share my gun story on this site for years. Guess I feel shame that I did not make some heads roll. Today, thanks to you, I felt I had to share. Someone here needs to hear it.
Thanks for listening.
I needed to hear this- this
I needed to hear this- this was so very valuable, deep, insightful and somethign we have all experienced. I did not have a gun pointed in my direction but I can't even name the many many times that I have been threatened, my character put into question and treated as if I was not human. A very powerful example. The gun was literally pointed at you.
This is really really
This is really really accurate. Stepkids are allowed to be mean, nasty, horrible - say things, threaten, villianize the stepparent, take everything she/he does and see it as bad and simply ignore or treat the person like scum. Disrespect is rampant by stepkids and many times celebrated from outsiders, often encouraged. And somehow we are suppose to take it? WIld, I hope this really comes to light about the abust of stepparents on a much larger vocal program - I'd love to see it be pushed into the faces of the public and make them have to see this. This doesn't even address the bio other parent behavior, etc. that stepparents have ot endure.
If SD9 ever added abusive to
If SD9 ever added abusive to her list of many, many issues, she'd be out of my house in a heartbeat. If my SO had a problem with that, he could leave with her! Bye, bye!
Let’s use a personal example
Let’s use a personal example of my own, and maybe this will bring out other personal examples, while also showing how and why no one takes abuse regarding step-parents that seriously. And, I know from past experiences, particularly from posting on non-steps sites, that most would say I was overreacting and certainly not abused. But, I’m not so sure I wasn’t.
Was I abused by my SD’s wedding? If we go with the definition of abuse I gave above, maybe I was? At my SD’s wedding several years ago, not only was I shut out 100%, sat alone, but I had to unexpectedly watch my DH escort BM down the aisle, arm in arm (something my counselor said she had never heard of years after a divorce). DH and I had been married for 13 years at the time and did a lot with and for his kids. That was when I had it thrown in my face--wedding step hell. There's more that went on that day, such as not being allowed in any of the wedding pictures, finally being allowed in a couple by DH’s insistence, but only to then have them conveniently disappear when their whereabouts were later questioned. There's more, but trying to make a really long story short.
Actually, both my husband and I were Shanghaied, and I get it that DH had no clue either, and what was he supposed to do when right after he handed out the programs, the processional playing, the minister came up to him and told him to take BM’s hand and walk her down the aisle and then come back and get his daughter (p.s., of course I expected him to walk his daughter down the aisle), but really! What a ruse! In hindsight, we were set up for this ahead of time by pretty much all involved, including the Minister. Despite, I still blamed my DH. Husbands are supposed to protect and not go along with throwing their wife under the bus plots, even though they themselves may have been caught off-guard.
So, get over it. No big deal, right!? Despite the fact that my husband and I were husband and wife and had been for years and neither of our permissions were sought regarding who sat with whom or escorted whom, etc., and despite the fact that both my husband and I attended this event expecting to be treated like husband wife because we were husband and wife, and because the ceremony was only 2 hrs. or so, and despite the fact my husband and I both contributed money together and individually, and because supposedly I knew what I was getting into when I married a man with children from a previous relationship, and because you just can’t take these things personally when you are a SP, and because clergy, the minister himself seemed to be in on all of this, and because children want to honor their bio-parents on their wedding day and have them hang out like the good ol’ days (never mind if either one has since remarried), and because of the fact that there were dozens and dozens of people present, I am supposed to suck it up and take it.
Therefore, the story goes, I wasn’t abused, and if I'm upset, well, it's all on me! I'm just overreacting. Despite the fact that the only time a husband and wife are ever seated separately at a wedding is when it is bio-dad and SM, this wasn’t an act of cruelty, no! All it was was just totally negating someone’s existence and role (my role as a wife, dad’s wife) to make a family of divorce happy (despite the fact that bio-dad, my DH wasn’t happy). Certainly we should all have the expectation that dad's wife be a sacrificial lamb in this case, shouldn't we? She should be willing to go along with such vs. feeling offended.
Or, just maybe, was I, the stepparent in this case, being abused, treated cruelly? Semi- perhaps? And is semi-abuse, if there is such a thing, OK if we can delude ourselves into thinking that the person should have seen it coming? And, who would ever see it coming? Who would expect a husband and wife to see it coming, that the wife is going to be replaced by an ex- whenever the ex- or her children feel like doing so? No permissions needed. Does clergy, ministers really think that is OK? Lots of questions. Personally, I can’t even say for sure I was abused. But, considering the fact that my world seemed to fall apart right after that, and I had to see a counselor, and question my own marriage, something horrible sure as H- went on. And, I’m not alone at all in someone or a group of someones trying to negate my existence and role, repeatedly. Each and every SP has at least 100 stories just like this.
Yes you were abused. I hurt
Yes you were abused. I hurt for you in this situation. The consequences of failed and toxic parenting never seems to stop hurting good people. I really couldn't give a crap about the toxic perpetrators and minions of failed parenting.
I am so sorry you had to experience that pain.
Hind site being far easie to respond with in toxic situations.... "Sorry Rev. You walk her down the isle. I will not honor her with my hand. I will escort my daughter as is my right and honor as her father. Now scoot along! Buh-bye." Would have sent exactly the right message IMHO.
That would have been great-
That would have been great--to put it back in the Rev.'s lap. Hmm, what would he have stated to my DH? I see him grabbing my DH by the neck, bringing him closer and whispering in his ear, "She's the mother of your child, so walk her down the aisle, for God's sake?" To which my DH could have replied, "If everyone here was expected to escort the mother or father of their children to this event vs. their spouse, then you'd have a riot on your hands." "Do not ask me to do something you wouldn't ask every other married person to do, because what you are asking me to do is abandon my spouse to escort another." Nice to think about, but part of what I've had to accept about my DH (not just because of this event, but others) is that he only has one ball, tops. Oh, well. . . . Work in progress.
This is abuse. I've said this
This is abuse. I've said this several times on this site and pointed out actions that are abuse and called it abuse. Lots of good meaning folks have come up with other words to use and have said- no...not abuse. Their choice. But when we decide to mince words and not just call it for what it is we are giving these stepkids a PASS. This is abuse. So is ignoring someone's existence, so is not acknowledging a person for decades, so is all the little crap behaviors to dehumanize someone or let them know they do not matter. This is abuse. And for ALLLL those adult stepkids who feign innocence, hold themselves up to be the most religious and goodliest people on the earth - I'd argue their maker is going to come down hard on them for this stuff and they are going to have to answer and they can't "pretend" at that point to be the victim - they'll have to actually face it all since they never faced the abuse they inflicted in their mortal life and maybe they don't go to heaven or get reincarnated as a cow...maybe they have to experience the pain they have inflicted- I gurantee if they had to experience 10% of what most of us experienced as stepparents they would be traumatized, scarred and permanently damaged.
idvilen that sounds horrible
idvilen that sounds horrible and i would look at it as emotional abuse. To be treated like that and to be made to feel as if your not thr 'real' wife is just saddening
SD21 Feral Forger
She definitely abused me emotionally. I texted her "go with love". and meant it. GO.
Shes called me names and lied about me. Its all in the past now, but occasionally she will ask to move back in with us DH always likes to say "better talk it over with Clove." Crickets.
Shes living with her mother now, Toxic Troll. They fight and argue and go after each other. Supposedly FF has been given a 60-day notice to vacate. We shall see. Mother of the year wants her baybee...
I think I've been emotionally
I think I've been emotionally and financially abused...not necessarily by any one specific person (maybe OSD on the emotional side when she was going through her dark period) but by the entire first-family-centric/kid-centric world we live in.
I mean...when I cook dinner for a family of 5 and no one offers to help clean up and they all go off and start a game or a movie before food is put away...that may not technically be abuse but it FEELS abusive.
Physically though? No...never. Never even threatened or experienced a raised voice.
Yep. A great example is when
Yep. A great example is when you make the meal, they criticize it but eat it all then they leave with no gratitude and you're left to clean up. This recently happened when I made a meal and the adult SKIDs are saying - not enough this, not enough that, one altered it by crushing chips on top of it -which...nmot sure it really added anything but salt . ATE the whole meal- it couldn't have been that bad right? Grunts, pushes the bowl back, makes a face of disatisfaction and begins on a list of how it could be improved. A total F you and they didn't even flinch. I am so used to this abuse from them that I listened to it and then said, "well it couldn't have been too bad you ate all of it." Which was met with a blank stare and getting up and going. This is totally typical of what I deal with and these are not children anymore !
Well played on the ending.
Well played on the ending. However, I would advise playing that level of confrontation through every bite. One sigh, confront it. One comment about what it needs, confront it, do not let them ride their delusion snd rudeness uncountered.
Every thing they do that is snarky, disrepectful, unappreciated, etc..... bare their ass instantly. And add in a quick yank on DH's short and curlies with a "Are you going to finally parent or are you going to let these rude kidults that are your parental failures keep their toxic crap rolling. Please, man up."
Grrrrrr.
Thanks @Rags - yeah..
Thanks @Rags - yeah...everyone in this scenario needs to man up. I appreciate YOU !
THIS is the point where the
THIS is the point where the step parent stops cooking and it is now the bio parent's responsibility.
Frankly, IMO, saying those words to one's spouse is toxic and the beginning of the end. Do you honestly believe that disrespecting your spouse in front of others is healthy??? It doesn't matter if it's the skids. Disrespect will not be forgotten.
My DH was a Disney Dad. WAS. It took me stepping back from everything and forcing him to step up that was the catalyst for Death of a Disney Dad. And by forcing, I don't mean I degraded him. I simply stepped back and he had no choice but to step up. You can call it MANNING UP, if you like. And I made the choice to Man Up and let him do his job: poorly or well.
I am a tree: I bend. My way - which was wrong - did not work. But my husband is a strong man and he was determined to raise strong, productive children. He found his way when I got out of the way and left him to do all of it. But I never disrespected him or spoke to him in a toxic, degrading way. That is neither conducive nor helpful. There are ways to constructively convey criticism. Look for ways to put a positive spin on the negative without verbally vomiting on your partner.
Aniki-Moderator - is it
Aniki-Moderator - is it possible this is in reference to another post? I didn't degrade my DH at all and there isn't any content that says that just that the SKIDs were terribly ungrateful for my cooking and I found their criticisms of what I made to be abusive - long standing attacks, typically I don't cook for them anymore - this just happened to be an exception so we didn't spend a zillion dollars at another resturant. My DH SHOULD have put them in their place, the only person that did was me by asking "If it was so bad than why did you eat all of it?"
UPDATE: ....wait I think you are responding to @Rags. Slow uptake overhere but I am catching on (sips her coffee and wakes up.)
When a mate disrespects us by
When a mate disrespects us by failing to address the rude behaviors of their children, being upleasantly direct often has to occur to shake their tree and to get them to find an effective way to deal with their children. When what they have long been doing does not work, it is not wrong for a SParent to demand effectiveness and bare the failure of the long used waste of effort methods used by the BP mate.
Fortunately, true partners can collaborate and figure it out. We have never had to to do these things in our marriage and family. Not that DW and I have not had disagreements. We certainly have. But..... some people need the brick wall to smack them in the head to get them to move to a different and actually effective path.
When the unstoppable force repeatedly meets the immovable object, the rational mate has to move the ineffective mate to a different path to accomplish the goal of effectively addressing the ineffective efforts of the situationally blind mate.
So to speak.
This is very true @Rags. I
This is very true @Rags. I like the physics analogy too.
I wont use the word victim so
I wont use the word victim so I do not give them more power over me but yes I am the survivor of physical and mental abuse inflicted upon me by minor stepchildren
There are no resources for ppl like me and the cops do not take us seriously because we are adults and they are minors. We are also told to leave our own homes or our partners if the stepchildren are so bad to us. No one thinks of the financial or emotional ramifications because everyone caters to the minor children including law enforcement and counseling
Because specifically stepmothers get a bad rep due to lots of criminal shows featuring examples of stepmothers murdering or abusing stepchildren in their care, no one believes us and even if they do, they think there must be a reason why the stepchildren are acting abusive and we deserve it
There is no literature or workshops or protections for women in this situation. Stepfathers are highly praised and protected mostly because they are men and the women they are with tend to put them on pedestals and give them a high rank for the child to see and respect. As a matter of fact you will find that abusive stepfathers are allowed to operate for years without ever being bothered by the law or questioned by their partners
When stepmothers are victims of murders by their stepchildren, there is always a convo about how they must have deserved it or the child probably did that as a reaction to some sort of abuse....
Its hard to be the black sheep for everything in life and even harder when partners dont disclose their childrens behavioral issues upfront
This is very true. I agree.
This is very true. I agree. My SKIDs are now grown - I used to allow them to berate my cooking, cleaning, everything I did. I didn't know better back then. As they became adults their behavior didn't modify - that's when I started holding a line. One SKID sort of tried to be a bit better, he still criticizes me to some extent - I allow him to sleep at the house on holidays but NO extended stays, the other did not thus he's not allowed to stay over and minimal contact. It's a pretty low bar that they have to do to win me over but they don't do it. We caught one SKID straight up lieing to us and really lieing to his dad. Very frustrating and sad. The deception has bothered me just as much as the constant criticism, verbal abuse- gossiping and villianizing me to outsiders. Now that they are physically bigger than me and adults I do not TOLERATE that kind of crap in my house and I have let go of going above and beyond. I do basics but DH and I come first. I also watch the actions over the "words." Lots and lots of broken promises. We'll see- I keep an eye out for if someone is on good behavior - if they do I am willing to pay attention, otherwise they can crawl back into their hole.
As they get older, you will
As they get older, you will notice a pattern in their life. Once you are removed or far from their personal situations, they will start finding another person to abuse emotionally or blame for their shortcomings. We are just glorified punching bags for society at large. They end up abusing their partners, especially boys. OSS22 has recently revealed that him and his ex gf used to fist fight. I was shocked and asked why would you hit her? He said she would be disrespectful or hit him and he responded the same way? Coming from him and knowing how he is (he has hit me before in a separate incident), i know he has a deep seeded hate for women and does not respect them outside of his mother. This is because BM1 is a former stripper and sex worker who had a very loose life with multiple men around her children and she showed an image of a loose weak woman used and abused by men...
Role models matter....When something is wrong with the parents, be sure that it will come back on you tenfolds. Especially male stepchildren vs stepmothers
This is VERY interesting
This is VERY interesting 1st3rd5thWEinHell - you are correct on this. I think one SKID is a covert narcissist, kind of hangs on to his pain and victimhood while lashing out to scapegoat or emotionally abuse me. I am literally blamed for everything. At first I just tried harder in their early 20s but the behavior for them escalated. Then I began to completely disengage - now 1-2 times a year everyone tries to pull me back into the dynamics. I don't ask anything, I don't offer advice or interesting insight ever- I try to see them once or twice a year maximum in very small increments. Even in these small doses - everything is scrutizined. Most recently nothing could be found after a short visit but adult male SKID decided to very publicly reject me in front of the entire family. DH really did a good job confronting it - it was very rejecting and abusive- one might even say inhumane. Rather than review and understand his horrible act, SKID went into a litany of things SM has to modify for behavior and then begins to share that he's got his entire wife's family rallying against stepmom and watching her on social media channels etc. Once again, he's the victim against bad stepmom after he was the abusive one. I was soooo pissed and really wanted to say something but that's exactly what they were trying to do to pull me back in- so I disengaged. Now SKID goes to dad and wants to know why stepmom doesn't come around?
Delete duplicate.
Delete duplicate.
Web cams then press charges.
Web cams then press charges.
Followeed by an RO/ PO to keep them away from you and your home. The failed family prior breeder partner can leave with the spawn during their COd time.
I just keep anyone not acting
I just keep anyone not acting right at an arm's length- I've learned the victim act is a front. Boundaries are firmly in place and slightly different pending on the SKID and their previous pattern of behavior.