I discovered in myself in high school an ability to differentiate between people who were important to me in my life and those that weren't. As a result I was able to ignore the opinions and actions of those who were not.

When I realized that my attempts to parent my teen steps was fruitless I used that same technique or ability to turn off any need to change my wifes parenting techniques. I.e. how these kids turned out was irrelevent to my life so I was able to ignore what was happening.

So many times on this Forum I read posts from people who just get so angry at their special other's parenting techniques. I try to convince them if they just alter their own mind set they can mentally walk away from it.

After all what would have happened if you never came along? Well most likely everything would turn out just fine that's what. Billions of kids are being raised today without your help and will come out just fine. So will your step's most likely and in the unlikely chance they don't your intervention would only have made it worse.

This technique would be especially useful when someone is angry with how their SO's ex is treating them or the perception of that treatment. Realizing that nobody cares what the ex thinks of you relieves one of reacting to the ex's actions or words.

I keep my replies to a minimum because I am not a stepparent. There are many, many times when I would like to tell a stepparent that the behavior they find so frustrating has nothing at all to do with them as a step. It's how kids behave. The sullen teen is probably smart-mouthing her own mother MORE than her step mother. It's nothing personal. ("Personal" is the wrong word--it's definitely personal--but the phrase helps me keep things in perspective.) I think coming to that realization is part of what disengaging is.

This site has helped me tremendously in dealing with my own daughter. It has helped me to see that, yes! my own attitudes and motives play a role in the relationship dynamic. It has helped me to cut through the awful noise so that I can concentrate on what I want to accomplish, a self-sufficient productive adult.

My daughter is rude, thoughtless, mean, selfish, petty, verbally abusive and frequently stupid. I'd like to throw her in the dungeon. Instead, I'm working toward getting her to go to college, get good grades, work a job, own a car, and rent her own apartment. THIS YEAR. Her foul mouth is meaningless. Her attitude is her problem, not mine. Because of StepTalk, I don't couch things in terms of how they affect me. It does no good. I tell her how her behavior will hurt her. She behaves badly anyway. Not my future, not my problem. Bioparents can disengage, too.

I still get frustrated and I still fly off the handle, but focusing on what is truly important and letting the rest go has made a positive difference--not in our relationship (it sucks), but in my approach to parenting and in my peace of mind. I ask myself, which is more important, that she is polite to me, or that she can balance a checkbook?

I agree with Orange. Kids grow up with or without us. My daughter will be who she is. The best thing I can do is prepare her to leave me. Once you realize that that's your purpose, the rest is merely a distraction.

Oddly enough I have no rage, per say, towards BM. She is just... a broken person who made some really bad decisions in life, who doesn't understand true love, because all she knows is manipulation and anger and terrorism.

And I think that is so sad and pitiful. I feel like everyone should experience, and more importantly, recognize the love that have been given to me in life. I am LUCKY compared to her. More lucky than I could ever say, because I have a conscience.

She is the result of a lifetime of entitlement, and a product of her childhood abuse (which may or may not be true), and of her own sociopathy and insecurities. If I had gone through what she had when she was young (allegedly), perhaps I would be as angry, deceitful, and manipulative as her. I don't have rage towards her, but what she has is rage towards herself, which is misdirected at everyone else.

So I cannot feel rage towards her. Only pity. She is never going to be able to EXPERIENCE love, romantic or otherwise because her wiring is deficient.

DH has rage towards her because she turned his life upside down. He would be glad if she got hit by a bus. I would only be somewhat okay with it because perhaps she'll be happier and more whole in her next life, because this one has already been broken beyond repair. And the worst part is, she tries so desperately to be normal, but you can see the wild anger in her eyes.

She believes the world owes her, and she'll burn it down to get it.

That doesn't deserve my rage, that deserves my sympathy.

I have to admit that it has been much easier for me never to engage with SS. He was a broken young adult (drugs/alcohol) when I met him.

I think if I'd met him as the adorable, sweet, smart and absolutely precious five year old that he once was I would have engaged and would have had high hopes for his future. In that case watching him destroy himself would have been agony.

Since he was already pretty gone when I met him I have never felt more than such a mild aversion to him (I'm being brutally honest). I just don't normally socialize with homeless drunks.

What I despise about BM is that when at age 13 he was no longer the sweet little boy she basically abandoned him. She passed on her pathetic gene pool of addiction (none for her thank goodness)and then refused to get help for her teen son when he was really in need.

She works for a hospital with a great professional job, her father is a doctor and director of another hospital - the boy should have had access to medical help at the least. That's what I find almost criminal. She wasn't willing to lift a finger to get him help even when it wouldn't cost her anything.

One year, I left my tree up until Valentines Day, because it was THAT pretty. it is artificial of course.

To read all your opinions is very interesting and helpful because it is reassuring that sometimes our lives as stepparents don not revolve around the biological parents. Their behavior affects somehow our lives , but if we choose to ignore...it will help us in the future.
My son's biological mother is just an egg donor. That's all. She thinks she is more then that. She made the choice of not raising her child for reasons that don't have any connection with me. She hated me in the beginning, but had to accept the situation. She actually hated the fact that my husband was going to be with a different woman.
She does not have any education; she does not have any ambitions to become somebody in her life; she thinks that a simple plastic surgery( breast augmentation)defines her as a personality; her entire family enables her to be a lousy parent and she thinks that she is entitled to everything just because she had a baby with a man she was not married to.
I am 10 times better than her. And I am sure she envies the life that my husband, my stepson and I built together.
I have to admit sometimes I allow her mentally to invade my life. I should not give a dime about her. I don't care what she thinks about me.
I should apply what StepAside's friend said, "They are dead to you!" But I don't...especially when she ruins all the work and effort we are putting into raising my stepson( when he is at her house for visitation).
I have a good life and should cherish it as much as I can.
What's disturbing to me is the fact that having a baby with a man would assure her financial future. She failed and I get to take care of my stepson. I prefer it that way because she does not have any good influence on the little boy anyway.
Enough said.
Thank you, everyone, for listening.

Yes Ive occassionally felt some rage. My ss is now 14. I've known him since 2. When he was 9 or so I went through a really difficult time in which essentially I accepted defeat. I had put 100 percent into raising this child for 7 years and essentially got no where except hated and blamed. I dont know if I felt rage at that point as much as sorrow, grief, some anger of course, but I think rage is probably not the right word. I grieved this loss just as I would any other over time-I find that I absolutely no longer care one iota about ss other than in the sense of how it might affect me or my children, and to some extent dh. I would not want him to die in the sense I dont want anyone to lose their life-but if he moved to another country and there was no chance of ever seeing him again or having contact I'd be quite content. I'd feel somewhat sad if dh was sad about it. But just sad for dh.

He did live with us for 4 months this year. At times I felt very close to rage-perhaps actual rage. It was not because I cared what happened to him, but because he was causing issues for my kids. Not only was he causing BIG issues for them and me personally-he was an asshole 100 percent of the time on top of it. So, yeah, ok now that I think of it definitely rage! LOL!

Essentially I got to the point in which I could no longer live with him. He continually refused to even make any effort to follow any sort of rules or to have any sort of respect for anyone and had no problem admitting this to ones face. I felt that if he continued to live in our home I might do something inappropriate to him or myself or dh out of my rage.

He is gone now. I no longer have any rage. I can occassionally feel myself get a little worked up when I think about the past but mosstly he invokes no emotion in me except perhaps disgust.