Step daughter going back and forth
Looking for some advice. I'm a step mother to 10 year old girl. Ive been in her life since she was 3 yrs old. I have a problem with her going to back and forth between her mother and father complaining about each of them to the other parent. When we get her she will come over and complain about her mom and boyfriend. the mothers boyfriend doesn't treat the mother so well in front of her. And Im sure she complains about us too. Also when it comes to homework she says her mom doesn't make her practice her cello or read with her. She has a slight learning disability. We make sure when she is reading we are watching what she reads because she will make up words when she cant sound them out. Her mother has told us in the past that the daughter can read really well. So I told my husband she is playing one of the parents and he really needs to talk to the mother about her going back and forth, her reading and practicing her cello. My husband doesnt want to talk to her cause he promised he wouldnt say anything to her mother but then again I feel she is playing a game and its only going to get worse. The stepdaughter says she will get yelled at if he says anything. I told my husband you both need to be on the same page with homework and her cello. Also that this back and forth game needs to stop. As parents we need to guide her and tell her if she upset or mad at the other parent that she needs to tell them how she feels. But my husband will not do it and tells me what you want her to get yelled at. And tell him well she knows how to play you cause all she has to say is my mom will yell at me. Am I wrong for telling my husband to stop this madness or do I need this to play it out on its own?
FYI her mother likes to lie and tells her daughter you better not tell your father. And at our house there is no secerts we never tell not to tell your mom.
Thanks....yeah my husband and
Thanks....yeah my husband and I probably need to see a therapist.. I'm the aggressive one and he very passive. I'm always making all the decisions and also the one that make all the disciplinary decisions..I wish he would..I feel that she will end up hating me..But one thing I can say is she has not disrespected me and least not to my face..On the other hand her mom and her do argue or she does acts like a brat from what her mother has told us.. I have only seen her act like a brat once and she was like 4 or 5 yrs old. But I didn't let her get away with that and she hasn't really tried again. Im so scared she thinks of me as the evil step mother..
DH and BM don't HAVE to be on
DH and BM don't HAVE to be on the same page...It's nice if they could be, but if they can't then, oh well...The best your DH can do is stay in his lane and worry about what happens at HIS house and hold her to certain standards at HIS house...Period...He can't control what happens at BM home and BM can't control what happens at your house...
SD only plays both sides because she knows there's drama...If your DH removes the drama by having requirements in his house regardless of what happens at BM's house then he can stop her from playing both sides...
My son who's 10 as well was
My son who's 10 as well was doing this very often. But his dad and I were always on the same page. Well SM and I would contact eachother on a regular basis to keep each other up to speed, just through text or emails, I work a lot so its much easier. And my son was very aware that we were, which toned it down a lot. Cause if he came and said well my dad would let me ...., I would just say well I better just text him and check. which at that point he would drop it and move on. Don't get me wrong my ex and SM are very different when it comes to parenting tactics then me.
But being that theres no open comunication I would hold your ground at your house and go by your morals and house rules. Try talking with your SO about you guys having a united front cause that will as well show your SD that you guys are on the same page that's really important I think for kids, even though yes one is there bio, but too know that you stand behind each other is important. Just my thought.
I got tired of not having my
I got tired of not having my DH take care of the best interest of SS who had issues...after years of trying to make him take action, I gave up. Seriously, I am at the point where if SS becomes a complete failure in life, it's not my problem. I know that sounds harsh, but after YEARS of stressing about this and getting nowhere, I had to just disengage myself. I worry about my 2 kids, and that's it. I hope it doesn't get to that point for you, but just keep that in the back of your mind when this gets too stressful or overwhelming for you!
Oh I hate this. I finally had
Oh I hate this. I finally had to say something to SO. The skids for a long time would come to our house and say all types of bad things about their mom and stepdad. SO would fall for it and start complaining and saying bad things too. I had to tell SO, what makes you think they aren't doing the exact same thing at their moms and talking about all the stuff they don't like about us???
He gave it some thought. He hasn't stopped completely but it as calmed a lot. He says he lets them "vent" but that's it. No joining in. Now he just says "I can't help what goes on at your moms house, but I'm sorry that happened"
The issue with the skids doing this is that they use it for their advantage. Emotionally, it makes them feel like they are bonding with the other parent and practically, they get from dad whatever mom isn't giving them because 'she's so mean'.