A LOT of prayer! Not just from me, but also from very close friends that I trusted not to judge me. I also started counseling 2 years ago for everything from this situation to depression in general. Before counseling, I would vent to DH. He wants so badly for the animosity to stop. I do too. But it was so hard for him to take a side weekend after weekend. He hates walking in on fights that start just because he stepped out of the room and SD pulled something. But eventually, I stopped complaining to him & reserved it all for my weekly or bimonthly sessions. Trust me when I say it helped immensely! I vent to a counselor & she offers advice on how to react differently or validates what I have done in situations.
The times in life where I "seriously tried", either with a partner, my step or my own daughter, usually meant that I would work hard at doing something and hope for a result and when that would not happen, it would hurt and disappoint and eventually anger me. It boiled down to a sort of control that I was hoping to have over a situation. I think the best we can do is deal with each little situation as they come up, as best we can, without hoping to steer things one way or the other. Ifyou are at a loss, try and go for the least amount of damage while you figure out the best thing to do. I often thought , and still do, that if only everybody acted the way I think they should, then I would get to be as nice and loving as I know myself capable of being. Why can;t it just be that way?
Well that's exactly what sucks so much. She & I had a fine relationship until about 6. Then life began to unravel. I credit her BM's free range parenting style & wanting so much for her daughter to like her or be her friend or whatever.
my ss is 7 and my 2 sd are 9 and 11. haven't got along since day one. of course their bm doesn't help the situation. all she does is talks bad about me, and the kids act just like her.
I seriously tried for about 10 or 11 years. Met ss when he was 1-he's 13 now-in the last year of two I've really just stopped giving a shit about him. I wouldnt want him to die or anything like that, but when I hear about bad things he does or trouble he gets in I really feel nothing for him.
We did pretty well at first-a little bumpy here and there-but at age 6, like the above poster, is when the kid really turned on me. It's funny because I saw it happening at that time and my ss has since said the same thing-"I used to love you until I was about 6 and then I just started to hate you."
I dont like to be around him, I dont like looking at him, I dont want him sitting on my furniture, in my house, there is truly nothing I like about him. I wish there was. I have spent alot of years looking hard for it, making believe it was there when it wasnt, and finally just came to the realization that there is nothing more I can do.
I tried really hard all last summer the first time I was his primary caregiver all summer, I overlooked a lot of bad behavior because of the new baby and him maybe feeling replaced and the fact that we had never been alone together before. But the more the summer went on I realized he was just a brat.
What solidified it for me was Christmas eve we went to my Mom's house first before DH's and my Mom and Sister were nice enough to buy gifts for him to and make sure he felt included. Now no one else was opening gifts except SS and biodaughter so he wasn't seeing anyone get more or anything and he had the exact same amount as biodaughter and when he was done opening presents he said "is that all". What the hell as a kid I would have been grateful for any presents let alone 4 nice presents from someone I really didn't know. My mom and sister don't have a lot of money but they took time, energy and money to buy him things he was interested in and all he says "is that all". I realized right then it wasn't hormones I just did not like this kid and his attitude.
My SD did that to DH & I one year. I wanted to strangle her. We spent a lot of money on both DS & her. I wanted to scream. They both get gifts (equal money spent on both) from grandparents & aunts & uncles, etc. Then SD goes home & gets even more from BM & family. Seriously? "Is that all?" Nope, you get to go home & have more but "that's all" for your brother. *gag*
I too tried for many years with SD21, but slowly even before you realise it, you are worn down, second chances and forgiveness only go soo far, after a few years. BM didn't care much, DH would deal out punishments, eventually, but then change rules or just give up and we would be back to square one with her.
She lived with us and it was just awful, I couldn't believe that the BM had let her live the way she did...... That really opened my eyes and so began my disengagement, I didn't even KNOW that was what I was doing before I joined here a few weeks ago !!! LOL !!!!
The BEST thing to happen to DH and I was moving abroad, SD21 came with us but for less than a year before DH sent her back.....I think that saved our marriage, I would have left by now.......
Everything is going great for DH and I and if I see her once or twice a year, well I'm hoping I can bounce her lies off and chug along, but it's going to be hard when DH is just a sap about the situation and just wants happy, happy, family times !!! :jawdrop:
I can relate to each and everyone of you. I thought it was just me. I'm dealing with 3 skids, 7,9, and 11. its been 3 years all most 4 and I can't stand them. they come to my house and the act like wild animals. rules dont mean anything to them, they do what they want when they want. they have no respect for anything or one. when we buy them gifts its never good enough. they always want more. they never, never play with or use anything that we buy them. sd9, shes mommy can do no wrong little spy. its almost like the more trouble she causes the better she gets treated by her bm. I've had the cops at my house twice because of them. it seems like no mater what we do, what rules we put in place nothing changes.
This is so useful to hear people feeling the same about their step kids! Mine lives with us and simply wants me out. Always has done and after 4 years and aged 9 I sometimes think - you win! Some days she just has to breath and I'm angered! Its always "daddy daddy" and I am invisible - completely. I can talk to her and she acts like she's not heard me. The mind games are untrue. I feel bad as yes she's a kid but jeez its hard work!!! What makes my situ worse is that her BM is an absolute cowbag and although SD calls me mum, she's actually gradually fitting me into the same bracket and is bringing out the worst in me. I seriously thought it was just me who felt like this and felt worse feeling the way I do about it. To hear others in a similar situ and feeling similar things is so reassuring. Thank you!
I tried until I won!!
this is my DH ex sd19 he raised her since she was 3. She tried really hard to break us up and to prevent us from getting maried. In front of my DH (boyfriend at the time) she was the nicest ever but behind him she would talk her shit in a nice way of course so by the time I would say something to DH she had already told him her side of the story and he would sugar coat everything with "thats not what she meant" blah blah I knew her evil intentions when she started hanging on him like if she was the girlfriend, always talking about her breast to him or in front of him. right beforewe got married I told DH things that she would say to me or about him and he said he would talk to her which he never did. Once we got married she stopped talking to him wants nothing to do with him (THANK GOD) since then I express my hatred towards her with him and after knowing everything he now does not want her back in our lives he cant believe she said everything she did to try to break us up or push me away from him. Her plan failed and we still got married and now he wants nothing to do with her ha ha ha I get the last laugh...
Ya know, I've read in several entries where the DH has an ex-SD or SS who is still in the picture. My question is why??? I halfway understand if the kid didn't know their own biodad, but is this normal?? It seems that if your spouse was a step parent to a kid from a former marriage all ties would be cut upon divorce. It's not like that's their blood or anything. Anyways, just wondering.
Ya know, I've read in several entries where the DH has an ex-SD or SS who is still in the picture. My question is why??? I halfway understand if the kid didn't know their own biodad, but is this normal?? It seems that if your spouse was a step parent to a kid from a former marriage all ties would be cut upon divorce. It's not like that's their blood or anything. Anyways, just wondering.
Confused1020....that's my SD you described except she's still here and is 9! She used to go in our room at the time and was so manipulative. I didn't think she'd got the whole adult relationship and I was not an imposter in my own home. One occasion I said to her "why does dad sleep in that room in my bed?" She said "because there's not enough room in my bed". WRONG!!! Because til 4 it was just him and her then this big horrid monster (me) came along enforcing bed time routines and rules etc, she couldn't understand who I was! She does now after a long 4 years but the relationships shot! There no chance of her living with her BM even if either wanted to due to child protection issues so I'm in it for the long haul! Ha ha x
Dependent on the website I don't mind. As long as its helping someone as I think everyone on this website is needing ears to listen to their problems with their stepkids but also want to offer a helping hand to others in the same boat. I'm on here to find someone with similar circumstances as my situ isn't ordinary but if any of my experience and ideas can help anyone at all then that's will be the only positive experience to being a step mum x
CONFUSED1020 - we have a similar story to you. DH ex SD used to come with SS EOW. She started playing up. DH told her that if she was going to behave like that then she wasnt welcome in our home.
She stopped coming.
We had nothing to do with her for years. DH wasnt interested.
Teh at the age of 18 (mental age 11) she got pregnant. DH then got involved as he feels that he needs to be there and be a granddad and that he owes it to the baby.
Not long after they started talking again we got married.
Ex SD said she was very sad that she wasnt invited to our wedding and cried all day that day.
Everytime she comes to visit she "forgets" to bring formula (she never forgets her smokes) and DH has to go out and buy it for her. Then she takes a nice big tin home (she doesnt forget to take it with her)
First baby is now almost one and the second one is due in October.
I know how you feel.... my DH did not have contant with her for 3 years when she turned 18 she looked for him and because of court issues she was the only "child" in his life so he spoiled her like crazy. When I first met her she was fine a lil off mentally but very sweet I think until she noticed that we were getting serious is when she started trying to break us up telling me things that left me thinking like "my dad is a sex addict and he has to have sex every night" but what really got to me was the way she was with him physically she would literally hang on to him and hug him like if she was the girlfriend and I was the "wanna be daughter" (as I call her) cause shes really nothing to him. She would only call him for money and he was more than happy to hand it to her which at the time I figured his money his problem she was very disrespectful if she didnt get her way or the food she wanted total childish. She told me that if her dad and I ever moved in together she will never live with us because my daughters get on her nerves. I can go on about all the things shes done or said and because of that Im left feeling so much hatred towards her and recentment towards my DH because he did not stand by my side when I was telling him what she was doing or saying.
I know how you feel.... my DH did not have contant with her for 3 years when she turned 18 she looked for him and because of court issues she was the only "child" in his life so he spoiled her like crazy. When I first met her she was fine a lil off mentally but very sweet I think until she noticed that we were getting serious is when she started trying to break us up telling me things that left me thinking like "my dad is a sex addict and he has to have sex every night" but what really got to me was the way she was with him physically she would literally hang on to him and hug him like if she was the girlfriend and I was the "wanna be daughter" (as I call her) cause shes really nothing to him. She would only call him for money and he was more than happy to hand it to her which at the time I figured his money his problem she was very disrespectful if she didnt get her way or the food she wanted total childish. She told me that if her dad and I ever moved in together she will never live with us because my daughters get on her nerves. I can go on about all the things shes done or said and because of that Im left feeling so much hatred towards her and recentment towards my DH because he did not stand by my side when I was telling him what she was doing or saying.
I have been a SM 12 years. met SD when she was 2 and we "got along" up until 3 years ago. Can't stand her, want nothing to do with her, I would trust my worst enemy rather then count on her. May sound harsh!! But you have NOoooooooooooooooo idea!!
I stay because I love my DH deeply and he knows how I feel - He tried to force things when she first came to live with us last year. But now he has stopped. Counting the days till she is 18!!
So your SD is 11? How was she at 9? Has her behaviour gotten worse now she can understand more about the world? What part does BM play in all this? My SD is 9 and I hage this fantasy that by the time she's a teenager we'll get on ok but I think I'm deluding myself?? I think by then I may've walker or have a full head of grey hair maybe ha ha. Does it get easier as they age or worse???? X
I have been seriously trying
I have been seriously trying for 10 years. SD is now 12. I began breaking down about 2 years ago. I am not sure how much more I can handle...
3 years going on 4. how did
3 years going on 4. how did you make it 10?
A LOT of prayer! Not just
A LOT of prayer! Not just from me, but also from very close friends that I trusted not to judge me. I also started counseling 2 years ago for everything from this situation to depression in general. Before counseling, I would vent to DH. He wants so badly for the animosity to stop. I do too. But it was so hard for him to take a side weekend after weekend. He hates walking in on fights that start just because he stepped out of the room and SD pulled something. But eventually, I stopped complaining to him & reserved it all for my weekly or bimonthly sessions. Trust me when I say it helped immensely! I vent to a counselor & she offers advice on how to react differently or validates what I have done in situations.
The times in life where I
The times in life where I "seriously tried", either with a partner, my step or my own daughter, usually meant that I would work hard at doing something and hope for a result and when that would not happen, it would hurt and disappoint and eventually anger me. It boiled down to a sort of control that I was hoping to have over a situation. I think the best we can do is deal with each little situation as they come up, as best we can, without hoping to steer things one way or the other. Ifyou are at a loss, try and go for the least amount of damage while you figure out the best thing to do. I often thought , and still do, that if only everybody acted the way I think they should, then I would get to be as nice and loving as I know myself capable of being. Why can;t it just be that way?
I agree, but I REALLY wanted
I agree, but I REALLY wanted to love her. She is just a kid. But, she is so mean & disrespectful that I want to even stop trying
Well that's exactly what
Well that's exactly what sucks so much. She & I had a fine relationship until about 6. Then life began to unravel. I credit her BM's free range parenting style & wanting so much for her daughter to like her or be her friend or whatever.
my ss is 7 and my 2 sd are 9
my ss is 7 and my 2 sd are 9 and 11. haven't got along since day one. of course their bm doesn't help the situation. all she does is talks bad about me, and the kids act just like her.
I seriously tried for about
I seriously tried for about 10 or 11 years. Met ss when he was 1-he's 13 now-in the last year of two I've really just stopped giving a shit about him. I wouldnt want him to die or anything like that, but when I hear about bad things he does or trouble he gets in I really feel nothing for him.
We did pretty well at first-a little bumpy here and there-but at age 6, like the above poster, is when the kid really turned on me. It's funny because I saw it happening at that time and my ss has since said the same thing-"I used to love you until I was about 6 and then I just started to hate you."
I dont like to be around him, I dont like looking at him, I dont want him sitting on my furniture, in my house, there is truly nothing I like about him. I wish there was. I have spent alot of years looking hard for it, making believe it was there when it wasnt, and finally just came to the realization that there is nothing more I can do.
What is it about 6? I thought
What is it about 6? I thought it was just us. It's so weird, but comforting to know that it happened the same way with you & your SS
I tried really hard all last
I tried really hard all last summer the first time I was his primary caregiver all summer, I overlooked a lot of bad behavior because of the new baby and him maybe feeling replaced and the fact that we had never been alone together before. But the more the summer went on I realized he was just a brat.
What solidified it for me was Christmas eve we went to my Mom's house first before DH's and my Mom and Sister were nice enough to buy gifts for him to and make sure he felt included. Now no one else was opening gifts except SS and biodaughter so he wasn't seeing anyone get more or anything and he had the exact same amount as biodaughter and when he was done opening presents he said "is that all". What the hell as a kid I would have been grateful for any presents let alone 4 nice presents from someone I really didn't know. My mom and sister don't have a lot of money but they took time, energy and money to buy him things he was interested in and all he says "is that all". I realized right then it wasn't hormones I just did not like this kid and his attitude.
My SD did that to DH & I one
My SD did that to DH & I one year. I wanted to strangle her. We spent a lot of money on both DS & her. I wanted to scream. They both get gifts (equal money spent on both) from grandparents & aunts & uncles, etc. Then SD goes home & gets even more from BM & family. Seriously? "Is that all?" Nope, you get to go home & have more but "that's all" for your brother. *gag*
I too tried for many years
I too tried for many years with SD21, but slowly even before you realise it, you are worn down, second chances and forgiveness only go soo far, after a few years. BM didn't care much, DH would deal out punishments, eventually, but then change rules or just give up and we would be back to square one with her.
She lived with us and it was just awful, I couldn't believe that the BM had let her live the way she did...... That really opened my eyes and so began my disengagement, I didn't even KNOW that was what I was doing before I joined here a few weeks ago !!! LOL !!!!
The BEST thing to happen to DH and I was moving abroad, SD21 came with us but for less than a year before DH sent her back.....I think that saved our marriage, I would have left by now.......
Everything is going great for DH and I and if I see her once or twice a year, well I'm hoping I can bounce her lies off and chug along, but it's going to be hard when DH is just a sap about the situation and just wants happy, happy, family times !!! :jawdrop:
I can relate to each and
I can relate to each and everyone of you. I thought it was just me. I'm dealing with 3 skids, 7,9, and 11. its been 3 years all most 4 and I can't stand them. they come to my house and the act like wild animals. rules dont mean anything to them, they do what they want when they want. they have no respect for anything or one. when we buy them gifts its never good enough. they always want more. they never, never play with or use anything that we buy them. sd9, shes mommy can do no wrong little spy. its almost like the more trouble she causes the better she gets treated by her bm. I've had the cops at my house twice because of them. it seems like no mater what we do, what rules we put in place nothing changes.
This is so useful to hear
This is so useful to hear people feeling the same about their step kids! Mine lives with us and simply wants me out. Always has done and after 4 years and aged 9 I sometimes think - you win! Some days she just has to breath and I'm angered! Its always "daddy daddy" and I am invisible - completely. I can talk to her and she acts like she's not heard me. The mind games are untrue. I feel bad as yes she's a kid but jeez its hard work!!! What makes my situ worse is that her BM is an absolute cowbag and although SD calls me mum, she's actually gradually fitting me into the same bracket and is bringing out the worst in me. I seriously thought it was just me who felt like this and felt worse feeling the way I do about it. To hear others in a similar situ and feeling similar things is so reassuring. Thank you!
I tried until I won!! this is
I tried until I won!!
this is my DH ex sd19 he raised her since she was 3. She tried really hard to break us up and to prevent us from getting maried. In front of my DH (boyfriend at the time) she was the nicest ever but behind him she would talk her shit in a nice way of course so by the time I would say something to DH she had already told him her side of the story and he would sugar coat everything with "thats not what she meant" blah blah I knew her evil intentions when she started hanging on him like if she was the girlfriend, always talking about her breast to him or in front of him. right beforewe got married I told DH things that she would say to me or about him and he said he would talk to her which he never did. Once we got married she stopped talking to him wants nothing to do with him (THANK GOD) since then I express my hatred towards her with him and after knowing everything he now does not want her back in our lives he cant believe she said everything she did to try to break us up or push me away from him. Her plan failed and we still got married and now he wants nothing to do with her ha ha ha I get the last laugh...
Ya know, I've read in several
Ya know, I've read in several entries where the DH has an ex-SD or SS who is still in the picture. My question is why??? I halfway understand if the kid didn't know their own biodad, but is this normal?? It seems that if your spouse was a step parent to a kid from a former marriage all ties would be cut upon divorce. It's not like that's their blood or anything. Anyways, just wondering.
Ya know, I've read in several
Ya know, I've read in several entries where the DH has an ex-SD or SS who is still in the picture. My question is why??? I halfway understand if the kid didn't know their own biodad, but is this normal?? It seems that if your spouse was a step parent to a kid from a former marriage all ties would be cut upon divorce. It's not like that's their blood or anything. Anyways, just wondering.
Confused1020....that's my SD
Confused1020....that's my SD you described except she's still here and is 9! She used to go in our room at the time and was so manipulative. I didn't think she'd got the whole adult relationship and I was not an imposter in my own home. One occasion I said to her "why does dad sleep in that room in my bed?" She said "because there's not enough room in my bed". WRONG!!! Because til 4 it was just him and her then this big horrid monster (me) came along enforcing bed time routines and rules etc, she couldn't understand who I was! She does now after a long 4 years but the relationships shot! There no chance of her living with her BM even if either wanted to due to child protection issues so I'm in it for the long haul! Ha ha x
Some of us aren't equipped
Some of us aren't equipped for the step lifestyle, but we love our DH/SO.
I dont see why not
I dont see why not
U don't see why not what?
U don't see why not what?
Dependent on the website I
Dependent on the website I don't mind. As long as its helping someone as I think everyone on this website is needing ears to listen to their problems with their stepkids but also want to offer a helping hand to others in the same boat. I'm on here to find someone with similar circumstances as my situ isn't ordinary but if any of my experience and ideas can help anyone at all then that's will be the only positive experience to being a step mum x
CONFUSED1020 - we have a
CONFUSED1020 - we have a similar story to you. DH ex SD used to come with SS EOW. She started playing up. DH told her that if she was going to behave like that then she wasnt welcome in our home.
She stopped coming.
We had nothing to do with her for years. DH wasnt interested.
Teh at the age of 18 (mental age 11) she got pregnant. DH then got involved as he feels that he needs to be there and be a granddad and that he owes it to the baby.
Not long after they started talking again we got married.
Ex SD said she was very sad that she wasnt invited to our wedding and cried all day that day.
Everytime she comes to visit she "forgets" to bring formula (she never forgets her smokes) and DH has to go out and buy it for her. Then she takes a nice big tin home (she doesnt forget to take it with her)
First baby is now almost one and the second one is due in October.
I know how you feel.... my DH
I know how you feel.... my DH did not have contant with her for 3 years when she turned 18 she looked for him and because of court issues she was the only "child" in his life so he spoiled her like crazy. When I first met her she was fine a lil off mentally but very sweet I think until she noticed that we were getting serious is when she started trying to break us up telling me things that left me thinking like "my dad is a sex addict and he has to have sex every night" but what really got to me was the way she was with him physically she would literally hang on to him and hug him like if she was the girlfriend and I was the "wanna be daughter" (as I call her) cause shes really nothing to him. She would only call him for money and he was more than happy to hand it to her which at the time I figured his money his problem she was very disrespectful if she didnt get her way or the food she wanted total childish. She told me that if her dad and I ever moved in together she will never live with us because my daughters get on her nerves. I can go on about all the things shes done or said and because of that Im left feeling so much hatred towards her and recentment towards my DH because he did not stand by my side when I was telling him what she was doing or saying.
I know how you feel.... my DH
I know how you feel.... my DH did not have contant with her for 3 years when she turned 18 she looked for him and because of court issues she was the only "child" in his life so he spoiled her like crazy. When I first met her she was fine a lil off mentally but very sweet I think until she noticed that we were getting serious is when she started trying to break us up telling me things that left me thinking like "my dad is a sex addict and he has to have sex every night" but what really got to me was the way she was with him physically she would literally hang on to him and hug him like if she was the girlfriend and I was the "wanna be daughter" (as I call her) cause shes really nothing to him. She would only call him for money and he was more than happy to hand it to her which at the time I figured his money his problem she was very disrespectful if she didnt get her way or the food she wanted total childish. She told me that if her dad and I ever moved in together she will never live with us because my daughters get on her nerves. I can go on about all the things shes done or said and because of that Im left feeling so much hatred towards her and recentment towards my DH because he did not stand by my side when I was telling him what she was doing or saying.
I have been a SM 12 years.
I have been a SM 12 years. met SD when she was 2 and we "got along" up until 3 years ago. Can't stand her, want nothing to do with her, I would trust my worst enemy rather then count on her. May sound harsh!! But you have NOoooooooooooooooo idea!!
I stay because I love my DH deeply and he knows how I feel - He tried to force things when she first came to live with us last year. But now he has stopped. Counting the days till she is 18!!
So your SD is 11? How was she
So your SD is 11? How was she at 9? Has her behaviour gotten worse now she can understand more about the world? What part does BM play in all this? My SD is 9 and I hage this fantasy that by the time she's a teenager we'll get on ok but I think I'm deluding myself?? I think by then I may've walker or have a full head of grey hair maybe ha ha. Does it get easier as they age or worse???? X