SS sexually abused Daughter. DH struggling/in denial
Help.
We found out a few weeks ago my SS(16) sexually abused my daughter(12) three years ago. We talked about it, sought counseling for my daughter, sought advice counsel on what WE needed to be doing, filed a police report, and are suppose to meeting with a lawyer this week.
SS(16) has had a wide variety of issues over the last two years, drinking, doing drugs, he broke his older sisters arm, beats other kids up, and right before we found this news about sexual abuse, he wrecked his car drinking and driving. We had already planned to get a lawyer this new year, because I have another SS(13) whom I am worried about as well. My SSs both live out of state with their mother, we get them holidays and summer.
My DH and I agreed SS( 16) can not come into our home. We agreed that he needed to be held accountable and that the most important person in this situation and the priority is my daughter. She needs to be loved, reassured, and BELIEVED.we also agreed that SS needs serious counseling and intervention.
DH and I are pretty good at communicating and being on the same page, a United front when it comes to parenting ALL of the children. However, I noticed over the last week he is starting to sway in what he says. Understandably, he has a wide variety of emotions. He loves my daughter and his son. But he went from, "I believe her" to " I believe both of them". He also talked with SS about what happened but insists he doesn't want to talk to my daughter because he doesn't need to know details. Red flag.
Denial. He's completely in denial and can't seem to understand how by being dismissive or not choosing to believe the victim, my daughter, is actually going to re-victimize her. Would you feel comfortable or safe in a home where you knew a person who was suppose to protect you did nothing? He doesn't need to choose between the kids, he needs to hold SS accountable and tell him what he side as wrong. He will not. On top of that, ex-wife has convinced him to go back to the police station to make a statement saying SS denies all accusations. She very much insists SS's pecker wasn't long enough to reach my daughter.
This is long, and terrible, and I'm just wondering if there's light at the end of this tunnel. My DH has acknowledged he needs to go back and see our therapist, but he thinks she's going to give him the answers on what we should do. He also hasn't made any appointments or done much of anything(depression creeping in).
I started looking at places to rent near by. SS won't be here anytime soon, but I also don't want my daughter to feel like it's her fault we're moving, but I can't look my DH in the face when his actions don't align with his words. Says one thing to me, behavior contradicts that(I take that as disrespect/lying).I also don't want my kids to see my DH and I fighting about our inability to be a team and hold SS accountable. My daughter is the priority and even if no one else has her back, I do.
I feel doomed, and that there is no happy ending here; just broken hearts, Step children I can't help/protect, and a Husband who just can't.
Trying to keep it together. If you made it this far, thank you for listening.
Your SS has Conduct Disorder,
Your SS has Conduct Disorder, of course he denies all accusations. He probably denied breaking his sister's arm and driving drunk too. His parents are only making it worse by enabling his BS, but have no worries, he'll be in prison soon enough.
I also would have a hard time respecting DH for believing his son, who has shown time after time that he will violate laws whenever he feels like it. He can love his son and still accept the truth of what he has done.
Separation seems like the right thing to do.
You're so spot on!
He thinks I'm asking him to choose between the kids, like it's black and white.
I'm simply asking him to do what is right, IMO.
(((HUGS))))
(((HUGS))))
Your obligation both moral and legal is to your bio, you do what ever it takes to protect her.
I am sorry this happened.
Thank you.
She needs me and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she feels supported and loved.
You are exactly right that DH
You are exactly right that DH denial is revictimizing her. You do what you have to do to make her feel safe and secure so she can begin the healing process. She has a long road ahead of her.
Yes.
She has a long road and staying here won't let her journey on that road begin.
He's defending a rapist. He's
He's defending a rapist. He's defending a person who raped your daughter. Read that over until it sinks in. How can you look him in the face?
Your daughter needs you, do what you have to. I couldn't live under the same roof as either of them.
His ex is a moron.
Exactly all of this.
Exactly all of this.
Agree
I imagine it's difficult for him and, unfortunately, I am unwilling to cater to his needs and feelings. They are not the priority and he is wrong.
He's defending a rapist. He's
Dup.
Another Exactly on this
You must protect you DD and the everybody else. He doesn't believe his DS broke his DD arm also. Or it's only your DD.
He knows.
SS admitted to everything else, just not the sexual abuse. No one called the cops or did anything. There wasn't even a police report when he wrecked his car...he broke his femur and his girlfriend' pelvis was crushed. His GF's parents didn't press charges or pursue anything. Small town, and his grandfather owns businesses. Such a shady and horrible place.
The older daughter is his ex-wife's daughter. My DH's once step daughter... hope that makes sense. She moved in with us two years ago because she was fucking up and wanted stability. She was home visiting ex-wife and SS when he broke her arm. Because they got into a fight over gas money.
Can't make this up.
Moving out
Seems to be the wisest course, imo. You can fantasize about only using it when SS is in town, or maintaining two households for a few years while the family gets therapy ...
You & your daughter need to leave. Your 100% priority is to protect, nurture & support your daughter which I can't imagine as possible in a household with a stepparent who is enabling and excusing their children's behaviors. Period. This has nothing to do with "showing a united front," "not arguing," or waiting until DH gets years worth of counseling & develops more awareness. This is a marriage-ending, fantasy-ending, ultimately life-altering situation. Protect your daughter & move her out of this household immediately. If you're not ready to make the decision for yourself, can you send her to family or her father to live?-
My SGS-now 15 was CONVICTED of sexual assault at age 11. He has been in/out of state hospitals and is now living with his other grandparent. Red flags flew wildly 8 years ago & the family minimalized it "boys will be boys," "he's just curious," "everyone experiments," "he's a great kid, it was a misunderstanding." SGS's list of victims included multiple neighbor children and his own cousins. The state got involved. The cousins lost custody of their children (who were victims) for awhile, because they FAILED TO PROTECT them.
Be careful that you do not lose custody of your daughter similiarly. You can PM me any time. I wish that I had any better answer. I never thought that this level of dysfunction was in my future when I dreamed of a "blended family." Sending you {hugs} and prayers for strength.
Thank you.
I will definitely PM you. Not today, but soon. ❤️
Thank you.
Um... why are you even
Um... why are you even wasting one second of your time staying in this relationship ???? Take your daughter and RUN!!!!
New Year
New place to live.
The moment your H started wavering and saying things like "I believe both of them" thats when you should have known that you should leave.
Please get out now. There isnt a good enough reason to stay. Your daughter is too important for YOU to waver on leaving.
Hugs to you, I know this must be horrible.
Thank you.
❤️
Thank you all
I truly appreciate your kind words and advice.
I got a realtor today. Hopefully we can find something ASAP. DH is aware of what I'm doing and agrees it is probably best. I can't help him navigate through this, because I need to focus on my daughter and our moral standards aren't compatible at this time. That and he's wrong. Period.
To answer some of your questions:
SS does not deny any of the other behaviors, just the sexual abuse. His mother and my DH haven't done anything to hold him accountable. The was ex wife acts is atrocious and mind blowing. DH doesn't do anything either, which is why we've struggled over the last year. I feel like I'm the only person who actually gave a shit about SS. They just brush it all off as "normal teenager". It's not normal. This is exactly why I will advocate for and protect my daughter. I will also continue to pursue legal action.
I was actually a sexual assault victim advocate for 5 years, so I know ALL of the excuses and dismissive attitudes people have when they choose to look the other way.
Thank you again for letting me safely get my thoughts out. It means so much. ❤️
You're doing the right thing
I am so sorry about what happened to your daughter. Moving out with her is absolutely the right thing to do. It shows her that you not on!y believe her but that you will protect her.