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Splitting apart or splitting up?

Heartisweary's picture

Submitted by Heartisweary on Mon, 10/09/2023 - 8:53pm

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I think I have given some information. The short is I kicked out my SD 18 for telling venomous lies ..some about us not feeding her.. some about her mother punching her.. as much as I find her BM to be abrasive and a bit higher opinion of herself then earned.. I do know that to also be a lie.. she lies about her brother, friends. She cheats on her GF's she won't get a job or go to school .. and it let to a screaming match of me calling her out on most of it and her yelling I was a ducking bitch and she hates me.. I said well I pay 1/2 the bills u do nothing yoyr 18 .. time to GTFO . This is one of the 3 times Iv raised my voice in 11 years .. no she is back with BM and from what I gather is still goalless and is somehow getting so many tattoos her brother said we won't recognize her.. now we haven't heard from her in 2 months. DH has reached out a week ago asking to talk or if she may want some of her stuff but not while we are home we agrees.. so 2 times last week she came and grabbed things. Well she was supposed to come Sunday and I was running late and I know we don't wanna run into eachother so I texted I was leaving in 20 .. well found out I was blocked. When I told DH he was like nah it's probably the area she was in.. so just like that they started talking and he is twisting things to try to make me give her a chance.. this kid has hurt me beyond anything I can had. I did so much for her. I bought all the gifts helped pay for a house they could have big bedrooms gave her the biggest.. let her friend live with us a year... only to have that friend tell me I don't know why SD doesn't like you , your so sweet.. so that's the first time I heard that. Then the lies all came out. I feel like Iv been robbed 11 years I could of been putting my energy or money towards someon account Ho would care.. I mean even a stranger would of appreciated it more.. I really don't want her back in my life I feel guilt cause she is still 18 it's a kid.. but geeez whiz it's so hard. 

Heartisweary's picture

Submitted by Heartisweary on Mon, 10/09/2023 - 9:10pm

Sometimes I wanna give up.. get in my car and drive away.. I know I won't but i question so much what is genuine now.. I miss my old friends.. I miss feeling chosen to be around not just for my efforts and work.. I'm lonely and sad most of the time. I feel like I messed up my whole life. Never having my own family instead like a stand in .. in someone else's life.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 10/09/2023 - 10:17pm

I see you're a relatively new member so you may not have heard the stepparent mantra: disengage, disengage, disengage.  So many of us, including me, have poured out our love, energy, money, time and emotion on stepkids only to receive the same treatment you're getting.

The whole situation has made you consider splitting but ask yourself, do you enjoy being with your DH?  Aside from SD, do you two get along?  I also consideted splitting after a terrible upset with my SD.  The whole episode sent me to counseling where I was advised to get closer to my DH.  I had let the pressures of our busy lives and 5 kids keep us apart emotionally.

If you choose to stay with your DH (and I think you will), then your next step is to disengage from SD.  She's no longer living with you and you're both probably happier keeping distance.   If your DH discusdes her, go" Hmmm" or "Really?  What's on tv tonite?"   Don't bring her up.  When you finally see her, be polite and civil but nothing more.

I've had to do this with my SDnow62 after 50+ years of doing everything under the sun for her then, during her last stay here, seeing my jewelry and silver stolen and our lives made of living hell with her drug use, lying and instability.

If she were anyone else, I'd have long ago cut all ties but she's DH's daugjter and while he lives, I will maintain a polite and civil relationship.

This is all easier said than done.  If you're like me, your SD is occupying a lot of your headspace.  Redirect your time, energy, money and emotion to your own interests and DH.  It gets easier.

Good luck.

Heartisweary's picture

Submitted by Heartisweary on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 9:19pm

Yes I do love him, we get along great. We are even on the same page about SD's ways..  she definitely takes up my headspace. I just worked really hard to get us where we are. Worked hard to provide for her and SS and have always done more then anyone when it comes to homework, laundry, birthday parties and holidays.. I did everything. I cooked, did almost all the cleaning. And was the breadwinner for a big chunk that got us into a duplex that helped our financial and living. I feel like all that effort got thrown away.. I guess we also never let them see how hard we worked. I'm so tired and I still care I just can't be treated like this forever. DH is caring, but exhusted too. Plus I have parents that need me as well.. I think a vacation would be nice. We never had one the two of us.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 10:03pm

I don't think all your effort was thrown away.  It sounds like you've made a nice, comfortable, stable home for your family.  You have a good relationship with your DH and it sounds like you get along well with your SS.

I think you said you don't have your own kids.  Well, let me tell you, a big upset (or several) is common in the period before kids leave. I have always felt this was God's way of making it easier to let them go.  If we still loved them like we did when they were babies, it would kill us.

She's gone, you and DH are still united.  You have your nice home, your health, life is good.  Spend your love and time on DH, SS and your parents.

Little savages's picture

Submitted by Little savages on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 7:20am

I identify with everything you say. Sounds strange to say you can be hurt by the actions of a child or young person. But it's understandable after years of spending time, emotion, energy not to mention money on that person, to have it count for nothing. I have just left that situation after 7 years and feel that my instincts were right all along. Any respect, love and affection I had for ex SO was gradually worn away by his kids'  thoughtlessness, laziness and lack of values. All endorsed by ex SO. Why oh why did I waste so much time before leaving?? I am out of there and as the shock's wearing off, I feel like I'm back to my true self. I can choose to spend time, energy etc on myself and people who really matter cos they appreciate and care about me - not the people who say the words but can't match the actions. 
You don't need to be a stand-in in someone else's family. You matter in your own right. You can make a sort of family of your friends. Take care yourself of yourself.

Heartisweary's picture

Submitted by Heartisweary on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 9:25pm

It's definitely not a situation you wish anyone else has to feel.. sorry you did. And it's difficult cause you hold on to hope. But I'm feeling like roadkill these days getting pecked.. sometimes I think I just wanna sleep for days. Like that would somehow help? Idk crazy I try to chose being better over bitter but it's getting harder and harder..  SS gives me hope .. he's sweet, respectful and when I do little things he appreciates them. I also know my other half loves me he just is always so tired. It's been a rough few years. I do miss my old self. Love to get her back. 
cheers to you! 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 7:50am

This is not new territory.  This happens in most cases on these boards.  Ungrateful, no self respecting SK. THINKG the world owns them.  That they are special, so special they can hurt anyone they want and alls is good.  Nothing you do is going to matter  she is 150% right. LOL.    Take that money and save it for a great vacation,   Sitting on the beach drinking.  And thanking SD for the exter money for this vacation. 

Heartisweary's picture

Submitted by Heartisweary on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 9:26pm

This is my plan! Thanks!

Sadielady's picture

Submitted by Sadielady on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 7:51pm

I can relate fro your situation. I have two children of my own, but that didn't make a difference when my SD turned on me after 10 years. It hurts. A lot, you're only 2 months in, so I'm guessing that you're really angry but yoi're also really hurt. It's a roller coaster of emotion. For me, I needed to let myself feel the pain and grieve the loss of that relationship. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 

Heartisweary's picture

Submitted by Heartisweary on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 9:30pm

But your right. Still angry. Even to the point I'm also scared of her. She has been venomous with me pouring kindness over her... now I'm the enemy in her eyes. .. scares me.  I haven't seen her I know when I do my anxiety will be through the roof. 
I am happy she is with BM they can work on their stuff. 
I can't with her at least not right now.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Tue, 10/10/2023 - 9:55pm

Don't let the "she's just a kid" thought creep back into your mind. The one positive about your situation is that she is NOT a kid anymore. You don't have to allow her into your home ever again. If she changes her ways, you can choose to, but she is legally an adult and that obligation is over.