Sometimes I wonder who comes first..
Sometimes I wonder who comes first, me or his ex.
THEY make all the decision regarding the kids. He doesn't tell me when he talks to her at all and EVER. I have NO say but her hubby does. I often find her saying, "Me and Mike think.." but I'm sure my hubby doesn't say, "My wife and I think.." I just seem to have no say in ANYTHING.
It's not the other side of the family at all as his ex and I get along great. She even went so far as to buy a Mother's Day gift for me from the kids, which made my day.
However. besides talking to me everyday..my hubby does NOTHING. I've confronted him about the fact that they're my stepkids and I should have some kind of say regarding things, yet again..he tells me nothing until the decisions are already made.
I realize she's his children's mother..but he includes me in no decisions regarding the kids. He'll talk to me about the kids' problems AFTER the decisions have been made..but again..I'm never included.
The list goes on and on and he always gives her whatever she needs. And me?? Can't remember the last time I got a decent gift for a holiday.
He's told me that she always got what she wanted..a new house..a new truck..new furniture, a new wedding ring after 5 years, etc. He even bought her a $500 cue stick when she decided to join a pool league.
I'd love to get half that but I'm one that asks for little or nothing. Only thing I've asked for since we've been married is my mom's wedding reset (a mere $300), which in turn he told me cost too much.
While he buys his kids brand new expensive computers, etc., and by the time we're done...it's cost us $2000. He who spends the fastest gets the mostest??
That's what I'm starting to think.
And to hell with my expensive ring setting...phht!!
If you have to "ask", then I
If you have to "ask", then I think you already know who comes first.
Next time they make a decision without you, don't go along with it. My wife did this to me for years until I put my foot down about it. Also do you guys have a joint account? I could understand his answer if money is really tight, but if he can blow 2 grand on stuff for the kids, you can afford to have your ring reset. Just go out and do it without asking him. Then when he complains, point out all the expensive junk he buys.
Like tog said, next time they plan for you guys to have the kids, refuse to help. Go out and take a spa day or something. Trust me he will get the message very quickly. My wife was always inviting our grandkids to come spend the weekend without asking me. Finally I just stopped helping and stayed in the bedroom all weekend one time. She finally got the hint.
Is he otherwise a good
Is he otherwise a good husband? If so why don't you disengage from this? As a step-mother you'll get none of the blame and no credit when the children are grown as the parents are fully and co-operatively engaged. Why bother yourself? Accept the fact that you're not the mother and not wanted as a step-mother so just step back and let them do their thing.
I know its irritating and perhaps disrespectful (they are the parents in the end) but is it really worth starting a war over as others may suggest? I do agree with the idea that since you're not included then you shouldn't be asked to help either. He can cook, clean and chauffeur without you but don't make it an issue just politely decline and tell the truth if asked.
If you wish to completely disengage from the children this article should help:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Money is another issue all together. He does have his responsibilities of course but once he has paid his required child support any further outgo should be a mutual decision with you having veto power over major purchases. In this regard you are second fiddle at most, maybe no fiddle at all, and I'd suggest martial counseling to help sort that out.
In his eyes you simply don't have the standing of "the mother of my children" and don't deserve the respect she gets. Again counseling.
You didn't mention your age or if you have children of your own. If you're young and childless then you could consider you've made a mistake as I don't think I would want to live with someone lacking respect for me unless there was some overlying reason. Consider admitting your mistake while in counseling and see if this shocks him into reality that you're considering leaving. If he won't go to counseling tell him its a prelude towards leaving and either he goes with you or he needs to seriously consider you may not be around in a few months.
I could have written this
I could have written this awhile ago.
The last time he and BM decided that the skids would come "early" because I would be home. Well, I was NOT home. I am not using my time off so that you and BM can have a break. You should've scheduled with BM when it would work for you or ASK me if it would work for me.
Money? We separated finances so that what he does with his discretionary income isn't my problem. Want to spend every extra dime you have on skids? Go right ahead. My bios and me will no longer suffer any loss because of that. (DH pays 65% in CS so he is giving his fair share)
Do you work?? Not being nosy or condescending just that you shouldn't have to ask him for money or to buy things for you. If you want something and can afford it, you should get it.
I personally think that far too many stepmoms here are WAYYYY over involved in the day-to-day goings on of their skids. I guess it works for some but it seems like mostly it is just a headache.