SM and BM discipline issues
BM (I assume that means Biological mom)and I (step mom) have two different ideas of discipline. My husband and his ex have 50/50 care of 6 year old son. One full week with each parent. this past weekend my SS (I assume that means step-son) had a wrestling tournament. My husband was not able to make it becuase of a meeting and I took my SS to the meet. BM was there too (drove separate) Throughout the day I made sure SS was where he needed to be. Checked in for the meets, warmed up, etc.. This was the first time I was competely in charge of SS that BM witnessed and had no control over.
SS and I were sitting in the bleachers with other friends who had younger boys too. The boys were hitting each other with empty water bottles. One parent snatched the water bottle out of her child's hand and told child to sit down. I told SS to go throw water bottle away. SS went right over to BM and started hitting her. BM took water bottle away from her son and started hitting him in play. I sternly told SS, "I told you to go throw that bottle away." BM gave me huge death glares. SS went right down to throw bottle away and came back to sit with me no problems.
At the end of the day and SS and I were leaving, BM wanted a picture. As she was getting her camera ready SS started digging in her purse getting stuff out. I reprimanded SS by saying, "You do not go through a woman's purse." (SS has no boundaries at other home)
The next day BM had to have a talk with my husband saying she didn't appreciate me discipling her son and telling him what he can and cannot do. Thankfully my husband told her that it was our week and these are morals that WE are trying to instil in him.
I guess I want to know how I can discipline SS when BM tells son it is OK? OR if BM is not going to take the inititive to discipline then she should not judge me for doing it.
I understand completely
This is the exact same situation that I have with my 5yo SS. I can only say that - I know that BM wont change and wont stop judging. But I also know that my husband and I have the boy that BM wants. Meaning - she would love to have the behavior that we get, but she cant discipline properly without giving in. Therefore, she gets the results she deserves.
I would say keep going the way you are going. Your SS knows already what the right and wrong thing to do is, as he obviously listens to you. He also knows what to get away with when he is with BM.
His behavior is attention seeking as he is desperately trying to keep his place with his mum. Has BM got a partner/husband? This makes a huge difference.
My only concern is, that the SS may be living two separate lives, one with conformity and one without. I am unsure of the long term effect this may have on him.
Maybe try talking with his BM to at least establish some basic common ground rules that everyone agrees on. Easier said than done though.
Good Luck
Good For You!
Personally, I commend you for taking action. It can be a tricky situation. I have been "raising" my SS ( 6yrs old ) for 4 years and even though BM isnt around much I still have a hard time discipling when she is. Sometimes its just easier to let the bad behavior go just to avoid the wrath of the psycho beast from hell ( oops, did i just say that out loud hehehe) but in the long run teaching SS right from wrong is whats best. Keep up the good work
BM had every right to be upset.
If I were her, I would have been. You said, "This was the first time I was completely in charge of SS that BM witnessed and had no control over." That sounds horrible in my opinion. Just because you think you were in charge because the meet occurred during your husband's visitation time doesn't really give you any rights, you are the step-parent. I'm sorry, but I feel you did cross the line here. Whether or not the SS needed disciplining wasn't your call.
If my ex's girlfriend ever pulled a stunt like that in front of me, I'd be furious. You not only crossed the line, but you embarrassed BM, which probably stung more that the fact you disciplined her child.
What SHE said.
I have no problem stepping in to discipline my skids when neither of their parents is around or when it's just me and their dad, but if a biological parent IS present, especially their mother, then I would defer to the bio parent in matters of discipline. We don't have shared custody, so while I do think of myself as one of their parents, I feel like my role is more of a supportive one, rather than one in which I get to make unilateral decisions for them.
My husband and his ex-wife don't always agree on HOW to disclipline their children, but then neither do we 100% of the time. Different people have different ways of doing things and sometimes you're going to disagree on how to discipline, step or bio, divorced or married. My husband and I always back each other up, whether we agree or not, and then we address any disagreements privately away from the children. It would be nice if all the parents - BM, BD, SM, SF - could likewise back each other up, then address problems separately, but this is unrealistic in our case, so we do the best we can.
My person opinion, for what it's worth (probably not much!), is that you did exactly what you should have done if the BM had NOT been there. But being that she WAS there, if it were me, I would have deferred to her. As far as the purse incident goes, I think it's great to teach him respect for other people's belongings and to not go into someone's purse, but this was his mother's purse and I think it's for her to decide if she wants to allow him to dig through it or not. My son is 9 and I have no problem with him rooting around in my purse for a stick of gum, to look at pictures, whatever. He knows not to go in anyone else's purse, but I don't have a problem with him getting into mine and I think if SHE had a problem with it, then SHE should be the one to address it. You have to look at it this way... YOU, the SM, was telling HER child not to get into HER purse. I just don't think that's any of your business.
I think it's great that you are stepping up and taking your role seriously, supporting your husband, helping him raise his child and being another positive role model for your SS. But I do think that if my son's SM had done the same things, I would've been livid. Not because she was disciplining my son, but because she was overstepping the boundaries. If his dad had done it, then okay. He's the parent and he has that right, not to mention the responsibility. But for a stepparent to do this, well, I just think that it has the appearance of overstepping. Even if it was what your husband would have done if he'd been there, the point is that he wasn't there and BM was. Bio parents outrank stepparents.
~ Anne ~
reply to all
I appreciate everything that evryone has wrote. Unfortunately when someone writes you usually do not get the full/whole story. Let me restate....there is 50/50 placement of child. One FULL week with mom and one full week with Dad and I. If no one is going to dicipline a child I will step in and if I do please respect that. BM does not discipline at all. I have witness this fristhand. On drop offs/ picik ups of child for the week my husband and I have seen child jumping on furniture, lying on the floor with shoes on wall, riding scooter down hallway, and none of this phases BM. We have heard too many times of child finding X-Mas and B-Day presents in BM's dresser drawers. Breaking BM's bed from doing flips and jumps. We have boundaries and guidlelins in our home and lifestyle. If she is not going to inforce them during her weeks then do not condone us or me for doing it on ours.....reguardless who does the dicipline.
This child is in our home, under our supervision for a week. this is no weekend visitation. I will not let discipline matters slide and especially out in public becasue he technically is not my child. What would happen if child decided to go through my purse and I reprimanded him? What if he told me...I can go through my mom's purse and she doesn't care? It is a boundary issue or maybe my course of action should have been..."Ask first if there is something in your mother's purse. that is the polite thing to do."
BM was sitting three feet away from us entire day. She said or did nothing all day. Not once did she make sure HER child was feed, reported to the correct mat for wrestling, or even get him to the tornamaent BY 7am for weigh in. She showed up 2 hours later when tournmant started. This child is in my home and I will do what is necessary for him to be a respectful little boy. Where does my credibility go if I do or say nothing while in the company of BM. How is SS going to listen to me later in my own home? SS was not mad at me. He does what is told AND he came right back and sat by ME to watch the rest of the meet. Maybe BM was a little put out at the whole day. After SS's first match he pinned his first child. I was down on the mat coaching him while BM was at the mat too vidoeing him. SS came right off the mat straight to me giving me a big hug and then walked right by BM. I do have to admit that was probably hard for her to handle and I am sure she was looking for a lot of reasons to voice her hurt.
BOY DO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!
We have 50/50 custody of my SS 3 years old. I can only imagine how he is going to turn out. So confused. We have had several meetings with BM regarding being on the same page with discipline- to no avail. At 3 years old he tells BM (while she was on the phone with me, regarding his medication) to be quiet because he can't hear the T.V. her response? "I am so sorry honey, I will be quiet"... WHAT?? Who is the adult here???
BM had a boyfriend living with her for a few months, at some point her boyfriends son moved in with them... this now put her in the SM role... she didn't handle this so well and thought that this other child was "the devil" because he wanted to play with HER sons toys. Well, they are 3... they are going to fight, and this poor kid came into a house that he is not familiar with, no toys of his own and was separated completely from his mother whom lives in a state 2000 miles away to be in a home with a woman in the mother role that was MEAN to him. BM then began speaking poorly of this little boy, calling him a brat, tell MY SS that he is a Brat, allowing him to NOT share his toys and call him names. Well, SS gets in trouble for that type of behavior in our home. DH had a long talk with her about this... who knows if it helped at all... she and boyfriend ended up breaking up ultimately over the poor confused little boy. But it did explain why SS was having such a hard time with sharing with his step sisters when he would come home to our house.
The sad part is, in the end... the difference in discipline in homes will only hurt the child. My SS will grow up KNOWING that he can walk all over his mother. He can talk to her however he wants to... and we wonder why in society men disrespect women so often. Sometimes due to an abusive father mistreatng a mother, but I would say almost as often- a MOTHER allowing a child to disrespect and walk all over them. Monsters in the making.
when we take on the role..we can't just be a spectator
i have been in your shoes, to say that you should not step in and speak up... that's a load of crap!! As far as I am concerned when you agree to be with someone who has children you are also agreeing to love the child and be sure that they grow up respecting those around them. I have a seven year old step son who when with his mother and live in granny behaves like a spoiled brat. When he was a toddler I would joke we were raising a double personality..one that knew how to behave and his mother's son. Now he knows the difference between houses and how he has boundaries when home with us. His mother finds it funny that ss was not recognized at a community event with bf because he was actually behaving! And since only sends him with us to such events because of it. Others around you especially bm may resent your input, and ss/sd may be angry for 30secs but isn't that our job as a parent? and really aren't we parents?? I am sure no one would let their biokid get away with one thing and then stop and say "it's ok skid, go ahead I am just a spectator here!"
From BM and SM
I have told my SD a few times not to talk to her mom the way she does and I also let her know I will not tolerate it..
So from my perspective as a BM, since it hasn't happened, I would say I would be ok with it. But then again usually with my kids I will step up and tell them not to treat there dad or his GF in a ill manner. I really cannot say how I would be for sure though it has never happened.
I would say that you handled it right.. And if your husband backed you then that is all that matters. And there is nothing wrong with establishing some parenting rights too.
I think that as a SM, I look at things this way. It urks me to no end to know that my money and time are good enough then why isn't my input. I should be able to say stuff. If my input is not valueable enough then neither is my time or money.
Why are we good enough for everything but certain things are out of our league. I tend to not agree with that. Now with my ex and his GF she does not work she helps him but I respect her.
This is all just something I feel. Especially here.. You can cook and clean and do there laundry and drive them to meet friends, buy them clothes and all that but cannot open your mouth.
I have a hard time with that..
123 magic/ big joke
I have to share this with all. We did put SS in counseling due to his double life. Spoiled king of the hill at Mom's and a responsible loving kid at Dad's. Counselor suggested both us and BM get the book 123 Majic and start using it in both homes. Try and get some consistency. I read the book and thought what a f'n joke. this is for the kid who flops down screaming and eventually gets his way. Husband and I dicussed book and decided if we use this 123 we would be taking a step backwards. SS does what is asked the first time. Why should we start counting and giving him an extra 1,2,3??? oesn't discipline at all. And we are suppose to count. What if I started counting when he was going through Mom's purse. He would have looked at me like.."what the hell you counting for?" the other night we were at the counselors leaving and told SS to get his coat. Before he had a chance to get the coat BM went over and got it held it out so he could put his arms through it. Do we start counting for her???
I loved what LooneyMom wrote. OUr child has boundaries too and knows right from wrong. So am I suppose to ignore all boundaries when she is around? Does a teaacher not discipline a child because it is not her own? Or when other kids come over to our home are they allowed to run free???
Exactly.
I have made this point to our BM... I expect no less from the skids as I do of the my kids or their friends that visit. And I am no different than any other adult in their life that teaches proper manners - social skills.
manners..social skills do the bm'x know what these are?
seems to me, and maybe this is harsh but I feel like the kids are the trophies for the bm, (along with the trophy for "I will have his balls in my hand for the rest of his life") and while bm is busy harassing us, and declaring their decisions making powers as the "real parent" our skids are left to being raised by the schools, and daycare people. I say thank god for the sm/sd/bm/bf who takes back their balls and stands up to AND for the kids, their significant other, and wants to raise a happy respectful child. In the end it is us who will spend our time with our kids enjoying life, and not worrying about what the next outburst or embarassing act will be.
Trophies???
that is an interesting analogy... Sadly accurate in my situation. We all know what happens to trophies!! The kids are so often thrown into the cross-fires it is disgusting. On top of it she does not enforce discipline hers our ours, she treats them like friends... I think this is called emeshment (sp) As well, our BM has had a tight grip on my DH' balls for nearly 10yrs. I don't know why-- I am trying to understand. Every opportunity to pry her fingers loose results in her using the kids against him. The SD 15 goes along with it. The SS 16 is now starting to see or at least he is just know speaking up against her actions.
It is just sooo wrong to not teach kids or prepare them for life--their own independant living, healthy relationships... etc. And using kids--- that should be illegal-- abuse. Like life doesn't provide us all with enough baggage--why would want to place yours on your own children?? The only reason I can come up with is that kids are niave enough to fall for the victim game.