Help ME PLEASE
I married three years ago on Monday. this is a second marriage for both. He has a 7 year old son by previous marriage that he has 50/50 care. As of right now I am about 2 weeks away from having a baby our first baby. I do not want to married to this man anymore. He is 35 and feels the need to be out until 3 am with "his friends or family" I have been keeping a log and it is at least 3 times a month. I even went as far as to accuse him of having an affair. He doesn't see where this is a problem or that someone who's wife is pregnant and home either by herself or with his child until 3am (and yes he isn't very sober when he comes home)is a big deal. last time he came home at 3 am drunk to the point where someone else had to drive him home I ended up in the emergency room the next day becasue I spent the entire night and morning vomiting villoently. At 11am the next morning my very caring husband finally woke up after I went to the bedroom dressed with my purse saying I"m going to the emergency room. His reasoning for all this is "it's not like you will be going into labor now."
I want out but I do not want to share custody with this man. When we married I had to move 30 minutes away from my family and hometown/ work into a very samll town. This is where his ex-wife and him have the child and must stay in the same town for their custody arrangement. We did have a prenuputual made and did state a clause in there about child custody. Everything I researched since the prenup states that you cannot actually list child custody in a pre-nup. that is something that must be determined during the divorce it is now a marital asset.
As the way events have transpired since I have been married to him and being there for his child and now during pregnancy I can prove he would not be able to care for a 7year old and a newborn. I teach school so he has never had to put his child in daycare. I am off. He can work whatever schedule he wants because I am alway home or off work at the same time as his son. I have very willing parents who can help me with a new baby to where I would never have to put a new baby in daycare if I was able to move back to my hometown. He on the other hand would need daycare for his son and newborn. Also what kind of legal action would be on my favor if I am not willing to move a baby back and forth between homes for any kind of "shared care". What if I am nursing this baby? I am asking would a judge favor keeping a newborn with her mother rather than having a "newborn" be bounced back and forth bewtween homes and then placed in daycare right away. (As of right now he hasn't even made any attempt to buy, do plan for this baby.
I need help, advice, I want out so bad but something tells me I am stuck. My husband is a very manipulating man but he has no grounds as to prove a fit father for a newborn. He claims he won 50/50 custody with his son but truth be know his ex wasn't strong enough for a fight. I know deep down he could not possibly win any type of custody. I know I can prove his lifestyle would not be suitable, I also know there is now way in hell he could even afford the house, bills, care of his son if it wasn't for me. But he is such a smooth talker and hateful man that he intimiadates me.
legal help
I am not sure where abouts you are from, but knowing family law very well in Canada, you can list in a pre-nup anything you want and it will stick. However, with that being said there are 2 exceptions here, one is custody of a child(ren) and the second being child support. These can be listed but they are not held up in the contract. (I am actually very surprised whoever did up your pre-nup put the custody clause in there). Child custody and support are only dealt with in the family courts if you can not come to a mutual agreement when you separate from one another.
The child has to be born before you go to the courts for custody. Be sure to mention in your application that you are breast feeding. The courts will work out a suitable visitation for the father, to accomodate for this....whether the visitation only be for a few hours at one time until the child is older or no longer on breast milk, or for you to send some milk along for the baby to allow him to continue to feed the baby the same milk.
Keep your chin up! I gained sole custody of my 3 children 10+ yrs ago and although it has been tough, we have managed just fine. I have never rec'd child support, nor does he maintain a relationship with any of the kids. Hang in there....where there is a will, there is a way!
I am sorry
Elle, it can't be easy to be at this stage in a pregnancy and think that you are doing things alone, but I have to ask, where was your husband before you decided to have this child, and when you got married in life? Is staying out til 3am new? or (without sounding harsh) were you out with him? I am sorry to mention this, but with two bm's who have told ss's that "daddy stayed out and got drunk" did you not know this is how he was before? Taking care of your step I would think came with the package, and having a child with this man also did as well. If this is something new for him, sure I would question why he is out, but you also need to step back and realize that he is not 9mnths along, and big, beautiful, and ready to pop. Too many women asssume I think that men will automatically become super dad when we are ready to deliver, but in reality, they are still the same guy that we married...back in the day before we had thirty pounds on our belly. You are in a stressful time, never count on our men to see that, count on our men to be there when you say..."it's time" or count on your mom! Having a baby is the most stress a couple can face, (stats say...make it through the birth, and the first 18mths...you are laughing) and I think if you fell in love with dh, and chose to raise a family, you have to be ready to love him for all that he is ... good , bad, and ugly. My dh has had the bad rap put on him by the bm's, and while yes he enjoys the brew, and has been driven home at three am after golfing, he is still coming home, and brain dead or not, is still there the next day for us. My point elle is that, unless this is a new thing, this is what you signed on for when you married, he is not preggers, it is summer, and unless there is more issues than a few nights a month out....deep breath, deep breath....you bought the ticket, you got first class (baby) and now you must drink the crappy champayne they serve. Truly sorry if this sound harsh Elle, not meaning it to...but I think you are too close to the day to start worrying about these things right now, enjoy(SLEEP) you last few days of pregnancy(SLEEP) and look forward to your new arrival(SLEEP)
with love and good thoughts
aloonycanuck
Will he want custody?
Shared or otherwise?
I too was pregnant (with our second child) when I decided that I didn't want to be married to my (now ex) husband. I stuck it out for another (almost) two years before I had finally had enough and hired a lawyer expecting a fight over our two children. To my surprise he didn't fight me about the custody of our children. He knew full well that he didn't have the means to fully care for our children on his own. He was perfectly happy with seeing them once or twice a week and every other weekend. (at first he would only take them one at a time!) And when we first split up I had to actually TELL him that he needed to see his children. Anyway, I know that wasn't exactly the answer to your question but my point was that he may not want custody. If he is enjoying his freedom and his late-night drinking fests than being tied down to caring for two children isn't going to fit in very well with those plans. Have you tried telling him that you are not his son's babysitter and if he wants to stay out until 3 am while his son is visiting then his son shouldn't be visiting? I know you are probably not feeling up to going out all that much, but what would happen if you made plans to go visit a friend or something? That would force him to stay home and care for his son rather than you doing it.
I hope it all works out for you. Good luck!
I can help you on this one.
All states our different, so keep that in mind. I was in VA for my divorce.
My husband left me when I was five months pregnant. I filed the divorce paperwork immediately, but the child custody/support stuff had to wait until the baby was actually born. I had the baby, notified him of the birth after the fact and then had my lawyer draw up the custody/support paperwork. There's something known as the "tender age doctrine" that most courts take heavily into consideration. That doctrine stipulates that an infant - sometimes all the way up to age three - is too young to be removed from the mother for extended or overnight visits. If you are breastfeeding, have no fear. You won't have to worry about it until after he's weaned. I nursed my babies for 15 and 18 months, so you have plenty of time there. You will most definitely win full custody and even if he does win some type of visitation, it'll likely be for a few hours, not overnight visits. Besides, like Mom on the Edge theorizes, he's likely not going to want the EOW type schedule for visitation because that would interfere with his partying.
I had in my favor the fact that my ex-husband didn't want the baby, so I offered to waive child support if he would give up his parental rights. He took the money and ran. Later, my new husband adopted my child, because thankfully my attorney had the foresight to have the paperwork worded such that my ex gave his consent to adoption by a future stepparent when he signed off on our divorce. His rights were terminated.
The prenup is a contract and a contract is binding. That's not to say that a family court judge can't rule otherwise, but I think that is unlikely, especially if you retain an attorney that is well versed in contract law. A family law attorney is great and fine, but the prenup is a contract and you want to make sure whatever atty you hire knows contract law as well as family law.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)