Should SD keep secrets from her Daddy???????
What is wrong with these women!!!!!
My DH and his ex have a "communication book" that goes back and forth with SD. Great for documenting her craziness. But really for the everday things...needs a bath, has homeowrk etc.. Helps to eliminate phone calls.
Any way last week it was really cold here -26degrees celsius. SD is wearing one of those just belong my butt miniskirts (she's 5 1/2) and tights. She tells dad that is is cold (well of course she is) and tells him that she told mommy that when she left for school in the morning.
So DH write that and that sSD told her that she was cold. Great.
Well, we have her this evening and there was nothing about it in the book. Great. She got the point. Then at dinner SD says I am cold (we are in the middle of storm) but don't tell mommy because she got mad at me for telling you last time. She doesn't want those notes to go back and forth.
First of all that book is for the adults to discuss things. Second, she shouldn't be telling her daugther she disappointed her for not keeping the secret from her daddy.
My husband is unsure if he should say anything. If he does then he is worried that SD won't tell him things any more. He wants her to be able to...especially since her BM dates different men.
Should he say somehing or just let it go?
Personally, I think
that a communication book that goes back n forth with the child as the messenger is no different than parents that talk to each other thru the children. From my experience it is damaging to the child by placing them in the middle. They feel torn and do not want to be placed in the middle, nor should they ---IMHO.
Adults should be talking with each other regarding the kids, imagine your sd is only 5 1/2--do you think she should have to carry the insecurities of two adults that can't play nicey-nice???
He should let it go with the sd and talk directly with the BM. If BM won't talk then place everything in an email, no email? send certified mail.
He has never said anything
He has never said anything to SD. He has only had the communication with the EX through the book so was surprised when SD told him what the book said.
He was more wondering if he should say something to the Ex but is afraid that she will get angry again at SD.
The EX and my DH actually talk. She thinks he likes her and they do play nicey nice with one another. He was just upset with her actions over this (the fact that she said anything to SD and that she dressed her in that outfit knowing she was cold).
So, should he continue to tell the EX about his concerns and betray SD or just let it go? I am thinking let it go with the EX as well for fear that she gets mad at SD and then SD is afraid to share things with us (this one not so important but what about something in the future that is very relevant?)
Thanks for your input
Well... come on, the kid's not blind.
You know, I'm not trying to be mean here, but be realistic. Just because she's 5 1/2 doesn't mean she doesn't KNOW that that little book that goes back and forth between Mommy and Daddy doesn't talk about HER... TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!
As a child, my mother used to pass 'notes' back and forth between my teacher and her to make sure that I was 'staying in line' all because of my stepfather... mind you, I wasn't 'suppose' to read them, but I totally knew what they meant... it was all about me. So, don't kid yourself for a minute that this little girl is naive and doesn't have a complex about this book. Secondly, what happens when she begins to read? Are you guys going to put a lock and key on it then? I just think you really need to rethink this, because I can tell you first hand, it doesn't look well from her perspective, no matter what she may TELL you.
I don't think that your DH should say anything, that would only fuel the fire. BM is only upset because you pointed out a fault to her, not the pretty little outfit. If you have issues with things, I won't write it in the book, I'd email her/ write her certified letter, etc as suggested by Persephone while SD is with you on your time, then she would be out of the line of fiery fire from BM. Keep SD out of being a carrier pigeon.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
yes, some good advice but
yes, some good advice but the order for the book came from the courts. That order was made two years ago...she couldn't read then. She is learning to read now and we are back in court this fall so maybe that is a good time to have the courts change that order. At the time of the order the EX and hubby were in a heated battle so not talking, things have changed since then so maybe the courts will not make that order.
thanks for your comments
It is all so petty
Whether it is a communication book, notes or phone calls, this is all so petty! If the BM can't dress the SD so that she is warm in -26 (where do you live, Siberia????!) then what the hell is going on there? Why is the BM getting mad at the SD for telling you she's cold? What is THAT all about??
Too much sensitivity on this situation and a stupid BM trying to cause problems! Just ignore the bitch!!
The kid's welfare should come first.
That is just what we
That is just what we thought. We just find it frustrating that something as small as this and if we say anything then her back goes up and it is just taken out of context...SD said mommy said she will not send any more dressers or skirts over here you will have to get your own...think not on $1500.00 CS.
The concern was just that SD was cold. Anyway I know it seems trival but it just happens all the time whenever DH says anything she gets her back up. No wonder the DH don't want to say anything to their EX's.....god forbid if it is anything big. It just isn't worth the crap and then SD knows all about it.
I know that she knows the book is about her, in fact we have read some of our writings to her...the good ones only...and most are good because it goes along find between the EX and DH most of the time until he says boo. I just stay out of it and let them talk, email, correspond throught the book, go to events together (for their daugther)whatever. I just feel his frustrations.
we had the court ordered book too
But when the x finally realized that she was getting burned...we had proof in her own handwriting of her contempts she suddenly stopped sending the book (she didn't know I copied it everytime before he left for home) One of those things that is supposed to help, some it does I thnk others it doesn't. I agree by pushing this issue, the bm will probably take it out on the little girl ..such a shame. I would let it go. Do you think the book works for you? besides the recent issue? I realize it is "court ordered" but I wouldn't worry about getting in trouble about dropping it if bm is on board with that too, just a tool to help parents communicate with out the shouting??? sounds funny considering your post doesn't it? Especially at your sd's age, is she reading yet?
I think mostly the book has
I think mostly the book has been good. We have less communications with her. It includes things like ..she needs a bath tonight or how we spent the weekend. So in that sense it has been good. In the beginning after the court when things were really bitter there was a lot of fighting that went on in that book. Yes, it is evidence. I think she realizes that now. My husband deals with her always in a business like manner (that comes naturally). He says she is like a disgruntled employee and always tries to choose his words carefully.
We have used emails when more serious topics have come up...pictures of SD on a dating site with her mommy. She just incriminates herself through the book sometimes.
Like I said things are okay as long as we don't say anything. Things can't be like that...he is her dad and he has concerns. It is just a shame that the back has to go up everytime.
Funny they never shout at each other. She just talks at DH and he he just listens (actually he says he has mastered the art of tuning her out). DH is not a fighter..she is but he refuses to partake.
Maybe, you are right it is porbably okay to move away from the book. SD is not reading fully yet..certainly can't read writing but they are learning but it won't be long before she can pick up a book and read the story.
Dh and I discussed it last evening and I think it is best to let it go as well. At breakfast SD said to me can you remind daddy not to put a note in the book today I don't want mommy to get disappointed. That makes me sad. So I reasssured her that daddy wouldn't and I am sure mommy is never disappointed in her.
how sad for the little girl
I agree the book helped us at first to, made things simpler than having to talk about it all at the pick ups or drops, especially after our court fiasco(SP?lol) Can you imagine how much better off we would all be if the bm's were as supporting of us as we are of them in these situations. Bad enough we have to deal with it all but when WE have to reassure the kids about THE BM's love for them it is a crime. We never badmouth the bm's here, and infact always praise them to the kids about their love for them. Oh wait, I did find a dog toy once at the dollar store after the court thing, a fuzzy little thing with "the ex" written on it, but back then ss couldn't read and just thought he was playing with the dog....lol just a little stress relief for me back then.
Thanks...love the dog
Thanks...love the dog idea...I am a little late for it but could have used it. Any ideas for a almost 6 years old?
BM loves her daugther and is a good mom but I think the problem is she has no one and SD has become her friend. She tells her too much info. I know you can't shelter them from life but I believe there's plenty of time for all that stuff...you are only a kid once so why have the weight of the world on their little shoulders.
We only speak in a positive tone. We never discuss BM around her...maybe she can read our body language when she tells us ......like last week she asked if we could take her on a spring break because we have all the money and mommy has none (cringe...she gets well over $3000.00 per month from DH and has a job)....so daddy just says..."Honey don't you worry both mommy and daddy have enough money" She shouldn't be aware of things like that.
I guess we realize our jobs as parents and know what we do today affects their whole being. SD loves her mom, and she should she is a good mom, but I wish BM would understand the importance of a dad and a SM as well. That probably will never happen.
Oh, that's hilerious!
hmmm... a new therapy! LOL
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...