SD badmouthing both households
Hello! my husband and I have a very tough relationship (if you can even call it that) with the children's biological mother. Communication with her only occurs when she needs something or has something nasty to say. We have begged for communication for the sake of the children, but she is unwilling. SD is a sweet and very smart girl. We have noticed that she speaks very poorly about her mother and makes it seem like she doesn't want to go back, but now we're hearing things from her that tell us that SD is essentially saying all of the same things about us when she's at her bio-mom's house. We feel very betrayed and it causes an enormous amount of additional issues between the households, on top of what is already going on.
My questions are, how can we know which parts of what she's saying are true and which parts are just being said to manipulate us and how can we address this with her so that she still wants to communicate with us and when she's at her mother's house, but in an honest manner?
Edit---
Meant to say " but now we're hearing things from her BROTHER that tell us that SD is essentially..."
She's doing it to stir the
She's doing it to stir the pot and incite drama. Stop engaging in conversations about BM with her. If she brings it up, stay neutral with phrases like "Oh that's too bad" or "Okay" and change the subject. She's liking being in the adult conversations and it's not a good place for a kid to be.
I'm sure that she is saying
I'm sure that she is saying things at both houses that she feels she will get some "points" for with that parent.
Her parents may have unintentionally set up a dynamic where she feels she is getting praise or positive attention for putting down the other parent or home.
Unfortunately, it will take one or both of her parents calling her out on the "stories". Telling her that they know that their other parent isnt doing those things and that they don't appreciate lies.. even about their EX.
My SS did this, too - it's a
My SS did this, too - it's a dynamic that occurs when each side is willing to believe the worst about the other and the kid is trying to align with both sides.
If she says bad things about BM, tell her to go take it up with BM. Don't give her attention or reward her for badmouthing BM. And assume that BM will believe everything she says about you guys (BM here did).
Yep.. the girls would
Yep.. the girls would complain about their mother getting on their case about stuff.. and while it pained me to be supportive of their mother.. we did pretty much tell them that it was her house and her rules and that it was going to be up to the girls themselves to figure out how to deal with their mom.. and that they needed to not push her buttons if they didn't like the fallout.
Disengage from SD
Let her bio parents take care of her. Do not be alone with her. No driving her anyplace, buying,her anything. No family vacations with her. You are always going,to be the " Bad Guy" it's always going to be your fault.
I would not invest time and money into someone who bad mouths me. You will never win
When kids lie they need the
When kids lie they need the lesson that everything they say must be considered a lie. Everything.
"Is this your usual lies?"
Lather, rinse repeat.
Eventually most of them become more honest.
Tolerate no lies and confront the liar.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Sounds like she thinks
Sounds like she thinks talking bad about BM will make you all happy. Because thats what BM likes. Don't take it personal its just a way for her to survive living with BM