On the receiving end of abuse and I have to leave MY house
My 41M husband was abusive to me (38F) the other day, he was angry that I didn't tell him what time I'd be home and he doesn't like me leaving when he has his son (5). What gets to me is that they get to stay in my house (that I bought on my own prior to meeting him) whilst I've had to go elsewhere because I didn't want to be anywhere near them after the abuse. They get to use my house like a hotel, going out having fun all day whilst I've had to take myself elsewhere since Thursday.
Here's what happened:
He threatened to remove my video doorbell if I didn’t give him the login.
He threatened to message my mum
He told me I have PMDD (which I don’t)
He threatened to message my brother
I got annoyed and told him to F off out of my house if he’s going to treat me like that
He called me a vile piece of shit
He told me I was on the spectrum to which I replied 'your child is probably on the spectrum, he can't make eye contact' (I don't believe he is but I said it to get back at my husband)
I went to bed
He came upstairs, switched light on and ripped the duvet off me
We talked, he wanted an apology which I didn’t want to give, I told him to leave me alone
I put the duvet back on me and he ripped it off again and took the duvet downstairs with him
When he came back 30 mins later he called me ‘an angry nasty woman’, ‘don’t know how the f you were raised’ I said nothing
He asked the Alexa to play music and I flipped and shouted at him to either wake his child up so I could sleep in the spare room or go sleep in the spare room with his child himself. Of course he wouldn’t do either so I went downstairs.
Couple of hours later I go back upstairs and he called me a bitch, told me to F off
I had switched off the WiFi router to stop him playing music on the Alexa but I switched it on again before I went to bed.
The next morning he gave silent treatment, so I ignored him too
He stormed upstairs 8:55am, and says he knows I’ve blocked all his devices from the router (which I didn’t, my mesh just needed a reset) he says if I don’t have it working he’s going to keep switching off and on the router as he knows I’ll be working.
He calls me a vile piece of shit
I flipped and shouted at him from upstairs to get the F out of my house
He goes downstairs to the room where his child was and asks the child to repeat what he heard me say. Then says to the child ‘it’s ok, I’ll protect you’.
I was blocking the stairs and he points his phone camera at me and tells the child to go upstairs past me. I obviously had no choice but to begrudgingly let the child go up.
He later apologised but I still don’t want to be around him.
I left that evening after work, but the next day I had to go back to get my medication. I phoned him and asked him to leave, he said no so I requested they didn't interact with me when I was there and I explained I couldn't be around his son because he uses his son as a weapon to get me in trouble. Well guess what, I go upstairs to the bathroom and they both come up there and he asks the child to offer me some sweets as a peace offering. I calmly said I'm not supposed to be interacting, your dad's a nasty man. And I ignore them and go downstairs. Before I leave, I ask my husband to apologise to me in front of his son as I don't appreciate his son thinking I'm the bad one all the time, my husband complied. I then go and later get a message saying 'pushing past a 5 year old is a new low for you'. I absolutely did not push him! I just ignored them and went around them.
My husband has since apologised and taken accountability but I still haven't been able to go home, I don't intend to go back until Monday after SS has left.
My god, I did not think this was what I was signing up for. Even when being abused I'm the one that has to compromise all because my partner has a child.
I forgot to add, we have only
I forgot to add, we have only recently got married and he normally treats me very well. This was the first time he'd been so abusive towards me, he's normally very calm.
I don't care how well you
I don't care how well you imagine he treats you, this man (and I use the term loosely) is a violent, despicable abuser. Please see a lawyer ASAP. Nobody should be expected to live like this. Get him out of your house immediately. He is clearly trying to build a paper trail with his messages and videos. He is deliberately pushing you to get a reaction that he can use! Dammit woman, can't you see what his endgame is?
I see it crystal clear. I
I see it crystal clear. I know he's building a paper trail, I know he pushes me to get a reaction. I now have suspicions about his previous marriage- he claims his ex was violent towards him (and he has scars to prove), she was arrested too. But now I believe he must have provoked her too. He had video evidence of her abusing him which is why she got arrested.
There are all sorts of red flags - he wouldn't sign a prenup, this behaviour has only escalated now after just getting married. He acts up when it's my time of the month so he can blame my PMS.
So get yourself to see a
So get yourself to see a lawyer to protect your interests TOMORROW!
Based on this and your past
Based on this and your past blog, this guy sounds like dead weight. You mentioned before you had trouble finding a partner before and that's why you stayed. But it sounds like you had your life together, having your own house as a single woman.
I know it sounds that way,
I know it sounds that way, but we had made a lot of progress in our relationship and on all the issues I had previously. We were in a really good place leading up to and right after the wedding, I wouldn't have married him if I had doubts. This behaviour came out of nowhere. Yes I had my life together but I wanted to find love, I wanted to have children of my own.
A sperm bank would be better.
A sperm bank would be better. You're already paying for just about everything.
You Are Being GasLighted
Out of no where behavior?? Nah....from your first post, this IS his behavior. He's just good at hiding it for short periods. And manipuating you into believing him. I strongly urge you to do some research on your situation or speak with a counselor. You are being used. This man was spending every other weekend with another woman??? While you were dating??? And now physical violence only 5 months in????
Sweet lady, take off the blinders. Or find an advocate to help you due to your being on the Spectrum. I see no good coming from this. Is he even carrying his weight on the financial side now? (He wasn't from your first post).
I don't advocate for immediate divorce or ending relationships....I fought long and hard for my own. BUT I also see things in reality....your situation does not look good. If you have a child with this man....then you are attached to him for life. Just think of the damage he could do to you AND the child. Please....get some professional counseling to help you navigate this mess.
He is now pulling his weight
He is now pulling his weight financially. I'm not actually on the spectrum, he thinks I am despite me telling him I'm not and he says it to provoke me.
He hasn't been physically violent as such, except for ripping off the duvet but he never touched me.
We were having couples counselling prior to getting married, the counsellor didn't see any red flags with his behaviour, it was always turned on me that I needed to seek help for my reactive anger and I needed to make more efforts in bonding with SS. I did have individual counselling too with a different counsellor and we focussed on my issues, my husband hadn't been abusive at the time so none of his red flags were picked up there either.
I think it's the other poster
I think it's the other poster who is on the spectrum, but i agree. This guy will not be a good father. He puts his 5-year-old in the middle of a domestic disturbance. OP here can get out from under this guy free and clear. I doubt he has much claim to her house at this point, but a lawyer would know more.
Got It
Tou are correct in the spectrum comment I made. The posts are so similar, I thought it was the same person. Who'd have thought this one's DH would try to label her "on the spectrum". Makes this situation even more concerning. SMH
I think it's popular on
I think it's popular on TikTok to think you or someone you know is secretly on the spectrum. My youngest tried to say i was after watching a few of the videos.
End This NOW
I read your prior post....this guy was showing his flags in your dating/engagement days. I get it....we all want to ignore the red flags, hope they will go away or self correct. Your last (and only post) was in May. You were engaged. Now you are married. That's not even 6 months and this man is showing you yet again who he is. Abusers can only "hide" their true selves for short times. Trust me....this is the first of many of these events in your future. And they will only get worse.
Find yourself an attorney and divorce this guy asap.
Trust me....this is the first
This is what I'm worried about. I don't know what to believe. He was in a 12 year relationship prior to me and I don't believe he ever showed any signs of abuse then. I hope he doesn't do this again but I'll never know
You don't have to leave your
You don't have to leave your house. He needs to leave. See an attorney. Get him out. If need be, call the police. Neither of you should be placing a 5 year old in the middle and badmouthing the other through the kid, My god!
At the time I just didn't
At the time I just didn't want to stay in the same house as him, he'll never leave so I did. If I ask him to leave he says I'm evicting a child. I'm based in the UK, I don't know the laws but I know that as we're married, my spouse has a right to live in my house, unless I go to the courts (which I didn't want to do)
I live in the UK, and believe
I live in the UK, and believe me, he has violated the law many times in the way he's treated you. Your husband, WHEN you report him to the police, may spend up to 5 yrs in prison.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/criminal-law-information/coe...
Your husband sounds like a malignant narcissist who, now that you have married him, feels safe to abuse you. Please take action to protect yourself.
now that you have married him
Yes that's what it looks like. He thinks he's entitled to my house as well, now that we're married.
I wondered if his child has any right to live in my house? The child mostly lives with his mum but my husband has him EOWE + half holidays. I don't feel like I can be around the child now as my husband has used him as a weapon to frame me.
I have voice recordings from the incident and I will hang on to them, I have sought advice from 101 also. I didn't want any charges against my husband just because of this one isolated incident. But if it happens again I won't be so lenient.
The longer you wait, the more
The longer you wait, the more claim he might have over your home.
From what I understand, if you put your abusive husband out, you wouldn't be depriving a child of a ho e because that child's main residence is with his mother.
Please love yourself enough to put yourself first. You deserve SO much better.
If I were you I would be
If I were you I would be taking my voice recordings to a lawyer to get their opinion on next steps, and to get your ducks in a row, for when you decide to move forward on this. Believe me, your husband will abuse you again - it sounds like he has absolutely no boundaries and feels no compunction about treating your shamefully in order to get his own way.
This guy sounds like the
This guy sounds like the worst kind of parasite, with some similarities to the actual movie "Gaslight". He finds you, a single woman with her actual shit together, and tries to paint you as crazy to steal what you've worked for. And there is no telling what his poor 5-year-old has been through with the violence between his bio parents. I hate to say it, but this guy is following the blueprint to raise a little Narc Jr. Imagine living in the house with the 2 of them when the son is a teen, and his dad has been working on poisoning him against you since the beginning of your marriage.
Naturally, living in the US,
Naturally, living in the US, I don't know the laws in the UK, but I seriously doubt that when two people marry in the UK ALL of your premarital property now also belongs to your new spouse. This is is 2024, not 1500 or even 1950.
If you've been married a short time, I strongly urge you to seek an annulment. That will dissolve the marriage as if it never happened.
You have been DUPED. Your spouse played nice long enough to get you to marry him. He now believes he has you as a possession and he's letting his true colors show. This abusive behavior IS who he IS. Anything nice is just a mask he wears to pull you close again and get you to let down your guard until the next time he calls you names.
I know because I lived this with my 2nd husband. He is a covert narcissist and nearly everyone except women he's dated thinks he's such a great guy. He saves the really nasty stuff for his partners.
I befriended his first wife after our divorce. She was with him 30 years from the age of 15 - married 23 years. She said it was only a matter of time before he hit me. In 4.5 years, he hadn't hit me but abused me financially, mentally, emotionally and sexually. However, he had driven recklessly in anger, put a couple of holes in the wall, called me all kinds of names including the "C" word, had thrown things very close to hitting me and shoulder checked me once. It was only a matter of time and I believe the same can be said for your situation.
Please document his behavior. Tell other people, not just us. Going forward, do not leave your house when he has visitation. Move into the guest bedroom and set up a camera in your guest bedroom or a hidden camera in the hallway and main living room. Record his rants and behavior then involve the authorities. Get him removed from your house with a restraining order.
This is not good. It's going to get worse.
RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG
RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG
This will only get worse. Leave asap before he entraps you further. He sounds a lot like my EX husband. (He is an ex for a reason) You deserve better. You can have better.
See a lawer
Get this on record. You are onky married months . This is the honey moon phase of marriage. It's doesn't get better then this. Get him out of your home first thing. Give him a 30 day notice to leave. You have to start somewhere.
I agree with most of the
I agree with most of the feedback being offered. The lines your husband crossed indicate a deeply ingrained problem with respect and boundaries. You can have an off day and that would explain being grouchy or even yelling, but not him using his child in the way that he did, and his threats and demands. But I know it can be so hard to try to extricate oneself from a life you thought you had and would have with someone you feel love for.
I'm still staying away from
I'm still staying away from my house but will be returning today. This morning my husband sends this (don't worry, I won't believe everything he says, I need to see changes):
I’ve had some time to think over what happened, and I realise there were things I could have handled differently. I know that I may have pressed on some points, and I didn’t mean for it to come across as controlling or hurtful. I want you to feel respected and valued in every way.
This time apart has made it clear to me that, for us to move forward healthily, it’s essential that we both work together and support each other’s well-being. I truly believe we can make this work, but it needs to be a two-way street, with both of us acknowledging our roles and committing to better communication and understanding.
When we get back I’d like us to consider a few practical steps that I think could help us both, like returning to couples counseling to work on boundaries and communication, and perhaps looking into treatment options that might support us both when things get challenging. I know we both want a happy, loving home and I believe we can build that together.
If you’re open to it, let’s talk about how we can move forward from here, with a focus on mutual respect and understanding. But it’s important we look forward not back, we’ve both apologised for things we said and did, now we look forward with positivity and love
He's feeding you a load of
He's feeding you a load of guff because he realises that, without you and without your home, he probably couldn't make it on his own. He's trying to hoover you back in. Please note that he keeps on about how you are both at fault. Pfft, I've read your other post. He's toxic and abusive.
Please see a lawyer and lay it ALL out before you make any decisions. You truly need an outside professional opinion. After all, you don't want to lose everything you worked so hard for to an abusive jerk.
https://psychcentral.com
https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse
"Treatment options?!" Girl,
"Treatment options?!" Girl, he's gonna try to get you diagnosed and medicated into compliance. Gaslight!
ETA the language in the letter almost reads like he's expecting a lawyer or a judge to read it at some point. Very business like. More like something you would send an ex that you expect to be in court against.
I thought it was very formal
I thought it was very formal too but he uses ChatGPT a lot so I figured he probably just had ChatGPT write something out for him.
Yep no idea what he means by treatment options! He's convinced I have PMDD after watching married at first sight and one of the ladies had it.
This is just the next step in
This is just the next step in his paper trail. Just imagine if he manages to get you declared unfit and he becomes your POA ... This man is DANGEROUS! Go and talk to your local police officers and show them what you have, tell them that you are afraid and ask them what can be done to protect you. Make sure you tell them that you are afraid to go home and it's YOUR HOUSE!
What kind of person would use
What kind of person would use ChatGPT to write the letter asking his wife to come home after leaving? I agree, this is a paper trail. If he were heartbroken and wanting you to take him back, he would not use ChatGPT.
That is exactly what I
That is exactly what I thought .
Privately get yourself
Privately get yourself evaluated for PMDD. Get a doctor's opinion without telling him. Then if he tries to pull that one on you, you have documented proof you don't have it.
Next, you MUST get individual counseling to work on how to not react to him. This was a tough one for me, but you MUST learn to gray rock - that's a non emotional response to his behavior.
He is deliberately setting you up to act out but YOU are 100% in control of this. Each of us is 100% responsible for our own behavior no matter how hard someone pushes our buttons.
((hugs))
Practical steps are for him
Practical steps are for him to pack up and move.... this relationship is over. period.
do not go down any concilliatory path with this nutjob
What a bunch of impersonal
What a bunch of impersonal rubbish his message is. Too late, he already showed you who he really is. A message like this would make me even more determined to leave. He beats you down one day and then tries to smooth things over the next. He knows you would rather not deal with the drama of leaving him and it's easier to stay. This isn't an apology. He is so full of it. I agree with others that this sounds more like he is planning his strategy to further entrap you rather than a repair attempt.
At first, I thought it was
At first, I thought it was the police saying you had to leave.. but it sounds like it is that he is just so obstinate that you feel like you have no other option.
So, I would say legally, you do not have to leave.. BUT.. you do need to protect yourself from abuse and if leaving temporarily is what you need to do to keep yourself safe, then you do it.
AND.. if it has gotten to the point where you have to do something like that, the relationship is dead.. you need to break up and he needs to leave. permanently.
A few things
I know that many of the responses you have received here are Leave, get out, Run, etc. I understand where everyone is coming from and do not disagree, but I also know that it's easier said than done. We want to believe there is hope and things can be worked on. But there are some things that just stand out as things that seem to show his character, which is nothing to change. To me it shows you are in for a long road of similar incidents or frustrations, because of his lack of character.
Here is where my issues are with what has transpired, aside from the obvious, which is your DH's absolutely disgusting behavior during the incident itself.
- He had absolutely zero qualms about using his SON as a weapon, or involving a 5yr old in a mess. Take you and him out of it- it says a lot about a person's character when they will purposefully involve a 5YR OLD in a very aggressive argument. "Repeat what she said"?? What?! So even if he wants to work on things and blah blah blah....I would go back to that. There is no erasing that. This is character. This is not the kind of thing you work through with a partner.
- He definitely put a lot of ownership on you in his CHATGPT MESSAGE. (If he really did use Chat GPT, add that to this list of concerns because NO). It was blah blah blah, we need to both be willing to change. And yes while you could have done things differently, He certainly owns the majority of the fault for this train wreck. Yet he did not own it. He found a flowery way of saying you both need to work on it, that kept him from truly owning his part. "It needs to be a two-way street, I believe we can both make it work". He made sure you knew that YOU had tons to do!
- Even if he's paying his part now, he sure took advantage of you for as long as he could. Back to that character thing!
- No one calls their partner a Vile Piece of Shit that is on the Spectrum. DH and I have gotten into some BIG fights. He has said mean things. We are going to counseling. But if he had said that to me....we would not be doing this. That is honestly unforgivable. The fact that those words came out of his mouth is honestly just heartbreaking for you.
- Is he still hanging out with his female friend and her kid EOWE?? Because NO. Red flags all-around.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just know that you are in a good position, you can stand up for yourself, you do not have to take this as your life, and there is more out there for you than this BS. I also know it's not easy to walk away from a marriage. But you CAN do it.
Call the police and have him
Call the police and have him removed.
PERIOD