Really thinking I have had enough
Almost 4 years into this nightmare and really not much has changed. Well, I have more gray hair and wrinkles, if that counts as change. None the less my saying is "everything happens for a reason" must be true when it comes to me and my bf. As the days click by, I think wow isnt moving on with my life alone looking more and more appealing to me!
Every other week without his daughter ( 6 yrs old) is great, BF and I get along, we are kind and loving towards each other and our son is an angel. Then comes the week hell visit with his daughter. My bf SIL told me, "you know its not her that you cant stand, its the fact that she acts like her mother that gets to you" and I couldnt agree more!
The whining, the lip straight down to the floor, the constant need for attention, hardly ever smiling... I really wish I could leave for the week she is here and then come back when it is all over! I think ok, its me I am the reason she acts this way. I am totally not like her mother; I expect her to listen, act her age, not cry at the drop of a hat, wear shoes, comb her hair, eat with a fork...gah it just drives me nuts!
The other day the BF says "the very reason I have not asked you to marry me yet, is the way you are towards my daughter" and I said "what does that mean?"... to which he replys... "you are too hard on her". Too hard!! What? Expecting her to not call his name 50 times a day, to dress herself, wash her hands when she uses the rest room, not slam doors, not put her face in the dogs face (that btw has already bit her once for being too rough)... the list goes on!
So I think to myself, if expecting her to be the same as our son, and not like she is "special" because BF only gets a week at a time with her, is being too hard... then hot darn I need to start packing now!
Basically, I know in my heart that I am only staying for our son and that I do love my BF... but I know I will never love my bf daughter. I care for her but I know I will never love her like a "daughter"... so do I stay for the two good reasons, or leave for the fact I dont love his daughter and think I shouldnt have to. It just doesnt seem to get any better no matter what I try to tell myself or maybe I am just looking for an out.
I dont think I was meant for the step life... whats wrong with me?
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
This helped me quite a bit.
I know how you feel, I wish
I know how you feel, I wish that his boys spent less time here. When they are here our whole house is in chaos, and when they are gone even though there are 4 other children here our house is peacefull and loving, almost too good to be true (there still are moments of frenzy)I just wish I didn't have to deal with their hellish behavior, in fact when they come for the weekend I try to arrange for some other place for my children to have a sleepover at so they are not influenced by their bad behavior.
reading your guys
reading your guys conversation is so helpful for me...i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have no children together..he has a 6 yo. daughter, and for the first 2 years the bm wasnt around and has since come back into the picture..ive done all the mommy stuff for her but this lady walks back into the door 2 years later and shes calling her mommy and talking about all the wonderful things her mommy does for her...we have no behavioral issues...i just get hurt..because i feel like i get no validation...
Don't you wish he was a
Don't you wish he was a widower!! I know I wish my DH had been, and so does he!!!!LOL!!!
Nothing wrong with you hun!
Nothing wrong with you hun! Its your bf fn' guilt parenting !!! and being a whimp of a father. I think you should speak again with good ole bf and make your feelings clear and consise. LIST everything, heck take pics when she acts up , like beingin the dogs face, ...make a list and tell him, its not normal for a 6 year old to not be able to get dressed, not wash her hands...she is whiney because of you guys...both parents.
Either he straightens himself as a father or its quits. You are not the problem. HE is.
As for yourself, can u disengage ? Basically , slowly begin to do things without her when she acts up. Go to the park with your son. Go visit relatives...and be clear with bf that you will never love his daughter and that you dont hate her but the way she acts is not acceptalbe and he has to accept that you will not favor her, you will not replace her mother, you are not her mother but that doesnt mean you have to put up with crap.
sorry...for what you have to go through...i know it must be tough because you do have your son to consider and bf is the dad as well. BUt both of you have to seriously sit down and if it cannot be ironed out then...you have to deal with split up and visitation for your son.
I have tried to disengage,
I have tried to disengage, only makes it worse. BF thinks that me disengaging isnt helping the situation and makes it feel like he isnt in a relationship with me when his daughter is around. He cant understand how me separating myself from the issue makes any sense... yes I know I am dealing with a wall of duh over here!
Evil as it may sound... I wish he didnt have her so much! YES I said it. And makes it worse that we have her 50/50 but yet he still pays child support to his inbred half-wit ex-wife! Oh and did I mention the ex is now remarried and has moved in with her new INLAWS! So this sorry biatch has a new husband and child support and STILL cant live on her own. PATHETIC!
She even has the balls to tell BF that she is giving her mother the money she gets from him because her mother has fallen on hard times! Are you f'n joking me! Takes the money meant to help take care of his daughter, gives it to her mother all while living with her new inlaws! I must be in a nightmare that I cant wake up from!
On top of it all... I feel like all the happiness has been sucked out of my relationship with bf due to all the drama. And has really tarnished how I feel towards him and any future we may have. Everytime I think, gah I really love him, and want to be his wife... something in my heart says NO... you wont really be happy because marriage wont make it better, it will just tie you to the unhappiness legally!
F that! If he thinks that
F that! If he thinks that holding her accountable makes things hard on her then i would counter by disengaging. I wouldn`t try and change a thing about her. I would just be politely reserved but have no emotional dealings. If you are trying to teach her things that DH found acceptable with your son but somehow it`s not acceptable when it comes to his daughter, what the heck can you possibly do.
I think its a good thing you
I think its a good thing you are not married to this guy, because it would be a lot more difficult to leave. If you have a son together I think you should do everything possible to work this out such as therapy/counseling. When his daughter is over, maybe make plans to be out more. I know how you feel. I will never 'love' my SD13 but I do respect her. I treat her and my SS18 more like a big sister I think. I don't feel like a stepmom nor do I want the role. Yes I put myself in this situation but only because I am very much in love with my husband.