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My boyfriend doesn't understand... how do I get him to hear me!! HELP!

hanginginthere4now's picture

Submitted by hanginginthere4now on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 3:48pm

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I'm a 31 year old -no kids, never married, dating and living with a 38 year old with a 5 year old daughter. We have her 50% of the time and the BM refuses to meet me but has no problem putting limits on my involvement with her daughter. My biggest struggle is with my BF... he doesn't seem to understand how hard it is to be in a relationship with him, his daughter and his ex. He thinks I should simply accept it and figure it out. I struggle daily with anxiety of when his daughter comes to stay with us, finding my place in our home, resenting his daughter because "WE" doesn't always include me. anger and frustration with his ex, she refuses to meet me but is quick to tell my BF she's not comfortable with me spending time alone with their daughter, and has taken it to communicate negative connotations to her 5 yo that it's not safe to get in a car with me. So now she's scared of me. I am most frustrated because I now feel isolated in my own home, no support from my BF and ready to throw in the towel. I love him so much and adore his daughter but how do i get through to him and get him to hear me and help me navigate through this relationship :(:(?? Nobody said it was easy but nobody ever said it would be this damn hard!!

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 3:55pm

Be gone when skid is there and when she's gone. Let him see what its like without you. Don't do anything to help him or SD. DON'T. DO. ANYTHING. FOR. THEM.

BTW, stomach has been in knots for months because of skid crap. Time to take our lives back now Smile

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 4:31pm

I agree this is not a relationship I would want any part of. You are obviously not serious enough for him to take seriously and back up. Go out find a childless man while you still can. At the very least find a MAN who will back you instead of playing with this BOY your dating who is still playing house with BM.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Fri, 06/03/2011 - 8:29am

Double YEP!!

Read the WARNING SIGNS and RUN!:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 4:54pm

I agree w/the others. And you need to set your BF straight about putting BM in her place. He needs to let her know that you are his mate and he doesn't appreciate her spewing negative foolishness about you to BD . . .making you out to be some type of monster. It's hurtful, cruel and disrespectful. She has no basis for her actions.

The bigger problem here isn't BM or his BD it's your BF's lack of regard for your feelings. He wants you to go along with it and make happy for everyone? Do you enjoy being treated like some type of degenerate or felon? Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, and if things don't change, you plan to end the relationship. His actions will determine your course of action. It's time to force his hand.

steppingitup's picture

Submitted by steppingitup on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 10:17pm

I agree with the ladies - get out.
The ONLY thing that has kept me going when the BM and/or skids issues get crazy is how my DH has ALWAYS been on my side, understood that this is hard for me, and has NEVER let there be a "we" that didn't include me. We are a team, everything else is 2nd.
BM will prob. get worse, not better. I would suggest taking care of yourself and moving on (trust me, I know how hard it is but you should do it now before you get in deeper) and give your love to a child-free guy or at least a wonderful guy who REALLY understands how hard this situation is for a new stepmom and supports YOU 1st, right out of the gate...xo

rainedaze's picture

Submitted by rainedaze on Fri, 06/03/2011 - 2:33am

Please please please end this relationship now before it's too late. Never ever ever ever marry a man with kids. Whatever problems you think are there now will only quadruple after you are married!!! Trust us! You will have pain and heartbreak for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!

hanginginthere4now's picture

Submitted by hanginginthere4now on Fri, 06/03/2011 - 12:45pm

I can't thank everyone enough for their straight forward and heartbreaking advice. I have come back and read these comments over and over again almost hourly... I have decided to take your advice and end my relationship. I realize that I am the only one out of my BF, the BM and the SD that wanted this relationship to work and to function on a healthy level. A fight I would never win. Thank you for saving me years of heart break, instead my heartbreaks now... but it will heal and I will move on.

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Fri, 06/03/2011 - 2:24pm

Well I know it's tough but now that you've made your decision. I wish you all the best... May you find true love and true happiness...

Cheers to you.... Z Smile

roseslady2's picture

Submitted by roseslady2 on Sat, 06/04/2011 - 6:18pm

If he's not willing to stand up for you, he might be having reservations too. My DH didn't introduce me to his kids until we were near getting engaged. You should have a discussion with him about if he is really ready for this step. If he can't stand up for you and he says he's ready, then he has no backbone with his ex. Do you want to deal with a DH that can't stand for you in your own family? :?