How about family counseling instead of just seeing a psychologist yourself? Or couples counseling, if the kids don't come around often (I'm guessing EOW means every once in a while? Still not up on these abbreviations). Couples counseling may help your DW realize that she needs to make the kids show respect for you, whether they want to or not. They are still young, if the problems are not fixed now, the teenage years will be hell.

Personally I think you have made the right decision to disengage. I found over the years that if a relationship is "forced" nobody will be happy.

You shouldn't be expected to be a babysitter, either. That happened to me, SD would ask to spend an extra night (at that time DH worked 3rd shift) and he would say yes without consulting me regardless of the fact that he wouldn't be here.

If she's open to it, maybe you and DW could seek some family counseling with a counselor who specializes in stepfamilies. I wish I had.

The real problem here is DH.... not the skids. DH is taking total advantage of you and expecting too much. Disengaging is good, but unfortunately, it does not facilitate healing within the family. After a disengagement, time goes by, but then... it is time for a serious talk with DH, gaining his support to build a foundation that his family can grow on.

It is unreasonable for DH to think that "things are better" during disengagement. I am a firm believer that if DH has the child EOW.... the responsibilities lie with DH. He should be taking care of all of the child's business. This includes, cleaning up after them, running their errands, and forking out the cash when necessary. Frankly, you could take the position as the good time stepmom. Only agree to do the "fun" stuff. Once rapport with the kids is built, respect comes from that.

Do not, I repeat, do NOT allow DH to put his head in the sand where his children are concerned regarding RESPECT. (addressed to Earthshaker: )Any DH that allows his teenage children to use the "f" word when addressing their step parent is WAY OUT OF LINE, and frankly, has no respect for the Stepmom either. Imagine how they would feel if it was YOUR CHILD speaking to THEM like that?

Address DH regarding this. Do not give in to nonsense. Tell him that if he does not immediately correct that situation and make it clear to the kids in your presence, that it will not be tolerated, then he must enjoy his visitation OUTSIDE YOUR HOME. Period.

You should not be uncomfortable in your own home. The skids do NOT run the house, or the family dynamics.

Good Luck.

Hi Monkey

I wonder why you are seeing a psychologist? Is that your wife's suggestion? It's the sort of thing I would do to try to get my DH to do things my way - change him to my satisfaction. Shameful I know but there you go. We women don't control with force but omg we have developed methods.....I am trying to change me nowadays instead of everyone else. Wish me luck lol.

Anyway back to the point you raise. The relationship between you and her children is none of her business. Unfortunately, we Mums sometimes get our boundaries blurred between us and our children. We think if you are detaching from our children, you will detach from us. We think we are the same as the children. It's a natural defense thing and very instinctive. It subsides usually as the children grow older unless there is something unhealthy going on.

I agree with the suggestion you both need counselling - find someone specialising in step families. Her even more than you. She thinks she has to defend her children from you and that is going to cause damage. She is wrong and she needs lots of reassurance that her children are fine and she is fine and you love her even though you and her children may never bond.

You see she thinks you are going to step up and be a Dad for her kids - all loving and with a natural wish to cherish and protect them. She thought it would be just like a non-step family. She wants that for them. She loves them and that is a good thing. But she needs to learn that you are not their Dad. Getting on with each other is hard enough. I mean living under the same roof for even a few days with someone else's kids deserves a sainthood imo. If she doesn't learn all about the reality vs the fantasy soon, and learn to accept the differences and challenges step families create, she will be unhappy and it could end sadly for everyone.

All the very best to you both. My DH and I went through the same things.

I also chose to disengage from my SD15 and SD19. It was the best thing I ever did. The older one is starting to see the light now... and I think SD15 is finally starting to figure out that Im not going to engage with her anymore, so I speak when spoken to, I do NOTHING for her and when she is at my house I just go about my business as if she is not even there. It has worked like a charm. I just wish I had have done it earlier. We tried the family counselling thing int he beginning and it was just a disaster. I figure if they come around to see that Im not an evil person...great...if not, too bad for them. Im done trying. Good luck to you!