Question for step with adult step kids

Forums:

Ok call me Awful but I pray to god SD21 NEVER comes back.

SD was always a nightmare from the time she was 11. Stealing, lying, spying on DH and I and "reporting" back to BM, Horribly disrespectful and refuse to fall our rules. When SD was 15 DH had finally had enough and told DH either straighten up and follow our rules, stop spying for BM and being disrespectful or she is not welcome back in our home. SD basically said F you and has not been back since she was 15. She is 21 now.

I know DH misses SD21 and I really fear if SD21 contacted DH he may give in. Know I Realize people can change but SD was really Horrible and I check her social media Occasionally and she has not changed. SS also says she is still nasty.

So my question is for those who had rotten step kids who had a falling out with DH during teen years did they reach out when they became adults??? I pretty positive DH will not make the first move to contact SD21 BUT if she reached out to DH not sure how he would react.

My SS21 was alienated from

My SS21 was alienated from ages 15-18. He started talking to DH again with BM's encouragement because she feared the alienation would interfere with her getting ongoing child support and tuition ordered (CS goes to 21 here). During the 3 years he was alienated, my DH never stopped trying to contact him.

Anyway, at first, I told DH I wanted nothing to do with him and DH would need to see him outside our home. He agreed to that. Gradually I warmed up to SS again, though, I will say - he was not as rotten as your SD sounds like she was. He did lie about us in court and to therapists, etc, but he was never rude to our faces. Since that time, DH and SS talk on occasion, but it's very superficial and we rarely see him (DH is very disappointed in him, he's totally a Failure to Launch poster boy).

My point is - regardless of what DH decides to do, you can put boundaries around your willingness to allow her into your home.

What do you think your DH

What do you think your DH would "give in" to?

You don't have to be around her, DH can see her elsewhere, if he chooses to resume a relationship with her.

Read my Blogs

Its all detailed there. Also, I suggest you scope out the Forum titled Adult Stepkids

SD22 Feral Forger - has always been mean and nasty and lies and steals ever since I met her at age 15.5. She plays victim and ever since she had moved in with the Toxic Troll Bm, there has been drama and even SD15 Backstabber sais she hasnt changed and shes still mean nasty manipulative and lies.

If they havent been parented and they start off bad, they dont get better over time they get worse. SD22 doesnt have a drivers license and no job and just uses those she can sucker in.

She went no contact after the last and third time asking DH if she could move back in to her old room a few months ago. Well, DH instead of directly approaching her, just said "well if you came over to our house the issues would be the same and you have to make things right with CLove as shes my wife." Crickets chirping.

She then sent me a nasty text telling me that ever since I came into their lives her dad hasnt been her dad and hes just been her sperm donor and I traumatized her by yelling at her. She plays the victim so easily and so well by now, and she will verbally abuse people and then turn around and fabricate a story that the person she abused was the one abusing. I did not respond.

So - DH is welcome to have a relationship with her (and any dna samples she spits out in the future) but I want nothing to do with her. Shes his daughter, but thats all she is to me. And SD15 backstabber is slowly but surely going in the direction of only being DH's daughter and thats all.

So - if he "gives in" and tries having a relatoinship with her, make certain that he knows the boundaries that you have and doesnt try to break them. I read a few of your earlier posts and he doesnt seem to have your back on some things. Thats like mine = he has my back on SOME things and not others.

Set Boundaries

There have been short times DH's kids would not talk with him but that's pretty much their relationships anyway. One son, local, never calls or visits his dad and there is zero animosity between those two. He just doesn't know how to treat a father (how they were raised). We've had a 3 year period where I refused to have them in our home (all are adults now. 26-42). I put up with more toxic behavior in 12 years than anyone should so I finally put my foot down. I have zero contact with them. DH maintains his relationship how he sees fit but I do not get involved unless it's violating my boundaries. I've finally gotten to the place (lots of therapy) that I'm able to say three of his kids can come back into our home to visit him. I won't be rude but I have nothing to say and will spend the time in my studio. He will also handle any and all entertaining of them. Two of them are not allowed anywhere near me and I doubt that will ever change. False accusations do not bode well in my world. So, DH will need to continue seeing them outside the home.

So, short version. Let your DH handle his relationship with his daughter. If it is salvageable, then set your boundaries. It may be that he sees her outside of the marital home (like we did, therapist advised, I'll add). I'd start thinking about that, maybe see a counselor to discuss and have a plan in place. Hugs.