So he sees his 4yr old about 48hrs every other week? I'd think a quick goodnight every evening wouldn't be inappropriate. At least every two or three days.
What's the issue? Is he currently calling everyday three or four times?
Most four year olds aren't going to 'talk' very long on a phone.
Yes He calls her everyday. They talk for awhile each day, which is no problem. I thought every 2 or 3 days was appropriate as well. The BM just makes sure she keeps him informed of every aspect of HER and the kids daily lives. Fiance and BM talk at least 5 to 10 minutes theirselves a day. I just feel uncomfortable when him and BM talk about everyday things that have nothing to do with the kids. He says he doesn't want to be with her and never will but I just feel as if he would be happier with her and his kids everyday.they seem to make him happier than i do, and I have a Baby on the way with him too!!! I feel like it's gonna get really hectic around here when our baby comes .
So the issue isn't phone with SD, it' too much communication with BM.
The adults should communicate but no need for tons of daily updates nor really verbal. Email is suitable for activity discussion, dr appointments and follow-up reports, pre-school calendars blah blah. The bulk of communication should be in a matter that all the adults are comfortable with and email also documents the communication in event it's later needed.
There is no need to daily BM/DH contact and chatty phone visits. Dad can call his daughter at set time and set days. Except to hand the phone to child, BM's interference and participation isn't needed.
Yes He calls her everyday. They talk for awhile each day, which is no problem. I thought every 2 or 3 days was appropriate as well. The BM just makes sure she keeps him informed of every aspect of HER and the kids daily lives. Fiance and BM talk at least 5 to 10 minutes theirselves a day. I just feel uncomfortable when him and BM talk about everyday things that have nothing to do with the kids. He says he doesn't want to be with her and never will but I just feel as if he would be happier with her and his kids everyday.they seem to make him happier than i do, and I have a Baby on the way with him too!!! I feel like it's gonna get really hectic around here when our baby comes .
Please do not suggest your DH only call his daughter every 2-3 days. If he can, it is very good for his relationship with his child to speak to her every day. My DH used to talk to his kids multiple times a day.
Your real issue is that you seem somewhat insecure about his contact with his EX. He has tried to reassure you that he has no interest in going back to her. If he isn't trying to hide the conversation and it's only a few minutes of "niceties", I really don't see what the big deal is with that. Maybe this is how he thinks he should act with his EX so that they are able to co-parent their child? Shoot, I know a lady who used to go on "family vacations" with her EX and his new wife and her kids! Maybe they have decided that an amicable split was best for their child and are trying to make that work.
"I just feel as if he would be happier with her and his kids everyday.they seem to make him happier than i do, and I have a Baby on the way with him too!!! I feel like it's gonna get really hectic around here when our baby comes."
I think you might benefit from some counseling for yourself. 5-10 minute conversations about current events or the weather do NOT mean he wants to be with her. If you were so unsure of your status with him, having a BABY was probably not the best step to take either. He clearly is still with you. Those 5-10 minutes out of 24 HOURS in the day are not going to take anything away from you and your child.
I actually vote for saying nothing to him and figuring out how YOU can adjust your mindset. If you absolutely feel you have no choice but to say something, I would definitely play it as this is a problem that is due to YOUR perception and if he could help you feel more secure by keeping his off topic discussions brief with his EX, you would feel better. I would tread carefully because this comes awfully close to being super controlling and that is liable to have the completely opposite effect that you want.
I think two or three time a week on the weeks he doesn't see her on the weekend and then once on the week before she she visits for the weekend. She's four; she's not doing much like school or whatever to talk to him about. I know people say that it's best the child get to speak to their parent everyday but at four its really hard to get the kids to want to sit on the phone everyday for five or so minutes. From personal experience when BM calls SS4 he either doesn't want to talk at all or if she asks him what he did he doesn't remember or lies and says nothing even if we spent the day out.
A few minutes a day WITH THE CHILD is appropriate NOT the mom. He should not speak to the mom about anything other than schedule changes, behavior problems, significant events involving the child, etc. This can be done via text in most cases. My DH and I chat with exs in front of each other but never alone, and allow each other to read all communication between exs if requested. That's just our rule. We rarely need it.
Every divorced person I have known who was ultra besties with the ex (for the child's sake of course - barf) has ended up having inappropriate physical contact with the ex. May not have ended in full blown sex - but something inappropriate took place.
It is virtually impossible to be emotionally intimate with someone that you have shared physical intimacy with for an extended period of time without some physical tugs erupting. I've known people who divorced when they came out of the closet as gay who later slept with their ex. It's a strong pull.
The child should be able to talk to either parents as often as they like. Given that she's only 4 in this case, DH should ring her each night just before her bed time to ask what she did that day, say goodnight and see you soon. When BM comes on the phone to talk about the kids that's fine, but as soon as the subject changes to random things DH needs to say "Ok, well kids sorted, I have to go, bye".
So he sees his 4yr old about
So he sees his 4yr old about 48hrs every other week? I'd think a quick goodnight every evening wouldn't be inappropriate. At least every two or three days.
What's the issue? Is he currently calling everyday three or four times?
Most four year olds aren't going to 'talk' very long on a phone.
Yes He calls her everyday.
Yes He calls her everyday. They talk for awhile each day, which is no problem. I thought every 2 or 3 days was appropriate as well. The BM just makes sure she keeps him informed of every aspect of HER and the kids daily lives. Fiance and BM talk at least 5 to 10 minutes theirselves a day. I just feel uncomfortable when him and BM talk about everyday things that have nothing to do with the kids. He says he doesn't want to be with her and never will but I just feel as if he would be happier with her and his kids everyday.they seem to make him happier than i do, and I have a Baby on the way with him too!!! I feel like it's gonna get really hectic around here when our baby comes .
So the issue isn't phone with
So the issue isn't phone with SD, it' too much communication with BM.
The adults should communicate but no need for tons of daily updates nor really verbal. Email is suitable for activity discussion, dr appointments and follow-up reports, pre-school calendars blah blah. The bulk of communication should be in a matter that all the adults are comfortable with and email also documents the communication in event it's later needed.
There is no need to daily BM/DH contact and chatty phone visits. Dad can call his daughter at set time and set days. Except to hand the phone to child, BM's interference and participation isn't needed.
Yes He calls her everyday.
Yes He calls her everyday. They talk for awhile each day, which is no problem. I thought every 2 or 3 days was appropriate as well. The BM just makes sure she keeps him informed of every aspect of HER and the kids daily lives. Fiance and BM talk at least 5 to 10 minutes theirselves a day. I just feel uncomfortable when him and BM talk about everyday things that have nothing to do with the kids. He says he doesn't want to be with her and never will but I just feel as if he would be happier with her and his kids everyday.they seem to make him happier than i do, and I have a Baby on the way with him too!!! I feel like it's gonna get really hectic around here when our baby comes .
Thank you so much!! That's
Thank you so much!! That's how I feel. I will try to discuss it more with him
Please do not suggest your DH
Please do not suggest your DH only call his daughter every 2-3 days. If he can, it is very good for his relationship with his child to speak to her every day. My DH used to talk to his kids multiple times a day.
Your real issue is that you seem somewhat insecure about his contact with his EX. He has tried to reassure you that he has no interest in going back to her. If he isn't trying to hide the conversation and it's only a few minutes of "niceties", I really don't see what the big deal is with that. Maybe this is how he thinks he should act with his EX so that they are able to co-parent their child? Shoot, I know a lady who used to go on "family vacations" with her EX and his new wife and her kids! Maybe they have decided that an amicable split was best for their child and are trying to make that work.
"I just feel as if he would be happier with her and his kids everyday.they seem to make him happier than i do, and I have a Baby on the way with him too!!! I feel like it's gonna get really hectic around here when our baby comes."
I think you might benefit from some counseling for yourself. 5-10 minute conversations about current events or the weather do NOT mean he wants to be with her. If you were so unsure of your status with him, having a BABY was probably not the best step to take either. He clearly is still with you. Those 5-10 minutes out of 24 HOURS in the day are not going to take anything away from you and your child.
I actually vote for saying nothing to him and figuring out how YOU can adjust your mindset. If you absolutely feel you have no choice but to say something, I would definitely play it as this is a problem that is due to YOUR perception and if he could help you feel more secure by keeping his off topic discussions brief with his EX, you would feel better. I would tread carefully because this comes awfully close to being super controlling and that is liable to have the completely opposite effect that you want.
I think two or three time a
I think two or three time a week on the weeks he doesn't see her on the weekend and then once on the week before she she visits for the weekend. She's four; she's not doing much like school or whatever to talk to him about. I know people say that it's best the child get to speak to their parent everyday but at four its really hard to get the kids to want to sit on the phone everyday for five or so minutes. From personal experience when BM calls SS4 he either doesn't want to talk at all or if she asks him what he did he doesn't remember or lies and says nothing even if we spent the day out.
Agree with OUTLAWSTEPS. At
Agree with OUTLAWSTEPS.
At age 4 I think "I love you good night, see you soon" is about all they can deal with as a listener.
OR "Mom told me you went to the playground today, did you have FUN"?
JMO
I asked my H, he said he
I asked my H, he said he called and spoke to his kid about three to four times a week, when she wasn't with him.
A few minutes a day WITH THE
A few minutes a day WITH THE CHILD is appropriate NOT the mom. He should not speak to the mom about anything other than schedule changes, behavior problems, significant events involving the child, etc. This can be done via text in most cases. My DH and I chat with exs in front of each other but never alone, and allow each other to read all communication between exs if requested. That's just our rule. We rarely need it.
Every divorced person I have
Every divorced person I have known who was ultra besties with the ex (for the child's sake of course - barf) has ended up having inappropriate physical contact with the ex. May not have ended in full blown sex - but something inappropriate took place.
It is virtually impossible to be emotionally intimate with someone that you have shared physical intimacy with for an extended period of time without some physical tugs erupting. I've known people who divorced when they came out of the closet as gay who later slept with their ex. It's a strong pull.
The child should be able to
The child should be able to talk to either parents as often as they like. Given that she's only 4 in this case, DH should ring her each night just before her bed time to ask what she did that day, say goodnight and see you soon. When BM comes on the phone to talk about the kids that's fine, but as soon as the subject changes to random things DH needs to say "Ok, well kids sorted, I have to go, bye".