Parent Teacher Conferences
Forums:
We have a Parent Teacher Conference coming up for SS6. I'm interested in knowing what the general consensus is on how to handle this as a SM.
We have 50/50 custody of SS. I am as involved in his day to day life, homework and learning as either his BM or BF.
BM has stated in the past (before BF and I moved in together) that it is a general rule that Step Parents do not attend due to limited space and too many voices.
I think it is important for me to attend as well, at our home I am the one who most often is helping with homework and skill building. I want to hear what the teachers and case workers (he is on the autism spectrum) have to say instead of getting all of my information 2nd hand.
I'm open to any and all feedback. 
If you are married, (I'm
If you are married, (I'm going through this also with ss5) you have every legal right to attend.
It does honestly ONLY depend on your husbands wishes though.
If he says, "yes" ,then it is a "yes."
Keep in mind, a Step parent
Keep in mind, a Step parent does not have a parental/legal right to make decisions about a step-child, and major life decisions, including health-care and education. If a step-parent does want to obtain legal/parental rights, then they have to adopt the child, which would require the biological parent signing off on that.
Does that mean a step-parent is prohibited from attending parent/teacher conferences? No, but I think it's important that both sides feel that is in the best interest of the co-parenting relationship. If not, a step-parent attending will perpetuate a counter-productive co-parenting relationship, which is not good for anyone, especially the child.
Step-parents play an important role in the childs' life, of course--but need to respect the legal rights of the other household.
Keep in mind, a Step parent
Keep in mind, a Step parent does not have a parental/legal right to make decisions about a step-child, and major life decisions, including health-care and education. If a step-parent does want to obtain legal/parental rights, then they have to adopt the child, which would require the biological parent signing off on that.
Does that mean a step-parent is prohibited from attending parent/teacher conferences? No, but I think it's important that both sides feel that is in the best interest of the co-parenting relationship. If not, a step-parent attending will perpetuate a counter-productive co-parenting relationship, which is not good for anyone, especially the child.
Step-parents play an important role in the childs' life, of course--but need to respect the legal rights of the other household.
We have a pretty even
We have a pretty even custody split as well, but I wouldn't go.
My husband went to P/T conferences the other day, w/o BM. I am a very active SM to my SD, but I would consider this an overstep. I help with homework and even sign homework documents, but in the end, SD has a BM, and I don't feel that it's necessary to go to things like this. My husband just filled me in when he got home.
Sometimes my husband asks me to go with him to certain things, and he if asks me, I go.
If you were the primary caregiver to you skids, like alot of women on here are (BM isn't in the picture) then I would even say to go then.
But it is okay to sit out sometimes. It's not a big deal.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
Thanks. I need to remember
Thanks. I need to remember that it is okay to sit out. Even if I don't want to. And BF wants me there. My reason for wanting to go is to make it the most useful for SS6, I don't want to give BM something else to go Mr. Hyde about.
eeeh no. don't go. In your
eeeh no. don't go. In your situation it would only cause problems. BM is involved with kids so no need to ruffle her feathers on this one. Not to mention it would likely stress out the teacher if you and BM aren't on good terms. I can feel the icicles in the room forming right now...lol
FH and I have SS10 99% of
FH and I have SS10 99% of the time and I'm usually the one who helps both SS10 and BD11 with homework. However, I didn't go to the last conference (though I set it up with the teacher) because BM was able to attend. I wanted to go but I didn't think she would have liked that. I'm sure she would have thought that I was overstepping even though, between her, my FH and I, I am the one who takes care of SS10 the most. She has issues and believes in separate parenting under the same roof. Her husband has 3 kids from a previous marriage and they live with them full time yet she only parents SS10 on the EOW at her house and leaves the parenting of her skids to her husband. What does this mean? She enforces a strict bedtime on the EOW for SS10 while the other 3 kids, one of whom is a boy, same age, stay up till all hours of the night, doing whatever. Back to the topic though, I am starting to think that she's going to have to get over herself because FH wants me to attend these conferences and since I help him most with homework etc., I can provide feedback and know what questions to raise with his teacher. I'll stand down for now but once we're married (really soon), I'll do what I feel is best for my stepson and play an active role in his education, not just behind the scenes.
um, sounds like you are a
um, sounds like you are a superinvolved step parent so please, go. There is no one going to keep you from going.. cant you two request a separate conference? I used to step back and let DH handle everything, but he was not relaying all the information to me and it was driving me nuts, so i go to everything now. i dont care what anybody says.. he has two moms, me being one of them.
It sounds like we're very
It sounds like we're very similar in our thoughts. I like your feedback. Unfortunately, I don't think the separate conferences will work because BM will throw a fit about us trying to cut her out. The truth is that there is not a win/win situation here, and I am the better loser. Maybe as we keep moving along the path and figuring things out I'll find a way to make it work so that I don't always feel like the one who has to step down.
The boys don't see me as taking anything away from BM, but somehow she does. Sometimes it just takes longer for adults to learn things than it does for kids.
Thanks again! HUGS!
I guess you could answer
I guess you could answer your own question. How would you feel if you had a kid and your your ex's wife attended your childs PT conf when they were little. I personally wouldn't care if my ex's gf came but I know my husbands ex wife would have a cow. I honestly don't care enough to spend the time learning about something I have no control over.
I have thought about that.
I have thought about that. If it were my kid, I would think it was great that someone else cared enough about my child to take the time to be involved. As long as the purpose was to give and receive the best information to help the child along, and not to cause drama or stress.
One of my problems is that I look at things holistically, and tend to see the big picture and focus on what is best for the whole over what is best for me or any of the individuals, and what I see as the whole here is SS6. I forget and get frustrated when some people follow their instincts and put self first.
I appreciate the reminder to focus my energy on what I have control over.
Thanks.
I go, but that is due in
I go, but that is due in part to the fact that BM isn't involved with the kids at all. If she were, DH and I would go together and schedule a conference separate from her.
Check w/the teacher before
Check w/the teacher before you go to see if there is space. If not and the teacher is all for it then go. If BM is expected to throw a scene because you are there, then don't go.
Thanks. This is one of the
Thanks. This is one of the best suggestions I've received about this. I can't believe that I didn't think about it before. Too many trees to see the forest, I guess.
If you are the person that
If you are the person that works with this child most of the time when he is with you, I would suggest that your BF set up a different P/T conference time and you two go to one and BM can go at a different time.
If none of us got along, I
If none of us got along, I could see this working. BF & BM are still trying to maintain a friendship (which I don't mind at all, except when she thinks it should take precedence over BF and my relationship!)
She would go ballistic over a separate conference because we'd be accused of trying to shut her out of part of the boys lives.
I think I'm letting go of this battle for the time being. I was interested in feedback, particularly since she seemed convinced that there was some rule about it never being acceptable at any point in time.
I would think that she would
I would think that she would be happy to have the involvement and interest, but she's not. Well, unless it's her friends (the few that she has) then it's great.
I appreciate the perspective. At least the boys have a BM who does want to be involved. I just wish she could understand that there is love to share, it shouldn't be hoarded. Sigh.
Thanks for the feedback.
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In our house DH and I would
In our house DH and I would both go to parent/teacher conferences, the few times we told BM when she was smaller she never came. From time to time she will throw a hissy fit and say she doesn't know anything etc. that she wants to speak with the teacher wah wah. SD was so excited a few years back to ask her mom to be a volunteer and guess what she didn't show up.
The last two years I have done all the parent/teacher conferences we are primary caregivers and I do all the homework checks, projects, signing papers, notes, emails etc. so I attend the conferences, orientations (they have one every year in her school) DH is the one that does the phone talking with the teacher or if he has to let them know the situation at hand.
For instance, one year we had a message from the school counselor calling back "SD's mom" saying the number you gave is different from the one in the file you stated you think your daughter needs to see a counselor please call back, so DH had to call the school and let them know her BM is not involved in school, lives an hour away and cannot request that my daughter see a counselor, the only reason my daughter would have to see a counselor is because she has a retarded mom...lol...he didn't say that but you get the point.
Anyway, I think in your case if the BM is wholly involved in school, I think only your DH should be the one to go. I know it sucks but if you really want to have a conference you and DH should request a seperate meeting with the teacher. I understand you are wholly involved also but I just think that is not the time to prove a point and may be uncomfortable for all involved.
Thanks, Shady, I think you
Thanks, Shady, I think you are probably right. I'll send the voice recorder with BF so I can hear what goes on - he is, self admittedly, a somewhat absent minded geek, and forgets or doesn't realize what information may be important to pass on to me. It always upsets him when he realizes he forgot to pass something on, which is one of the reasons he wanted me to go.
But I think, for now, it may just be the voice recorder and written questions from me. The teacher and I have emailed, so I can always as her for clarification.
If you are very involved, can
If you are very involved, can you talk to his teacher?
I was a sham and spent lots of time in the classroom. I never went to p/t interviews because I knew on a weekly basis how my boys were doing in school. ExH would go on his own when we were together, same once we split up.
When they got to the higher grades and I was working I still got to know their teachers and asked them to call if there was ever a problem brewing. I wanted to fix it immediately and not wait a month or two to find out they weren't handing in assignments or were struggling with math.