Out of Town Baseball Tournament / BM & BF Traveling Together?

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Hi All,

My BF & I have lived together for over six years. BM is remarried (3 yrs ago).
I have a SS13 that lives with BM and we have standard every-other-weekend visitation.

SS13 has played little league baseball for several years now and this year BM decided that he needed to be in a year-round select program, which has cost us several thousand dollars and has tied up all of our visitation weekends, preventing us from doing anything with SS13 other than taxi him from practices & games. BF has gone along with it, not always willingly but wants to be supportive of SS.

This weekend there is a tournament that SS's team is playing in that is located across state (4.5 hr drive each way). I've known that there were going to be long-distance tournaments and that is not a problem.

Just to clarify - I'm not involved with SS's baseball, (although I do provide transportation as needed). I have stayed away from going to games because at the beginning of our relationship when BF & BM had just divorced, there was a LOT of tension and they didn't speak to each other - or if they did, it was constant arguments & name-calling which I didn't want to be involved in. I thought by me staying away from the games it would allow them a neutral place to speak to each other about SS when needed, and they have finally been able to be civil to each other and focus on SS for the most part now.

So BF told me that he was going to the tournament, which required leaving home Friday to travel & get settled for early Saturday games. They are guaranteed 2 games on Saturday & 2 games on Sunday, so coming home late Sunday evening.

First I was told that BF was going to the tournament, which I was ok with... I assumed that meant that he would be taking SS with him. Then a week ago, I was told that BF would be traveling with BM... and that didn't set right with me... it made it seem too much like a "family trip" and I will admit I was jealous of the amount of time that they would be spending together. (BF has been working huge amounts of mandatory overtime in the last couple of months and we don't have much time together ourselves.) When I expressed my feelings to BF, he said it was so that he could "help BM if the heat got to her"... she doesn't do well in heat and it was forecast to be 100 degrees. That really got to me because BF shows little concern about me, but with BM he is so worried about her physical condition... I get sick of hearing about it... she has a husband to worry about her!

So after I voiced my opinion, which included telling BF that I expected that he would have his own hotel room and to not share with BM... which am I the only one that would find that totally inappropriate??! (not to mention confusing to SS) Then BF tells me that BM's husband is also going on this trip. Ok then, why stuff everyone in the same car for the long ride? BF has plenty of $$ to pay for his own transportation & room. It just didn't sound right to me, but off he went and is now over there until late tonight. I have not had one text or call from him, but when he is angry is not that unusual.

So I was doing some online bill-paying this morning and I see that he has been using his debit card while there. No hotel room charge is showing, but several restaurant charges appeared. The restaurant charges are for chain restaurants which I am pretty familiar with & the amounts are obviously more than for himself only. I thought ok, maybe he is buying everyone's meals. But the amounts aren't enough to be for a party of four - which it would be if BM's H were along.

There is nothing I can do about it if he has chosen to go with BM & SS alone, I know that.

But my question is.... would you be upset if your SO spent so much time with BM? Possibly sharing a hotel room??!

That is what really upsets me. A man should not share a hotel room with anyone but his current wife or girlfriend. Period!

I would be extremely annoyed

I would be extremely annoyed if my DH did that to me. And the attitude is horrible. I agree with the first answer, dump him. He obviously doesn't care about how you feel.

It's not the trip itself that

It's not the trip itself that is the problem for me... I support BF in his efforts to get to SS's games as much as he can.

The problem for me is that he doesn't take any initiative... he could have called ahead & booked his own room. I'm sure the coach has hotel details.
It's possible that he paid cash for his own room, but not likely if he is using his debit card for other stuff.

And the long drive with BM... way too much time to play "remember when" as they drive thru areas that I know they visited while married.
She seems to be happily re-married now, but I only see them 1-2x a year.

She is one who plays heavily on sympathy for her health condition... and BF is one of those dreaded "nice guys" who want to help.

It just makes me really uncomfortable not knowing if they shared a room. And it upsets me that he would in any way think that was ok!

I think you need to look at

I think you need to look at your relationship and question whether he's the right man for you. The fact he would be willing to go and possibly share a room with his ex when he knew how you felt says he doesn't really care about your feelings.

Well, his reason for going

Well, his reason for going with BM doesn't hold water if BM's husband is going, now does it?

If BM's husband is going, it doesn't make sense that BF would share a room with BM and her husband, does it?

If he is lying about BM's husband going, that says a lot, doesn't it?

And no, a man should not share a hotel room with somebody that he has slept with in the past.

I am sorry that you are going through this, I would be sick. And suddenly single.

His point of going with BM

His point of going with BM (whether or not her H was going) was valid (in his mind) and he thought I was overreacting.
He said there was no point in taking two cars. I didn't agree, but you can't make someone drive alone.

He's one of those guys who doesn't see anything wrong with stuff like this... since in his mind there is nothing to worry about.
He comes across as if it would never occur to him that I might be upset with the arrangements.
Then he goes thru with it anyway... more because he thinks it is better to "just get along" than to change arrangements.

Sooo... I just called the hotel - to see if a guest had checked out. Gave them my BF's name and they couldn't find him in their records.
I gave them BM's name and they confirmed that she had checked out. One room. Two queen beds.

I just texted BF and told him that we need to talk when he gets home. No excuses, no stonewalling me.

He replied quickly and just said "ok".

So, he has absolutely no

So, he has absolutely no consideration for your feelings, just does what he wants. Okay.

His point of going with BM was ridiculous.

I was totally ok with there

I was totally ok with there being a tournament & both parents wanting to be there. I have an ex-H myself.

I expressed to BF my discomfort at them sharing a car ride - but I am aware of BM's legitimate medical condition that might require assistance.
It was only when I questioned it that days later I was then told that BM's husband would also be along for the ride. To help BM, right?

I still felt it was not right to travel in one car, but BF's vehicle does not have A/C and it was not an option.
If it were me, I would have rented a car with A/C... giving him my car was not an option as I had it booked into a car show this weekend.

When I asked him if he had booked his hotel room, he brushed me off... saying that BM had made the arrangements since they are more involved with team.
Ok... so do you have your own room? No answer.
I told him that it was completely inappropriate for he and BM to share a room - EVER. And if her new husband was there too...?? Even more wrong.
He seemed ok with just being their third wheel... (if new hubby is really with them)... they guys do get along from what I see, but share a room?
I thought it would make sense if BM & H shared a room and my BF and SS shared a room.... seems pretty logical, right?

I don't know what he is thinking... if he & BM shared a room without her new H and also had SS13 with them, that is so not right either.
Who knows... maybe SS13 went & slept in the room of one of his team mates?

Ugghhh...

Men are idiots.

I wonder if BM's DH knows

I wonder if BM's DH knows they probably spend the night together in the same room?

He's sleeping with BM or

He's sleeping with BM or hopeful for a little fling. There is no excuse for disregarding your feelings except they weren't important to him .

I would welcome him home,

I would welcome him home, sweetness and light and ask lots of bright and breezy questions.

Sure, add some game playing and some questioning of the SS into the mix. :?

Already we have the BF with his excuses and the OP's excuses for the BF's excuses. A little fake sweetness and "breezy" questions ought to get to the bottom of it, right?

Seriously, who needs this crap?

The BM's medical condition is her problem to deal with. Why is this an issue if her DH is going with and the car has A/C? Does BF help her with this problem any other time?

The BF's car not having A/C is his problem to deal with; rent a car or car pool with somebody else, or be a big boy and roll down the window.

And there is no excuse in the world for BF to not have gotten his own room. Not one.

I'm trying to keep this as

I'm trying to keep this as snark-free as possible... this is a 6 year live-in relationship that I am not trying to go nuclear on.
I like to think that I have matured in my 48 years and I would like my response to this situation to reflect that.

Please don't take that to mean that I am a wimp... I have a backbone and shit-kicking boots and I'm not afraid to use either of them. lol
I was married at 21 and kicked my ex-husband out 18 years later. Kept the kid and the house. All in my name. He had almost 0% visitation.
So I do know how to blow shit up if that's what I was intending to do.

And since my ex-H was a black-belt in asshole, my tolerance level may seem to be a bit higher than most. I get that.

But this situation bothers me. Even if absolutely nothing happened. It is the lack of regard for my feelings that hurts.
More so, not even acknowledging that he took my feelings into consideration. Just went with the plans made by others so not to rock the boat.
Well what about MY boat.. I'm feeling pretty queasy...

And just to be clear, I am not jealous of BM one bit. I pity her, yes... jealous, no.

I will not question the child. He & I have a good relationship and I don't want him to feel awkward around me.
I did my detective work by calling the hotel and asking about the guest arrangements and also checking our bank account records.
I do not have BM's husband's phone number.

I am going to sit down with BF and ask how it went... see how much he tells me.
They will be dropping him off here at our house (he left his car at home), so maybe I can see if her H is in the car.

So what did you find out when

So what did you find out when you called the hotel? Was there a room booked under your BF's name? Or were there one or two rooms booked under BM's name?

Double, triple, quadruple

Double, triple, quadruple HELL NO! That is just complete and utter disrespect to you.

Can I ask why, after 6 years, you guys are not married or engaged? Does he have a fear of an ultimate commitment? It doesn't seem as though he has any concern that his actions could cause a major problem in your relationship.

My FDH would never even consider doing something like this in a million years. You deserve better.

Good Luck.

I wonder if they got a

I wonder if they got a vibrating bed. And room service. Sounds like they have the romantic dinners covered.

Come on! I would pack my stuff while he is gone and I would be gone!

Hotel had no record of BF

Hotel had no record of BF under his name.
They had ONE room booked under BM's name. Two queen beds.

I'm pretty sure that when BM booked the room, she wasn't sure if BF would be going to the tournament since he's been working continuous 12-hr days for weeks now. Then why, when they get to the hotel... did he not get his own room.... ??

He is the type that if they arrived late Friday evening and all the other rooms were booked, he would just stay with them instead of at another hotel.
One car... wouldn't want to inconvenience BM (or her H... IF... her H is really with them) to take him somewhere else.

He likes to pride himself on not rocking the boat... for SS's sake... but really?

The kicker to all of this is that BF & I work at the same company.
If we can't talk it out tonight, tomorrow at work will be really uncomfortable.

Hell to the NO a thousand

Hell to the NO a thousand times over.

Even if BM is typhoid Mary and has gono-sypha-herp-alies and you know with the burning of a thousand suns that he would never touch her... it's still wrong.

He lied to you by omission.
He knew your feelings and consciously chose to disregard them completely.
He is confusing his son.
He played "happy family" with his ex.
And again, in case you missed it the first time, he knew your feelings, he knew YOU were not ok with this, and HE wanted to stay with BM bad enough to disregard YOUR wishes in favor of his own.
HE WANTED TO STAY IN BM's ROOM, is what it comes down to.

LOL - typhoid Mary

Just for clarification...

Just for clarification... since some seem interested in our status...

I never want to get married again. To anyone. I don't see the point now that my kiddo is 23 and not living with me.
Just my personal choice, and it hasn't been an issue for us since after this long it feels like a marriage anyway.

I have to say, BF is lazy about making travel arrangements. He's a last minute see if there's room kinda guy.
I'm not making excuses for him. It just is what it is.

The BM's H being in the car or not would just be one indicator.
We live not far from the freeway exit. They live quite a ways out in the opposite direction, so if he went with them he would be in the car.

At this point, I am almost over the question I originally asked.

He needs to give me a d@mn good reason why we should continue this relationship.

I can't think of one good

I can't think of one good enough to excuse this kind of betrayal.

And yes, it IS betrayal, even if no sexy times happened. Even if her husband was there.

He betrayed your trust and confidence when he completely disregarded your needs and boundaries, and decided playing with BM was more important to him.

Is he really a 'not rock the

Is he really a 'not rock the boat' kind of guy, or is he just narcissistic, only thinking about himself and never others?

I guess my question is if BM

I guess my question is if BM is such a fragile thing, why is she going to an all weekend tournament where it is 100 degrees , no shade, and sit in the hot sun all day for two solid days? Who does that? And what can your Dh do for her except call 9-1-1 if she starts stroking out or keels over from heat exhaustion? If she's passed out and or loses the ability of speaking, he can't make any medical decisions for her. If she's driving down the highway at 85mph and loses her ability, what's he going to do? Grab the wheel and hope for the best?

I really don't think the same room is an issue for you, I think it's the hedging and not being upfront along with putting you through a weekend of uneasiness. I think it is entirely possible BM meant no more being in the room to DH than a snoring sleeping person with no ideas or thoughts to romance. But even that would unsettle me. So they didn't play kissy pooh or snuggle in the same bed. I would still be upset that they gave public appearances to the other team parents and all the children (their own included) that they were a 'couple'. Gave the other parents something to wag their tongues and gossip about...even if it were all speculation and actually untrue. It's disrespectful to you, your marriage and the kid who sees his divorced parents playing still family.

BM has MS. It has gotten

BM has MS. It has gotten progressively worse in the time that BF & I have been together. She knows the heat is an issue, but she is so into SS's baseball as her "thing" that she does as much as she can to be at all of his games. (Baseball runs deep in her family)

With my BF working so much lately, I do believe that she reserved only one room because she didn't think he would be coming along. I don't think this was a planned rendezvous on her part.

I hold BF responsible for not getting the details from the coach. He waits to get them second-hand thru BM and her memory is greatly affected by the MS so she forgets to tell him things frequently.

BM & her DH go to 90% of SS's practices & games. BF goes to 50% or less, but the other parents know who he is.
Sometimes he sits with BM & DH, sometimes he sits with BM's dad (former father-in-law, who BM doesn't speak to).

Not getting details has caused BF to not be able to provide me with information when I ask for it on baseball & other activities.
I know he gets very frustrated with the situation, but I don't see him making much effort to get the info himself.

Like this tournament... he thought if they lost on Saturday, they would be coming home. I looked up the tournament online and quickly found that it is guaranteed 2 games Saturday, 2 games Sunday... and then championship game if needed. I printed out all the details & hotel info for him on Thursday. He's been working so much... he's exhausted & grumpy. I wanted him to be aware of the time commitment ahead so he could decide if he would go at all, or maybe come back a day earlier than they did. He was angry... and he said it was because he had not been given correct information by BM.

I think he was angry because

I think he was angry because you found out what he already knew. That means he had to come up with a new lie.

There's no way he was planning to travel that far without having all of the necessary information.

There is no "proof" of

There is no "proof" of physical infidelity.
I don't know how that assumption was made, but I'm sure I'll get the "if it walks like a duck" comments.

Hell, he could have reserved his own room a month in advance and if his intent was to boink BM, he could have.
We have no control over another person's actions, only our responses to them. I'd like mine to not be a knee-jerk "get the hell out".

Yes - he really is a "don't rock the boat" kind of guy... hates confrontation.... especially with BM as she turns into a she-banshee.

I am more easy-going and prefer to trust - until given a reason not to. This situation made my trust radar go off a bit.
I have to say, that her DH probably knew about it (if he wasn't there) and either was ok with it or didn't say anything.
He seems like a really quiet guy the times that I have been around them together.

I hear you all... the answer has been a resounding "NO" both here and on my FB page when I asked if anyone would travel with an ex-spouse.

I will allow him to tell me his side of it... and will take it from there.

I don't care how easy going a

I don't care how easy going a man may be. There isn't a man on this planet that will be OK with wife sharing a hotel room with her exhusband.

Is there anyway he has

Is there anyway he has another credit card/debit card that the room could be under and what if that hotel was booked up and he is at another establishment? Just playing Devil's Advocate. Have you determined if the husband is at his home?

And I am with you on the relationship status, if I were to divorce I would never remarry and I would likely not cohabitate either.

OP is looking for reasons to

OP is looking for reasons to remain in the status quo... plain and simple...

Almost every post says something about his inability to 'rock the boat' and he hates confrontation...

So he hates confrontation from everyone but you?? Good grief, i fully agree that you can only control your responses to someone's behaviour. You cannot control that behaviour. Someone will also only treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you.

I'm not a knee jerk responder either, but DH would never do what your's has done.

Seriously, I'm DYING to know

Seriously, I'm DYING to know what he told the OP.

We talked when he got home

We talked when he got home last night.

Instead of asking "who did you room with?" I just simply asked "Do you want this relationship to continue?"
He looked at me kind of shocked... I could tell that wasn't the question he thought I'd ask.
He replied "Yes - of course I do... very much so."
And I replied "So how do you expect that to be possible when you disregard my feelings, disrespect our relationship, and shut me out?"

Turns out he DID have his own room... under BM's DH's name because HE had made the reservation for BF when they found out BF would definitely be coming. The reservation was not under BF's name. So when I called the hotel, I checked BF's name and BM's name and was told his name was not found and that she had booked only one room, that was true. She had made the original reservation just for her room with her DH... and she has a different last name than her DH. BF paid cash to BM's DH for his room. That is why he was using his debit card for other purchases.

BF said that BM & DH pretty much left him & SS alone for a good part of the trip, off doing their own thing. He was glad that he was able to have so much one-on-one time with SS since he has been working so much he has felt a bit disconnected from him (and me).

A few hours before he arrived home, I was on FB and decided to check BM's page. It normally is fairly private, but her memory isn't good and sometimes she posts publicly and forgets to adjust the privacy settings, allowing more content to be seen. She had been posting about the heat, how she wasn't doing well with it, SS's games, then the places they were eating, etc... nothing about BF... just about DH and SS. And late last night when she got home, she posted about her DH having gone sky-diving for the first time.

I am satisfied with BF's answers and the evidence I found on my own that points to my insecurities getting the best of me.

Did he disrespect my feelings & give me the silent treatment? Yes.
We talked thru that... he acknowledged it and promised to do better in the future.
He apologized for being stubborn and not clarifying things for me during the trip once he had arrived there.
He promised that there are no future tournaments (this year) that will require an overnight stay.

Thanks for your feedback while I was stressing.

I hope you also take the time

I hope you also take the time to point out to him that his lackadaisical attitude about the arrangements left you tortured all weekend while he spent the weekend feeling blissed out. He had better up his game about communicating with you and making his arrangements clear or risk you getting tired of being tortured and leaving.

I do think you handled it well and I'm glad you reconciled. I would have suggested checking the social media of the various parties involved but I came to this thread late.

Make it very clear that his desire to be last minute and non-confrontational is not a license to dump all the stress and anxiety on you. My dh seems to see things more clearly when I tell him how things affect me, rather than in abstract principles.