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dsp1978's picture

Submitted by dsp1978 on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 1:02pm

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General Discussion

I am curious as to other peoples feelings on an incident that is on going in our home and also just happened today.

My DFH has joint legal custody of two skids SD5 and SD10. BM has sole physical custody. We have them EOWE and Other designated weeks at a time.

When the kids are sick, she is always calling/texting him to see if he will take off of work to take care of them. Since their divorce, she has had to actually get a job, which she never did before. She says that she cant always be the one taking off of work when they are sick. She also texts or calls whenever they have colds, flue, fever, etc. BUT fails to let us know on the weekends they are with us, and plays dumb like she didnt know they were ill.

So.. 1. Why must she call and text everytime they have the sniffles? I would understand if shes been a good person all the time and is just ketting their father know. BUT thats not the case. She only calls or texts when she needs wants a time or day changed in the parenting plan, money or help with the kids.
2. Is it not HER responsibility to care for the kids when they are in her care and time? Im not saying that she can NEVER call DFH to help out as a resort. But why is he the first call? I dont understand why she doesnt have a plan in place if things happen like the kids get sick, she has appointments, etc.
This is a "luxury", (if you want to call it that) of having a husband, partner or whatever.
HE is not her person to call anymore to take care of this stuff.
I know he is their Dad, and I get that. Im not trying to be a bitch. BUT when we have them, and IF we had them full time - if there was a problem like them being sick or us having appointments - it would be OUR responsibility to make other arrangements/plans. We wouldnt be calling her to help out.

I am just frustrated that she seems to still think that HE is HER person to call when she needs help.
I struggle with the fact that its the kids so where do you draw that line?? Im confused.
Your thoughts and advice are appreciated. Thank you!

mlk1010's picture

Submitted by mlk1010 on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 2:07pm

He has to be the one who lets her know just what you said. You are right, she should have had a plan for when she runs into issues with the kids if she agreed to full physical custody. This is familiar, to be honest. I ran into the exact same thing with my BF's ex - she kept calling and emailing to change days of the week, or whatever, whenever she wanted. It was like I had to give my BF permission to say "NO"! He was so used to being pushed around that he did't realize that he didn't HAVE to do anything. So, he now has full primary custody of his 2 kids, no child support or visitation issues, because she really couldn't handle raising kids and working (she'd never worked - ever.) It really was that easy, he stopped asking "how high" when she said "jump". But, I do think it is hard for them to say no to their exes because they are so conditioned to always be there for them - I don't think their exes would be so helpless after divorce if they had just said no during the marriage!

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 2:42pm

I agree with mlk1010.

If she's calling and asking him to watch the kids so she can go to her appointments and job, FDH needs to say no. Or if he doesn't want to say no, he should get a Right of First Refusal written in to his parenting plan. That's where he gets first dibs on watching the children when BM can't and vice versa. A lot of our partners have those.

FDH needs to have a chat with BM about this and draw the line. He needs to be specific on what she can call him about. Maybe he could make up a list like this for her references:

Call me in these situations:

If you're stuck in traffic en route to drop off/pick up the kids
If the kids are sick
If there's a school/behavioral/parenting/discipline issue we need to work out for the kids
If one of your family or close friends is in an emergency, i.e. sick and/or dying, then I'd be happy to help you.

I think he halso should say, "I love spending time with the kids very much and would love to see them more; however, it's not appropriate for me to be helping you with things unless they relate to the kids and the things I mentioned on the list. I would love to discuss working out a plan for more visitation with them that is conducive to everyone." He should say this because undoubtedly she'll say "Oh, so you don't want more time with the kids? Well, you'll never see them again!" And if she denies him visitation, keep calling the cops and haul her behind into court on contempt charges.

dsp1978's picture

Submitted by dsp1978 on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 4:01pm

Thanks to both of you!! I have to say FDH has done a good job in trying to set boundaries and telling her NO. I got very VERY upset this past summer about this, and since then he has really tried to make that better, so I have to give him some credit.

The problem is SHE (BM) just doesnt seem to get it at all.
She is always changing the drop off/pick up time, asking for an hour earlier and hour later. NOw she has just resorted to showing up early on Fridays because she knows he'll say no if she were to have asked first.

I have no problem with her calling or texting if there is a HUGE problem or emergency. If the kids are VERY sick or something is wrong like Anon2009, you said - I am ok with that.
BUT not if they have a temp, a cold the flu.... Seriously!! KIDS GET SICK! deal with it.
Why does she not have a plan?!

Im just so tired of her intruding in our lives. Im tired of the every few days text messages about some random crap thing she feels he needs to know, or a problem she has. Its annoying.

He has told her that unless it has to do with the girls, he doesnt want to hear about it. Well, now thats what she took as gospel and its always something. One of them is sick, one of them has homework, one of them has this one of them needs that.
Ugghhh... gross. :sick: