One month of Disengagement
So I disengaged from my skids (16 and 15) a month ago. I pretty much went 100% with the exception of if they ask me something I respond but with a response as short as possible. My husband has been supportive and has been taking care of their needs. He has always done that for the most part, but now he has no help from me.
I think the skids are realizing how much I have changed over the last month. I'm debating whether to sit down with them and ask them how they feel about my disengagement and if this is the way they want it to be the rest of their time there (until they turn 18). I feel a little bit of guilt disengaging because it sort of makes my husband "pick" who he hangs out with because I am rarely in the same room as the skids.
I also feel like their might still be a chance to get this family going in the right direction..... I KNOW that would make my husband sooo happy! But I fear that we will be back at square one when the skids do something that makes me feel like the evil step mother again....I think i have made progress with this disengagement and wonder whether I should just stick to it and hope the next 3 yrs flies by or give them another chance to try and make things right??
Thoughts?
You say you think they've
You say you think they've noticed a change in you, do you think they are happy with that change or uncomfortable with it? Do you think they like your disengagement or dislike it?
What kinds of things did they do to make you feel like the evil SM?
If you feel that you are making progress, I would stick with it. Let them know that you CAN go the distance disengaged. Maybe, eventually, you can talk to them and work things out to where you don't have to be 100% disengaged. But I wouldn't bring the actual disengagement up to them.
Sometimes, these things work themselves out. Maybe, just maybe (big maybe), your disengagement itself will help to change things. It just depends on what they've actually noticed and how if makes them feel.
They are uncomfortable
I'm not sure if they like the disengagement, I don't think they do because it seems like they are making an effort to try and talk to me. Like now the SD goes and says goodnight on a regular basis when before she wouldn't.....LIKE, why are you going to start doing it now, when you havent before? Or SD will directly look at me when she asks a question and me and my husband are in the room. Since my disengagement I do not answer questions unless they are directed at me. It seems like they are uncomfortable with it in a way.
Before disengagement I would discipline them and they wouldnt talk to me for days, and their dad disciplines them and they would we talking to him within the next 5 minutes. I always have felt like they treat me differently because im not their blood. They have made me feel invisible on too many occasions to count and I had done some much for them b4 disengagement, so everytime they would do this i would feel unappreciated and as low to the ground you could feel. :(
Disengagement isn't an
Disengagement isn't an instant fix, but a process that you start in your own way and adapt and change as time goes on, or not- it is different for everyone.
One of the things I expereinced though was that they try to drag you back- they may appear to accept your point of view and suddenly you feel bad for not seeing that 'nice' side to them, that it is all your doing and not anything to do with them.
These tactics, subconcious or not, are designed to drag you back in as if disengagement was just a silly phase you were going through. It seems you have already reminded yourself of what they were like before, and it sounds like you've come a long way.
If it is working why fix it?
Keep your self respect and stay disengaged.
No need to talk to them about
No need to talk to them about it. Continue with the disengagement. If you still care how it affects them then you aren’t fully disengaged.
You are wanting to see if
You are wanting to see if they noticed you pulled back and if they regretted you doing that. You are setting yourself up for disappointment going down that road. Just don't. They know you pulled back, and they know why. If they ever deserve for you to re-engage, then you can do so....without an announcement.
If there is a chance to get the family headed in the right direction again, great, but that's your DH's responsibility not yours.
Dear lord do NOT ask them!
Dear lord do NOT ask them! That puts all the power back into their hands!
Sure they notice, but if they really cared wouldn't they ask already? The only way to continue this and make sure it's better is to continue disengagment. Highly recommended to not discuss.
the father is the one that is
the father is the one that is affected by your disengagement the most.
the skids still,, get what they want, behave the way they want and do what they want.
the aim is to remove yourself from the skid drama. Not be the target anymore and have the father step up in his role as a father.
Your focusing too much on the skids and what they're thinking and feeling. Who cares. They're not the real problem. He is.
"I also feel like their might
"I also feel like their might still be a chance to get this family going in the right direction....."
Hun, the family was already split, broken and dysfunctional before you got on the scene. There is no way you're going to wrangle everyone into your way of thinking. That would mean changing the thoughts and actions of DH, skids and BM so that everyone will be more respectful to you.
"I KNOW that would make my husband sooo happy!"
Of course it would. All divorced dads basically want is a sexy subservient nanny to replace the ex. If he actually cared about his spouses feeling he'd still be married to the first one. Most of the men we blog about on this board are concerned first and formost with their comfort and happiness. Put your own happiness first not DH's because he obviously doesn't care about what makes you happy.
"..give them another chance to try and make things right??"
Remember that we're talking about teenagers here. Selfish, zitty, hormonal in-betweeners that are still mostly children but have almost full grown bodies and are forging their way into adulthood. I'm having a hard time dealing with my own mouthy rude 16 yr old who towers over me. It was awesome having him away with his father for a few weeks this summer!
I'm not a priority to my kid and you're not a priority to your skids, they could likely care less about making things right with you unless it benefits them and if they did they'd forget about it shortly after. They are biologically programmed to care about their own needs. Kids this age are difficult to be around for parents, teachers, and oh the poor step parents who dare to disciple them. My 16 yr old likes his new SM because she rewarded him with money anytime he cleaned the house. He came back with lots of cash. I'm sure he'd feel differently about her if he hadn't benefited in some way.
Disengagement is a great tool but like all things you can be all in, all out or somewhere on the spectrum. You can also choose to engage when they are acting like humans and leave them to their father when they are savages. I am completely disengaged from oldest ss but choose to sometimes engage with ss26 and his family when they come over. The key is that it's my choice and I do what I feel like doing instead of doing it because it will make my husband happy.