Hello, everyone I'm new here and glad I found this site. Here is my situation. Sorry, horribly long. My DH and I have been together for almost 8 years. For the first (roughly) 18months things were mostly great. We both had kids from previous marriages(me- girl 3 & boy 5. Him boy 4 girl 8). My two adjusted quickly and well. They welcomed his into our home and lives. However, his two, thats a different story. At very first they were great, but when the BM realized things were serious she started telling them things like, "It's HER fault your dad and I aren't together. Your dad doesn't want you anymore because he has HER kids." It broke our hearts everytime they would repeat these things. We were constantly saying and doing everything we could to show them love. (Just for clarification: I met my DH about a year and a half after she left him for another man. And she was living with and pregnant(lost the baby) by a different man by the time I came into the picture.)

The kids were living with the BM's (83yrs)grandmother and alcoholic uncle. The BM's mother lives directly across the street from GM & kids. While BM is living 45min away from her children and about 10minutes from us.

For months into our relationship the phone would ring late at night. BM was calling asking for money (for the kids???) We would get up go to an ATM and he'd pull out $60, $80, $100 at a time, whatever it was she said she needed. I never said a word. I was always polite and respectful of her and her family. (Didn't even do things like hold his hand in front of them.) He also gave several hundred dollars a month to the kids GGM, bought all their clothes, school supplies, toys, etc...

But after several months of this I finally told him, "I don't care how much money you give to her or spend on the kids. But, you need to stop giving cash. Always write a check or cashiers check. (A little cash here and there would have been fine. But, it was ALL cash.) As soon as he started doing this BM freaked out and went onto Welfare. (I cannot figure out why, he was giving money on demand, GM cs, paying all the kids and BM medical insurance and co-pays, and paying BM car insurance. He even bought her a car (he wasnt' going to but she cried and said she needed it to take care of the kids.) Support enforcement ordered cs at $1200 a month, which he has never missed a payment and continued with the clothes, toys, etc...

He would want to see the kids, but always would have to ask GGM or BM permission. He would actually beg before they'd give in.

They're were too many things going on to list them all but here are some examples: The GGM and kids would complain that the BM hadn't been around in weeks. GGM would yell at us because we weren't giving her any money or paying cs. (Never missed a cs payment, BM was lying to GGM.) The kids NEVER called anywhere home. It was "my and dads house, BM and bf house, GGM's house, GM house." The BM would tell SD that, "I'm so unhappy that I'm going to kill myself." BM and bf would have physical fights in front of the kids. (BM and bf are both drug addicts.)

I would cry after the SK's would leave. I hated knowing what they were going through. It also ticked me off the things they would come back and show and tell my kids. His boy at 5 demonstrated what oral sex was on a doll. His daughter at 9 would tell us her mom let her stay up all night and drink wine coolers with the BM's bf's 12year old nefew.

I was sooooo relieved when my DH came to me and said, "I want to fight for custody." I agreed without hesitation. He said, "BM used to be a good mom before she got all messed up. Fighting for the kids will either snap her out of the crap she's doing and she'll be the mom she used to be or they'll come and live with us. Either way the kids will then have a good home."

He hired a lawyer filled divorce and custody. We were possitive he'd get the kids. She tested possitive 2x for meth and marijauina (sp?). She had (still has) open bleeding sores on her face. BM's bf has a rap sheet the lenght of my arm, drugs, assult, resisting arrest just to name a few. The family court investigator said things like, "BM has done little to nothing for the children since the seperation. BM uses kids as her friends and confidonts(sp?) rather than protecting them. BM has a mental health disorder and a chemical dependance problem. BM puts herself before the kids. BM exposes the kids to people and things they shouldn't be around." Then the investagator continued to say things like, "Dad's home under construction. Even though Dad has tried to have a positive relationship with the kids their only bond is to their mother. Kids are having a hard time with the new blended family. (No kidding,look at what the BM say's to them.) Kids have to compete with the gf and her kids for dads attention. (We always treated the kids equally, if one got a new bike all got a new bike- actually his kids were treated with kid gloves beacause of their situation. Never disaplined, no chores. Got away with lying, stealing, etc..)

The whole process took a long time. Durring which time I had to defend myself from the kids, BM, GM, GGM, family court, the kids councelor (DH requested counceling for the kids, judge ordered, BM took them so we weren't allowed to attend) and the police. The weekend before the family court report was due the BM set it up with the kids to ask to go out side and play and sneek up the road where her bf's sister picked them up. Then the BM called me asked for the kids and when I said they're outside I'll have them call you right back she started laughting and told me her friend has the kids. I called the police and went outside looking for them, incase she was lying. The police found the kids at the bf's mom's house. 10miles from ours. The kids claimed I was beating and punishing them for things they had told the family court. (We hadn't yet got the report and had no idea what anyone had said.) And that they ran away. Thankfully, I knew the officer, he said to me,"If I didn't know you and this situation personally I'd be arresting you for the things these kids are saying." After the police completed the investigation they determined the BM set the whole thing up.

BM requested trial to be reschedualed for months later.

We didn't think it could get any worse. HOW WE WERE WRONG! My DH got called out on a job to NY, a couple of weeks after the 9/11. He was gone a few weeks. Right before he was due to return I am in a mini-mart and in walks his ex's high school best buddy. She say's to me, "So your dating DH? You know the boy's not even his it's so and so's. BM has know this and told so and so to keep his mouth shut so she could concinve DH it's his." Of course I'm looking at her like she's talking alien. I called his lawyer and said, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" He said, "You have to tell DH immediatly. That way if he wants to question it he can." That night when DH call's I tell him sit down, this is who I ran into, this is what she said. "This might just be BM trying to scare you away from fighting for custody. It could be true. Or it could be someone just trying to be mean. You have to decide what to do with this." He said he had to go. He called back a little while later screaming at me "How can he not be my kid she's my wife?" I just sat there, he needed to vent. Then he says "I want a DNA test, everyone deserves the truth."

This was a Tuesday, by Friday his lawyer was in court requesting to postpone the trial so there would be time to do a DNA. The judge refused (trial was schedualed for Monday).

We spent the next several days trying to find the man identified as the bio-dad. No luck. Then we found out where he worked. My DH asked me to please go talk to him. The morning of trial I was at the mill before daylight. Found this man and asked, "Is there anyway you could be SS's dad?" He responed without hesitation, "I AM HIS DAD."

A little background. Both my husband and his ex told me they got into a fight at their reception the night they were married. She slept on the couch for the first few months. And that one day she came to him and said, "We have a daughter together lets make this marriage work." (Something I just didn't need to know.)

They also said the boy was born early. At 11 lbs. I just though gestational diabeties.

DH also had said that right after they "consumated the marriage" she put her hands on her tummy and smiled saying "You gave me a baby." (Again, too much information for me.) I had laughed. He says "really she got pregnant." I thought luck of the draw.

SD is a spitting image of DH. SS looks NOTHING like him. Again, I never thought a thing, figured he took after someone on BM's side. My ex and I have brown hair. We have a son who's blonde and a daughter with strawberry blonde hair.

Anyway, the other guy came to court that day and testified that the kid was his and that she had wanted to divorce (my now DH) and have the two of them get married. When this guy said no way am I marring you she told him to "Keep your mouth shut so I can convince hubby it's his." She brought baby to see this man right after birth, would ask for money and sent him pictures all those years.

BM gets on the stand tearfully testifies "No way is there any possibility my son anyone's but my husbands. These guys are lying to make me look bad."

DH gets on the stand and her lawyer askes,"Do you want to be this kids dad?" DH say's, "Yes." (More than anything he wanted the test to prove that he was indeed the daddy.)
DH lawyer then askes him, "Do you want a DNA test?"
DH, "Yes"
The judge rules "NO TEST" based on the BM testimony.

DH and other guy go on their own and have the DNA done. Bet, you cannot guess the results. 0% possibility DH is dad. 99.8% possibility other guy is.

DH freaks out. Say's to me, "I love this child, because I thought he was mine. I will continue to do everything for him, birhtdays, holidays, vacations, etc...BUT, I WILL NOT PAY THAT WOMAN A PENNY FOR CHEATING!"

He goes back to court with DNA tests in hand. Requests disestablishment. Denied. Judge rules "Its in the childs best "financial interest" to maintain DH as dad. (Not emotional, financial?) Request that the BM not say anything to child until him and child can go to counceling together and let it come out with councelor." Denied. Judge orders that if DH ever says anything he will be jailed.

This test result destroyed DH. Every fiber of his being changed from happy wonderful man and dad who wants happy little family with the white picket fence to a miserable hateful man who was angry with the world and took it out not on ex, but on me and my children. I loved him and stood beside him, figuring he'd deal with it and be the man I fell in love with again.
(Hindsite is 20/20)

DH files with the appeals court. BM's behavior gets worse.

By this point we are out of money, every resourse is tapped, house, cars, family, etc... I'm exhausted and decide that reguardless of how much I love this man I simply cannot do this anymore. Much to my broken heart I'm going to end the relationship when DH gets home the next weekend.

DH calls and says he on the way home. Say's I love you see you soon.

DH decides to stop on his way through and see kids.

BM actually sent the boy outside to my DH and the kid says, "My mom says you don't want to be my dad because you don't want to have to take care of me. Mom says you want me to have a new dad. Mom says to tell you to please be my dad."

DH is hearbroken.

BM then claims, "I'm so sorry, please don't punish him for my mistake. If you stop the disestablishment I'll do everything I can to make sure DH and SS have a good relationship."

DH doesn't make it home. Wont answer his cell. I have no idea what to think. That night I'm in a panic when the phone rings. It DH's Step-mom. She wants to know what the hell is going on. DH showed up there that afternoon, asked if he could stay, went to the spare room and hadn't come out. Say's he doesn't want to talk. He stayed there for three days, never called me. I was clueless what was going on. And beyond pissed.

Gets worse. I find out I'm pregnant. I'm crying my eyes out. My big sister, ever so supportive laughs at me and say's God has a plan. She also point out to me that I know DH. Something really bad must have happened to shake him up this bad. This is completely out of charecter.

He calls wants to talk. We meet in town. He tells me about what SS and BM had said to him. He is like a beaten down pup at this point. Asks me "How can a man be so lucky and so unlucky at the same time? I have the most wonderful woman who loves me and I want to spent the rest of my life with you. But, I also have 2 kids who say I have to choose between you and them. I choose you and I just cannot handle that I'm that bad of a dad that I wont choose them." I try to reassure him he doesn't have to choose. He can have it all.

Still hadn't told him about being pregnant. I didn't want him to come home because of a baby.

He want to make relationship work. Comes home. Tells me he's stopping the disestablishment. (I'm mad because of all the time, energy, money and stress. And because he was dumb enough to believe BM. Maybe it was the hormones. I'm also partialy relieved the whole thing was overwhelming.) I tell him I'm pregnant and I love him and will suport any decision he makes.

As soon as he stopped the court proceedings BM told the boy DH's not his dad, who his Daddy is and cut off contact. We have since seen SS maybe 5x. Each time is worse than the last. He will be all nice to DH then as soon as DH leaves the room the kid says things like "I hate coming here. I hate DH. He's not even my dad." DH comes back into the room and the kids all nice. It's like a Dr. Jekly Mr. Hyde thing.

DH has never even whispered a word about not being Bio-dad to SS. Which I think he needs to address. However, SS has come to me when DH isn't arount and talked to me a bit. He wanted to know what DH and my baby was to him. I said, your sister. He snapped at me, "No, I mean real real blood real." I said "she's nothing real real blood real. But you need to quit worring about what's in your blood and think about whats in your heart." I then told him about me being adopted and that even though my mom and dad weren't real real blood real they are my mom and dad. They raised me and loved me and took care of me. I thought this sunk in. Wrong.

The next time he says he doesn't love DH anymore because he Really Loves HIS REAL DAD. (Give me a break.) I try to explain to him that he can love everyone. He doesn't get it. (The kid is really overweight and loves all junk) So I ask him, would you rather have one candy bar or be lucky enough to have two. He gets all excited and says two. I say well aren't you lucky to have two dad's that love you. He just doesn't get it. Very hateful of DH. Say's DH lied about being his dad. I explained that DH thought he was you dad and DH cried when he found out he wasn't. SS says he doesn't care DH should have told him as soon as he found and and not been such a liar. I said, DH couldn't say anything because the judge would put him in jail. SS says, so he should have told me instead of lying to me and gone to jail.

Not once have I ever said anything bad about BM. Once SD told me a flat out lie that BM had told her. I really wanted to say, "Your mom's a f***ing liar." But instead I said, "I'm so sorry your mom is mistaken."

Over the years SK have been horrible to me and my children. And now our child. They are rude, disrespectful, brats. They break things and have stolen. They lie and ignore me. Thankfully they refuse to come around much so I don't have to deal with them ofter.

Our daughter is 3 1/2. 2years ago my washer had broken so I ran to the laundry mat. SS put baby in a dryer and shut the door. I was freaking out looking for her. When I found her it took everything inside of myself to not go nuts on SS. I explained to him that putting her in a dryer will KILL her. He said, "Sorry, I didn't know." A little while later I'm pulling out some laundry and look up. Not kidding 30secs tops. SS is leaning up against a dryer holding it shut with his leg. He'd put her back in a dryer. SD didn't say a word. I grab baby and freaked out and tell SS he can deal with his dad on this.

By the time DH gets home BM has picked up the kids. I tell him what happened and he freaks on me for picking on SS. What???

Anytime SK are mentioned, talked to, seen. The tension is on. Big explosion. He is the typical guilt ridden non-custodial dad.

As long as SK are not mentioned life is good. I cannot think of a time over the past several year that being around SK hasn't left me in tears.

BM was busted in Oct. for felony narcotics charges. Plead guilty and was put in drug court. No jail time. She basically has probation and treatment. Since then she has been put in jail 2x that we know of for violations, positive drug UA and forgery of her treatment persons signiture.

We found out yesterday that she had been in jail 6/29, 6/30 and 7/1. DH say's Ishould fight for custody. I say cautiously, You'll probably win. He gets all bent out of shape because I'm not jumping up and down cheering him on. He say's he's going to call the kids tell them he knows BM just got out of jail and ask if they're ready to come live with him. He say's they will then tell their BM and she'll clean up. I say good luck. He wants to know what I mean by that. I start to explain. He interupts before I can start and begins saying things like "What about the MY KIDS? You just want their mom to overdose and die. Then what SD wont come live with us because you wont let SS in your house." Now I'm angry and hurt and I tell him, maybe he should keep his mouth shut and hear what I have to say instead of jumping to conclusions. I then explain that the BM has finally backed off the kids where we are concerned and that if he puts the kids in that position its BS and it'll just make BM start up with the kids again. And besides he fought for them before and she didn't get clean why does he think it'll be any different? And besides it isn't SS that SD wont leave its BM 3 year old. I ask "Are you going to fight for her too?" He say's "no"

He then says if SK come live with us he'll make them change schools. I respond, "Well they'll have to they have no way to get to the school they're at now." (It's 45 min one way to they're current school.) He gets all ticked about my response. I think he though I was suposed to offer to transport them back and forth because when BM was first arrested and we thought the kids were coming to stay a little while with us I said I would drive them back and forth until we figured out what was happening. A few days is way different than a few school years.

I try to change the subject and tell him SD is excited because DH's brothers kid is changing schools and they'll go to school together. SD is going to be a Junior and niece will be a sophmore next year. He freaks about this. Say's great niece is such a bad kid and that SD is not doing well in shcool now and if niece goes to the same shcool SD won't even graduate. (What? SD only had a .99 GPA now.) I say to him that he cannot blame it on niece. That both girls are old enough to be responsible for their own choices. He proceeds to tell me about an incident where niece was like 4 or 5 and got made at SS and said, "I'm going to get my bb gun and shoot you in the eye." DH had a fit and asked her why. Niece says, SS is being really mean to her. DH blames who situation on niece. I tell him that was like 10 years ago. He says "She is still the same kid." So I ask, "What about when SS put our little one into the dryer. Not once, but twice? You never said a word about that? He's still the same kid." He gets all mad and say's "Oh your good at this aren't you. I was talking about MY KIDS." To which I lividly reply, "Our daughter is YOUR KID. And you never said a word to SS. What would you have done had he killed her? Let me guess you would have made up some excuse for the kid like always."

By this time I am furious and ask him, why should I get excited about those kids coming to live here? You'll go and get custody, leave town for work. Leave me with them to put up with all their nonsence and I'll be alone taking them to family counceling so we can try to adjust. You'll come home they'll make up viscious lies about me and the kids. Instead of questions their honesty and realizing you know me and my kids and our child you will automatically believe them. We'll fight all the time and they will destroy us. Yes, please let hateful, rude, disrespectful SK come live her and treat me like crap.

To which he replies "Shut the F*** up. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

My response, "You cannot talk to me this way. I absolutly will not accept this and you'd better give this some thought. Good-bye." I then hung up.

He has called several time today. The first time I just sat there. He wanted to know what's wrong??? Is he stupid? I let him have it. Told him I am completely through being his whipping post where his ex and kids are concerened. That it is ridiculous that he doesn't show me complete respect and appreciation for everything I've done for SK reguardless of how misserable they've been to me I've always gone over and beyone out of my way for SK. I have tried to teach them by example how people shoud behave and treat others.

I also told him that I believe he is angry because from the begining he told me that I let my kids get away with everything and how bad they were going to turn out and how great his kids were and how great they'd turn out. I guess time has told. I have two wonderful well adjusted respectful kids who would do anything for anyone. I said, "I think it pisses you off that my children have turned out so wonderful and yours are the way they are." I said this isn't my fault I tried at everyturn only to be told by you and BM to back off. You made every excuse for SK behavior. I am 100% done letting you take out your frustrations on those of us that live in this house and treat you good. If you want to take this crap out on anyone you need to call the ex and SK's from here on out.

DH and I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife. They are both really good people. We're actually going there as soon as DH gets home today for a 4th of July BBQ. This makes life on everyone involved so much easier and happier. All parents on the same page.

Why can't his ex at least be clean sober and sane?

DH told me right after BM was arrested that if he got the kids he would just leave them with me and work as much as possible out of town. I about flipped until he said, "The reason I'd do this is because your the best mom I've ever known. You are the only person that can help staighten out SK. And if I was here they would just manipulate me and even though I would know better than believe them I would because of guilt and what I went through with my stepparents." I asked why he couldn't simply stand beside me and show a united front. So I guess it was meant as a compliment about my mothering skills.

Sorry, this is just the tip of the iceberg with SK and I guess I just really needed to vent.