I am new to this forum and just need some place to vent. Problem is...Where do I start. I married a younger woman that had two children, a girl and a boy. We have been together for more than 7 years now (married for more than 6). She has always been over protective of her kids, but it is getting ridiculous. She does not believe in punishment. In fact, she rewards poor behavior. She is especially protective of her son. (I don't say "our son" because I am not allowed to be involved in raising him.)

Once upon a time, I convinced her to go to counseling, because her son was totally out of control. The counselor told us she didn't need to speak to our son until WE got our act together as far as his discipline was concerned. (There was no discipline. None. Zip. Nada.) She told us to go home and write down everything we expected of our son; What he was expected to do and what he was not allowed to do. Then take away everything and let him "earn" his things back. Every time he did something he knew he was not supposed to do, we were to take something back away from him. She told us he only acted like he did because nothing was expected of him. The counselor pretty much told my wife EVERYTHING I had been telling her. When we left the counselor's office she was telling me that this all sounded very good to her and she was even telling her son how his life would soon be changing. But, every time I asked her about sitting down and making the list, she would say it was stressing her out and she was not ready yet. As the days passed, she said more and more negative things about the counselor. No list was ever made and we never went back to the counselor.

My wife always tells her son, that the only thing she asks of him is for him to keep his room clean and not eat in his room. His room is so trashy, if I could describe it accurately, no one would believe me. Trash, clothes, dirty dishes (yea, that's kind of a clue that he's been eating in his room.) literally piled up all around. It stinks so bad in there, the other night he had a friend sleep over and the friend slept out on the couch. His friend told me that he couldn't stand the smell. (So the next time he slept over, my wife let them sleep in the study.)

The worst punishment she has ever given him was once when she caught him smoking pot (at age 13) and made him keep his room spotless for 5 days!

When he takes a shower, he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor. When I say something to him about it, the screams and hollers and tells his mom I am being mean to him. I ask him why he can't carry his clothes back to his room with him when he gets done. He says it's because he has to wrap a towel around himself, but he can't explain to me why he can't pick up his dirty clothes with his free hand. His mother is on his side about this.

He constantly trashes the kitchen. He spills sugary drinks all over the kitchen and up and down the hall to his bedroom. His mother mops up after him, but will NOT scold him.

I have a very nice outdoor grill. He cooks on it all the time, but he NEVER cleans up after himself. I told him if he did not learn to leave it like he found it, I would not allow him to use it. He never leaves it like he found it. He spills grease and blood from his steaks all over the outside of the grill. He leaves the utensils dirty and lying outside by the grill. Last week, he cooked on the grill at night during a thunderstorm. Then he left the grill lit, with the lid open and the grill filled 1/4 of the way up with water, floating all of the grease in the grease trap out of the trap and all over the inside of the grill. All of the grill tools and nasty utensils and a plate were also left out in the rain. My daughter told me she told him several times to go pick up the mess. When I found the mess, I was really pissed off. But, I couldn't say anything to him, so I told my wife I wanted him banned from the grill until he learned to respect other people's stuff. She went out the next day and bought him his own grill and told him I was to selfish to share my things any more.

He cusses her and talks to her like a dog. Sometimes, while he is being verbally abusive with her, she asks me to say something to him. I tell her he is just treating her the way she has taught him to treat her and the way he will treat his wife some day. That never goes over well.

She refuses to discuss this any further. She refuses to see another counselor. I love her. I even love him. But, I think he needs someone to stand up to him and teach him to be an adult. He needs some responsibilities and he needs to respect other people. She believes that since her parents pretty much let her do what she wanted and she turned out okay, that her son should be able to do what he wants.

He tears things up. He loses things. And she always replaces everything he loses or breaks. My daughter came to me the other night and asked my why he always gets his way. I told her I did not understand either. She told me that there have been times when she has wanted to do something and her mom would not let her. Her brother would tell her "let me go ask". Mom lets me do whatever I want. He would ask and they would both get to do whatever it was. (go somewhere late at night this particular time.)

Sometimes, when he is suspected of doing something bad, my wife tells him that if he'll fess up, he won't get in any trouble. Then when he confesses, she keeps her word and there are no consequences, as usual.

One more and then I'll stop. One afternoon while we were out, he got into the liquor cabinet and opened an unopened very expensive bottle of tequila. He drank about half of it. Obviously got very drunk and took pictures of himself (with my wife's camera) and called one of his friends moms. She called us and told us about it. I found the tequila bottle in his room (he didn't even try to hide it.) For his punishment, his mom made him pay for the tequila by mowing the yard and we bought a lock for the liquor cabinet.

The only person in the world that he respects is his ex con father. When he occasionally visits his dad, he always comes home with an attitude. He's always especially disrespectful to his mom upon return from his dad's. But he does not like to stay with his dad for very long at a time because he makes him keep his room clean and does not pay him for mowing the grass.

Anyway...I just wanted to give you an idea of my step parenting woes. Now that I have a place to vent, I will stop back from time to time and tell you the latest. I really love my wife. We are really good together whenever we are not fighting about her son.

But, there really is no solution. My wife says my parenting ideas are old fashioned and her son is just a normal teenager.

I really don't think I'm wrong. And neither did the counselor...