Please move on. He is not the man for you and he is letting you know that now. You are a baby at 22, find someone worthy of you and that can add to your life, don't add to someone else's as a convenience.

At 22, you are still so young. You may not want children now, but you may feel differently once you turn 30. Also, watching your boyfriend with his kids and the love he shares with them could cause resentment. Im not saying it happens all of the time but it does happen. Also, it sounds like he doesn't want any more children. He may avoid the issue to appease you so that you will stay with him for now. YOu ultimately need to make this decision for yourself, but I would seriously consider getting out now if you are thinking about it-----it will be easier now than later down the road when you have more invested in the relationship.

You will find out quick that even though you don't want to "consider his children baggage," they really ARE baggage. They will come with many challenges and issues that you aren't expecting. I tried to think like you at first but soon realized the term baggage makes the most sense because dealing with someone else's kids is a very heavy load to carry. Most people on here prefer to call it like it is.

I felt like this exactly for many years:

"I cant help feel like if I never share that with him that I'd never match up to what he had for and with the ex. Just in the more recent months feels like it's hard to watch, support and not get internally upset at the relationships, love and family that they have and I likely never will."

This issue is toughest to overcome. So tough, that knowing what I know now, I would have never gotten involved with a man with kids. Doesn't sound very hopeful but I'm telling you, it's a long and harsh road. Even the kindest of child-loving people become resentful angry because of skids!

Let me just add that before I married my DH I told him that there was no negotiation---I wanted my own child. He did try to back out of that promise that he made to me. My pregnancy was not easy, he was stressed about balancing everything and his daughter was extremely jealous and treated me like dirt the whole nine months, so I was kind of robbed of that special happy experience of being pregnant. But now my DD is 3 months old and both my SD and husband absolutely adore her. I think having an "ours" baby definitely brought us all together as a "family" more.

I wouldn't survive the stepshit if it weren't for my own BD2.

Get out now. I'm sure this is easier said than done but your relationship sounds fairly new, so hopefully it won't be too bad for you. Whatever the emotional price you pay for breaking up with him now will be nothing compared to a lifetime of resentment for him not having kids with you and the resentment of never getting to be a mother. You haven't even had the chance to decide if you want to be a mom (sounds like you do!) so don't let someone else make that choice for you. I have been begging my DH for another baby (I have 2 skids, ss12 and ss9 as well as our own son, 6) and he'd say things like he already has 3... so I have to pay for that dumb bitch BM's mistakes by missing out on my own happiness? I don't think so! My DH saw the light LOL and we've agreed to have another. BM can eff off as I am already paying enough for her manipulative mistakes. My DH is afraid to have more kids because if I leave him he'd have to pay even more child support and at the exorbitant rate we pay now, he'd never survive. However, I am happily married to him and was before we had our son, and I didn't have to try to trap him by getting pregnant.

Leave now or understand that you are in for a lifetime of resentment and unhappiness. Good luck.

Your BF doesn't want more children. People get "fixed" because they don't want more kids. They may reverse to make the new partner happy, but I don't think that's a good enough reason.
At 22, you are with an older man, who is MARRIED, and who has two kids. (And you don't even know how long ago they separated?)
WHY?
You will find that you will lose yourself and your hopes and dreams in him and his first family.

I won't tell you to leave - but don't marry him any time soon. Of course you can't anyway as he is not divorced.

There's no stigma these days to living with someone. Try that for awhile later if you still think he is "the one".

Treat the skids as you would a friend's kids. Pat them on the head and go on with your life. Do NOT EVER sacrifice your money, career, or happiness for someone else's children. period. dot. If he's a good man he will not ask YOU to give up your life for HIS children.

Think about is you really, really want children. Most women do. But some even wish they had not had children. (not many but it does happen).

Ask him if he would be supportive of you having a child with artificial insemination if he doesn't want a reversal. His reaction to this will tell you a whole lot. He wants you to accept children that are not biologically yours - but would accept a child that was not bio his?

"The only difference is that his children were conceived with another woman during their marriage.

You'd conceive another man's child while in a relationship with him.

But to me (not a man though) I think anonymous sperm from a non-sexual non-relationship is far less bothersome than his having a loving sexual encounter with another woman to deposit the sperm.

One is a medical procedure and one is a loving act between your DH and another woman.

Love and value yourself enough to leave. Build a life and career. Do not settle for a life of misery.Give yourself a chance for happiness and true love.

I'm in a similar situation, minus the vasectomy. My SO has 3 kids and has said previously that he isn't sure he wants any more. I also work with kids, especially kids with disabilities, on a dialy basis and even though they can be exhausting sometimes I think it would be wonderful to come home to a family of my own. I also think about how it would be wonderful to come home to a family with him. It's just hard to realize that this family may not exist. My SO has been really supportive and has even changed his tune about wanting children with me, but I feel like he's just doing this to make me happy which is scary. Being 30 (the age that I decided was scary long ago!) hasn't helped matters either. I know all of this doesn't really help, but please know you aren't alone in feeling all of these things. The best advice I can give is to make decisions based on what you want out of life, not what anyone else wants. You only get to live once and in the long run you have to do what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck!

I am not trying to sound like a bitch but everyone has their opinon. On this site you can't take everything to heart some- we all have been through a lot of pain and give our advice differently.

As for standing by a man while his divorce is going on it's really hard. I came in towards the end of my SO's divorce meaning the last court hearing and the 6 months it took BM to sign the papers. She will give you hell once all of this is done...standing by your man and the critism is hard. I love my SO more than anything and would not change standing by him but I feel BM and I could have been a little more civil if it did not go the way it did as she said I was a "instarepalcement" (he'd been working on the divorce for over a year trying to give her everything she wanted). Also that I am the reason she lost her husband and trust me I don't think those things will ever die down or not been thrown in my face but you have to face it.

What is she going to tell those children? You say you enjoy children but one visit a SC can be perfect the next they can put your life through hell I've been there. I have been through many ups and downs and it is a rollercoastr I am lucky my SO semi understands and will stand by me through...will yours?

I understand you love him but can you love him, his situation and yourself? A lot of us believe we can and as you read people get sucked into it and miserable. We focus on 'thats a part of dealing' and we stop loving ourselves nd become resentful. I'm not saying this will happen but something to think about.

Also your comment about I'm 22 I'm not worried about my clock eventually you will be. If you want children it needs to be discussed up front....because guess what what he has a clock aswell, and reversals don't always work if they have been in place for so long. Also as stated above he was never forced to do it. This was his choice and will always be his choice. I understand you are young but a part of being a stepmother means looking towards everything to come in the future.

I hope I can at least make you think a little bit. I am not telling you to leave or not to be happy...but I am a little younger than most on here I would assume and can relate. I have been through the divorce I have been through the rollercoaster and I also have the means to support myself and luckily that does not cross my mind anymore but you need to be aware of everything.

I think there can be a lot of negativity on this chat, but also a lot of support too. One thing you need to understand is you are talking to Steps that have been Steps for YEARS - there is a certain jaded outlook that can come with this job.

Yes, you are young! But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have an idea of what you want out of life and it sounds like you are pretty sure that you want children of your own. It also seems like he might not. The only way you will ever know is to talk. It also means that things will always be one way either. Life changes, expectations change, but you have to keep talking.

One big thing that I see a lot of is Steps complaining about the lack of support they get from their SOs/DHs regarding their skids... I am a tough cookie and I personally get a lot of support from mine, which I am hugely thankful for. My big thing is that I require it. I love my skids, and we are family but make no mistake at the end of the day I know they are not my children and I thrive to be involved in their lives and a participant in my family, but also to be independent. I take classes, workshops at least once a week for something I am interested in. I also a big fan of boundaries. It takes time though to establish things, but you have to start in the beginning and build on these gradually. When I started moving in the skids were sleeping in Dad's bed, which I am against... this was ended gradually as was co-sleeping in their rooms (which we both have done). SO & my bathroom/bedroom is exactly that - ours... kids can come in but knocking and privacy are also enforced. Let me tell you - this did not happen overnight either, but the progress is measured gradually.

My SO and I dated a year before I met the skids. This was a hard time for us, he had just separated and I was labelled pretty quickly as the other woman, which I was not but getting into it right away had it's consequences and he wasn't ready for a serious relationship even though in the first 6 mos he really committed to it. His ex was very hostile because she blamed me for ruining their marriage, which I didn't have anything to do with.

After I met the skids his divorce went through (2.5 years after they separated). We waited another year before we moved in together, but I was essentially living their anyways after I met the skids.

I love my skids, and despite the push back from BM I have fought for my place to be seen and make it known that she is stuck with me as much as I am with her and just because she hates me, she will have to deal with it. Jealousy is an amazing emotion and it comes and goes in waves. Her hackles go up when she feels like I am ousting her as the BM, which I can understand because her kids do love me (at least now they do)... but I also hate that he had a whole life and family before I got there and he is unsure if he wants more children, which I am absolutely certain I do. He knows I will leave over it - it is not something we haven't discussed to death, but right now we are just living in the moment. I have no children of my own, nor have I been married. This is not where I expected to be in my life and some days I want to throw in the towel, and other days I couldn't picture being anywhere other than where I am. It comes and goes in waves.

Also remember, even parents have a hard time with their kids. So even Bios can't believe the stuff the kids say, or how much it hurts despite doing everything for their children...

Don't EVER compare yourself to your stepwife (read STEPWIVES!). Even if you meet her and have an amazing relationship with her, remember this - it is a business relationship. Keep it clean and simple if you can. Jealousy, resentment and frustrations will happen but when you take the high road (which is VERY hard to do all the time, especially if there is some crazy going on there) - you will feel better sometimes biting your tongue bc it isn't worth the drama, even though at the time you will be wanting to tear some hair out... hers or yours or your BF's.

Good Luck. Follow your heart. Don't get pressured into anything and make sure that every compromise you do make, you do so with a clear heart knowing it was you who made those choices. Don't blame others for your choices and don't compromise on the important stuff... but if you do - take responsibility for that. Be an active partner as your relationship grows and pick your battles!

I should also add... do not expect to love your skids or for them to love you. This is bonus if it does happen and in a lot of cases it does not. Expect to tolerate their presence to the best of your abilities as a person and even if you can't stand them, they are people too and where you have the choice to enter this relationship - they do not.

I don't post very often......But I read the post and the replies and I feel the need to add my 2 cents.
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What everyone is trying to tell you is not to allow the love conquers feeling to cloud your view of your situation.
There are a few home truths that I wish I had known before becoming a stepmom.
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1. BM....she is always going to be there. Even if they do not like each other (as is my case) she is still
the mother of his child. For a long time I was referred to as that individual. That individual playing mommy to her child.
Just recently has she started to mellow out and see the contribution that I make SD's life. But this isn't
always the case, many BMs continue being horrible out of spite or their own insecurity for years. I am not blind
I know that she can flip in a heart beat if she feels I am stepping on her toes. Make sure there are boundaries in place
between her and your SO. Before becoming overly involved make sure those boundaries are being followed to the letter
and that your SO is strong enough to keep the boundaries up even if BM decides to go batshit crazy. The one thing you
don't want is to go into a situation where there are no boundaries in place and your SO is weak willed.
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2. Stepkids....I LOVE my SD. But I am not the momma. I am her insertfirstname. Before any large commitments make sure you
understand his parenting style. Do you agree with his parenting style? Is he a disney dad? Is he going to stick up for your
rules? Or is this going to be a situation where you are just the nanny and the cleaner and the kids only listen to him. I am
much luckier then many Stepmoms on this board. SO and I are untied front went it comes to rules. I am not SD's fun Aunt, plaything
or friend. I am the house mom and what I say goes and he backs me up. Punishments are doled out by both of us.....If SD is misbehaving
myself or SO put her in timeout. We talked about this prior to moving in together as at the time I was a full time SM. Again read this message board....this is a big bone of contention with many Steps out there. Guilt can cause a normal rational human to elevate a child to god like status where there is no discipline. You need to understand and agree with parenting styles. What you see when you are with them
may not be what it is like all the time. I was lucky. SO and I parent the same. We have both SD and my BD understanding that WE are the parents and the adults in the house not them.
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3. Having another child.....Personally we don't want anymore. We have 2 with a considerable age difference between the two. Before we made a commitment to each other we made sure that we were both on the same page. We don't want ANYMORE kids. He is talking about having a V. And I am more then happy with that however, I am 35. You are 22. That 7 years is HUGE!!! You may not have a burning desire right now but you might do later down the road. You need to ensure that you are all good on the parenting front and the rules front BEFORE he even considers having a reversal. Many of us don't take that into consideration. In many of the cases SO either is harder on the joint biochild then their own bio or there are two different sets of rules for each child. But you have a good opportunity to see the type of parent he is BEFORE you go down that road.
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4. Your relationship....Again this seems to be a big bone of contention with many steps. I can not stress this enough. Your relationship needs to be separate from the kids. We just had this discussion with BD. She thought SO was talking to her about something because of me. She was promptly informed by the two of us that our relationship as adults is separate from their relationship as SD and SF. You are more than a SM you are his SO. You are not the nanny or the babysitter or the cleaner. Again work on YOUR relationship before you make any big commitments to his kids. Now that we don't have both the girls all the time if we had made our relationship about them it would have been doomed. Take the time to really figure each other out.

I know I have made this sound rosy but it has taken TIME to get here. When we first moved in together I was a full time SM. BM relocated and had the CO changed so things have changed for us. I am not going to tell you to run or to leave him. But there needs to be some really in depth conversations and YOU need to make sure that the actions and the words match. Be his GF....have fun together and build on your relationship....You are 22 don't be in a rush. Live apart for a good long time and make sure that you all fit. I am not saying not to be around his kids as they will be there but take your time. The one thing that you need to be aware of is that kids views change.....they love you one minute and the next you will be the monster. That can happen with all kids but stepkids or Bios that go between two houses it seems to happen a lot more.

To make a long story short...Love doesn't always make life fantastic but making rational adult decisions can make life a lot easier. Don't go in with blinders on...understand parenting styles, boundaries and where your SO and BM are at.

Just my 2 cents.