Newbie
I'm very new to this site, but have very few ways of getting suypport or advice for my given situation. I started dating my BF 30 in February. He has two kids, 4 and 7. I'm not entirely sure as to when break ups and all that jazz happened as I hate to pry, know, ask about it. I'm not sure if my age and inexperience in relationships and families has something to do with my complete lack of interest in it. I'm only 22, definitely havent had kids, been married. ANYWAYS, I'm not sure if I find all the "baggage" hate using that word because I'd never consider his children baggage. Divorce still pending, really not sure what happened in the relationship but BF had a vasectomy at 27 or 28 unsure.
I don't know if theres anyone else out there who could shed some light on how to deal with taking care, caring, and living life with 2 kids of someone elses while knowing the chances of sharing that with your spouse now are slim to none. I cant help feel like if I never share that with him that I'd never match up to what he had for and with the ex. Just in the more recent months feels like it's hard to watch, support and not get internally upset at the relationships, love and family that they have and I likely never will. Anybody else got similar situations or feelings?
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Comments
I don't know about you, but I
I don't know about you, but I was always taught that knowledge is power. If you are in a relationship with someone that involves someone else's kids, a pending divorce etc. then by all means I think you have every right to know the gory details.
I also feel that you are awfully young to be on the fence about having your ownn children (leaning more towards wanting your own) to be with a man who can't/won't give you that.
I'm not going to say you should run for your life, but before you invest anymore time in this relationship, you need to have a serious sit down with your BF and decide if you two have the same future/goals in mind.
OMG! Dog Person: This is why
OMG! Dog Person: This is why we are friends. <3
U 2! PM'd ya!
U 2! PM'd ya!
There is no way I would NOT
There is no way I would NOT know what happened with their relationship. Your are considering putting your future on the line, you have every right to know.
And at 22, I would have ran so fast from this situation, (and prob my current one!) There would have only been a puff of smoke for that man to see....
There is no way I would NOT
There is no way I would NOT know what happened with their relationship. Your are considering putting your future on the line, you have every right to know.
And at 22, I would have ran so fast from this situation, (and prob my current one!) There would have only been a puff of smoke for that man to see....
This is no time to be
This is no time to be mannerly and not to pry. You need to do some serious prying as beaccountable says. This is your life! You get one shot at life, don't squander it. And you are in over your head. If you think it's difficult now, you ain't seen nothing yet. Seriously. You will be the hated interloper and the target of their poison. They aren't your kids and never will be, no matter how nice you are or how hard you try. And they like it when you try, because it makes it so easy to hurt you. Find someone without kids/baggage, someone closer to your own age, unless you want to end up being the unpaid housekeeper that gets to eat the stale shite from this guys past mistakes. Don't think he'll have you back either-most of them won't because they are lazy, probably gutless and feel irrationally guilty about the past.
Don't waste your life on people with baggage. When we all say run, it is the many voices of experience that are warning you. I hope you hear us. I wish you a happy, carefree life without skids.
Good points on being nosey.
Good points on being nosey. You NEED to know about his past because his past will become your present AND your future! My DH's ex is a convicted felon--good info to know when I have her spawn living with me and they both try to manipulate the shit out of me, and possibly could try to steal from me. There's a lot more to this nightmare and I'm convinced I needed to know about his past relationship!
SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
You seem to be treading on
You seem to be treading on eggshells. You don't want to pry yet want to be part of this guys life. Well honey, you have a right to have your questions answered. Consider this, would you walk into a new job with no idea who your boss is or what is expected from you and what the pay is? The same thing here. You have no idea why he is getting divorced (another man/woman? he/she gambled/drinks?)
If you fancy a future with this man you need to have the kinds of talks like "I want the option to choose to have kids or not. Are you open to a vasectomy reversal? / Can you tell me why you are getting divorced?" It is your right to know this stuff. You are sharing your body, mind and soul with this guy but you really know nothing about him and why he is in this place in his life.
When I met my DH we both asked questions... morality, religion, ethics, values and why we were both divorced. Having the same sense of humour and him being amazing and 'getting along' just doesn't cut it.
Poor, poor, NicoleMarie. I
Poor, poor, NicoleMarie.
I feel soo much for you, I really do.
Some really great posters here have given you much to think about. Glad you took my suggestions and found your way to StepTalk.
You'll find many women here, just like us, going thru what we're going thru. I understand you! Chances are if anyone will understand you, it'll be one of the great people here.
BTW- I don't think you're "inexperienced" with families, you know first hand about blended families & stepping.