I dont know what she is thinking, either, and I don't know what her remark means..  But I would let her go, try not to think of her, concentrate your energirs on the remaining family.  You gave done such a commendable thing to take on these children, and it sounds like you did your best with a troubled girl.  How does your DH see the situation?  He should be making sure she treats you respectfully.

You poured a lot of effort into raising her so I understand why you are having trouble detaching from her.  But she is living elsewhere, going to college.  Even if she were your bio daughter without problems, she would still be pulling away.  I know its hard to not worry and care.  But theres not much else you can do.  If you read around this site, you will see the discussions about disengagement.  That's what you need to do.  Good luck.

You said it yourself - "Enjoy your life, talk to her when she needs you, other than that let her be."  

This is what you need to do.  You can't force someone to relate to you in the way you want, you can't control another person or persuade them that they are behaving wrongly in the relationship.  The only behaviour you can control is your own. I would suggest you stop knocking your head against a brick wall.   You should not put up with any rudeness or verbal abuse however - if this is frequent she should go live somewhere else - you have the right to demand that as she has been an adult for several years.  She needs to treat you respectfully or get her own place. 

"Your crack head mother is still ruining  your life. Sadly, you are choosing to let her ruin your life. I am the only mother you have actually had, I am the only mother your siblings have, and you little girl need to grow up, pull  your head out of your ass, and .... surprise... no more financial support for you out of this family's resources.  So, enjoy school loan debt or.... not finishing your degree.  Buh-bye. When you pull your head out of your ass give us a call."

I don't give a shit about this kid's past or what she has gone through.  Her toxic behavior makes her a write off.  For a college student her inability to communicate is astounding. "... you are on the middle and need to do that." WTF does that mean? It means absolutely nothing to anyone with even half a brain.  That it means something to her tells as much as anyone needs to know about this toxic write off of a POS. She is a dipshit.

She is right about one thing. You are not dumb.  But she sure is.  Beyond any scale of idiocy that I can imagine.

Grrrr!

I am angry for you.  Write her off, let her figure it all out for herself.

I would not even talk to her regardless of what she thinks she needs or actually needs. Buh-bye to that POS.

I think it is imporant that the younger kids get the facts on both their mother and their elder sister.  Both are perfect examples of what not to do.

I can assume the middle comment was that you are just an adult figure to her and need to just be that. Not really her mom and your not really her friend. Maybe more like an Aunt or a teacher she would have been fond of.

Please do not take it as I am saying what she said is fair or right. Just maybe trying to make sense of what she said. She is 20 and thinks she knows everything and has the whole world figured out. I think we all do at that age. Stuff will happen to knock her down naturally put her in her place.

I was not close to my Bio-Dad and did totally like my Steddad at first but I respected him as an adult and somewhat listened to him. He helped me through college by signing my loans and was there whenever I needed him. It took a lot of time but we are in a really good place, I am 35. 15 years ago mostly just considered him my mom's husband.

She may come around, she may not you never know, only time can tell. If she does just be there for her and do not do an I told you so thing. She is finding herself and figuring things out. Reality will hit her one day.