New here!
Hi everyone,
I spent a good few hours on here earlier reading through loads of topics and blogs...it was a relief to know that I'm not the only one who has these feelings...and that some have worse situations than me as well! I am slightly wondering what I've got to moan about after reading some of the stories!
I am 21 years old, and became a stepmum at 18. My SS is now 4 years old. I am engaged to his dad and we live together. I have tried and tried EOW to form a bond with this child..and sometimes its felt like we have got somewhere and I get some lovely affection from him.I take him out to places just me and him, cook him lovely healthy dinners, buy him gifts, play with him, read him bedtime stories etc etc, everything I feel I should do! In the last 6+ months though he's grown more and more determined to not like me. You should see the look on his face when he looks at me..he looks possessed! It actually scares me. He shouts at me, snatches things, pushes me out the way, slams doors in my face.. I am sure that BM is poisoning his mind...every time he comes he refuses to talk to me at first, then by the end of the weekend he's fine with me, but then its the same situation the next time. I am utterly exhausted..I don't have the energy to make an effort with him anymore, and I realise that is a horrific thing to say. I am gutted we don't have a bond because I think the situation would be so much easier, but it just makes my resentment even stronger. I resent the fact that my fiance has a child- I do realise that I knew this before I got with him. I resent the fact that every other weekend revolves around a child that, not only isn't mine, doesn't even like me!!
I am lucky in the way that OH backs me up when SS needs to be disciplined (I try and get OH to enforce this though as that wouldnt exactly help SS like me!) I am a nanny so spend the majority of time with children..I love them..just not this one!! In a way I suppose I assumed that because I work with and love children, I wouldn't find being a stepmum that bad-wrong!!
OH used to make some comments that really didn't help my feelings, such as 'SS comes first, he's my world, if I don't see him then theres nothing worth living for, you come after him'. I realise these things are true, but I don't need to hear them!! To be fair they have stopped since I addressed this issue with him. My other problem with OH is that he would do anything that BM tells him to. She is always threatening to not let him see the child, which sends OH into a panic. She was recently demanding a few extra hundred £££ on top of the maintenance he pays. When he said no she said hes not allowed to see his child. BM is a really horrible woman, but that is for another day or this post will go on forever!! Basically she puts herself before her child, and hasn't worked a day in her life, but for some reason feels like everyone owes her something..she has even said to my OH to get money off of ME personally to give her.
I look forward to reading more stories, and hopefully getting to know a few of you. We can all be in this together!! Also do you think I should carry on trying to form a bond? Or accept defeat? I'd love to enjoy ALL of my weekends, not just the ones without my SS!
I read a saying somewhere ages ago that has stuck with me..."If parenting is a thankless task, step-parenting is doubly so!"......ain't that the truth!!
Stop trying so hard, and let
Stop trying so hard, and let him come to you. He has a mom, and probably sees you as an invader, especially thanks to his mom. Just be friendly and not so pushy with the mommying. Why isn't his dad reading the bedtime stories? Sometimes in our quest to be a great stepmom, we push the dad out.
Oh dear, I also concur that
Oh dear, I also concur that it might be better if you don't do the mommying thing so much. As a nanny, it's expected, as a stepmom, it can often be viewed as pushy. I know you're probably thinking "WTF does that have to do with being a mommy or a nanny? this is about taking care of kids!" but trust me, there is a difference.
Sometimes the harder you try, the more he'll push you away. When he wants to bond, he will--although chances are he may be hesitant because BM is doing some interesting PAS campaign against you.
Good luck!
Do you guys have a custody
Do you guys have a custody order in place. If so then BM can't withhold visitation. If not you guys need to get one.
I agree with the above posts. Quit pushing so hard. It works as a nanny when you mother the kids because their family is probably still intact and even if it's not you are not viewed as a threat and there is no loyalty issues involved.
This is the approach that I have used for FSD(7) and FSS(5) and they are both coming around in little steps. I don't push, but I'm still there. Now when I say something to FSS trying to mess with him he'll actually smile at me and FSD gives me kisses and hugs at night and tells me she loves me. Believe me when I tell you that it was not like that at first.
I like to call it the cat approach. Skids are like cats. You can' force your attention on a cat. If they don't want it, they don't want it. But eventually when the cat is ready, it'll come to you.
One thing that you need to understand is that you will never have a relationship with him that his bio mom or dad will have. It's not that you wont have a realtionship with him at all, it's just yours will be different. He's so little right now. Both you guys have plenty of time to figure out what type of relationship will work best for the both of you.
Just sit back, take a big breath, and relax a little bit. If it's meant to be it will happen naturally.