new to all of this, please help!
Hello! I recently proposed to my SO who is a single mother of two boys(4 and 6). We've been together for about a year. We live about two hours away from each other, so we spend the weekends together (3-4 days every week). The biological father has part time custody of the boys(every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer). The biological father is not very interactive or available for the boys. He is remarried to woman who has 3 kids of her own and they just recently had twins together. So when the boys are with them there are 7 kids, but thats a different story... I joined up hoping to get some advice and direction on how to be a stepparent and also what my current role in their life should be. I do not have any children of my own and I have never been with anyone who has children before. I know it's too early for me to take on any kind of disciplinary role nor do I want to right now. The boys are great kids but they do have some issues with disrespecting their mother and with being disrespectful towards adults in general. All of which is understandable given the situation and their ages. However, it's hard for me to sit back and watch them be disrespectful to their mother who does everything for them. It's also hard for me to bite my tongue when I am corrected by a child. How should I respond in these situations? Anyone else out there thats in a similar situation where you are with someone with kids but have none of your own? Thank you for any advice in advance!
Hello and welcome to steptalk
Hello and welcome to steptalk and congratulations on your engagement- I am sure you will get plenty of advice here, some of which may challenge your preceptions of what being a step-parent is like.
Please note these are only my observations- I have no experience of being a step to younger children.
It is too early for you to take on a disciplinary role- you are right, keep your distance as much as possible, but stand up for your wife without undermining her parental role.
You are corrected by a child? Is this just back-chat, or are they asserting some sort of control over you? Some back-chat can be tolerated and dealt with some humour at this age, but anything more should be dealt with my the parent and is a bit of a red flag. Adults should be in control, always.
My advice is not to rush into a wedding, seems harsh but I wouldn't rush into anything until you have established ground rules for what you will and will not tolerate as these boys get older. You and your SO have to be on the same page, and if not delay the marriage.
Also make sure the finances for supporting these boys fall on the parents and not on yourself. I have read many, many posts on here from men who have taken on far too much financial support for their skids and it has caused tremendous problems.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, as you may feel in a good place with the engagement etc, and maybe things will be great for all of you- but because you came here for advice I suspect there are doubts.
Listen to your gut feelings on this and don't rush into marriage unless you are totally, 100% certain that the lines in the sand will be adhered to. Don't compromise your own standards.
My thoughts
You have every right to correct a child who is blantantly rude to you. You can also correct a child for being rude to your SO. In fact I suggest you do it before you marry. You will want to find out now whether the SO will
have your back or take the child side. This is vital information. If she has your back she will be your partner. If she turns against you for being mean to her children then she will not be a good partner. Now let me clarify...I’m talking verbal corrections. Not physical corrections such as spankings or anything like that.
You must set boundaries for these kids now or it willbe hell for you later on.
Good advice
Thank you guys for your advice. There is no date for the wedding yet. The engagement is more to show I’m serious and in it for the long haul. As far as financial support goes, I’m not worried about that. My SO isn’t looking for financial help and has never asked for any. I try to discuss issues I have with the boys behavior with her and it’s difficult because she gets really sad when I do. She thinks it means she has somehow failed as a parent. I’m getting frustrated because I don’t know how to bring the topic up without making her feel bad. There aren’t a ton of issues just one or two that keep happening.
What the others have said.
What the others have said. Make sure you and SO are on same page. You have to be a united front. If they are able to minupulate and come between you now it will only get worse as they get older. If you correct the children and she undermines you in front of the children they will pick up on this and know they never have to listen to you. Set your boundaries now!!!! Don’t wait it will be to late. If you are not united they will come between you.
This might seem harsh but I
This might seem harsh but I would not marry this woman until you have been together longer and by longer I mean several years. Everything may be great now but once you move in at may be a different story. Those boys may turn on you once you live there and may make your life hell. You don't know how a situation truly is until you live there and have been together for a really long time, in terms of several years. I am just looking out for you. Please don't take it the wrong way. Also I might add that you not only do you have every right to correct a child(verbally) who is rude to you or your SO, you should correct a child who is rude to you or your SO(verbally). A good SO will back you up. A bad SO will defend her child's poor behavior and turn on you. This is a good way to tell what kind of SO she will be in the future.
When I was new there 3 things
When I was new there 3 things I had to learn. I used books and websites.
1) positive parenting. To learn what the heck I’m supposed to do. Never been with someone with kids behind either.
2) stepparenting. What possibly could go wrong? lol . (Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin). Wow, read it.
3) effective communication and conflict resolution. To learn how to talk to my DH better, and have more productive discussions.
Later I learned about mindfulness... that one was for me. To save my sanity. I like Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now