The GF will NEVER be on your side as far as going against him to benefit you....she has no vested interest in you. Excuse my bluntness.

Be careful of how much custody you agree too...courts tend to go with the status quo.....if/when you end up there. Once you give it up you may not get it back...

Don't be bullied into doing something your not comfortable with!!!

PS

Every other weekend tends to be the norm....the other option tends to be 50/50....from what I see

I partially agree with lovin-life that ultimately the “fiancé” will NEVER go against him to side with you TO YOU b/c lets face it , if she did then she will never be the “new wife”…however, I would say that you do have an ally in her in that you feel that her “babysitting” may get old after the new relationship thrill is gone (although she may grow to LOVE YOUR SON TO DEATH over time and don’t rule out that option either!) but that doesn’t mean that she will want to be his primary care giver while your husband/her fiancé is off doing whatever…so…my suggestion is that you keep the lines of communication open with her and DON’T alienate her b/c if she can see your side...although she is very unlikely to say so to you, she may advocate for you to your husband…I know I’ve done so in the past…i.e. my husband and the ex were having an argument about something REALLY PETTY (dirty gym shoes!) I told him “I see what you are saying and EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD NO BUSINESS SPEAKING TO YOU THAT WAY OR OVERACTING (supportive new wife here!) it would have been nice if you could have just wiped them down and sent them back” Now I would NEVER say as much to her…to her I have HIS BACK 100% (b/c at the end of the day WE are the team!) but I also have the responsibility to tell him where he is in error for HIS growth! So…I say all that to say, you may have a secret ally in GF and not realize it…if you can talk to her, tell her your point of view on the issue and she may help him see your side behind closed doors (especially if she secretly doesn’t want the added responsibility either) Also, I can tell you this “step mom insider tip”…should you push her away and alienate her, she can use that same “power” against you! I’ve don’t that as well....it may sound childish but she once told me “mind your own business and worry about your own children” so I said, Okay, well we’ll just let you see what happens when I take your advice…and I STOPPED being her “voice of reason” behind closed doors or reminding him to do something for her he said he would do, things like that…so be cautions about how you deal with her b/c she really does have a lot of “control” over how this thing develops! Keep us posted!

Make a GREAT Day!

WELL SAID NISE! I AGREE

The ONLYCHILD.

As a stepmom of three, I know how detrimental it can be for all concerned when the BM refuses to allow a relationship between the child and his father/stepmother/siblings. It hurts the father and the new stepmom, but it also hurts the child and any new children that come along. A child has the RIGHT to enjoy a relationship with ALL of his parents, including the noncustodial parent, the new stepparent and any new siblings that may come along, be they step-siblings or half-siblings. They are his family, too. Unless there's a problem with abuse, immoral or improper behavior or neglect on the part of the other parent, what reason would there be for disallowing equal time with the other parent? Would the benefits outweight the risks? What is best for THE CHILD

The ONLY factor you should consider is what is in the best interest of the CHILD.

As a stepmom of three, I know how detrimental it can be for all concerned when the BM refuses to allow a relationship between the child and his father/stepmother/siblings. It hurts the father and the new stepmom, but it also hurts the child and any new children that come along. A child has the RIGHT to enjoy a relationship with ALL of his parents, including the noncustodial parent, the new stepparent and any new siblings that may come along, be they step-siblings or half-siblings. They are his family, too. Unless there's a problem with abuse, immoral or improper behavior or neglect on the part of the other parent, what reason would there be for disallowing equal time with the other parent? Would the benefits outweight the risks? What is best for THE CHILD?

A child's most influential role model is the parent of the same sex. It's important for boys to have a solid relationship with their father. If you have a young son who will be needing his father's support and guidance, is it fair to him to limit the amount of the time he spends with his father? As a biomom of a son, I can tell you that there are things my boy will not discuss with me... he'll only talk to his Dad about them. Who will your son talk to?

My son was actually born of my previous marriage. His father sort of abandoned us when I was pregnant, because he didn't want to be a husband and father, after all. (Would've been nice if he'd made that decision BEFORE he married me and got me pregnant, but that's another story.) Still, I did everything I could to try to get him to have a relationship with his son, because I just feel strongly that it's important for a boy to have a relationship with his father. I was lucky in that my new husband bonded with my son and actually adopted him. That relationship has been very important to my son, especially when he has questions about "boy stuff" that I couldn't possibly begin to answer.

Children do spend time with babysitters or in daycare, especially when both parents work, and that's okay. If it's okay for a custodial parent to get a babysitter, then it should also be okay for the noncustodial parent to get a babysitter, especially if it's to go to work. But your child isn't going to be with a babysitter, he's going to be with the GF in his father's home. This is someone who SHOULD be more trustworthy, since it's someone that the father has faith in to watch the child, and who COULD eventually become the child's step-mother. Think about it this way... if you've met her and have spent enough time to form an opinion about her, would you consider letting her babysit if she were your brother's fiance? Take your soon-to-be ex-husband out of the equation and base your opinion on HER, regardless of her relationship with him.

Like it or not, want it or not, if the woman truly loves the child's father, then she will naturally feel something for the child, too, and that something could grow into a real love. It will never be the same as a mother's love, like what you feel for your son, but it can be beneficial to the child. I mean, when you think about it, is there a good reason to deny any child the love of a parent, whether that parent is a natural parent or a well-meaning step-parent? You're his mom and NOTHING will ever change that. No one ever could take YOUR place in his life. Being a little generous now could save you tons of headaches later.

If you are not comfortable with more overnight visits, what about increasing visits at other times? If he's getting two days every other weekend, how about adding four hours during the off-weekends or maybe two or three hours in the evening one night a week. If you live close enough, there are plenty of ways to be creative with the time so that the child can have equal access to both parents, even though he lives with one full-time and only has every other weekend visitation with the other.

~ Anne ~

You are the biomom.. I commend you on trying to be civil with this new woman in his life. Applause to you. It sounds to me like you truly put your son first..

Now back to this matter.
I think you should include her in things. Talk to her. Be weary because honestly she can turn on you and vise versa but if she wants to be a part of this little guys life then great. She may want children in there future but that is speculation. You are not sure, so until it happens do not worry about that.

Visitation, I say should be guideline.. Only because where in the hell was he for that whole year you took care of your son. It would be different if he would have left and stayed a fixture in sons life. SO be weary of him. Who is to say he will not walk out completely again.

Another thing.. Learn from what I am telling you.. DO not be so nice that you screw yourself along the way with your divorce? It will come to bite you in the ass. It did me.. And now he has a big farm and owns tons and I own a couch and stuff. Heinsite I would have taken what I was diserved (I have his two children). But I was nice and walked away thinking he had worked so hard for the farm and now I fight to get support which is $130 a week.. SO be strong and try to be a bitch too.

My advie on the GF is though. If you honestly feel like she is nice then try to include her in things.. Ok..
Best of luck to you..
What a dilemma..