So this may be a little long, but I want to put the whole thing out there. I met my DH when my SD was 5, she is 15 now. Her BM passed away when she was 4. BM's family is of a different culture than I am. They resented me immediatley, and began causing problems for me and DH and SD pretty quickly. We moved to a different state when SD was 7. BM's family told SD that we were taking her out of the country and she would never see them again and that BM would be very upset about this. BM's family began telling SD that BM was sending money from heaven to buy her things, ect. SD would go see BM's family for about a month each summer and one week at Christmas. We had her the rest of the time. BM's family started making SD celebrate BM's birthday at the cemetary, they would tell her things like BM is sitting next to you right now "brushing your hair." ANY rule we had, they broke. SD was 8 years old and they were buying her tube tops, mini skirts, and knee high boots - among other things.

I legally adopted SD when she was 11. This was a mutal thing. She agreed, DH agreed, I wanted to. I really thought I was making the best decision. I had been raising her, I was bonded to her, and I thought that it would be a good thing. We did not tell BM's family about the adoption, we new they would freak out. I did not limit thier contact with SD (even though I wanted too, real real bad) In hindsight I should have.

Enter me and DH's 1st born child when SD was 7. BM's family starts telling SD that BD is not her sister becuase she is of a different culture. This bleeds into SD starting to resent BD pretty quickly. SD starts telling me that me and DH cant be married becuase BM is coming back from heaven to marry DH. BM's family starts telling me that DH will never love me like he loved BM and that I will never be good enough. Thank god we live in a different state. DH never sticks up for me to them, in fact he never talks to them. He leaves it all to me. I cry frequently.

My DH works a lot. And just started leaving SD with me as soon as we started living together when SD was 6. He would just go to work and leave her with me, which was ok, but not something we really talked about. I registered her in school, went to parent teacher conferences, took her to girl scouts, baseball, ice skating, eventually began going to the principal's office, picking her up from law enforcemnet, going to court. ALONE, no help from DH.

SD started sneaking boys into our house, "accidently" broke BD's arm, started a small fire in her room (buring notes), was getting multiple F's in class, numerous tardies (like every day), started shoplifting, triagulating, manipulating and lieing. So I tell DH that we should take a parenting class. Maybe we are doing something wrong. We take parenting class and learn some new things.

Well DH WILL NOT DISICLIPLING SD! In fact, takes her side over mine, when there is an issue. If I tell him SD has 3 F's she will say no, I have all A's and 2 B's. I show him report card. He says "I dont know who to belive" and walks away. SD started fire in room, and took a video of it. SD denied the fire, I found the Video, DH refused to watch the video and there was no disiclipne and no accountably of SD. SD steals our camera. Takes it to school, takes a bunch of photos. We cant find camera. I look in her room and find it, it is full of pics of her and her frineds. She LIES and says she DID NOT TAKE IT TO SCHOOL. DH burns her a cc of the photos and says nothing about stealing the camera or lying.

At this poing my marriage is a wreck. DH wont disiclipline SD. SD knows it. BM's family starts telling SD that she can come live with them, life will be so much better with them, Im mean and evil and I dont love her, and DH is a loser becuase he married me ect. SD says she is going to continue to get in trouble until we let her go live with BM's family. BM's family is telling ME that they dont want her to live with them, at the same time they are telling her she can "come any time". DH tells SD she can go live with BM's family. SD tells everyone I "kicked her out."

SD goes to live with BM's family she is 14. She gets kicked out of 2 schools in 2 months. She has no rules. She is bouncing around here to here to here. DH only gets SD's side of the story. Never BM's family's side (as much as I dont like them, I think DH should talk to BM's family about this) SD tells DH that she is doing great in school ect. DH does not follow up. We have yet to see a report card.

3 months ago BM's family kicks SD out. Tells her to go live with DH's family. This was never in the plan, we were never talked to about it. Now SD is living with DH's family. DH's mom works nights, DH's dad is disabled. SD is doing whatever she wants.

DH now wants SD to move back. I cant not let her back into my house. I do not trust her, I do not want her around BD and BS. The issues around SD nearly ruined my marriage. Since SD has been gone my marriage has never been better. Now, just the thought of SD coming back is creating anxiety and stress in my marriage and she is not even here. I know that DH will not step up to SD ever, and It will be the same situation, repeated and intensified. She hates me. Im the only person that has tried to hold her accountable for anything. If she is in trouble she says "my mom died" and everyone just "lets it go." She does not remember her BM. But she knows that she has the "perfect excuse" to get away with murder.

BM's family and SD are giving DH major guilt trips about everything. I think this is why he wants her to come back so they will stop telling him he is a loser for "not raising his kid"

I want to support DH, but I cant live with SD. WHAT DO I DO? we are going to visit SD and DH's family in 2 weeks. I dont want to go. DH wants SD to move back when we come back. Im in tears as I write this. I feel like it will be the end of my marriage if she comes back.