Need advice please!
Hi everyone,
I met my BF a few months back. He is divorced and has a daughter who lives with his ex in another country. I am aware of the complications and the headache associated with stepkid/s. I didn't want to get involved with someone with kids, but since my BF lives like a single person and is super good and nice to me, I took a leap of faith and gave it a try and things are getting serious between us.
We have a great loving and caring relationship with each other, but he having a kid has started to make me feel concerned about our future. I had a talk with him about it and he was very understanding and reassuring. He said he will see his kid once a year by himself. He doesn't expect me to take care of his child now or in future. His ex has got the custody of the child. He will basically support the child financially and emotionally through talking on the phone and meeting in person once a year. He says that I will be his priority and he wants to have more kids and start life again and he won't feel guilty for having more kids who he will be involved with on daily basis. I did made it clear to him that I don't want to deal with his kid and he said he was fine with it, but now I am wondering whether this is too good to be true?
Another thing is the money. He will have to make a trip every year now that will mean we will have less money and he will have less time for vacations to elsewhere. I did bring up the issue of money and he says he will only travel if we are financially secure ourselves and that he will take our vacation into consideration as well. While I appreciate his response, I think it is quite an unrealistic response.
Somehow I still don't feel satisfied, but also feel that it doesn't sound bad at all considering how much he adores me and cares for me. It is just that this issue is on the back of my mind and bugs me once in a while. I appreciate your advice and what would you do? Believe him and reconcile or be doubtful that reality might be different than what he proposes? Also please share if you are going through a similar situation.
Run as fast as you can OUT of
Run as fast as you can OUT of that relationship. If I myself had known what it was going to be like marrying a divorced man with chidlren, I would NOT have. The children will cost the man $ and time and it is a fact. Also they are a constant reminder of sex-love-with another woman...the child/children are. There are good men out there who have not been married before. Focus on getting one of those. Love does not rule over the mess of his having a child from before. And even if you have a child of your own then there is still this alive-ghost (ie stepchild) forever in the picture even if you don't see them much.
Run, run. Find a NOT married before man.
I think it is really sad he
I think it is really sad he only sees the child once a year.
If you don't want to deal with a man with kids then don't be with a man with kids. Visitation can change, the future is uncertain. What if the kid wants to live with Dad? What if the Mom dies? What if? What if?
There is always the risk that
There is always the risk that you will have to become more involved with the child no matter his promises. Like the above says, what if mom dies, what if guilty daddy lets kiddo move in, etc?.
Also, what kind of father do you want for your children? Do you want a dad that, in the event you and he divorce, is happy to see the children you produce together once a year, support them only as much as he has to legally, and talk to them in the phine, and let his girlfriend dictate his relationship with your children? I believe the marriage relationship should take priority, but I don't believe that priority should ever include neglecting the parent-child relationship.
Thanks for the responses.
Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify I have nothing to do with the kind of arrangement my BF has in regard to seeing his child. The ex along with the kid has been living in another country way before I came into the picture. They had come to terms on it. The ex had the custody in here and also in the country she lives in now.
ummm, what is your problem
ummm, what is your problem again?I am sorry but what you describe sounds like my ideal life.You will not have to deal with those everyday issues with stepkids at all.I don't understand why this trip once a year is bothering you- he is hardly involved into his kids life- this is a small sacrifice in contrast to the day to day issues many step moms have to deal with.We have SD 50 % off my bloody life , lol.Not saying that you are not entitled to your confusing feelings though, please don't think I am suggesting this!
Btw, from the kids point of view I find it sad that the dad only sees her once a year.