need advice.. fast!!!

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SD (almost 12) finally went to her moms after no contact since the begining of May, when she was told she was going she threw a fit, a few days before she went her mom emailed her and she emailed back a pretty nasty email, she said it was what she was thinking. She cried and cried she didnt want to go, we felt like crap for making her go, told her over and over that all she had to do was call and we would go get her. That was 2 wks ago, she has called once, she called her dads work as he was leaving. (she did the same thing over xmas vaca, only called her dad at work, never once tried to talk to me), I would think it was because of her mother, but she calls when her mother is at work, she is allowed to call the house, she just chooses not to.
DH sent a text to his ex, said tell SD she can come home on Sunday, got a text back that says "she does not know if she wants to"
this pisses me off, she tells me that I am her mom, she refers to me as her mom to her friends she says because she dont want her friends to know her real mom is her mom cuz she is embarassed, when she is here she is literally up my ass 24/7, I can not even go to the store without her being in the car first. We just got back from going to see my family in Daytona Beach, that she was extremely rude to, didnt even thank my dad who paid for everything when he took us to disney.
We have plans for the weekend to take the kids to an amusement park, our town is having a fair and we want to get the password to the email she snuck and got at her moms (we did find out that her mother and grandmother encouraged her to get the email and keep the info from us).. which wouldnt be a big deal but no one over there checks it to see what she is doing online.
So my question is do we just leave her over at her moms since she dont know if she wants to come home, even for just a few days, and let her know what she missed after the fact.. or do we make her come home for those few days and go with us?

Leave her there. If it is her

Leave her there. If it is her visitation time with BM and she is choosing to stay there, then she will only resent you for "making" her come home, and she will ruin the weekend for the rest of you. IMO- if she chooses not to be with your family, then she chooses to miss out on whatever activities your family are doing during that time.

it is not her visitation with

it is not her visitation with her mom.. there is no set visitation with her mom, she only gets the kids at times and places they both agree. but you are right, she chooses to miss out..but when she finds out we did something without her then she will start the guilt trip.. and her dad falls for it every single time. She will ask how come we didnt tell her why we wanted her to come home, why we didnt tell her we were going to where ever we go..we dont love her blah blah blah.. been there done that!
and this entire thing makes me feel so completely used and walked on.. like I said while she is here she is shoved up my butt.. I can not do anything without her there, but yet I am not good enough when she is over at her moms??

Maybe you could let her know

Maybe you could let her know what you are doing, and what standard of behaviour you expect from her, and let her make an educated choice?

the thing that makes me mad

the thing that makes me mad is that I have never heard one positive thing come out of her mouth about her bio mom, Ihave heard it for years. I have told her over and over to love her mom, not to say she hates her, cuz hate is a strong word.. we have told her if she wants to go to her moms or call all she has to do is say something.. she always says the same thing, she does not want to call, she does not want to go over.. if her mom calls here I will tell them its her and her and her brother always choose not to talk to her.. and after a 2 day fit of goin to her moms house she does not want to come back here?
I am feeling right now that if she doesnt want to come home just because, then why tell her what we are doing, cuz then she will come home just to go to the fair.. not because she wants to be here. does that make sense?
I know it is more fun at her moms house because there are not rules, there are no expections and there are no bounderies.. its a free for all there, BM has said before that she does not give them rules or punishments.. they do what they want when they want..
but honestly at this point, I am leaning towards let her stay and she can find out later we went to the fair..I dont want her to come home because of an event.. I want her to come home because she has not seen her dad, or even me, or her brother and sister in 2 wks.

he does try to call, they

he does try to call, they dont answer or call back, he trys to email BM, she told the kids she dont even read his emails she just throws them away.. the only thing he can really do is text and hope to get a reply.
I dont care if she sways, I do however care that when she is here she makes damn sure I dont have time for my bio kids, she has to have all of the attention, she spends hour and hours trashing her mom, even when I/we tell her we dont want to hear it and honestly nothing ever has come out of her mouth that resembled something positive about her mother.. but yet she dont want to come home? I, however, am a person and do not and will not be used anymore, not even by a kid, I wouldnt put up with it with my bio kids so why should I with her? If I am good enough when she is here then I should be good enough when she is there!
Yes it does take her a few days to even talk to anyone in the house, the longer she stays the worse it is.. usually its about 3 days. And seriously there are no rules.. they will tell you and BM will tell you.. they swear, they are wild and out of control there..

DH has legal custody, she

DH has legal custody, she gets visitation at times and places they agree.
She will call if she got that text she will say her track phone didnt have minutes on it, and we are just lucky right now she has a house phone.
after reading the replies I am thinking that the tail is wagging the dog.. DH said she is to come home, it was not a question, it is what it is.. what he said is how it goes.. thats how I grew up anyways.. I would have had my ass handed to me if my mom said to be home at 11 and I came back with I dont know if I want to, if he continues to let her tell him what she is doing and when she is doing it he will be out at 4 am looking for her in a few yrs.. she needs to know who is boss and respect that, and respect what he says!! period, end of story, dont like it talk about it when she gets here, and btw, no fair for her.. I never got rewarded for being a disrepectful brat.. did you?

and not to mention I think

and not to mention I think her dad said she can come home, and that means that she should come home..she wants to talk about it when she gets here thats fine.. I am a big believer in the person who pays your bills, buys your clothes, feeds you and puts a roof over your head deserves alot of respect, and not to be questioned. He didnt ASK if she wanted to come home, he said she was coming home.. she is the one who is trying to make it debatable.
I have a 19 yr old son who lives here, he learned very quickly that he is to respect and listen to my husband, his step father because that is the man who is paying for him to have what he does, a house, heat, food, etc..

thank you! and I agree!! I

thank you! and I agree!! I have been after DH to do something, but realized I have to do it myself, if he isnt gonna stand beside me then he better be prepared to stand behind me... cuz I WILL be respected, when you can support yourself then you can treat me any way you want..
it is pathetic and unattractive to watch him bow down to his kids every whim.. he does not do that with the kids we have together, but the outcome of that is our kids are polite, say please and thank you, appriciate when someone has done something for them, and are very well behaved. His kids, however, have learned from him that they can treat people any way they want.. they both lie, to the point where literally nothing they say can be trusted, they are wild, have had several complaints from the bus driver, and parents, they are not even close to being polite, they walk all over everyone in their paths.. and the sad thing is is that DH taught them its all ok because he allows it to happen to him and to me..
I had kids with my 1st husband, divorce or not they were not going to be disresptful, they can be sad (they were 10 and 11 at the time of divorce), his kids were 1 and 2 when he got divorced.. but yet everyone, including him blames their behavior on it.. when the fact is is that they have no memory of it at all.

yep thats SS 13 and SD's

yep thats SS 13 and SD's point of view, "Her world revolves around herself. The world is her oyster and everybody else is just there to watch."
and if everyone does not fall inline and bow down to their every whim then all hell breaks loose.
And you are right, its hard to have respect or even want to be around someone who basically pussys down to children..

The no rules thing at mom's

The no rules thing at mom's may be a bigger issue than the other minor issues now. We had the same issue with SD14. She loved mom's house because she could do whatever she wants. Mom wanted to be her friend. So now we gave up custody (almost final) since she didn't want to live here and have rules and no boyfriends. We thought it was no big deal, but they were plotting for months for her to live with her and not us. Just keep your guard up around the mom.

BM is your classic anti

BM is your classic anti social, narsassitic personality.. she does not care to fight for her kids, she had custody, with DH getting them at times and places they agree, every single time we had had new custody papers she has signed them with no problems no fights, last time we did get to the court house but she signed without seeing a judge. The only way she is going to get them is to take it to court, and there she does not have a leg to stand on.. not to mention she does not have the money or ambition to do it.
In the past 5 yrs she has been homeless, literally, she has not had a job, not paid support, lied to the judge about having a job, been in jail for not paying support 2 or 3 times, been in jail for stealing checks from some old lady she was suppose to be taking care of, she has had supervised visitation because she was not willing to break up with her mentally unstable boyfriend (that did go in front of a judge) she didnt make it more then 1/2 of the visitation, and didnt stay the entire time and brought no less than 3 kids with her each time, she has no concern with SS13 mental health, never once tried to help us get him help for the problems he is having, told him flat out there is nothing wrong with him, even though 5 different professionals told us he needs help, and we need to get an alarm for his door and/or locks for the inside of the other kids doors so that everyone is safe at night, and to get rid of any weapons in the house.. she sees nothing wrong and wants to fight us and the professionals.
The ONLY reason they are not going to live with her is because it will be a cold day in hell before my husband pays her 300 a wk in support to support her out of work craigslist boyfriend and his 3 kids, and the kid she had with her husband..who was deported after serving 4 yrs for dealing drugs..
we would welcome her taking us to court, just another chance to make a fool out of her.

oh I almost forgot, this

oh I almost forgot, this "being a mom" thing.. its a passing phase, although I do have to give her credit, she has never had them longer than 3 weeks... no wait, she gets no credit, SS13 has to come home every other week cuz he has "school" which is day therapy classes..
This wont last on her part, it never does... then SD will be crying the blues on my shoulder expecting me to smile and take over and be a mom to her..

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