My wound ripped wide open
Yesterday I called exbf because I had left something at the house we shared for 5 yrs. I was told it was over a month ago and I've been crying about it ever since here on ST and thank you to everyone for your thoughtful comments. Honestly, I feel as though I could lose my mind right now. I talked to him on the phone and I mentioned that I missed him. He said he misses me at times too. I told him he misunderstood my actions when I was disengaging from the k's as I only respected their quality time with dad out of love. Someone he dated before me told him that she didn't like his kids so it ended. Maybe this made him more sensitive and guarded. Anyway, he said he found a few items that I left behind (I left in such a hurry as I was in incredible pain). I told him just to put them by the door and I pick them up in an hour. He said no that it's OK and he would be home. So I got there and knocked on the door. He invited me in, asked me if I wanted coffee and to sit and talk. So, we went into our usual room where we had always had conversations with each other and plan our day. I am really having trouble moving on now!! Anyway, I just thought I would lay it out there and said to him if there was aony hope for us that we should put God in our lives and the k's because that had always been missing, we get counseling, and we get married and move slowly toward these goals. He said he'd have to think about it. He then told me about a woman he just dated for three weeks (I've been gone a month - but I now know why he said there was no longer a spark with me - he was getting ready for someone else!) Just that should get me disgusted. He told me she turned out to be a raging alcoholic and now he is gunshy about dating again. He told me some friends also want to set him up with someone and guess what? I know her and she is a really nice person and now in my head - all night since I work 3rd shift, I have already imagined them married and living a wonderful beautiful life together. I am coming across jealous and crazy but I am just in so much pain right now. Anyway, he did mention that maybe we could get coffee sometime and maybe move slowly in the future, but , part of me is thinking he is just saying this to keep me in good spirits and not sad. I hope he wasn't dangling a carrot in front of me. That would just be so unfair. I want to believe that God will/can make miracles and if this is part of His perfect plan then it will be. I have a year lease now and I know, we both know, that things couldn't have continued the way they were going. I have to find the strength to move forward. Does anyone have any recommendations for other websites for me because I am no longer living with him and his k's. I can still hope, though that maybe we could come full circle with this and work it out. Am I being unrealistically hopeful!!?
Thanks for that as much as
Thanks for that as much as it hurts. It is what I need to see and hear. I can't believe how friendly he was toward me yesterday, even making me an english muffin as we sat and talked just like old times. He said he isn't interested in the dating game right now because it takes at least 3-4 months to get to know or get some clues of how a person is and then you have to start all over again if they turn out horrible. We've been together almost six years and this just happened. Maybe, he is having a midlife crisis as he just retired and is 48 yrs. old. I know if that is the case there is nothing I can do about it. Just like I have no control over the breakup. Here I was startiing to feel better about things and then I get my hopes up. Am I ever dumb!! I know I need to take care of myself first and who knows what is in store for me. I'm almost too tired to even think about my future.
It was just so weird. He
It was just so weird. He acted like it was really good to spend time with me and said it was great to see my face again. Very strange, as I was the one to see him in his depressed slump every three months. I could always count on his behaviour changed to the worst every three months. Then he snaps out of it and life goes on. I wonder if he is bi-polar or soomething. He take amytrypoline for a sleep aid because he is an insomniac and I've wondered if this is affecting his moods. I'm not sure how to think. I know I have to move forward in my life with or without him and it doesn't do me any good just stuck in the doldrums. I was starting to get better and now I wish I didn't step foot there and had someone pick the stuff up. The house looks really nice, he is doing a great job keeping it nice organized and beautiful. Even though, I painted every single room while I was there, decorated and help choose furnishings. It was hard to be in my/not mine anymore house. So hard that I am now a common stranger there.
Sorry for all of the typos -
Sorry for all of the typos - upset, yet tired and drained. Thanks for saying that any woman is going to have her work cut out for her. It was hard! That is why I also had comfort in disengaging at times. I went my way they went theirs. He resented it though. Said we weren't acting as a family.
She would have to have a lot
She would have to have a lot of energy as they can get (at least two of them ) quite rambunctious(sp)? She would have to go to all of there events and there are many since they are involved in various sports, and, they always have friends over. Most weekends when we had the k's they had a friend or two sleep over and I was usually the last to know. She would have to be extremely flexible, as I was, and show the bf that she was full of joy that the kids were over. Honestly, I didn't always "feel the joy" but felt hurt and annoyed that I was never informed of all of the extra kids spending the weekend. I think I put up with alot and never really complained but maybe my mannerisms showed that I was less than overjoyed.
Actually, when I think about it, he could act like a snob. He said I could have the downstairs sofas since they were really "curbside" until I recovered them. He encouraged me to sell my home, very dumb move, told me at the time I really wasn't moving forward in the relationship unless I sold it. Now I am renting a small house and it is very expensive. My house payment was 1/3 of what places are going for now. A lot of junk to figure out. When I think of some of the crappy things he said or did, it puts things in perspective. He just has such a nice side to his personality and people adore him as he can be a very generous and helpful person.
I know this must be so hard
I know this must be so hard for you. I think many if not all of us have been through something similar. I have been trying to follow your blogs and get a better understanding of what is happening.
The thing is...I think he has already checked out. I think that when he told you there was no spark it was because, as you said, he had his sights on someone else. Many people start dating quickly to avoid the sting of an ended relationship. A lot of men don't grieve for the end of a relationship until they can't run from it any further. They don't grieve right away like we do. That's why they always seem to come crawling back when we are already starting to move on.
Don't you want someone to have that passion for you? That fiery, loving, passion? The person that after all those years you can still look at them and be so attracted and turned on? It looks to me like your ex doesn't have that for you anymore. And you deserve someone that does have it.
It was kind of insensitive of him to talk to you about people he is dating. Sometimes we would rather not know. I think that if you meet with him again it would be the same thing. Do you really want to hear about his prospects that he has lined up?
You already gave him an option of working things out and seeking counseling. And as of right now he is "thinking about it". If I were you I would take the time to distance yourself from him. Heal your wounds on your own. Perhaps individual counseling to let everything out?
I'll have to agree with the
I'll have to agree with the ones who say be realistic.
Otherwise you are going to drive yourself to the looney bin stretching out the mourning of this dead relationship.
If he decides you were the best he's had and likely to get he'll come back of his own accord. Its no secret that by not chasing him you become more attractive.
Meanwhile you throw yourself full time into work and play and if someone interesting comes along you take a shot at that also. Obviously be careful of getting over-involved with anyone for perhaps a year.
Great comments all of you.
Great comments all of you. Thank you so much. So much wisdom here and I am very appreciative. I can put a lot into perspective right at this moment, it's possible I might have another weak moment but I am going to try really hard not to. In one way, I am actually sickened by the behaviour of this man. He recently told my old neighbor that "It's hard to find a good woman" this is after his recent fling turned out to be a drunk. What in the world? He was living with a good woman - Me - my turn to gloat - but yeah, I am honest and true and not high maintenance by any standard. I am an artist and love the simple things all around me that can inspire me. Katrinkie, funny how you told me to paint certain pictures. I know that wasn't literally speaking but a friend recently told me to take all of this emotion and start painting again.
Orange Cty. You are right to advise me not to get involved too quickly, if I even ever want to again. I am going to try to become as productive as I can and come to the realization that my exbf is really a very troubled soul. It's like what has been said before, "you think you really know someone" This man is acting strange and I am not sure if he is just going through a mid-life or just going looney himself. I should thank my lucky stars to be out of that mess.
StepAside you are right on telling me he was calling all of the shots. He was the Prez. of his own Co. so he's used to making everyone an employee - including me.
Thanks again all. Time will heal!
Monklas
So sorry dear. If you
So sorry dear. If you possibly can avoid it, do not contact him again. I have been dragged back in and out so many times at the 'end' of relationships, it is up to you to decide it is over and what you want in a man.
It sounds like he is missing that 'sensitivity chip' that would make him think it is ok to toy with you like this. Stay away and you will begin to heal honey!!
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)Thanks. I actually feel like
Thanks. I actually feel like Scrooge on Christmas Day today. I can now see how pathetic this whole situation has become. I can see how pathetic a man he is. My weak moment came a little while ago when I was thinking about the k's, when they were much younger and the good times we had, the care and love that I gave them, and the fun we had. That has passed however, and I'm doing OK. Still, I find it amazing that his behavior has become so strange. Still thinking it's mid-life, or he just has a mental illness, or he's just a freaking dog, or all of the above.
I can feel myself getting stronger. Thank you ST!! Hope I can help others someday!!