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My SS broke my heart.....

harrho's picture

Submitted by harrho on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:08am

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I am having a hard time letting this go. I moved out of state to be with my soon to be husband ("SO") and his son. My SO won full custoday last October because the mother was really bad on drugs. She has seen her son twice since then because she refuses to do supervised visitations. I have been doing everything I can to try and support and be there for my SS. I am not trying to replace his mother but I am simply just trying to be there for him. My SS and I have an amazing relationship, but little did I know that he didnt look at me as a stepmother or any kind of parent for that matter. I feel this is partly our fault because we didnt actually sit down with him and explain to him that I will be his stepmother.

I took him to the pumpkin patch with some friends, who he previously went camping with 2 months ago and during the camping trip he met my friends Aunt who is a good 15 years older than me and the pumpkin patch was only the second time he has met this woman. He completely and totally ditched me for her. He walked around holding her hand and picking out pumpkins and following her all over the patch. I though it was a crush. Well later that night, I asked him what it was he liked about her and why he was and before I could finish the rest of my sentence he blurted out, "what like she was my mom?" My heart sank and I was crushed into a thousand pieces. I have been a part of this childs life for 3 years and he has met this woman twice and he looked at her like she was his mother. So I simply asked him what he thought I was to him and he just shrugged his shoulders and said "I like you". I am at a loss for words and have a broken feeling in my heart. I know he is only a kid but I think at 7 years old he can understand my roll. He tells me he loves me and kiss me and hugs me all the time. I feed him, bathe him, dress him, talk to him, read him books, taught him how to ride a bike, take him to school, do his homework with him, patch up and kiss his pumps and bruises, a lot of people tell me I have been more of a mother to him than his own. I am just completely hurt by the whole situtation. What am I doing wrong or what do I need to do for him to understand a little better? We sat and explained it to him but I think it was more "ok" in his mind and its going to continue on as I'm just his dads "girlfriend".

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 11:37am

Sometimes kids don't know. We have probably hurt our own parents and broke their hearts many times before too. As a parent, since you have identified yourself as such, we can only let go and forgive and try to be understanding in cases like this.

I think you are hurt because it scares you that you know you aren't his mother, and all your effort will go to waste. Unfortunately none of us can predict the future, so we don't know, but take comfort in the fact that if nothing else, you are a good person, so whatever comes will come. I'm sure he loves you but probably can't process and verbalize it.

Hugs.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 3:33pm

I agree with MarieJeanne he is at a stage where anyone can be the 'cool' one at anytime. As long as y'all have a good relationship and he shows you he likes you. My SS is 5 and I've had this feeling before but the thing is at the end of the day he tries to tell me good night if he is at our house which shows he cares.

harrho's picture

Submitted by harrho on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 3:47pm

Thanks everyone. I just want him to know that I am not going to be someone in his life temporarly, I am here permenantly and for him to understand that I am a bonus mom who loves him just as much as his mom and dad.

I guess I just have sensitive heart when it comes to the little guy.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 3:53pm

There is nothing wrong with being sensitve. We are in the most confusing, sensitive, tough spot there is to be. I am now a SM to a SS5, before I was a SM to SD4-7 both had moments like this - it hurts when they happen...however the thing is to know that when he hugs you or he tells you goodnight and has those affectionate moments eat them up! He knows you care, he he knows your love he just probably doesn't know how to process that he is hurting you.

derb84123's picture

Submitted by derb84123 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 3:53pm

I understand your feeling all too well. I've been raising my DHs kids for 6 years. They currently see BM 4 days a month. She was on supervised visits for a long time. I do all the "mom" things, with zero help from BM (doesn't even pay child support). It does break my heart when they say things about me not being their parent/mom... I potty trianed SD for pete's sake when DH got custody of them (she was 3 and BM had NEVER tried with her). It is ridiculous and it hurts and awful lot.

My advice is to try to think like the others posted. Kids say things that they don't realize can be hurtful. Have DH talk to him.. let him know how words can hurt. But what gets me through is I am a child of divorce. When my biodad stopped being in my life, I would cry and sulk and all those things around my Stepdad... I'm sure it killed him bc he was the one there for us- every step of the way. But now as an adult, he is my Dad. He walked me down the aisle. It just took me a while to get it. I think for a bit I felt like showing him I loved him was accepting that my biodad sucked horribly, and that is so hard for a kid to realize. In the end SS will know who was there.