Moving in
Firstly what a fantastic website I already feel better about becoming a step parent.
I am going to become a step parent I have no children of my own and not alot of experience with them. This is a whole new world for me but I am very happy with my partner and his 8 year old daughter.
My question is about the ex factor. The ex and my partner get along fairly well most of the time. I have met her on a few occasions now and it has been all pleasent. She has recently moved quite close to my b/f and has said to my partner that she would like to organise a date for me and him. My b/f thinks that it is her way of saying everything is ok with her but i feel like she is steping over the boundary and we can organise our own dates. Do i swallow my pride and go or do i say no?
My other scenario is the other day she came over and was complaining she hadn't had any meat to eat for 4 days when my b/f asked y she said it was because she couldn't afford any so being the kind hearted guy that he is he went to the fridge and got her some meat to take home. My boyfriend thinks I am being silly. am I? Do we have to feed her as well?
Yikes
I think you need to nip this sort of thing in the bud or you're goinig to find yourself in a relationship with an unwanted guest. No you shouldn't have to feed her and no she shouldn't be organizing your dates. To me she's trying to insert/assert her role in your relationship and I don't see this going in a good direction. Your and your bf's relationship with her should be about the child and the child only.
and
if she's having problems obtaining food there are social services for that. If she's low income she should be eligible.
OK I can agree with
OK I can agree with trepidation that she seems to be overstepping her boundaries and that there are agencies that can help....BBBUUUUTTTT..... I have another side of it here.
I am a bio and SM. I get along so good with my exes current that we have gone on "dates" together without the men...left them home with all of "our" kids and had fun. She/they will routinely call me and ask for things and ask do I need anything for my family and I will do the same for them. Ideally we would all live in one big house together in the country giving all of our kids two complete sets of parents.
We don't see boundaries being overstepped and if any of us feels put out we work it out. We are like family and consider it not only a good friendship but co-operative parenting.
Now on the other hand I have my B/Fs ex. I tried to get close to her and tried to have the same kind of relationship more than one time. There was a lot of trust broken, a lot of backstabbing, lies and badmouthing going on. It was done with excuses made for her and him backing her up and forgetting that he chose to be with me.
There is so much bitterness there that we haven't even talked for almost two years. Just recently out of necessity I once again opened myself to being nice and cordial to her. Now I'm hurting again.
So, what I have here goes from one extreme to the other.
Now to get finally to the point of the story(sorry I am so long winded)
Each person and situation has to be looked at individually.
The comfort of your relationship has to be top priority. If you feel she is a threat, then nicely tell her thanx for the thought but we have made other plans. Next time if you want to do this please consult us first.
Or on the other hand if you don't have any bad feelings between you. Accept it and maybe a wonderful friendship will ensue that you will be forever grateful for.
You have to know what you and your man wnat and are comfortable with and you have to know who and what you are dealing with.
SET BOUNDARIES UP FRONT...I can't emphasize that part enough.
If you can, sit back, relax, and see where things are going,
you might be pleasantly surprised.
Good luck
Lisa Dawn
Boundaries
I agree completely with Lisa in setting the boundaries up front. You need to keep in mind that relationships can change for the good...or for the bad. And those boundaries that you now set will help maintain that relationship. Be completely honest with your BF - it's okay for you to have doubts about his ex and her motives. You two need to discuss what's comfortable for the 2 of you. You need to take care of yourself, your relationship with your BF and provide a stable home and family environment for the SD - that's it. You do not need to feed and clothe the BM or in my case it was taking care of the car, honey do lists around BM's house. I wasn't okay with it and I let my husband know and it stopped. Glynne