Mental health of skids
How do you fix this ???
SD 11 is really really damaged, she was 4 when parents split, the youngest of 5 kids. BM felt "loved and special" when she was pregnant and as soon as baby starts to become a little independant then they are shelved and you have the next baby...... DH got the snip and BM got a fertile boyfdriend......Long story short ( yes she is still breeding/trying to .....going for number 7)
SD has NO relationships with anyone.......not me her father, her siblings her BM and the last of her school friends has just walked as well.
The issue with her school friends is she gives nothing of her self and will not have play dates - for the simple reason that people will find out the truth about her mother. That she does not have a normal loving mummy...bottom line is if people find out her own mother does not love her.....who will.(my words not hers)
she is calculating ... she just does not give a flying fig about anyone-unless they are doing for her- she does not display any affection (not even our pets get a smooch) when she does apply affection it is really un-natural....its like oh i should hug Dad now (insert hug here)
she refuses to part of the family and is like this little ghost that wonders around our house.
At the age of 9 she went for nearly 10 months with No contact with her BM when she came to live with us fulltime "quote...because I dont feel safe living with mum "
In those 10mths she had I think 3 or 4 phone calls to her mum asking if she could see her for the weekend and she was refused.(punishment for choosing to live with dad)
In this no contact time, it was like she never had a mother !!! she didnt miss her didnt get sooky, she was just a little zombie.
So yes she has some classic Aspergers but I am really really starting to worry that she is displaying some really bad sociapathic behaviours. she is divorced of all emotions and just has NO concept of them.
She is getting counselling of a DOCS ref. DOCS have been involved, not that it really helped.
But she is not open with her couns. well she is not open with anyone.
Friend of mine is a GP and suggested fish oil and no bananna's (no change) and we have nil chance of psychiatic help until she physically hurts her self.
We have pushed for her to be big in her own skin, we have her in the best private school got her into sports and after school activities tried to give her a sense of pride and self esteem.
clothes, toys, decorated room because your worth it your somebody. I know what your thinking that you can not buy kids, trust me Im not its just another desp. attempt at trying to make a sense of special, that she is worthy .........
so this poor little moppit has these people telling her we love you, your sombody, you count, your our girl, be proud of yourself.... then she has the other person with an equally loud voice saying your worthless, i dont love you, your not worth my time, you cost me money, your a worthless piece of garbage and you make my life crap and when I kill myself is will be because of you .....
How on earth do we help this girl ? seriously it is like watching her die slowly, with your hands tied behind your back.
I cant remeber the last time she was free and happy and a normal little girl.......
this is killing us and we are miserable and Im sure she is to......
Why is there no chance of
Why is there no chance of psychiatric help until she physically hurts herself?
It sounds like you have the money for it. She needs help. Why not take her to a psychiatrist, like pronto!
all the skids were assesed
all the skids were assesed by the psych at westmead hospital, when removed by DOCS from BM's care.
when kids are under 14-15 they dont like to "make a diagnosis"
answer; BM to follow guidance from DOCS
she is being seen by child protection therapy team for Physical Abuse and Neglect of Children (PANOC). It's not working thats the problem, we have asked for further intevention and they state while BM is continue to behaive the way she does, there is not much they can do.......basically psychological abuse does not count-if there was physical abuse it would have been stamped out a long time ago. So all we are left with is trying to damage control, no prevention, so it is the same old mouse wheel.
Can you not take her to a
Can you not take her to a private doctor? Get a second opinion?
I understand the state was involved, but they only do the minimum. Can't you go outside of that care and find your own doctor?
Go to wrongplanet.net and
Go to wrongplanet.net and ask around for advice from other teens/kids/adults w/asperger's...although hard to believe some people w/asperger's are perfectly ok w/that life...others are not...many need social stories (there are great books on amazon for this-pm me if you nn reccomendations) to understand the dynamics of being social, friendships, etc...
My kiddo is either an aspie or high functioning autistic (have both diags), but he is very social as we have focused on that more than anything else..,he does not have a psych and yet is more than normal in social situations...
I feel so very sorry for
I feel so very sorry for her.
She has probably been through a lot while she was living with her dysfunctional mother,more than she is even willing to share. The statement "quote...because I don't feel safe living with mum" is very profound. She may have been sexually abused,on top of the obvious emotional and physical(?) abuse.
When I was 8 yo my mothers' boyfriend molested me,and I started sleeping with a knife under my pillow,to protect myself.At 8 I recall thinking that if I told my mother,she may have killed the BF,and she would go to jail. So,I kept it to myself until I was in my 20's.My mother abandoned me for over 2 years when I was 11-13,and I was angry,distant,secretive,and refused to talk to the counselor my grandmother got for me.I was worried about whether she was still alive,where she was,etc. TMI, I know,but I just wanted to tell you that little background to say that I know you are doing everything you can for her,but this is not about good schools,clothes,etc.,she is hurting,and that anti-social zombie thing is a defense mechanism. Know that you may never know the depth and breadth of her pain. She has long lost her childhood,and she already has obviously thought her situation with her mom through enough to think that nobody will love her if her mother doesn't.So she can't be who she 'was' because even her mother couldn't love that,and she doesn't want to make you and DH not love her,so maybe she is overcompensating by being almost invisible,so you can't not like her. She probably doesn't trust ANYONE including her loved ones. Even though she is in a much better situation,she is irrevocably changed because of what has happened to her.She is probably in survival mode,and because she had to 'survive' and suffer abuse,she in not your typical 11 year old. Of course,I thought I was the only one,I didn't know dysfunction is the rule,not the exception in most families. I became an expert at keeping people at a distance too and expecting perfection in how people related to me. I could easily dismiss anyone who was even remotely close to hurting my feelings,and I didn't really care what anyone thought.
I too was indulged with material items,love,affection and reminded how smart,pretty,etc.,and none of it made any difference.She probably doesn't have Asperger's she probably has FIA syndrome. F*ck It All syndrome,she cares but can't connect because she is emotionally damaged,and may need a different kind of probing into her thoughts.
Getting into a volunteer program when I was 13 helped me get more in touch with my own feelings.Maybe it would help her out to help others,especially other children/animals,maybe even seniors.
I don't have any miracle answers,but my prayers and heart go out to her and to you so that you will be blessed with enough patience,compassion and time to help her through this stage of her life. No matter how 'good' she has it,her emotional state will not allow her to move forward without setting her feelings free.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/Abandonment-issues/show/306161
http://www.focusas.com/Attachment.html
http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.html
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
SS9 has Aspergers but also
SS9 has Aspergers but also Reactive Attachment Disorder.
We have to force him to empathize sometimes - like when he poked a kid with a pencil at school to "see if it would hurt" ... DH poked him with a pencil for the same reason. Then SS9 did the "Oh wow it hurts" thing and the big breakthrough was how he now says "well you wouldn't like it if it was done to you."
Play therapy and expression are good for these kids. They don't have the brain connections to say what they are feeling or thinking. These therapies teach them that.
The down side is one day they will have a MASSIVE emotional breakdown as they finally identify what they feel.